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Kageyama gazed down at the papers in front of him, bills with numbers he couldn’t even start to pronounce. The black haired man shoved the papers away from himself, and buried his face in his palms. So much debt , so much money . And no hospital, no medicine, no doctor, no nurse, no physical therapy, nothing, had been able to save his mother.
His mother, oh god his mother. She had been his greatest support through his entire life. She had taught him about the stars on the sky, and taken him to faraway mountainsides so they could both see the beautiful night sky. His mother who would sing and stroke his hair until he fell asleep each time he was sick, even until his last year of high school and he thought himself too old for his mother’s caresses. When he was beat up in fifth grade, she urged him to learn to defend himself. In eighth grade when he fell for a boy in his class, she comforted him while he cried over the rejection. In eighth grade when he was rejected by his volleyball club. She always made him the most special dishes. Maybe they had never been special, but there was something about them. Each time he’d try to make them, even with his mother’s instructions, they tasted differently.
And then the cancer hit.
The two of them, always a team, always just his mother and him, they had just celebrated her 40th birthday. She’d blown out her candles, teased Kageyama for putting 40 candles on her cake. “Just one would have been enough, my dear.” She had told him in her ever gentle voice. A voice he had promised himself never to forget, a face he promised himself never to forget. A couple days later, the hospital called her. Kageyama spent most of his time - not enough of his time - being with his mother, stroking her hair and singing to her until she fell asleep.
She didn’t live to see her 41st birthday.
He moved his face from his palms, clenched his eyes shut. How was he even supposed to pay all of it? The numbers he could never even hope to pronounce. There was nothing he wanted but to cry until everything was okay again.
~
Hinata wasn’t sure if he could ever pinpoint the exact moment this had become his life.
He pulled the knife out of his target’s chest. Wiped the blood off the blade on her sleeve, hid the small knife in his coat again. If only the poison had done its job, if only he had given enough in the first place, he would’ve saved himself some bloodshed.
If he really thought back, there were a few “maybe”s he could throw out. “Maybe” it was when he was 16 and needed money. “Maybe” it was when he was 17 and the only way he could pay them back was by hiding brown envelopes in his home, and never open them no matter what happened. One time he did, broke all the rules he’d been told and opened one of the brown envelopes. He’d found a strange white powder, and lost a finger. “Maybe” it was later the year he was 17, and joined for the thrill of killing.
The small man dried blood splatter off his face. He loved the bloodshed. Hinata berated himself for being careless enough to splatter blood on himself. His first classes of the day did, after all, start very soon.
~
Hinata and Kageyama had been sharing an apartment since they’d started college three years ago, and been fucking for two of those years.
“With no strings attached, there’s no way I’d date a dumbass.”
Hinata had picked up on Kageyama’s habits, he’d had years after all, and he’d always thought of himself as observant. Kageyama’s habits were strange, he always put on socks before pants; when he was thinking, he could hold a cup of coffee and stare blankly at a wall until someone said something to him; always had too much coffee, and his coffee cups sometimes looked like diabetes in a cup; he seemed to never smile; he snored, drooled, and always fell asleep on Hinata’s arm when they were cuddling; but Hinata’s least favourite habit was how Kageyama always smoked after they fucked, or before big exams he didn’t study for, or any other times when he felt the slightest bit of stress.
One Saturday morning, Hinata had woken up in their bed alone. Usually he was the first one up, at any given day. Kageyama’s side was cold and empty, and Hinata snorted, mumbled something about how that was a metaphor for his life. The floor was uncomfortably cold against his bare feet, and he padded into the small kitchen of their apartment.
Kageyama sat in front of their kitchen table, smoking what seemed to be his fourth cigarette, the numerous bills from when his mother was sick around him. His face hidden in his palms, just like how Hinata had seen him too often. The orange haired man stood frozen, paralysed in fear when he heard the soft sobs escaping from Kageyama.
“I need to quit college.” Hinata shook his head, he couldn’t let the one good thing in his life leave him. Not like that. The man opened his mouth, closed it. The words on the tip of his tongue refused to leave. Maybe his body’s betrayal was a way for him to not scream at Kageyama for giving up.
