Chapter Text
Chip Bond just about had it when it came to running into Caeli Interitus. Seriously! The next time he saw that creepy deer-looking thing, he would shoot him square between the eyes and send him where the sun didn’t shine. That outlaw had gotten on his nerves for the last time.
Every time he ran into that mess of a varmint he had that funny feeling in his gut that he didn’t like. It roiled like a den of snakes, making him feel as if he were gonna barf them all up. The most unpleasant feeling in the world, it sure was.
Since he hated it so badly, why on God’s green Earth did fate keep steering him in the direction of that man? It had to be some twisted way of existence spitting on his boots.
He thought that everything was fine and dandy when the news got out about Caeli Interitus finally kicking the bucket. That had been the most mixed celebration of the century, perhaps millennia. It sure helped Chip breathe a sigh of fresh air, knowing that his mind and his heart no longer needed to tear each other’s throats out.
But that all changed when that bad egg decided that staying dead ain’t his ending point. Caeli Interitus and his stubborn self came back more terrifying than ever, leaving a wake of carnage now unburdened by his exoskeleton.
Chip kept getting the displeasure of meeting him.
Even just that very same day he found himself pouting over now, he ran into that deranged sun of a gun. Sure, their meeting of sorts ain’t the most exciting thing, but it no less set his blood to boil. As did any rotten run-in with Caeli Interitus.
Just like earlier… as cryptic as it was. Darn, he would have to get a drink to ease that spinning in his head. The saloon was still open, right?
Sour moods weren’t any stranger to Chip anymore. In just one moment, faster than his own trigger finger, the familiar feeling of bile from his last meal began to make itself known in his stomach, threatening to rise into his throat.
It was a busy town. A very busy town that could even be classified as a city with its size. He would have played off the uncomfortable feeling in his gut to that if it weren’t for two branches of prongs sticking out through all the ballyhoo.
Now that made his day completely rotten. A scowl made itself at home on his usually jovial face as he watched the two cracked abominations disappear down the street. While having Caeli Interitus out of his sight was some kind of relief, having the knowledge that he was there made that null.
Out of all places. Out of all people! That no good outlaw just had to poke around places Chip just had to be. Did that man have any hobbies other than being a pest?
His scowl deepening even more, Chip turned on his heel and made a determined stride in the opposite direction of the other. An unpleasant shiver ran up his back as the paranoia he didn’t want any part of began to settle in. That was just dandy, that freak was rubbing off on him.
Caeli Interitus and he used to see eye to eye on a lot of things— at least Chip thought they did. Turned out that his wheel horse had a lot of skeletons in his closet and once Chip opened Pandora’s Box on the guy, a whole slew of ugly lashed out like a bucking horse. Just his luck, always throwing in his bid with the worst of the bunch.
What he had to be glad of was steering clear when things got bad enough. Caeli Interius had shed his metal skin, emerging from the cocoon of death as some bad omen of a butterfly. It was hard for Chip to even think or say his name without letting slip the wickedness behind it.
Speaking of wicked…
“Ah, isn’t it my sweet Sheriff!” a metallic and distorted voice crooned as a hodag-like man stepped out from a side road. He stopped neatly in front of Chip, his dark gray and red cape flapping elegantly around his ankles. “Hello! I thought I saw that hat of yours poking through the crowd… My eyes were right!”
That horrible and unpleasant feeling welled up in Chip again as he stared down Caeli Interitus, his lips contorted in something akin to a snarl. That bull-headed freak. It would have cost him nothing to stick his nose someplace else.
“Hardly a pleasure,” huffed Chip, his left hand sliding back to his hip, his hand resting tensely on the butt of his revolver. “Whadda ye want, Caeli Interitus? Can’tcha see I’m busy ‘ere?”
“Of course, of course!” Caeli Interitus raised his hands in surrender and Chip once more spotted the glistening bits of gold on the other’s left hand. Really. He thought it before and he thought it again. Who in tarnation was crazy enough to marry this guy? “I thought it would just be a show of good faith to see how you are. I need to check up on the people I like, right?”
Suppressing a gag but not showing restraint to pull a face, Chip’s hidden glare deepened. This man was as crazy as a loon with a side of loco to boot. Why he continued to antagonize Chip was beyond him.
