Archive of Our Own ^beta

It all starts with Choi Soobin. Of course, it does. 

If Beomgyu were to be honest with himself, it began before that, way before that. But he’s not, and blaming it all on Soobin makes it much, much easier. 

The park is mostly empty, except for two men engaged in a heated match of basketball and three others hiding under the shade of a huge tree. Of course, it would, seeing as only these five foolish men were dumb enough to visit the park at two in the afternoon. 

Beomgyu stares at the floor — if he squints hard enough, he can see the squiggly heatwave lines near the ground, but the reflected glare from the sun is starting to hurt his eyes. Sweat is beading at his hairline, dripping uncomfortably past his temples and down his neck. Some part of him regrets growing his hair out. He can feel wet strands sticking uncomfortably to his nape, and the sensation of it all is starting to get a little too much.

Beside him, Soobin seems to be rummaging through his bag. Beomgyu can feel the panic radiating off the man next to him, but he ignores Soobin, unable to find it in himself to care. He’s got enough demons (the heat) to battle as it is. He holds his iced beverage—his lifeline—to his chest, taking small sips to save himself from an impending heat stroke. On his other side, Kai is completely still, eyes closed. Maybe that’s his method of staying cool: hibernation. Beomgyu wouldn’t know, not having touched his science textbook since high school. Taehyun’s the only STEM major out of them all.

Beomgyu sighs, pushing his fringe out of his face, cringing when his palms return wet. Couldn’t they have picked a better time to hang out at the park? The tree does a good job of hiding them away from the direct rays of the sun, but without any breeze or wind coming their way, the raw heat still feels enough to kill them.

“Oh,” Soobin mumbles softly beside him, going completely still. In the eight years of knowing him, and eight years as self-proclaimed best friends slash soulmates, Beomgyu recognises that tone. And it’s Soobin’s ‘oh I fucked up’ tone. That’s not a good sign. 

“What did you do now?” Beomgyu groans, lolling his head to the side to glare at Soobin. A sense of dread fills him when he sees Soobin staring at his bag with a blank look. He’s not in the mood for an emergency — not when it’s so fucking hot out here, his brain has long melted out of his ears and they do not have enough brain power combined to deal with an emergency. 

Kai sits up next to him, like a zombie rising from the dead. “What’s wrong?” 

Under both their stares, Soobin shrinks back, an offended look rising to his face. 

“I didn’t do anything!” He yells defensively on instinct. He deflates a second later, shoulders sagging as his eyes drop to his bag, “…I lost my keychain.” 

Beomgyu eyes the spot where a tiny chibi usually hangs but is now empty. 

“The keychain?” 

“Yeah,” Soobin confirms sadly. If he had dog ears they would be drooping, his head-addled brain thinks. His best friend is like… this big sad dog. “It… it was a gift… from… someone.”

His secret someone special . Well, it's not so secret if everyone knows who it is. Even if he hadn’t accidentally walked past Yeonjun while he was browsing the internet stores for the (currently missing) keychain, everyone with a pair of eyes could see the thing those two have going on. He doesn’t understand why they both insist on pretending their feelings don’t exist to everyone including themselves. 

“That’s not even your favourite character.” Beomgyu points out. Yeonjun really should have consulted him before making that purchase. Because then he would have known that Soobin prefers Yamaguchi before Kageyama, and Haikyuu isn’t even his favourite anime. But that’s beside the point. 

“Still, it’s cute.” Then again, Soobin would love anything Yeonjun gives him, he supposes. He would treasure even a piece of gum wrapper if it came from Yeonjun himself. Beomgyu doesn’t know if he wants to yell, strangle his best friend, or ruffle his hair. You’re so foolishly in love, you know that? He wishes he could say, but instead, he sighs and waves in the vague direction of the park. “Go look for it then.” 

Choi Soobin gives him sad puppy eyes, “Go with me.”

Oh no, he’s not stepping into the sun’s death rays. “No.” 

Soobin whines in protest, “It will take too long to look for it myself!” 

Beomgyu whines even louder, “But it’s so fucking hot!” 

“Soobin hyung, when was the last time you remember seeing it?” Kai asks, getting on his feet. Beomgyu gasps dramatically in betrayal, hands fighting the itch to throttle the man. 

Soobin makes a delighted noise, pitching forward to hug Kai. “Ahhhh, my Hueningie! Of course, you’re the best.” 

He grabs Beomgyu by his underarms and hoists him to his feet. “Get up! Get up! I last saw it when we first stepped foot into the park.” 

That’s not very helpful. He turns to Soobin to say as much, but his thoughts are derailed when he sees Kai stripping off his jacket next to him. Beomgyu stares at him aghast, absolutely disgusted he’s been sitting under the sun all these while with two layers on. 

“You were wearing two layers this whole time? Are you crazy? You’re going to give yourself a heat stroke at this rate.” Beomgyu can’t help but nag. 

Kai has the cheek to giggle, “You sound like my mother.”

“Well, I empathise with your mother!” Beomgyu huffs.