“I-I can’t pay these bills. Not with college, not-not with everything.” Kageyama looked up from the papers in front of him. Fought the need to crumple them up and throw them away, and let the debt just disappear into the trash bin together with the stupid papers. He looked over at Hinata, saw him shake his head.
“There’s another way, Tobio.” Hinata startled himself by how calm he sounded, how certain he sounded of his words. “There-there has to be.” he mumbled, as though an afterthought. Kageyama glared at him through his tears, bit his lip.
“I’ve been paying this stupid debt since she died four years ago. There’s nothing else to do, Shouyo.” Kageyama’s voice was thick with the overpowering sadness that threatened to destroy him, to rip him to shreds and never leave. “They want their money next week.”
“There is a way.”
~
Sometimes Kageyama couldn’t remember her voice.
~
Kageyama met her at a party in Kuroo’s, a senior, house. Tomoko Sato, she’d said her name was. Before Bokuto, Kuroo’s best friend, had dragged Kuroo away to play beer pong, he’d explained that she was a distant relative.
And Kageyama had hit it off well with Tomoko.
She’d laughed at his stupid jokes, and he’d even smiled once. He blamed the smile on the alcohol he never ingested. The two had made fun of Kuroo when he lost his round of beer pong, and laughed harder when Kuroo blamed his failure on the beers he'd had earlier.
He ignored Hinata’s glare, the green monster of envy Hinata turned into at each smile, each laugh. Instead, he stared at Tomoko. Her infectious smile, the glimmer in her eyes.
But most importantly, Tomoko had an answer to his money issue.
~
Kageyama had been told by Tomoko to meet at an address she’d written on his arm, with strict instructions to memorise it, and scrub it off when he got home.
His hands shook with nervousness as he stared at the intimidating metal door in front of him. After he’d knocked and mentioned Tomoko’s name, he’d been escorted to a room. Green chairs that looked comfortable and a wooden desk decorated the room, together with a painting and two bookcases. The entire room clashed with the worn down exterior of the building.
After five minutes of uncomfortable silence, while no matter how he moved around in the chair, he stayed uncomfortable, a man walked in. A suit, no tie and the three first buttons on his white shirt unbuttoned. Dark hair slicked back, with the smallest hint of a beard growing on his face. The man sat down behind the desk, spent more time than necessary on making himself comfortable, poured himself a glass of scotch without offering anything to Kageyama.
“Please call me Kuwata. Now, Kageyama, what can I do for you?” The man’s voice, husky and very fitting for his appearance, startled Kageyama out of his thoughts. His brown eyes seemed kind, a sly grin over his face. Kageyama bit his lip, looked up at the painting behind the man. There was something familiar about it, a vase of yellow flowers, two red.
“I-I need money.” Kageyama replied, looked down from the painting to the man again. His grin widened.
Five minutes later, Kageyama was given an envelope with more money than he’d ever held before. An envelope with money enough to pay off his mother’s hospital bills, and even a bit more. He felt like he could cry, but unlike before, it would be in relief.
“Don’t worry about the paying us back just yet, we’ll get back to you.”
~
“You did what ?” Hinata’s voice was shrill, he tugged at his orange hair. Could this make his hair turn grey early? Wanted to do nothing but scream and scream and scream until his throat was sore. Wanted to punch Kageyama until he saw logic again. His fist clenched. Unclenched.
“I did what I had to.” Kageyama was calm. He blinked in confusion at the reaction from Hinata, he hadn’t expected the smaller man to react badly. Or care at all. All Hinata had done for him, was empty promises. Empty promises of how he was gonna help Kageyama with his money issues. But now that Kageyama had solved his issues by himself, all he got from Hinata was anger.
“You-you dumbass !” Hinata’s face was pale, he stumbled backwards in shock. He touched the wall with his hand before sliding down against it. Knees against chest, and rested face against his knees. “ You fuckwit .” he whispered, with no real malice behind it.
Kageyama crouched down in front of him, hand on his shoulder. “I’m,” he looked around, as if their living room knew what he should say to make everything okay again. “I’m sorry?” Hinata looked up, wiped his face with the back of his hand.
“No, you’re not.” Hinata sniffed. “But you will be.”
~
Sometimes, he couldn’t remember how she looked.