“Ye still like me?” he asked, not bothering to stifle the contempt in his voice. “Hah! If ye did, then ye would leave me on my lonesome, got it? I ain’t aboutta let ye walk back into my life just ‘cause we’ve been friends before.”
“Point,” Caeli Interitus said with a simple shrug, “I wasn’t looking for that anyway.”
A big fat lie and Chip knew it.
“What I wanted to corner you about—” Caeli Interitus continued, “— is something else entirely. I know you don’t like listening to a word I have to say, but you need to leave.”
Now that struck him like a slap across the face. Left acock, Chip merely stared at him as if he had just said he was gonna ride a bucking horse bareback. Did he have cotton in his ears? Who did Caeli Interitus think he was, giving out vague orders like Chip knew what in the hell he was talking about.
“‘Scuse me?” he said, “My business ain’t any of yers, Caeli Interitus! What? Gonna kill a man ‘ere and hope I’m lookin’ the other way? A little too late to salvage yer reputation, partner.”
The other shook his head soberly, some of his playful edge melting away. “No, it’s not any of that,” he said, “While I’m not here under a set of pleasant circumstances, there’s no bounty I’m after. There’s some business from my employer that I need to take care of. Nothing flashy, just some investigating some local disturbances to some people.”
“Since when did ye care about the common folk’s well bein’?”
“Only when they’re involved with something like this,” Caeli Interitus replied with a smile in his voice. Even his eyes glittered like gold in a pan. Malicious. “A new mystery and adventure is on my hands and I’m going to get to the bottom of it. But only after you go back. Your people would kill me if I let you get caught up in something like this.”
Yeah right. Chip had full faith in his posse to do some serious damage to anyone and anything, but to challenge and take down Caeli Interitus would be nothing short of a death sentence. Only yacks would try that.
And with that logic, he had to be the biggest yack around.
“Alright, fine,” he conceded, waving his hand dismissively. “It’s not like I wanted to finish up my business ‘ere anyway. Do what’cha want, Caeli Interitus. It’s too crowded to create a scene so I’ll let ye off this one time.”
“I’m honored that you’re sparing me. Can’t have people seeing you paint the streets in my blood, right?”
It ain’t as if Chip had any right to start laying down ground rules with this lunatic. If Caeli Interitus ever so wanted, he could squish him like a snakefly. To put it honestly, Chip ain’t too inclined to test that theory.
Besides, he was already stewing at the fact he couldn’t pop a bullet into his skull. Darn crowds… darn it all. Darn, even the fact that if he ever so wanted to, that trigger finger of his got stuck in gum. Darn the outlaw!
That was the irritating thing about that creature. He had some hex on the poor sheriff that he couldn’t suck it up and shoot him dead. However, even a fool knew that it ain’t true. His bleeding heart still found itself wrapped around Caeli Interitus’ pretty finger.
It ground his gears to no end. He just wanted that freak show to get out of his life for good. Wishful thinking, that was.
A heavy sigh grated by the gas mask of the other sliced through Chip’s thoughts as Caeli Interitus sent a sweeping look around the hustle and bustle. He appeared to be so at ease in the moment, which sent Chip on his nerves. He felt so tense that he could be a crazed bull the second someone put a hand on him. Though maybe Caeli Interitus hid his expression too— especially with that mask and those bangs of his.
For a long time, Chip thought that appearance gave him a dashingly rugged look… though elegant all the same. Now seeing those fluffy and curled locks dance around the other’s obscured face made him want to gag. Gag for multiple reasons, the main one being that a part of his heart still fluttered.
“Yeah, whatever, I’m leaving,” he said finally, waving his hand once more and taking a healthy step back. No use picking a fight out here and he sure didn’t wanna keep talking to that guy.
“Safe travels,” Caeli Interitus hummed. He carried a distant note in his voice, with mind and thoughts straying elsewhere.
“Whatever.”
God above, he hated that man.
He found himself seated at the prized saloon of his home universe, dubbed The Wild Weast. Not too shabby if he said so himself. A sheriff always had to be proud of his life’s work which also meant indulging in its riches.