Kai fixes him with a shit-eating grin, “But in our family tree you’re not the mother, Soobin is. And Yeonjun is our dad.” 

From behind him, Soobin chokes. Beomgyu has to battle fifty internal demons and himself to keep his face and voice level, “Oh, is it? You’re right. They do act like a married couple. Naggy like our parents.”

“Yeah, and we’re their kids, starting with Taehyun as the oldest—”

“Okay! Uhm—” Soobin cuts Kai off. He does the thing where he’s flustered but trying his best to hide it, hands failing by his sides and eventually clasping together awkwardly. Even tinted sunscreen can’t hide the red on his cheeks. “—you guys are not my kids and I can’t get pregnant. Now, let’s go.”

Yeonjun would defy biology to get you pregnant. Beomgyu thinks, but can’t say that aloud. They both nod, and Kai motions for Soobin to lead the way. 

Looking for a tiny piece of acrylic dropped somewhere in a large field of grass is like looking for a needle in a haystack, almost quite literally. Between that and tall blades of grass, Beomgyu’s not sure if he can spot it even if it's right by his feet. It’s hard to see when everything including the grass is disgustingly bright, thanks to the reflected rays of the sun. 

“You find anything Soob?” Beomgyu calls out fifteen minutes into the search. He straightens, feeling the satisfying crack of his spine. 

“No…” Soobin still has his eyes on the ground, looking for his precious little keychain. 

Kai looks at Beomgyu and shakes his head; he couldn’t find it either. 

“You know…” Beomgyu says carefully, “Why don’t you just tell your someone you lost your keychain? Maybe use it as an excuse to hang out together and I don’t know… buy a new one together?” 

“It’s a gift. Buying a new one isn’t the same as the original.” Soobin’s got a point, but still. It’s a keychain, it’s Yeonjun hyung. Yeonjun wouldn’t care if Soobin lost the keychain or not, especially after seeing how much Soobin is beating himself up over losing it. If shopping for a new one together gets them to kiss by the end of the day and admit their feelings, why not?

“Maybe we could get drinks first and try again when it isn’t as hot? My eyes are starting to hurt.” Kai suggests, and Beomgyu feels like he could kiss him. 

“Yeah, let’s try again with the help of the other two later.” Soobin looks stricken by the idea of getting Yeonjun to look for the keychain he bought, but his refusal to be honest is his own undoing, and he reluctantly agrees. 

They decided to get five bottles, one for each of them. Beomgyu groans in relief when he reaches into the machine and his hand comes into contact with an ice-cold bottle. It’s nearly three but the sun remains unrelenting, and the clouds have seemingly decided to take a day off. Soobin, who has all five bottles in his arms, scurries off into the shade, his long legs taking him way ahead of them. Beomgyu decides to take his time, body lethargic from the heat, with Kai trailing beside him. 

It’s so hot. He’s glad they managed to solve the issue, if solving meant convincing Soobin to look for the keychain with his special someone later or even better get them to go on a date and buy new ones together. Soobin should be more grateful that Beomgyu’s a visionary wingman instead of pouting and looking like someone shoved a lemon into his mouth. 

He turns to tell Kai as much, but a shout cuts him off. 

“Shit!” 

The ball is already mid-trajectory by the time Beomgyu turns towards the voice, heading straight for his face. He gasps and flinches away, eyes scrunched shut, bracing himself for impact. It’s okay. A bruised cheek is always better than a broken nose. Just last year, Soobin was hit in the face by one too. Beomgyu almost regrets giving him shit for it and calling him Rudolph for half a year while the poor guy nursed a swollen red nose. Soobin would be delighted to serve him a taste of his own medicine once he finds out. Perhaps this is karma for making fun of Soobin earlier. Ah, whatever. He’ll take it. He’s got strong bones. He can take it.

The ball doesn’t come. Instead, he’s being yanked around by his shoulders and his face is smushed into fabric before he hears the painful smack of a basketball coming into contact with flesh. For some reason, pain doesn’t follow.

Pain doesn't follow. It wasn’t him that was hit then, was it?” 

Beomgyu’s eyes shoot open, and Kai’s neck comes into view, scattered with moles he’s only briefly noticed from afar, not up close. 

“Kai…” Beomgyu gasps, his voice trailing off. Somewhere in the distance, he can hear frantic yelling, but his ears feel as if they were stuffed with cotton, and time has slowed down. What is this? The younger is warm where he is pressed completely flush against Beomgyu’s front. Under the sweltering heat, Kai’s palm between his shoulder blades burns, but not unpleasantly so. And from where his face is pressed close to Kai’s neck, Beomgyu can smell perfume and the faintest hint of sweat. It should be disgusting, but he finds that he doesn’t mind. This is nice, Beomgyu realizes. It’s nice being pressed so close to Kai. It’s nice being held by Kai. Kai smells really nice. It’s safe. Beomgyu likes it. He likes it? Wait, what the fuck?