~
“That’s the star Sirius.” Kageyama whispered, pointed to a star, scared that if he spoke loudly, the illusion of the peacefulness and the serenity they were experiencing would disappear. His other hand was entwined with Hinata’s, and they both lay close together on a blanket, on a field of grass in the countryside. After their lessons that Friday, they decided to take a small vacation together.
They jumped on the first train, and suddenly they found themselves in the countryside. The inn they found was small, and Kageyama wasn’t even sure he could call it an inn. But they checked in, left their belongings and left hand in hand.
“You can’t be sirius.” Hinata replied, his voice a whisper, but the soft laugh was a bit louder. The dark haired man raised an eyebrow and shook his head. Hinata pointed up to an asterism, then looked over at Kageyama. “Which one is that?”
“That’s the Plough.”
Hinata nodded before he sat up, stared at Kageyama. Ignored how his heart skipped a beat when he smiled, ignored how the butterflies in his stomach had evolved into angry pterodactyls fighting to get out. He placed a quick kiss on Kageyama’s lips, and the black haired man tried to smile back. Hinata lay back down, closer to Kageyama than before.
“That one is the star Polaris.”
~
Five weeks later, Kageyama woke up to their doorbell ringing. After all his exams, he’d finally been able to sleep in. He glanced over to Hinata’s side of the bed, but it was cold and he was alone. Like usual. He pulled on the first pair of pants he found on the floor, and as he walked over to the door, he tugged a shirt on.
“Tobio Kageyama?” The smiling woman in front of him asked the second he opened the door. He nodded, felt the sleep around his eyes. “I’m here for the first payment.” Her words startled him awake, she brushed off some invisible dust from her shoulders as she waited for his reply.
“Y-yeah, of course. Please come in while I-” The woman shook her head, held up a hand to stop him from talking any more. Her red lips curled up in a smile again.
“I’d prefer to stay out here.” her smile was wide, disarming. “I don’t have all day, please hurry.” Kageyama nodded back, closed the door. In a hurried frenzy, he searched through his stuff for the money she demanded.
~
“I love you.”
~
The early morning rays shone through the thin curtains in their bedroom, Hinata woke up to the birds chirping outside. The calm, lazy morning made him smile, and he looked over at Kageyama’s sleeping form, a peaceful expression over his face. One Hinata hadn’t seen for several months. The smaller man brushed a strand of hair out of Kageyama’s face, a gentle smile over his lips as he stared at his partner.
Every ounce of harmony left Hinata’s small frame the second his alarm started beeping. He sighed deeply through his nose, and stared at Kageyama as he stretched out an arm to turn off the alarm. He cracked open a bleary eye to glare at Hinata.
“I really hate early morning classes.” Hinata whispered. He wanted the lazy morning to continue as long as possible. Looked at Kageyama, into his eyes, as he spoke.
“Dumbass, you signed up for those 8am lectures. Everyday.” Kageyama snorted, his voice still hoarse with sleep, and Hinata sighed loudly. He placed a quick kiss on Hinata’s lips.
“If I do the same next year, please smack some sense into me.” Hinata said as he sat up, the floor cold against his feet. If he didn’t get up then, he probably wouldn’t. “Besides, I-” he turned to look at Kageyama, but the other man had fallen asleep again. He smiled softly at his partner. “I love you.”
~
“We’ve been doing this for long six months already, and you haven’t even paid us back half the amount we agreed on.” The painting behind the man was the only familiar thing in the room. The vase with the yellow flowers and two red ones. The green chairs that once had been there, had been switched out with two very red chairs. The desk was a dark wooden one now. Kageyama nodded, looked down in shame. “I’ll be honest, Kageyama, I’m starting to feel very impatient.” Kageyama looked at him, worry etched into his face. The man smiled widely, fixed his collar. “And you would not like me when I’m impatient.”
“I’m sorry,” The man’s expression scared Kageyama, and he wanted to run. To escape everything, and be done with it. Maybe if he borrowed money from someone else, maybe that would solve things for him. He shook his head softly, even he understood what a poor idea that was. “But please, please , give me a bit more time.”
~
“I don’t need a study group.” Kageyama crossed his arms in front of his chest, a frown etched into his face. The freckled man in front of him gave him a look of disbelief, Kageyama could have sworn his eyebrows were raised to his hairline.