That meant a strong liquor to wash down that dratted encounter with Caeli Interitus.
Ambrose, the lovely bar dog, already knew what to give him from one look at the miserable scowl on his sorry face. She already dipped behind the counter the second she saw him enter the raisin’ cain of a tavern and had a glass of golden brown liquid the second he lifted his eyes. Bless her heart.
“Thanks, Rose,” he said. Raising the glass in cheers that only he took part in, he tilted his head back and drained it in one mighty gulp. The amber liquid burned itself pleasantly down his throat, taking away most of his foul mood.
Setting it back down on the counter, Chip heaved a sigh. However, before he could go about telling Ambrose how nasty of a day he had, something touched his back. Startling like a rattlesnake jumping out of its skin, he wheeled around, half expecting to see bright yellow eyes and locks of black hair.
Black hair certainly was what met him. But it was a sight that he instead found pleasure and downright relief in seeing. Staring at him from behind massive spectacles was good ol’ Theo. Trust him and his large sniffer to know that Chip was back in town.
“Theo!” he greeted jovially. A good sheriff couldn’t have his group seeing him down in the slumps, right? “Come to get a drink with little ol’ me?”
The hairy critter in question gave a mighty fine convincing grin as he plopped down beside the sheriff. Swiveling around in his bar stool like a turn table, he kept fixing Chip with an owl-like stare.
“What?” Chip asked indignantly at the sixth spin, “Spill it, yer gonna get yerself dizzy!”
Just like that, Theo stopped giving himself the equivalent of the buzz of several drinks. He flopped his fluffy head down on the counter before staring up at Chip curiously— but also full of concern. Chip couldn’t help but wonder what for. He’d been doing his own grand thing, hadn’t he?
“SHIORI SAW YOU EARLIER!” the other told him, peeling himself off of the counter. His shrill voice made Chip wince, though it was a tad manageable through the din. “SHE SAID YOU DIDN’T LOOK TOO NICE!”
“Sure I’m fine!” Chip said. He reached for his empty glass absent-mindedly, only to find it filled back up by Ambrose. Again, bless her sweet heart. “She’s just a worry wart! Nothin’ to it! Can’t an honest man like me have some alone time?”
“YEAH, BUT WE SAW YOU WERE IN A BAD MOOD SO—”
“Bah!” He waved Theo off as he threw his head back to chug the glass again. Giving a cough as the liquid burned its way through him, he set the glass back down. The ice chunks clinked. “Bad moods? Me? Partner, that’s oil an’ water to ye!”
The look Theo shot him told him as clearly as day that he didn’t believe a lick of what he was saying. Figured. His above-board posse could read him like an open book.
“YOU RAN INTO CAELI, DIDN’T YOU?!” Theo pressed.
“Hey!” Chip suddenly bit out. That name ain’t something he wanted on nobody’s lips around there. “I can be in my own slump without that owlhoot pushin’ into my business!”
“SO YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD!”
“Says who?”
“SAYS YOU!”
Chip uttered a curse as strong as the alcohol pouring back into his drink. Theo got him there, that clever slink. Well, he just had to bite the bullet. Such a foolish slip-up.
“Fine, yeah, ye got me,” he said, “I just need ta sit this bout out. Ye know.”
Nodding in understanding, Theo hopped off his stool and lightly slapped Chip in the face with his bushy tail. The other made a face at it but knew it wouldn’t do no good to call it out. According to Theo’s special heart, that was just a friendly pat on the shoulder.
“OKAY!” the other barked, “OH! BY THE WAY! SHIORI ALSO TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THAT KUROI TOLD HER THAT THERE’S A PACKAGE AT YOUR PLACE!”
A package at his place? Now who was the sweetheart who decided to give him a gift? Maybe Kuroi thought that it would do him some good to get some surprises.
“Alright, alright,” Chip said. Now his interest was piqued. “Once I finish loafin’ ‘round, I’ll take a look.”
“OKAY!” repeated Theo.
With that, the mass of fur and messy clothes scuttled out of the saloon. It vaguely reminded Chip of a lizard diving for a rock’s cover. Such a funny one, Theo was.
One last time with a pleasant buzz beginning to weed out his thoughts of Caeli Interitus, Chip drained his third glass one final time.
