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“Good morning, my little gooseberry!” I open my eyes, and see Dad, standing beside my bed. I flash him a bright smile, and climb out of my soft ocean-blue blanket. I had always been a morning person, to my mother’s annoyance.
Speaking of mom, she’s perched on a wooden stool nearby, holding her usual warm cup of blep tea. “Hey, Geranium. Are you taking them to the party?” she says, turning to face my dad.
I look at her, puzzled. “What are we celebrating for?” She sees my questioning face and laughs. “You saved the whole colony out there, Sol! I’m not a big fan of celebrations, but even I think you’ve earned this one.”
Of course! Last glow season, the colony was attacked by a ginormous, faceless monster. The soldiers and I managed to save the colony from being shattered to dust.
“And also, it’s your birthday!” Dad adds, handing me a small brown box. I thank them earnestly and gently tear off the bow.
My eyes light up when I see the shining gold medallion sitting in its container. My old one had broken during the fight against the Xenos. It always made everything seem better, easier.
“Your dad’s really proud of this one.” My mom says, grinning. Etched in the center is an image of the wormhole. “To represent Vertumna”.
I look back up at them, practically bursting with joy as I slip on my new accessory. New metal is usually cold to the touch, but it has some sort of unmistakable warmth to it. That shows how much love my parents used on it.
“Let’s get moving, then. I heard from your uncle Tonin that Tammy’s already made you a cake!” Mom claps me on the back hard. “Oww..” I remark, even though her touch comforts me more than it hurts.
With my family in tow, I open the door, suddenly getting blasted by sunlight…
And jolt awake in bed. Well, if you could even call it a bed. It’s more accurately described as a hole in the wall with a rag for a blanket. I sigh and curl back up. It’s way too early, and everyone else is still asleep.
I stare out into the wall, attempting to fall asleep once more. After a few minutes, I give up and pull myself off the floor, taking the blanket with me.
Even with the blackness of night darkening the cloudless sky, Engineering still feels so crowded. Parents cradle their children while crying openly themselves, soldiers lie awake, staring out the small cracks in the wood blocking out the light from the windows - as if the world needed to be any darker. The colony’s been in shambles since the last Xeno attack - no, it’s been in a state for a while. The attack was just the last straw. As I head for the door, the other colonists shoot me sympathetic looks. I shoot them a trained smile back. At least it’s sort of comforting to know I’m not alone in my grief.
I take a few steps outside, taking shaky breaths as I trudge along the path. The acid snow seems infinitely heavier today, like the world is telling me to just give up already.
I take hold of a vine and carefully swing myself up on the only building that wasn’t smashed dead by faceless beasts, and take a seat on the rooftop. I unconsciously fiddle with my broken medallion that my parents made for me all those years ago. That time feels so far away. We were just kids then, exploring a new planet, having fun, just being happy. Xenofauna attacks were unheard of, and people dying every other week even more so.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back to that time, I could take it all in again, but then I remember I’d have to watch all those people suffer and die again.
That’s selfish, isn’t it? Mom and Dad wouldn’t have wanted that. Despite their worries, it always made them proud when I tried to be a hero. I’m sure if the world just gave me another chance, then I would’ve been able to save everyone.
But with my future sight, I could have saved them all… I could’ve fixed everything!
That’s the thing I just don’t get about me. I know I was blessed with incredible powers. I know how to access them. I just can’t get them to do anything useful. The only thing I've ever wanted is for everyone to be happy. They need to be. They're all such strong, capable, amazing people, and it... really hurts knowing that I could've saved them from all this stuff.
Why does everything keep going wrong? Why do we keep failing?!
Why...
...why do I keep failing?
...
I lie back down on the roof of Engineering. There's not a single star in sight, nothing like how it used to be. Nothing is how it used to be, and it makes me feel awful.
But I have to keep going, right? Even if my family’s gone, I still have friends I need to protect. No one wants to watch one more person fall into a spiral of grief and self-loathing.
I sit up, letting the rag-blanket fall off my shoulders, which made the lack of my parents’ steady hands on my shoulders feel even more apparent. As I pull the blanket back on, the first faint rays of sun begin to stretch over the ruined colony. Even though I saw them yesterday, and last Monday, and the day before that, I still feel the urge to cry every time I see the flattened domes that once belonged to Geoponics, especially among the wilted shrubs that used to fill mom’s personal garden.
I find myself just staring at it for hours.
After a while, I hear a gentle voice calling from down below. “Sol, your breakfast is ready. Do you need me to help you down?”
I quickly snap back to reality and see Cal worriedly staring up at me, holding a tray of soy rations- with a few pieces of extra sugar sprinkled delicately on top.
I give him a weak, but genuine smile and climb down Engineering. “Is this… extra sugar?”
“Shhhh.” Cal lowers his voice, but not without cracking a smile of his own. “Happy birthday, Sol.”
I take a deep breath, wrap him in as warm a hug as I can give, and offer to share the soy-sweets with him. His smile is so sincere and precious- I can only hope I’m at least strong enough to protect that.
Soon, it’s time to head back inside to continue working on the colony walls, and pray our lives don’t get crushed again this year. I steady my footsteps, and brace myself for the day ahead.