Beomgyu is violently brought back to the present when he’s ripped from Kai’s embrace by none other than Choi Yeonjun. Briefly, Beomgyu feels a hint of disappointment but stamps it out as quickly as it came. Yeonjun is clearly flustered, eyes darting between them both as apologies spill from his lips.

“I’m sorry! I misjudged and I threw it a little too hard— I completely missed and it bounced off the fence and I didn’t expect it to go your way—”

Beomgyu cuts him off, “I’m fine. Kai— he—” 

“I stopped the ball. We’re both okay.” The youngest finishes him off. Beside Yeonjun, Taehyun observes, large round eyes brimming with concern. Soobin, who’s a little further away, is panting by the time he reaches them. He’s immediately by Kai’s side, snatching up the hand that stopped the ball. 

“I’m fine hyung. See?” Kai cuts in before Soobin can start freaking out. He clenches and unclenches his fist, “I’m okay. Nothing broken.” 

That successfully stops Soobin from going into his alarmed mother-hen mode, tension seeping from his shoulders.

“Should have let him break his nose like I did last time. You robbed me of a chance at calling him Rudolph,” Soobin laments, switching back into annoying bestie mode, but he’s got one hand rubbing up and down Beomgyu’s back soothingly, attempting to calm his nerves. 

Beomgyu presses a palm to his chest. His heart is racing for some reason and he feels kind of breathless, “Do you mind if I go and uh—” he jabs an awkward thumb behind him, “sit down?”

Yeonjun blinks, then nods. “Yeah! Yeah… of course. Sorry Beoms.” He turns to Soobin, “would you like to join us?”

“Uh hyung, I’ll be taking a break for a bit.” Taehyun calls out, already nudging them both in the direction of the shade. 

“Thanks for stopping the ball.” Beomgyu says the moment they get back under the shade, “Is your hand okay?” Kai plops himself next to Beomgyu, stretching his legs out. Beomgyu hates that he’s now hyper aware of how their sides are touching. Since when did he care about these things? 

“It’s fine.” Kai flips his hands around, and Beomgyu’s heart falls when he sees them all red. 

“No it isn’t… that must have hurt,” he takes Kai’s hands in his, thumbing over the reddened skin. The sound of the impact had been pretty loud in his memory.

“It’s bearable. Better than you breaking your nose right?” says Kai, ever the sweetest. He’s not sure if the rest would be willing to sacrifice their palms for his nose. They’re more likely to worry only after he gets hit.

“Not if you jammed your finger.”

“Nah,” Kai shakes his head, giving him a little smile, “I caught the ball perfectly didn’t I?” 

“I don’t know, I—“ I had my face pressed to your chest. “—couldn’t see anything happen earlier.” His heart picks up speed again at the reminder of earlier events. 

“Don’t worry,” Kai squeezes his hand, “The ball wasn’t coming that fast. I don’t think Yeonjun hyung threw it with much strength.”

Beomgyu looks at their joint hands. Kai’s hands look large, compared to his, even though they’re roughly the same size. They’re pretty, his brain traitorously thinks, and his breath hitches, quickly looking away. His heart is still pounding in his chest — if anything it pounds even harder, constricting his airway and making it hard to breathe.

“Are you okay?” Kai leans forward to take a good look at him, other hand coming forward to rest on his knee. The contact makes him want to scream and run away. It’s so uncharacteristic of him it scares him. 

“I’m good, just— gotta let the adrenaline wear off and I’ll be fine.”

“If you say so.” Kai turns back to face the basketball court and Beomgyu discreetly takes in slow deep breaths to slow down his heart rate. He does what he does best—shove the thought far into the back of his mind, and turns his focus to other things, like the sound of Taehyun munching on his nuts, or the squirrel just a distance away also munching on its nut. Huh , they kinda look similar. 

With Taehyun refusing to be a third wheel, the three of them are forced to watch the oldest two dance around each other and flirt under the pretense of teaching Soobin basketball. Taehyun is smart — he’s got his eyes closed, either asleep or in plain refusal to watch the mating ritual before him. On the other side, Kai is preoccupied with stacking pebbles on top of each other. 

Bored, Beomgyu decides to watch Kai create his little stone piles. It loses its entertainment value within minutes, and Beomgyu’s eyes stray elsewhere. With the sun’s rays continuously beating down on them for the past few hours, even Kai has his sleeves rolled up to his shoulders and hair pushed off his forehead. This is the first time he’s seen Kai’s arms out in public, Beomgyu thinks distantly, his mind muddled by the heat. Kai’s aversion to anything without sleeves is something they’ve long accepted, so they no longer bat an eye when he walks out in a hoodie in summer. His arms are super pale, just like the rest of him from the general lack of exposure to the sun, with a couple of moles scattered around. His blonde hair, slicked back with sweat, adds a nice touch, and Kai looks really good like this. He should dress like this more often. Without much thought, Beomgyu wraps his hand around the younger’s biceps.

He gives it a squeeze.