“You almost failed your exam.” Yamaguchi replied, “The only reason you didn’t, is because the teacher felt bad for you.” Kageyama took a step back, his mouth formed a thin line, took a deep breath through his nose. His nostrils flared in anger.
“Fine, but I’m bringing Hinata.” He sent a quick text to Hinata, told him to meet them in the library when the lectures were over. When Yamaguchi showed up with Tsukishima and Yachi, Kageyama knew he shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was over it.
With Yachi’s help, he was able to do more of his work than what he expected that he’d do the entire year, and Hinata seemed as surprised as Kageyama was.
It took them ten more minutes before Kageyama and Tsukishima got into a disagreement, and the librarians thought they were making too much of a ruckus in the library, and they were thrown out.
~
Kageyama doubled over when the fist made contact with his gut. A metallic taste in his mouth. The dirty concrete ground felt cold against his bruised cheek. He pulled his legs up towards his chest, prayed they would leave him alone.
A heavy boot made contact with his chest, and he lost his breath. While gasping for breath, someone grabbed onto his hair to pull him up to his knees.
One of the men around him glared, and a fist connected with his face. Kageyama wiped the blood away from under his nose. He winced in the pain moving brought him, that just touching his lip caused. His hand, his wrist, hurt more, worse , than he’d ever felt. He didn’t even want to think what that meant.
Kuwata stepped from the shadows, loomed ominously in front of him. Kageyama looked up from where he was, ignored his split lip and the pain that was everywhere. The man’s face was devoid of any human emotion Kageyama had ever seen before.
“Please, I just need one more day.”
~
The one day he got passed much quicker than he’d wanted it to.
After he’d stumbled back shortly after midnight, he’d collapsed in bed. Two hours later, Hinata had found him, fussed over him and gotten him to the emergency room.
Sometime during the early morning, they got back to their apartment, Kageyama with a blue cast over his broken wrist, and three stitches over a wound on his forehead he didn’t know he had. The rest of the morning he spent holding Hinata close, and tried - and failed - not crying over how he was in more debt, and how stupid hospitals were. Hinata patiently held him closer, stroked his hair until he fell asleep.
Kageyama woke up at the sound of a doorbell ringing, and his stomach dropped. The sneaking feeling of dread made chills go up his spine, and his stomach took a barrel roll. Hinata woke up at the sound, pried himself off Kageyama. A sad smile over his lips as he urged the black haired man to go to the door.
A woman Kageyama had never seen before stood on their doorstep, her lips curled in distaste when he’d said he couldn’t make that last payment, and she left without another word.
~
He couldn’t remember her voice anymore.
~
Hinata was a hitman, there was no other way he could put it.
His way of earning money outside of college, was by killing people he’d been told to kill. He’d get a folder, or a name, or a picture. Sometimes he got a method or other specific instructions, but usually he was left to his own device to figure out how the target was gonna leave.
And he loved his job.
He loved the cafés he’d go to get the folders; the way he’d walk down the street with an empty black suitcase and change suitcases with someone else and get the folder; the way he’d meet up at bars and restaurants to get the folders.
This time, he found himself sitting in a private booth in a restaurant, waiting expectantly for his client to show up. Whenever he was told to meet in a restaurant, he knew it would be a more important kill.
Just as he had ordered himself his first glass of wine, a familiar grey haired person showed up with a big smile. They nodded in recognition, and Hinata got up from his seat.
“Mx Refreshing!” Hinata greeted, and they rolled their eyes, sat down in the chair opposite of him. He placed the small black suitcase under the table.
“Still with the nicknames, huh?” Suga replied, still smiling. The two of them ordered their food. Hinata loved the important assignments. After they had both finished half their meals, and they were sure no-one was around to listen into their conversation, Suga started explaining the target.
“Now, the target is someone who borrowed a lot of money from our boss, but hasn’t paid it back yet.” Suga opened his black suitcase, took out the folder. Placed it on the table, and pushed it towards Hinata.
“Here’s the folder to your target.” Hinata looked down at the folder, opened it, and a picture of Kageyama stared back up at him.
~
He couldn’t do it.
