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I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
Being stuck at the BSAA for 24 hours wasn’t Leon’s idea of fun. Sure, the company could be worse; Chris even brought beers, trying to act like quarantine was a party, but it didn’t change the fact that they were quarantined.
Or that the love of his life stood across the room, the thin gold band on her finger warding him away. She wasn’t his ; he reminded himself.
“How’ve you been, Leon?” Rebecca asked him, her overly sincere cheerfulness making him feel guilty for his attitude.
“Peachy,” he winked, incapable of fully dropping the act, but not wanting to be too shitty. She and Jill didn’t even technically need to be there, but he was grateful they hadn’t left him alone with the Redfield siblings.
“Well, you seem better,” she said, patting his arm.
He pulled the beer bottle to his lips in protest, taking a large swig of Chris’s shitty beer. Getting better was a curse. It was too late.
The ghost of a life he could have lived haunted him. Trying to pull the seams together felt useless when the finished product wouldn’t look like he wanted. It didn’t help that what he wanted was across the room laughing with Chris and Jill, her laughter filling him up even as it pushed him down.
X
Some
“Getting some air?”
Claire looked up from her spot against the wall. It wasn’t fair how effortlessly handsome he always looked, his tie slightly askew, his hair tousled in the way she knew took more time than he let on. “Yeah, I don’t understand how you deal with all these stuffy parties.”
“I’m typically good at getting out of them,” Leon said, leaning against the wall beside her. “Just my luck the one I couldn’t get out of was the one you were at.”
“Your name wasn’t on the guest list,” Claire said, looking up at him. She always checked. Even brought her boyfriend to this one since she assumed there wouldn’t be any run-ins with Leon. Not that she was hiding him, more sheltering Leon from her reality.
“May have begged Ashley to be her plus one.” His voice remained neutral, but she knew it must’ve been hard to admit. “Whose the guy?”
“You don’t know him,” Claire said, not really wanting to give him more information. If he wanted their lives to be separate, then their lives would be separate.
Leon huffed but didn’t push. After a few minutes of silence passed, Claire pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her jacket pocket, finding comfort in the ritual of tapping it, lighting it, and taking the first hit. The motions were practiced even if it had been a bit.
“Didn’t realize you were smoking again.”
Claire exhaled smoke, feeling more at ease already. She handed the cigarette to him. “I don’t often, but it helps get through these kinds of things.”
“Fair enough.”
They passed the cigarette back and forth in silence. Claire almost called it when they finished it, but Leon looked like he was working up to saying something, so she lit a second.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” She finally asked, starting to worry her absence would be missed.
“I love you.”
Claire scoffed, anger erupting inside of her. How dare he? After all this fucking time, how dare he do it now? “How much have you had to drink?”
“That doesn’t matter. I’m being serious,” Leon pleaded. In her peripheral she could see him turned towards her, trying to get her attention, but she stared straight ahead. “I’ve thought about it a lot.”
“Why now?” Claire asked. Why now that she was stable, happy even?
He said nothing at first, and when she finally turned to meet his gaze, the answer was clear. She knew it. He knew it. He just didn’t have the balls to say it. She was slipping through his fingers, had been for years, and now that she was nearly gone, he was grasping at what was left. Trying to pull her back down. “You can’t honestly tell me you’re happy with him.”
“You don’t get to say what makes me happy.”
“Then why are you out here with me, instead of in there with him?”
“I’m not out here with you,” Claire reminded him. “I came out here to get away from everybody.”
“Then why didn’t you turn me away?” He was scrambling for anything, any sign of proof.
What was she supposed to say? That being out there with him didn’t feel like being out there with somebody? That he was such an extension of herself that it was as filling as being alone? That she loved him too? That if he’d made better choices it would be him, it would always have been him?
“Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll leave it be.”
Claire met his gaze, his typically guarded eyes open, full of longing and desperation. Her anger dissipated, leaving only a hollow feeling. “Does me saying it change anything?”