Oh, wow. It’s hard. Beomgyu doesn’t know why he expects it to be fleshy when he’s aware Kai’s been hitting the gym with Taehyun for a while now. He didn’t think it would be that, you know, solid. Beomgyu absentmindedly traces the moles, feeling the smooth skin under his fingertips. He adjusts his grip and squeezes again, and his throat dries when his thumb and middle finger aren’t touching. Kai isn’t even flexing yet. 

The realisation that Kai might be a lot stronger than Beomgyu thinks he is hits him at full force, and his brain promptly shuts down. Kai has changed, he’s no longer the lanky noodle he once was. In fact, he probably hasn’t been for a while now, but Beomgyu was somehow blind to it all. He’s aware of Kai’s growth spurt, the way his face gradually lost baby fat and grew chiseled over the years. He’s handsome, duh, all five of them are (and he takes pride in that fact), but somehow it’s only hitting him now that Kai is no longer a kid but…

A man. 

He startles when he spots Kai looking at him quizzically out of the corner of his eyes. The younger looks confused, with a bit of concern and amusement sprinkled in, but doesn’t pull his arm away. Instead, he cocks his head, and asks with a twinge of cuteness injected into his voice, “What’s wrong?” 

Beomgyu clears his throat, swallowing the dryness away. He’s not properly equipped to handle the duality. His hands are still wrapped around Kai’s massive biceps.

It’s so hot out here. Why the fuck is it so hot? 

“Just— just comparing.” He quickly pulls up his sleeve and wraps his hand around his own. “We’re about the same. See?” 

No they are not. Beomgyu’s fingers are touching. His thumb and finger weren’t even close on Kai’s arm. 

Kai snorts, and shakes his head. “Yeah, hyung. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” 

The cheek from the younger is familiar, and it eases the tension within Beomgyu a little. He scowls, giving Kai a playful jab in his side. “The audacity, I’m older than you.” 

“By one year.” 

“One year and five months .” 

“That one year and five months wouldn’t mean shit if we weren’t in Korea,” Kai takes a handful of pebbles and deposits them in front of Beomgyu, “entertain me then, o great hyung. Your dear dongsaeng wants to play.” 

“Lame,” Beomgyu mumbles under his breath, but reaches over to ruffle Kai’s hair. The younger squeals, hiding his head under his hands. He smiles fondly, leans into Kai’s side and picks up a few pebbles.

He tries not to stare at Kai’s forearms the entire time they stacked pebbles. 

~

The memory of Kai’s body against his — the protectiveness of that gesture — haunts him the entire way home.

He tries not to think about it, but that’s the thing — the more you try not to think about something, you think about it. Being told not to think about a pink elephant immediately puts an image of one in the head.

Same goes for this. 

Kai has dozed off next to him in the subway, exhausted from the day’s events. He’s swaying a little, leaning into Beomgyu’s personal space. His hand, which was limp in his lap, has slid over onto Beomgyu’s thigh. It doesn't help at all with the memories of this afternoon, the feeling of Kai pressed to his side only further fueling Beomgyu's imagination. It plays over and over like a movie in his head—the ball coming at him in slow motion before Kai grabs him by the shoulder and Beomgyu stumbles into his chest. With his hands trapped between their bodies (were they? Beomgyu can’t even remember), he’s helpless to resist, his cheek pressed against the hard plane of Kai’s chest when he hears that loud smack. Everything had been so pleasantly warm, and the way Kai had held onto him so firmly brings yet another series of flutters to his chest. Beomgyu presses a hand against his sternum as if that could stop anything.

The train jerks and Kai lurches forward, but Beomgyu catches him and eases him back to his side, tucking his head gently on his shoulder. He doesn’t care that the old woman seated opposite him is giving them weird looks—there is nothing wrong with making sure your friend doesn’t crack his skull open on the floor of the subway while asleep—but the implication of it, one that never bothered him in the past, makes him feel hot all over.

She thinks they’re together, doesn’t she? That they’re dating, boyfriends, a couple. 

Beomgyu catches their reflection in the glass window behind them. It does look a bit awkward. Since Kai is much taller than him, his torso is folded to accommodate the height difference. His hand had coincidentally shifted onto Beomgyu’s lap earlier, but in the reflection, it looked as if Kai had been holding his thigh on purpose ( like what couples do, his brain traitorously thinks). He’s fast asleep on Beomgyu’s shoulder, pieces of hair falling onto his face. 

Just to fuck with the old lady, Beomgyu tells himself, he reaches over to tuck the fallen pieces of blonde hair behind Kai's ears. 

The old woman scowls, and turns away, muttering something under her breath. But Beomgyu hardly notices it, too distracted by the moles scattered across Kai’s face. There’s one by the corner of his mouth, one on his cheek, and one on the tip of his nose. There are also two moles right by the edge of his right brow. Beomgyu’s thumb smooths over them without much thought. 

He rips his thumb back like it’s been burnt, quickly shoving both hands in between his thighs. What is he doing? 

The announcement saves him from embarrassing himself further, announcing Beomgyu’s stop. He gently shakes Kai awake, “Kai, wake up. I’m getting off soon.” 

