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The day had been dreary. The clouds covered the sun in hazy gray hues and rained for what had seemed like hours. Leehan had spent his day cooped up in his room for most of it, watching the raindrops splattering onto the window seal. He could have chosen to do anything else.. Maybe seek the comfort of tagging along with Taesan and Jaehyun? He didn’t feel like listening to their sentiments about how he was holding up these days.
Leehan was a man of little words. He enjoyed being there for his friends, listening to their feelings that they had tucked away so deeply. Especially Taesan who he had watched pin over Jaehyun for months before they talked it over. Now, he had the pleasure of knowing he was the push that Taesan needed. However, for his own emotions? It was never easy for him to express himself.
It wasn’t like he was depressed or going through any hardships. He spent the past few months focusing on his craft after being gifted a new camera.
He looked through his entire portfolio of pictures that he photographed. Pictures of flowers fresh with morning dew, the smiles of strangers he’d see in passing, and even of his own beloved fish. He loved how pictures held so many feelings. Feelings that most people would never be able to capture.. His camera could though.
He wondered how his pictures from his old camera must have been like. He stood away from the window, setting down his camera carefully before looking at his shelf. He stretched his arm to pick up a dusty, old canon camera that he had since high school. The camera had held so many memories of his growth as a person and a photographer. It’s what sparked his curiosity in the first place.
Leehan had always been so fond of nature. Growing up with parents who wanted to give his exposure to more tangible things caused his young mind to expand in ways that most wouldn’t understand. He found the comfort of all that nature had to offer.
Leehan sat on the edge of his bed, turning on the camera for the first time in years. His eyes widened at the first sight. His ex boyfriend, Lee Riwoo, with a soft smile on his face. Leehan’s expression softened. Remembering the moment well.
“Like this?” Riwoo attempted to pose in front of the museum they visit, eliciting a chuckle from Leehan.
“No, just.. Be natural..” Leehan state, but this only caused Riwoo to be more nervous. He frantically tried to move in ways that made him appear silly. Leehan’s laughter was infectious, his small hicks and his eye smile. He loved his boyfriend with everything in him.
He thought of something to try and make this process easier. He glanced away from the lens for a second and shot a soft look in Riwoo’s direction.
“You know, you’re really cute when you smile.”
Riwoo completely froze. His eyes seemed to catch the light, he smiled. A genuine smile that was enough to fill Leehan’s heart with the memories of him for years to come. A soft little chuckle escaped his lips.
Leehan quickly snapped a picture, “Ah.. You laughed. Cute.” he murmured before checking the picture with a fond look in his eyes.
Leehan realized just how many little memories they had formed together. All the smiles and laughter they shared. Maybe that’s what was missing from his days. He missed the beauty of his world with Riwoo shining within it. Leehan could feel a pang of hurt in his chest where he assumed his heart was.
He flicked through his camera, every single one manifestation of his pain. The pain of longing from something he was no longer entitled to. Leehan knew Riwoo was a click away. He knew he wouldn’t hesitate to answer, and that was a part of the issue. It was harder being apart than being together with the knowledge of knowing that they’d be oceans apart with being able to hold one another. And that’s what hurt the most.
Leehan flicked to another picture. Another shared memory of theirs laid in the grass and enjoying the summer’s sun together. It was the most recent picture.
It was the beginning of summer and the end of Riwoo being able to spend his leisure time with Leehan. There was an obvious tension between them that they both chose to ignore. A silent mutual agreement if you will.
Riwoo laid a picnic blanket out for them to enjoy the scenery together. It was the ending of the day. The sun bleeding into the sky in a fusion of pinks, yellows, and blue. The grass swaying in the breeze. For a moment, everything felt better than what reality was bringing.
The reality was at the end of this day Riwoo would be going to college, leaving Leehan behind. And Leehan was hurt.
Actually, he was more than hurt; He was devastated. His heartache at the thought of being apart so long so every second, minute, and hour mattered more than the next one. Leehan was holding by a thread, and Riwoo could feel it. He could tell by the wavering in Leehan’s voice, the strength of his pull on Riwoo’s waist.
Riwoo knew.
Every moment that he breathed, he fought his own tears. So, instead of breaking down in a fit of sobs. Riwoo laid onto the blanket with Leehan.
Leehan didn’t want to think, he didn’t want to speak. He just wanted to enjoy this moment and whatever was left of their moments together.
Riwoo inched closer, wavering of how Leehan might be feeling but Leehan sought him out. He wrapped his arms around Riwoo for a moment.
“I’m going to miss you.. So fucking much.” Leehan murmured. He swallowed down the pain of his own words, as if he was trying to convince himself that things were okay.
Riwoo gave him a soft expression. “I'm going to miss you even more..”
Leehan couldn’t process it on his own. His heart ached as if he’d never be seeing Riwoo again, but he knew that wasn’t true. Riwoo told him he’d visit often, but it was the pain of him not being accessible when he longed for him. Riwoo wasn’t even gone and it felt as if they were already falling apart. His eyes were failing him, revealing his emotions. Tears sliding down his hair and wetting his hair. He looked into Riwoo’s eyes. “I love you, okay?”
Riwoo wiped his tears and smiled. He kissed the tears away, caressing Leehan’s keep. “I love you more baby.. It’s going to be okay..” he reassured him.
The remainder of their date was spent enjoying each other’s warmth. Even if the summer’s heat was enough to cause them to dip into a vat of ice. Leehan rolled over and grabbed his camera.
He smothered Riwoo’s cheeks in soft kisses.
“One picture before we go?” he asked.
Riwoo let out a soft chuckle. He couldn’t tell his pouting boyfriend no. He gave him a nod.
Leehan stayed close. He turned on the camera, snapping a picture of them snuggling on the picnic blanket.
Leehan’s heart felt heavy. He tried to keep those feelings away, he tried burying them deep within the deep pits of his heart. He couldn’t possibly get Riwoo out of his head. Nor did he truthfully want to.
He looked at his phone across the room. He should call him. He reached for it, and dialed his number.
He waited, and waited, and waited until Riwoo answered in a groggy voice. “Leehanie?”
Leehan’s heart soared. The sound of Riwoo’s voice bringing a smile on his lips.
“Hey..” he murmured. “I missed you.”