“Thanks, Rose!” he said with a wink. Digging around in his pockets for bits and bobs, he shoveled out a couple coins. The tins clinked on the counter before rolling flat on their faces.
“Feel better,” said Ambrose, taking the coins back.
He sure was gonna feel better. Who knew? Maybe that package sitting at his doorstep had some extravagant booze nestled within straw! That would properly get his mind back on track. What was better than kicking back and enjoying the heat of the day with something cold?
.
What a ripe ol’ disappointment it was to see that the box looked too small to carry any healthy amount of moonshine. God above, it didn’t seem like it could fit anything bigger than the size of Chip’s fist! What was this, some kind of peace offering Caeli Interitus sent over? He highly doubted it.
Grumbling nonsensical jargon to himself, Chip plucked the package right off the doorstep. It was… surprisingly heavy to say the least. Felt too heavy to be packing any lead. So what was it?
Turning it over, he searched for a sender’s name. Huh. Strange. There didn’t seem to be any writing. Not like he was gonna read that hogwash anyway, the goodies inside were all that mattered.
“Now what are ye, little fellow?” he said aloud as he examined the wooden box. It looked like a tiny crate for airtights if he let his imagination off the reigns. What a funny little thing it was… he could easily put it to use in some way or another.
It would have been an act of God if the package talked back to him, so the only way to reveal its secrets was if he looked himself. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back, as the saying went. Much more appetizing than the more common and shortened version.
Prying his fingers underneath the lid, he popped the wooden box open without so much as a creak in protest. He either had more strength than he gave himself credit for, or the box was just a wimp.
For his own tattered ego, he was going to assume the former was the case.
When he peered inside like a bright-eyed kid, he found himself sorely disappointed but intrigued all the same. What in tarnation was that?! Some kinda strange egg that an even stranger chicken popped out?
The stone had a blackened and craggy look to it, but there seemed to be a method to the madness. What method it was, Chip had no bleeding clue about it. Though he couldn’t deny that there had to be some purpose behind the worn and chipped lines encircling it like waves.
Now who would give such a strange pebble to him? Maybe someone who overheard his fondness for river stones? But this sure ain’t a river stone.
He reached into the box to pull the odd stone out for a better look.
“Woah!” he breathed, weighing it up in his hand. “Ain’t ye a heavy little thing?”
No sooner than he said that, an odd rush of nausea overcame him as if his three sloppy glasses of strong booze finally showed their dander. It ain’t that and he knew it before the theory cemented itself in his mind.
What in God’s name was that—?! Smoke?! He never gotta finish that thought as the smoldering ash suddenly welled up around him as if he stood in the eye of a cranky dust devil. Immediately alarmed, he tried to drop the stone only to find it vanishing into thin air.
That was when he realized that he was being taken too. Disappearing along with the stone! He couldn’t even give out a cry as he vanished from sight faster than his own trigger.
Curiosity did in fact kill the cat. Satisfaction had to work a hell of a lot of overtime to try to get it back.
————————
The clicking of boots filled the air, much louder than the fading noise of pedestrian traffic. By now, the alley had been properly secured and quieted with only two souls left to manage it all. Not bad for working on only a moment’s notice, if Caeli Interitus had to say so himself.
He placed his half-gloved hands on his hips as he came to a stop, his cape flitting around his ankles at the abrupt ceasing of movement. Looking down, he carefully analyzed the ground of the last known location of one dubbed “Sherie Invankova”. It was a name reminiscent of old times… far older than he cared to admit. Perhaps that was why he suddenly became so enthralled by the chase.
Beside him, his associate took up position beside him and began to paw over their clipboard filled to the brim with notes. How there were so many notes for such a sparse situation to begin with, he had no idea.
Still, he could see himself doing the exact same thing. So that was a plus when it came to him trying to relate to this person. There was hardly anything to begin with.
Dara Captiosus tapped the board with their pen, forest green eyes narrowing as they read through their extensive report. Aloud, of course, as Caeli only just arrived on the scene mere minutes ago.