His heart seizes when Kai smiles sleepily at him, and nuzzles his shoulder unconsciously before sitting upright. Kai rubs his eyes, giving him a little wave, “Okay, get home safe.”

What the fuck. Beomgyu all but flies out of the subway the moment the doors open. 

The moment Beomgyu gets home, he heads straight for the shower, stripping himself in record time and letting the water rain on his skull and wash his thoughts away. 

It doesn’t work. 

The image of Kai in his white t-shirt, sleeves rolled up pops into his head. It was a baggy shirt, but it did nothing to hide the slope of his chest and the broadness of his shoulders. His hand tingles in memory of Kai’s biceps, and how it felt underneath his touch. More than it being solid, it felt strong. Packed full of muscles that weren’t just for show. Kai could probably break his neck by squeezing it between his biceps and forearms if he tried. And then there’s Kai’s fingers, the piano hands. The sight of them fiddling with pebbles was hypnotising. Beomgyu wonders how they would look wrapped around his—

He cranks the temperature to cold before he can finish that thought, and punishes himself by standing underneath the biting cold water for several minutes. 

It continues to haunt him while he fixes himself a quick dinner. The moment he loses focus and his mind begins to wander, he thinks about Kai hugging him from behind while he cooks, the feeling of Kai’s arm around his middle. Would Kai be the kind to hook his chin over his shoulder? Or would Kai prefer to rest his cheek on the top of his head? Kai’s tall enough to do that right? He looks like he could be—

Ah. Beomgyu slams the spatula down and yells in frustration. 

Kai doesn’t leave his mind either when he crawls into bed that night, after five intensive hours of gaming. He’d worked himself into exhaustion, determined to pass right out the moment his head hit the pillow. However, when Beomgyu lies down and Kai pops into his head like he never left, he knows he’s fucked. 

What is wrong with him?

It must be the freak accident. Getting hit by a basketball is scary, and adrenaline levels were high. Kai saved him from a Scary Situation, and his body must have mistaken the adrenaline for attraction. 

It must be, there’s no other explanation for this.

An image of Kai pinning him against the tree kabedon style pops into his head and Beomgyu cries yet again, flopping over and burying his face into his pillow. Maybe he should smother himself to death. 

The only way he falls asleep that night is by screaming himself hoarse into the pillow until his throat gives up and he’s completely exhausted from punching the living daylights out of his poor mattress.

Even in his dreams, Kai visits him.

~

Needless to say, Beomgyu did not sleep well.

“Morning! You look like shit.” Kai greets him the moment he steps into work. His stomach swoops (in disappointment, thank you very much) when he catches sight of the younger, and rolls his eyes, brushing past Kai into the back rooms. 

“Good morning to you too Kai.” After all that last night, the last person he wants to see is the person responsible for it all. Kai follows in after him, leaning against the lockers as Beomgyu opens his, chucking his bag in with much less care than he should be giving that pair of headphones in his canvas tote bag. He’s tired and cranky after a night of thinking about his friend’s chest, sue him. Said reason for his misery remains oblivious, chattering away about god knows what as Beomgyu empties his pockets and tugs his hoodie off. He’s not hearing a single word Kai is saying when it’s taking his all to not focus on Kai’s perfume. 

The younger doesn’t move when Beomgyu moves to grab the hem of his shirt. Noticing the other pause, Kai raises a brow. “What?”

Right, they’ve always changed in front of each other. There is no reason for Beomgyu to require privacy now.

It’s just that with Kai leaning against the locker next to his, their height difference becomes a lot more apparent. Kai is just… towering over him. He looks so unfairly pretty at eight in the morning it’s like Adonis himself is leaning against his locker. With his arms crossed, their work uniform is stretched sinfully around his arms and shoulders, and Beomgyu doesn’t even need to look down to know that his tits are staring right at him. Funny how they’ve been working together for over a year, but he’s only noticing every minute detail now. It’s overwhelming, Beomgyu wants to shamelessly stare back, but he also feels the uncharacteristic urge to shy away. 

“Nothing. You’re just awfully cheerful today. You’re talking a lot in the morning.” Beomgyu tamps down the urge to hide and quickly tugs his shirt off, buttoning on the white shirt at record speed. It doesn’t fit him the way it fits Kai perfectly. Fucking hell. He stares into his locker as he wraps the apron around his waist, refusing to look at Kai. 

“It’s a good day. It’s sunny, the sourdough doughnuts next door have been brought back onto the menu and we’re scheduled together.” 

The younger rambles on, listing the “great things about today” while Beomgyu continues to struggle with his apron. Nothing seems to be cooperating with him today as he unravels the apron for the third time, with the first time being too tight and the second not snug enough.

He briefly registers Kai asking him something, but he doesn’t have any mental capacity to answer as he tries to tie his apron again. The frustration builds within him and Beomgyu really feels like kicking the locker and yelling fuck all before the strings are taken from his grasp and his frustration immediately simmers, replaced by surprise. 

“I’ll help you.” 