“What?”
“Let’s say I say it. Do you sober up? Do you get your shit together? Or do I say it, ruin a perfectly good relationship, and end up alone anyway?”
“I-” He paused, his eyebrows knitting together. At least he was thinking about it instead of lying to her. It wasn’t like he just now figured out he loved her. He must have known for years. Why he thought it would change things now, she didn’t know.
She turned towards him, putting a hand on his chest. “It’s okay. I already knew the answer.”
“I really want it to,” Leon pleaded, covering her hand with his.
“I know you do.” Claire wrapped her fingers around his tie and pulled his face down to hers, placing a gentle kiss on his lips, hoping it conveyed everything she wouldn’t say. “But it’s not enough.”
X
I am not the only traveler
Who has not repaid his debt
I’ve been searching for a trail to follow again
“Why didn’t you come?” The question nearly spilled out of her. She’d been talking to him less than ten minutes before it came spewing out.
“Claire....”
“I wanted you there.”
He looked away, towards where Chris and Jill had fallen asleep. Chris sitting up on the uncomfortable old couch, with Jill using his thigh as a pillow. Rebecca fell asleep first, curling up on the small bunk, while Chris and Jill followed shortly after. 24-hour quarantines sucked.
“Was busy.”
“That the story you’re sticking with?”
Leon looked back at her, matching his glare with hers. “I told you I loved you and you were married a year later. Sorry , I didn’t make the wedding.”
“You said you would be there.” She’d understood how big of an ask it was, but he didn’t have to say yes. It’d been a long shot when she’d called him, not wanting to just send an invitation in the mail. He deserved to hear it from her, and when she asked if he’d come, he told her wouldn’t miss it. But he had.
Leon softened. “Look, I am sorry, okay? I thought I could handle it, but I couldn’t.”
Claire spent her wedding day waiting for him to show up. Her thoughts were consumed by whether or not he would show as she got ready, and while she hadn’t seen him in the crowd, she’d still waited with bated breath when they asked if anybody objected. She’d been relieved at the silence, worried he might pull some stupid stunt, but also devastated; her heart breaking against her will.
“I wanted you there.”
X
Most
“I don’t know how you pulled this off,” Claire grinned up at him.
“I got my ways,” Leon winked. They didn’t need to know that Leon’s ‘ways’ were built on blood, that he’d been such an effective killing machine for the US Government that they allowed him to take Sherry for her birthday. A whole 36 hours just for the three of them.
They’d already spent 12, and he hated that sleep would take another portion, but it had been a great day. Claire and Sherry made cupcakes, trying some fancy tie-dye technique that quickly turned into what Sherry lovingly called colorful blobs. Then they’d gone to an arcade and ended the night with a movie at Leon’s apartment.
After, he stood in his bedroom with Claire in an old t-shirt and shorts, her hair carefully braided over her shoulder. He didn’t have a spare bedroom, but they’d shared a bed enough times after Racoon City that he’d not thought much of it until she was there in front of him.
“So, what side of the bed do you normally sleep on?” Claire asked, shifting on her bare feet.
“Left, but it doesn’t matter,” Leon said. “Take whatever side you want.”
Her eyes darted to the left side, and for a moment, he thought she would take it just to be a little shit, but she didn’t. Instead, she crossed the room to crawl onto the right side. Looking at him expectantly when he didn’t join her immediately.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, joining her on the bed.
“What are you sorry for?”
“For being awkward,” Leon said, scrambling to regain some sort of upper hand. “Not used to having beautiful women in my bed.”
“I can’t believe people actually say shit like that,” Claire laughed, shoving his shoulder.
“Hey, it works sometimes.”
Her laughter stopped, a mischievous grin taking over her face. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Leon breathed, suddenly unsure by the shift.
“I guess we’ll have to test that.”
Before he could think of anything coherent to say, Claire kissed him. They moved quickly, Claire straddling him once he kissed her back, her old t-shirt gone before he needed to come up for air. Matching her intensity, Leon rolled her over, losing his shirt in the process as well.