However, he wasn’t entirely focused on it. As he listened to the play-by-play from his companion, his mind wandered to that chance encounter with Chip Bond. It would be more accurate to say he nodded along without even bothering to hear their words. Instead, he kept wondering what that esteemed sheriff was up to. Call it strange to have his mind drift that way, but it was only natural to keep tabs on someone he cared about, even if the sentiment wasn’t returned.
Towns and cities like these should have been the bane of Chip’s existence. Still, Caeli couldn’t help but fondly think about what drew him out there. Maybe for the same reason why he was standing there now… the thought made him uneasy. Chip was no longer part of The Masked Legion, so there really couldn’t be a reason behind him investigating anomalies…
Unless this anomaly in question was causing trouble back at The Wild Weast. Maybe once he finished up business in this quaint town, he would swing by to check in on everything. Only if Chip didn’t nail him for running into him again so soon.
That had been the most cordial of a chat he had shared with the Sheriff of The Wild Weast, which was saying a lot despite the frostiness of both parties. To be completely honest with himself, Caeli thought Chip would put up more of a fight to get his way. Just like that, he took to the winds and vanished within the sea of people.
Always such a strange man…
“…ister Interitus? Mister Interitus? Are you listening?”
Caeli stirred himself awake out of his thoughts with a blink and a shake of his head, biting down a surging annoyance at the interruption. Why he did agree to help out with this poor soul who had the displeasure of working with him? More like he had the displeasure of working with Dara. Still, the answer was as clear as day: because The Narrator said so. He wasn’t about to start denying their orders as liberally as he wanted to.
“Ah? Yes, yes, I am,” he said with a nod. With an effort, he looked over at them.
“So you don’t need me to remind you about that one bit with how she turned to ash in front of everyone’s eyes?”
A wince and a beat. Yes, they did need to remind him. Had he been dazing out for that long? Judging by how high Dara’s eyebrows were raised, apparently for long enough.
“A refresher would do some good,” he said, taking a few steps back and scanning the nearby pavement for any flecks of gray and black. None were meeting his eye, but then again, he wasn’t wearing his glasses.
“And you would also know that the ash disappeared as well?”
“Don’t need to rub it in,” he chided heavily. More annoyance shot through him at how much of an idiot he was presenting himself as.
Dara shot him a look as they fully caught up to his lie. Looking about ready to throw their clipboard at him, they pinched the bridge of their nose in an annoyance much less veiled than his.
“Right,” they said before pausing. A few beats passed between them once more. “Okay, let’s just get the cat out of the bag. I need you one hundred percent here and you’re like… let’s say fifty. What’s going on?”
Oh, these Fool’s Paradise people. Did he have to tell them everything that was on his mind? Didn’t they have some ability to read his thoughts like some creepy fortune teller?
Never mind that or he’d be standing there all day giving them the stink eye.
“Just ran into a former acquaintance of mine,” he said dismissively, “I was hoping he took my warning and listened to it.”
“Something that you should be doing right now,” reprimanded Dara. They once more tapped their clipboard while giving him a critical glare. “You’re lucky Xolemi isn’t here calling the shots.”
“If I can survive her, then I can survive you,” Caeli said with a smile in his eyes. He inclined his head to the side, matching their stare. Yes, if he could survive those multiple assassination attempts, then he could deal with a few hours of nagging.
Now wasn’t the time to be pushing his buttons. Sure, his mind kept betraying him and wandering to places elsewhere, but he felt a lot more at ease without some official from that dreaded place breathing down his neck. Did The Narrator not trust him to carry out this simple task?
Apparently, not. Caeli had to find out why they suddenly flipped the tables on him, but that was a mystery for another day.
Sighing and shaking their head, Dara lowered the clipboard to their side. “Geez, they weren’t lying when they said you were difficult to work with. Listen, Mister Interitus, I’ve got a busy day ahead of me and yours is looking bleak. Can you please just make my life easier for a couple hours? I hate time crunches enough as it is.”
Now that was something he could get behind, but he didn’t feel all that much inclined to make a Fool’s Paradise member’s day better. That would be a different story if their name was Zorro… or The Narrator on special occasions.
But Dara? No, they were about as vanilla as people from there come.
“Sure,” Caeli finally conceded, “Alright, go ahead and run that report through me again.”