Beomgyu lets his arms hang awkwardly by his sides while Kai ties them for him snugly, like the way he knows Beomgyu likes it. He wasn’t aware Kai knew the way he liked his apron tied. 

He lets the younger pin his name tag on as well and suppresses the urge to flinch when Kai circles his arms around his waist from behind and rubs his belly. Beomgyu and Kai in the kitchen. Kai hugging him from the back while he cooks. 

“What’s wroooonngg Beommie hyung?” Kai coos, hanging off him and refusing to let go of his stomach even as Beomgyu shuts his locker and moves towards the door. He’s glad Kai is behind him and can’t see his face right now. 

“Nothing.” Beomgyu swallows, dragging Kai along to the workstation. He’s supposed to be on cashier duty today, but when you work in a quiet bookstore with just one other part-timer and a manager, the lines get blurred. 

“Mmm.” Kai hums like he doesn’t exactly believe Beomgyu’s lie, but doesn’t press any further. He remains where he is, head tucked against Beomgyu’s shoulder, his ginormous hand rubbing soothing circles into Beomgyu’s stomach. 

So he’s the kind who would rest his chin on your shoulder. 

Beomgyu resists the urge to throw himself out of the window.

Work helps to distract Beomgyu, and he more or less gets better by noon, no longer displaying weird physiological reactions to Kai. It fills him with relief. That’s right, he’ll just have to let it go and shake it off. 

“I’m bored.” Kai moans, unprofessionally slumped over the counter. Beomgyu eyes him. He’s lucky their manager isn’t on the floor with them right now. 

“Okay, bored.” Beomgyu’s not. Beomgyu’s having the time of his life deciphering Soobin’s cryptic tweets. Something must have gone down between the two loverbirds within the last twenty-four hours.

Kai kicks him under the counter and Beomgyu knees him back.

“Entertain me.” 

A message from Taehyun pops up, a screenshot of Yeonjun’s Instagram story. Beomgyu cackles and immediately heads to Instagram to see it for himself. 

“What’s so funny?” Kai scooches over, hooking his chin over Beomgyu’s shoulder. Beomgyu nearly drops his phone. Has Kai always been this touchy?

“Soobin’s tweeting cryptic shit and Yeonjun’s all emo over IG.” 

“And the two of you are analysing it?” Kai says when another message from Taehyun pops up. “You guys are so mean.” 

“Shut up, you’re equally nosy aren’t you.” 

Kai laughs and knocks their head gently together. They’re so close. He can smell the same perfume that haunted him all night. Beomgyu wills himself to stay calm. Think of your progress. “You know me.”

“What do you think happened? Taehyun thinks it’s dinner.” Beomgyu asks. 

Dinner refers to last night when they bumped into Yeonjun’s ex at a pizza joint. Right in front of Soobin, the ex had said, “Didn’t think I would run into you here! You know, it’s so strange, to meet you here again. It used to be our place.” 

Ouch. Beomgyu wanted to punch the guy, but that would’ve gotten him charged with assault and given away Soobin’s crush. Kai and Taehyun hadn’t been happy about it either. It must have shown on all three of their faces because the ex leaves very quickly after that. 

“What about you?” 

“Me?” Beomgyu hums, “I’m thinking it’s probably just them. Nothing particularly happened, but after spending a good two hours flirting on the court all that endorphins are gonna lead to a crash, you know? Soobin doesn’t seem to be the type to be hung up over exes…”

Kai takes his phone and scrolls through the tweets. “I’m with Tyun on this one, sorry. I think it’s dinner too. It’s not so much the ex you know? But the reminder that he’s not special. Because I know they dine there a lot by themselves. And by that, I mean late-night suppers nearly every day. 

“No way,” Beomgyu gasps. “Wait, how did I not hear about this?”

“Lea told me about this. Her friend works there.” 

“Your sister’s friend knows about them?” 

Kai shrugs sheepishly, “I might have told her a few things.”

Before Beomgyu can grill the other for more details, the door behind them slams open and they both jerk upright, Beomgyu’s phone back in his apron pocket. He folds his hands politely in front of him, a picture-perfect example of a model employee. 

“Boys? I’m going to need you both to help me bring down last week’s shipment from the attic.” Their manager does not seem to notice them slacking off, the tiny woman hidden behind boxes twice her size. She pants, dropping the boxes on the ground. “I should have five boxes up there. Once they’re all out I need you guys to label them.” 

Beomgyu bites down a groan. He hates putting on price tags. It’s the most mundane task ever that leaves him feeling brain-dead after. He would rather be stationed by the booktok shelf than do this for the rest of his shift. 

Unfortunately, he’s bound by contract to do whatever his manager says. 

“Yes ma'am.” They answer with a salute, before heading towards the attic.

“Shit, it’s always dusty as hell here.” Kai coughs when he drops a box on the ground, shifting the necessary boxes out of the corner. Beomgyu doesn’t answer, not wanting to breathe in any more dust than necessary. 

They carry a box down at a time, too heavy and large for them to lift one by themselves down the stairs. The last box is much smaller, so Beomgyu offers to grab it while Kai waits for him by the bottom of the stairs.