“What’s the verdict?” he asked, peppering kisses down her neck.
“It works,” she breathed.
-
“Did you have a good birthday?” Claire asked the three of them on Simmon’s doorstep.
“The best,” Sherry said, hugging Claire. “Thank you so much.”
“Of course,” Claire said, letting her go. “Though Leon's the one that deserves the most of it.”
“Thanks to you too,” the teenager amended, hugging Leon next.
“No need for thanks. I’m just happy you got a good birthday,” Leon said, the ‘for once’ left unsaid. He hated they couldn’t make every year a good birthday, every day a good day. This was the first birthday they’d even gotten to spend with her.
The door opened, and a large security officer stepped out. “Miss Birkin, it’s time.”
Sherry deflated, their happy little girl disappearing, offering them a glimpse of the depressed teenager she truly was. Claire took her hand, squeezing it tight. “Love you, Sher.”
“Love you,” Sherry said, eye-watering, her voice cracking towards the end. “Both of you.”
“Love you, kid.”
“I said it’s time, Miss Birkin.”
“I know,” Sherry said, and with a wave, she was gone.
Claire shrank beside him, not dissimilar from Sherry a moment ago, a chunk of her light fading with the closed door. When she glanced up at him, her eyes were watery. “Guess we should get going.”
She was silent during the ride back to his apartment and made quick work of collecting her stuff when they got back. “I should get going.”
“Yeah, of course,” Leon said, wanting to protest, wanting her to stay there so they could work through these feelings together, but she was already slipping away.
She kissed him before she left, but even that was a shadow of the night before.
X
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Take me back to the night we met
Leon’s stomach dropped as they all stepped out into the sun, released from captivity. He was standing outside, waiting for her. Claire jogged past Leon, a smile lighting up her face as she kissed him, asking him what he was doing there.
Leon wasn’t sure what anybody said after that, Jill and Chris joining the couple, the four of them chatting like it was a normal occasion. It probably was. “You good?”
“Not now, Rebecca.” He didn’t look at her, couldn’t tear his eyes from the wreck in front of him, the destruction of his heart.
“We’re getting breakfast, you coming, Kennedy?” Chris called the group now staring directly at him, Rebecca at some point having joined them, deservedly giving up on him.
“Sorry, got a helicopter to catch,” Leon said, pointing towards the impeccably timed helicopter landing in front of them. “Maybe next time.”
Claire caught his eye as the rest of the group bid him goodbye, a sad smile tugging at her lips. He didn’t know if it made it better or worse that it hurt her, too. Of course, he didn’t want her to hurt, but the thought of her being perfectly fine with it also killed him. “Bye, Leon.”
All the wrong decisions he ever made in his life washed over him. What he wouldn’t do to go back and change everything, tell her to stay. Instead, stuck in the present, he offered her a shaky smile. “Bye, Claire.”
X
All
“Tell me not to go,” Claire said, her arms around his neck.
“What?” Leon asked, his hands on her hips, keeping her close.
Instead of answering, she kissed him. Her whole body lit up like a Christmas Tree; the electricity and energy coursing through her surely enough to power a city, at least a town. The emptiness she felt when she pulled away was unbearable. “Tell me not to go.”
“Claire...I...” She kissed him again, not willing to hear the words, not willing to part with him.
He pulled away first, though he kept her close, her face inches from his as he looked into her soul. “Could you live with yourself if you don’t?”
A shaky exhale escaped her lips against her will, her shoulders sagging. He was right, but it wasn’t the whole of it. “I don’t know if I can live with myself if I do.”
He moved his hand to her cheek, pulling her into a bruising kiss. Everything they’d been through over the last couple of days surged through her: the fear, stress, and even love. They were a single wavelength, everything they were shared between their lips and tongues.
“Sherry and I will be okay,” Leon said when they parted, Claire’s heart breaking with every syllable. “You have to go find your brother.”