He was professional , with more kills than he had fingers and toes. But each time he looked at Kageyama’s sleeping form with the gun in his hand, he just couldn’t . Each time he slipped arsenic in Kageyama’s coffee before class, he pretended to trip and spill it everywhere. Each time he chopped vegetables and wondered how quickly he could stab the knife into Kageyama’s chest, he let go of it and asked Kageyama to finish his vegetables.
And Kageyama stayed oblivious to his every attempt.
He briefly wondered how long he could put it off before something happened.
~
Kageyama sat on the couch when Hinata returned to their apartment. He’d turned off every light but the one lamp next to the couch. The orange light from the streetlamp outside illuminated the floor in front of him. Hinata opened the door as carefully as he always did when he returned to their home late.
“How long, Shoyou?” Hinata looked up, felt like a deer caught in headlights. The soft light from the lamp next to Kageyama barely lit up some of his face, but despite the dim lighting, he could make out the disappointed frown over his face. Hinata closed the door behind himself, heard the lock click shut.
“What?” Kageyama sighed deeply, got up from the couch, and walked towards Hinata.
“How long was I love you a lie?” Hinata’s heart stopped.
“It-” Hinata began, the words left his mouth before he could even think about them. Before he could reconsider and make up a lie, his mouth betrayed him.
“It was never true.”
~
He held onto the pictures he had of her, because without them he couldn't remember her face.
~
The rope dug into his wrists, every movement caused pain and he wanted to do nothing but scream. The cloth tied tightly around his head, over his mouth. Hinata looked around in confusion, wondering how he’d ended up there. The last thing he remembered, was holding Kageyama close to himself, trying to ease some of the other man’s worries, despite how he had recently admitted to never loving the other man. Some weak attempts at helping him not to worry about what would happen to him later.
That wouldn’t be an issue anymore, it seemed.
He hoped he was wrong.
Hinata looked to his side and spotted Kageyama. If glares could kill, Hinata would be dead three times over. The ropes around his wrists seemed tighter than Hinata’s own, and the cloth in Kageyama’s mouth was stained by blood. The orange haired man shut his eyes, turned his head away from Kageyama. Grabbed onto the armrest, tightened his grip until his knuckles were white and the wood creaked in protest.
Kuwata opened the door, Hinata let go of the armrest in surprise. Kuwata, with his unpleasant, sly grin, walked in. Three people walked after him, like puppies after their mother. He smiled and greeted both of them.
“Hinata.” he said, opened his arms, extended them as though he was prepared to embrace the other man. Hinata couldn’t hide his face of disgust. “Now, Hinata, I’m gonna offer you an… unusual deal.” Hinata blinked, his words muffled by the cloth. Kuwata waved a hand to one of the men by his side, and he removed Hinata’s gag. “Tell me, Hinata, which one of you will take the punishment for not paying us back, and for breaking so many of our rules?” Kageyama flinched as though punched, and Hinata paled. He shook his head.
“I-I can’t-”
“If you don’t decide, both of you will die.” Hinata took a sharp intake of breath, looked down. He bit his lip, and thought. He could decide on who of them would live. Who would die. It was all in his hands. He looked up, stared at Kageyama. His eyes showed nothing but sheer fear. To live in a world without Kageyama, or die?
“I w-” Hinata began, stopped himself.
“We don’t have all day, now.” Kuwata smiled, and Hinata looked over at Kageyama again.
“I-I want to live.”
Kuwata smiled at him, motioned to his people there, and they all moved. Kuwata himself and the woman walked over to Kageyama.
Two of the people in the room walked up to Hinata’s chair. He vaguely recognised one of them as Noboru Watanabe, a man he’d worked with once. They cut off the rope from around his wrists, and pulled him up from the chair by his collar.
The two pushed him forwards, stood on each their side of the small man and showed him to the door out of the room. Still alive, oh god he was still alive .
Hinata turned around, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. Apologise to Kageyama for choosing his own life? Apologise for letting the man, his once lover, die? It was futile, he knew it was. But instead of letting his apology, his grief over his own choice show, the sight that met him shocked him.
Two dark blue eyes, full of hatred, despair, loathing, fear , stared back. Hinata could have sworn he saw an angry tear run down his cheek. Kageyama opened his mouth to say something, but not a word left his mouth. Everything was frozen in the fear that ran through his entire body. A fear of death he didn’t want . He was just too young .
And then Kuwata stabbed a knife into Kageyama’s throat.