“Careful.” The younger warns, brows furrowed while Beomgyu descends the flight of stairs. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” 

Immediately after the words leave his mouth, Beomgyu missteps. His centre of gravity shifts and Beomgyu finds himself tilting forward, gravity dragging him towards sweet, sweet death. 

Within twenty-four hours, Beomgyu once again finds himself in a near-death situation.

Kai is there to catch him before he can hit the floor, his skull knocking painfully into Kai’s as the younger tries to catch him. It hurts like absolute shit, but he supposes it’s better than the ground. Kai stumbles backwards with a loud groan, pulling Beomgyu with him, and thankfully Kai’s already off the stairs or else they both might have to clock off early to visit the ER. 

Beomgyu drops the box, uncaring of the books. He frantically pushes Kai’s bangs off his face, surveying for any signs of injury. “Kai! I’m sorry. You okay?” 

The younger blinks a few times, lashes fluttering. Beomgyu watches as Kai’s gaze refocuses on him, and his expression turns into one of immense relief. 

“Woah, caught you,” Kai says with a relieved smile.

And for the second time within twenty-four hours, Kai sends Beomgyu’s heart into an overdrive.

~

It seems to be a common occurrence now, this thing with Kai. Twenty-four hours stretches into forty-eight, seventy-two, a week, and then two. 

At work, Kai continuously flusters him with every little thing he does. Four days a week he’s subjected to eight hours of torture, eight hours of constantly being on edge lest his stupid mouth slips up. It’s as if he’s developed a Kai tunnel vision, a one-track mind that can only focus on one thing: Kai. 

At home, Kai continues to dominate his thoughts, filling Beomgyu’s brain with stupid little fantasies involving him. Beomgyu doesn’t fantasize, not since he was fifteen and Nick Wilde was introduced to the world. But here he is at twenty two picturing the two of them cuddling while having a movie night, wishing it was Kai seated in between his legs instead of the gigantic bear plushie he won at a carnival two years back. He pictures them cooking together, washing the dishes together, and going on grocery trips together. Beomgyu doesn’t know if he’s thankful or terrified that his fantasies aren’t sexual, but domestic. 

(He lies. It was just one time, after their manager wanted to try adding colour into their uniform, using Kai as her test subject. “Colour” meant a black button-up instead of white, and the sight had been so lethal that Beomgyu had to shut himself in the attic and regulate his breathing and heart rate for ten minutes. He then spent the next fifteen minutes convincing his manager why black clashed with the aesthetic and overall vibes of their bookstore. 

Whatever happened that night in the shower is between him and God.)

At night, he dreams of them together on dates. He dreams about Kai kissing him, sometimes sweetly, sometimes in the most toe-curling, stomach-churning, k-drama-esq manner that has Beomgyu waking up in cold sweat more often than not, heart threatening to beat right out of his chest. 

He’d be lying and a complete fool if he doesn’t admit that this is no longer due to the initial shock of nearly being killed by a basketball. He’d be a hypocrite if he doesn’t admit that he’s somewhat attracted to Kai, and there’s no other reason for his physiological responses and newfound obsession with all things Kai. His nose would be longer than the Nile if he says he doesn’t spend hours each day scrolling through Kai’s private account, looking through photos and videos of them together at work. Kai likes to document his life, and Beomgyu enjoys looking through their photos together over and over at home. 

Alas, he’s both a hypocrite and a very optimistic man. There must be an alternative reason as to why he’s been turning into a jittery blushy school girl around his very tall and handsome friend, right?

He’s absolutely right. 

Because here’s the thing, Beomgyu’s been thinking, and he made a list. He’s never used his brain this much in his entire life. Probably not since their college entrance exams. But at least he’s got a list, so hear him out. 

1. Kai isn’t the baby he was in high school anymore. He’s way taller and stronger than Beomgyu. If anything, he’s got a better chance at protecting Beomgyu than the other way around. Beomgyu was slow in recognizing this, therefore the shock of it all probably altered his brain chemistry.
2. It’s not Kai that flusters him. When Kai coddles up to him and whines for attention, when he clings to Beomgyu and asks to be fed, his heart does not threaten to pound out of his ribcage. Strangely enough, it’s the casual acts of service. Acts of service that imply point one. So in other words, Beomgyu’s only acting this way when Kai takes care of him. He’s going to need another two weeks to unpack that, but let’s leave it at that for now. 
3. It’s been two years since Beomgyu’s last relationship. It’s been two years since he last had his hand held, much less been hugged. Anyone in his situation would feel the same.

In conclusion? He’s touch starved. Romance starved. So when Kai swoops in like a shojo protagonist and saves him from a trip to the emergency room, his brain latches onto it and refuses to let go. Plus Kai has been very, very attractive lately. Beomgyu supposes that is also something he’s been blind to the whole time. Don’t get him wrong, Kai has always been attractive to him. All four of his friends are. He prides himself in being the male equivalent of a girl’s girl. 

