Chapter Text
19 Ors, Year 609
“Don’t you have enough perfectly fine outfits at home?” I asked my mom as she browsed the dresses on the rack at our local boutique.
“I’ve already worn them in public,” she responded. “It’s considered highly taboo to wear the same outfit twice, and I have a reputation to uphold.”
I don’t know where she got that idea. Some of her friends wore the same outfit to work all the time. But she apparently thought she had to wear a new outfit every day or she’d look poor. What a stupid notion. If I had dresses like hers, I’d wear them all the time. You’d never catch me wearing something like this only once and then putting it back in the closet forever, I thought as I ran my hands through a particularly pretty dress on the rack. It was rather plain, just a cobalt top with a midnight blue skirt, but as soon as I saw it, I was in love. It would be amazing to wear this dress, or really any kind of dress. As long as it got people to stop calling me “sir” in public.
My fantasy was ruined when Mom turned around and saw me holding the dress. “What do you think you’re doing?”
I quickly put it back on the rack, letting the fabric settle back into place. “I wasn’t-- I didn’t--”
Mom didn’t listen. “Do you have any idea what it would do to my reputation if people saw my son wearing a dress?! No, I won’t have it. Let’s find you a suit and leave before anyone sees us. This is humiliating enough already.”
I bit my lip but said nothing. When was Mom going to stop caring about her reputation long enough to respect me as her daughter?
I did my best to tune out my entire suit-fitting process. But I couldn’t get over everyone’s comments about me being a “fine young man.” As far as I was concerned, the sooner we got back home, the better. All I wanted to do was go into my room and stay there for the rest of the night.
As soon as we got home, I went straight into my room, shut the door, and changed into the least boyish outfit in my closet. I couldn’t stand to have that suit on my person for one second longer.
And then someone knocked on the front door.
“Ozela, are you ready to go?” called the voice of one of my mother’s friends from work.
“Coming!” she chirped happily. She called up to me, “[Deadname], time to go!”
“Go where?” I asked, forgetting that I’d sworn never to answer to that name again.
“The Ministry benefit, of course! What did you think we were buying you a new suit for?”
My stomach clenched. A Ministry benefit was the last place I wanted to be tonight. But I knew that if I didn’t come downstairs soon, Mom was just going to yell my deadname at me again. I begrudgingly put the suit back on and came down the stairs.
The family friend looked too happy to see me. “Well, look at you. Aren’t you a fine young man?”
Nope. Fuck this. I couldn’t do this. I ran back up the stairs to my room and slammed the door.
Mom knocked on the door. “What’s the matter with you? We’re going to be late!”
“I’m not going!” I shouted back. I knew that if I went to that benefit, people would just keep calling me a fine young man until I was too upset to function. I just wanted to feel not-miserable for once. Was that really so much to ask for?
I was prepared for a firestorm of verbal abuse, but Mom just sighed and said, “Fine. Stay home.” She walked back down the stairs.
Even after the front door closed, I still didn’t feel ready to leave my room. I took off the suit, shoved it into the deepest recesses of my closet, and changed back into my least boyish outfit. As soon as I was no longer wearing the suit, I felt better again. But something was still missing. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to figure out what it was.
Then it hit me. I’d been growing my hair out for months, despite my mom’s insistence that I needed to get it cut. It should be long enough to put back into a ponytail. Upon gathering enough courage to leave my room, I went to my mom’s room and stole a hairband from her bathroom drawer. Looking intently in the mirror, I gathered my hair in both hands and wrapped the hairband around it.
I turned my head to both sides to admire my handiwork. Yes, that was much better.
Something tapped against the window. I opened it to try and see what had made the noise.
Your mom won’t be gone for long, a voice said. You should leave.
Who said that? I looked around but saw no one.
Get packed and follow me, said the voice. You’ll be safe once you’re out of town.
Something about that voice made it sound so trustworthy. Before long, I found myself back in my room, packing a suitcase and a backpack with essentials. I didn’t even think about the implications of what I was doing. In my mind, I had to get out of this house before my mother came back or I’d be stuck here forever. As I stepped out the door, I looked around nervously to make sure my mother wasn’t already coming back. Instead, I saw a lantern spirit hopping toward me. Something told me to approach it. As I drew close, it turned around and started hopping away. I followed it, determined not to let it out of my sight. People on the street asked me where I was going, but I paid them no mind. There were but distractions, and if I stopped to answer them I would lose my guide. It hopped far beyond the city limits and into the great fields, but I kept following. The farther we went into the fields, the safer I felt. There were no people out here to try and stop me.
The noise of the city was but a faint whisper in the distance. There was almost no light at all out in the fields. In fact, the only light I could see belonged to the lantern spirit. I had no idea where we were going, but I somehow knew that I couldn’t let it get too far away or I’d surely be lost out here.
Then it stopped moving. I quickly turned around to see how far I’d gone. The lights of the city were barely visible now, and they seemed as far away as the stars in the sky. There were no noises except the rush of the wind through the grass and the lantern spirit hopping in place.
I turned back around to find that we were standing in front of a door. We are here, said the voice.
Was it the lantern spirit speaking?
I couldn’t see what kind of structure the door was attached to. Maybe it was just a door, and it wasn’t attached to anything. For a brief moment, I thought I had been tricked. But I quickly shoved that thought aside and opened the door. Inside, I thought I saw the setup for a kitchen and a living room. So it wasn’t just a random detached door after all.
I walked through the doorway, paying no mind to what exactly I was entering. Someone else might have assumed it was a trap, but I didn’t care. As long as I had somewhere to lie down in peace without someone barking at me to get dressed in clothes I didn’t like, it could be a trap and I’d be fine with it.
All of a sudden, I felt very tired. My bags were too heavy to carry anymore, so I set them down and kept walking. In front of me, a large armchair sat by a warm, crackling fire. It looked so cozy and inviting, like it was placed there specifically for me. I sank down into the armchair and allowed my eyes to close.
Once I had my energy back, I’d keep moving. This place probably belonged to someone, and it wouldn’t be polite to impose on them…