It took thirty minutes for Dara to thoroughly run through all their notes. This time, Caeli did the polite thing and listened to every single word that they uttered. This time, he realized how much of an idiot he was for dazing out for the first run-through.
There were many things that Caeli called “interesting” that caught his attention. However, this was truly “interesting.”
Sherie Invankova had been a resident of this town and universe ever since she had been a little girl— from the way Dara described it. Hailing from… from a place Caeli had never heard about in his painfully short life. Still, that gave the prospect of a wide universe out there waiting for him to explore.
The meat of the story caught his attention when poor Sherie was subject to an odd object she found while on her stroll. What it was? Neither Dara nor any witnesses could figure out. All anyone saw was her picking up something from a pile of newspapers and being whisked away in a shadowy cloud, leaving nothing but black ash flying in the wind.
So why stick out their necks and ask for his intuition? He was a discount version of them, so why all the fuss? Maybe The Narrator wanted to throw him a bone and give him a rewarding puzzle to solve. That sounded like them, all right.
“And the mysterious object?” he prompted.
“Gone just like her.”
A distorted whistle sounded from behind Caeli’s mask. Of course, it would have gone missing with Sherie. That would have made things too easy and who liked a nice walk in the park anyway?
“This just keeps getting better and better,” he said heavily, “And wait… your people can’t track her down?”
“Well, we know she’s not dead— at least not yet,” Dara replied. A more business edge to their tone settled into place as they flipped back through their notes. “As for her whereabouts…” They gave a fruitless shrug.
“Aren’t you all-knowing with the whole of existence?”
They gave him a dry stare. “Don’t insult us, Mister Interitus. You might be found obsolete if you keep this up.”
As if they had any right to make that call. Only The Narrator did. However, Caeli knew that arguing would be pointless, especially against someone like that. Just like the grand majority of the people from Fool’s Paradise, Dara was getting sent to the disliked list.
“I’m just curious,” he said innocently, “It’s pretty odd that people just vanish like that, even for you.”
They obviously didn’t want to admit that he was right. With a stiff back, Dara turned away from him to avoid eye contact, instead staring determinately at the ground several paces away.
Leave it to those proud Fool’s Paradise people getting offended over the smallest things.
However, they weren’t averting their eyes because they didn’t want to look at him. They were looking away because something else had caught their attention. Only a second later, did Caeli register it as well.
All of his senses snapped to alert as Dara gave a hitched breath.
“There’s a disturbance!” they called. The clipboard in their hands disappeared with a white flash of light as it suddenly became a sort of strange probe. An ugly one. It looked lethal.
“Glad to know we’re both seeing it,” Caeli replied, standing straighter than before.
His eyes sharpened as he stared at the distorting section of space in front of the two. It gave the uncanny appearance of a black hole struggling to come to life to swallow the objects around it. Or maybe an ink blot on paper, ruining the pen marks of solid objects.
Whatever it reminded him of, he didn’t like it one bit. This couldn’t have been the object Sherie had picked up, right? He really didn’t want to reach over and try to touch it, he was already feeling squeamish enough as it was.
Though it must have been. It was right over where she had turned to ash.
“We need to get out of here!” he barked at Dara, taking a fast step backward and nearly tripping over his own feet. Why were they feeling so heavy?! He needed his legs to move, not lock up!
Instead of a coherent reply, he heard a guttural noise, chilling him right to the bone. Instantly, memories flashed in front of his eyes, unbidden as he tried to keep himself cemented in the present. Multiple limbs, piercing eyes, strangled cries of torment. Doing his best to shake them away, he spun his head around to see what had ensnared Dara…
… Only to see them vanish into black ash.
That meant he was next.
Caeli was not going to let that happen. Spinning on his heel, he took off away from the growing distortion in space. If that Fool’s Paradise goon could fall that fast to it, then he would be an even quicker snack to whatever that thing was. Reaching out, he summoned a portal to take him home.
But it did something it had never done since he became immortal. It glitched. And even when it finally cemented itself into existence, he became oddly light. That sent every nerve on end, shooting through with adrenaline and a bid for survival. No! No! He had to get through!
It was far too late for wishful thinking to get him anywhere. The ashes finished consuming him as the portal closed without an occupant.