But the broadness of his shoulders and the way he fills out a white t-shirt is new. The way his sinfully plump ass and thighs fill out his jeans is also new. The sharpness of his jaw, the slope of his sharp nose to the curve of his lower lip—they are all new. Kai’s lashes are not that long, but they fan out prettily anyway, casting a shadow on his cheekbones whenever he naps secretly at work. His eyebrows are always perfectly groomed and maintained, perks of having two sisters, Beomgyu supposes. Did you know Kai has five moles on his face? Beomgyu has never bothered counting before this. His favorite is probably the one on the tip of Kai’s nose, though the two by Kai’s eyebrow come in as a close second. He learns the name of the perfume Kai uses. The younger’s only got three in his rotation, mostly fruity and fresh. His favorite is when Kai turns up smelling like tangerines, and he has to resist the urge to bury his nose in Kai’s collar and just… sniff him.

And they just fit so… well together. He’s the perfect height for a hug. He learns that their hands fit perfectly together when Kai holds onto him that one day they were out at a huge artist’s market, and it was crowded. 

This is all Choi Soobin’s fault. If he hadn’t lost his keychain that day, if Beomgyu hadn’t walked into the trajectory of Yeonjun’s basketball, he wouldn’t be sitting here waxing poetic about Kai. 

When he finally gets over this, he owes Kai an apology. 

~

“Ooooh, you’re dressed nice today. Going out?” Kai says the moment he sees Beomgyu walk into the staff room. The praise has Beomgyu flushing, feeling pleased with himself, but he quickly reminds himself of why he’s even dressed this nicely to begin with.

“I’m going out on a date tonight.” 

That’s right. The sooner he gets himself a partner, the sooner he’d stop having weird thoughts of his friend. As soon as he had the list, he created a profile on Hinge. Getting matches weren’t hard. 

Kai stares at him, a mix of shock and something unreadable in his expression. He remains silent, just a tad bit longer than usual before he breaks out into a smile, “That’s great hyung. Who is it? Is it a guy or a girl?” 

That’s it? For a moment, Beomgyu feels disappointed by Kai’s reaction, but he stamps that thought out as quickly as it came. Why would he be disappointed? What is he expecting from Kai?

“A guy. Twenty-eight.” Beomgyu stuffs his bag into his locker, and starts getting changed. 

“Oh… that much older?” 

“Don’t know,” Beomgyu shrugs, “It’s my first time ever going out with a guy.” He doesn’t tell Kai that it’s the first person to ask him out, and that he’s not even sure if he’s attracted to the guy. It was a hasty decision made yesterday night. He was hungry, and the idea of free dinner sounded tempting, sue him.

“So you like older guys?” 

Beomgyu shuts his locker and puts on his apron. “Not sure, I’ve never given much thought about my type of men. I suppose it doesn’t matter.” And without much thought, he mumbles, “younger ones are fine too.”

“I think I like older guys, the youngest I’d go for is my own age.” Kai muses, stepping closer to help Beomgyu with his apron. Ever since that day, Kai has always done it for him. Tangerine fills his senses. 

“Oh yeah? What’s your max?” Beomgyu feels a little strange discussing this with Kai. They’ve never really talked about their love lives nor their taste in people. For some reason, hearing Kai talk about men has his heart beating faster than usual. 

“Three years older maybe?” Kai gives his apron a final tug, and Beomgyu takes it as a sign he’s done. He turns to grab his phone from the desk and makes his way out of the room.

“So like Yeonjun hyung?” Kai scrunches up his nose in disgust and Beomgyu laughs. 

He shudders, “His age, yes. Him? No. Never.” 

“Not your type then?” Beomgyu asks, curious. Yeonjun has always been the type for many people, men and women included.

“Nope,” Kai looks at him, “I like them a little cuter. Yeonjun hyung is too sexy.” 

The shift passes by with hardly any customers; most of the time they’re both huddled together watching a drama on Kai’s phone. For the first time in a long while, they part ways at the bookstore instead of the station. 

“Stay safe okay, and have fun.” Kai looks like he has more to say, but he doesn’t. He shoves his hands into his pockets and smiles, “Text me if you need anything, or holler in the group chat. Yeonjun hyung is pretty good at crying and faking an emergency.” 

The mental imagery of Yeonjun wailing and faking a breakdown makes him snort. The fact that he’s done it twice now, both for Taehyun, is sad and impressive. Beomgyu hopes he won’t be the reason for Yeonjun’s third time.

The date is nothing impressive. Beomgyu has to check his profile to get his name and face right a minute before meeting the guy, and he looks even more bland in real life than he does on the app. The conversation over dinner is horrible—the guy is lucky Beomgyu has a high tolerance for bullshit because sex is all the he can talk about, and if the food wasn’t delicious, Beomgyu would have left the moment the guy proclaimed himself a dominant person in bed. (Beomgyu doesn’t have the heart to tell him he’s not very dominant if he feels the need to declare it over dinner.)

The date ends early when the guy tries to hold Beomgyu’s hand while they take a walk after dinner, and all Beomgyu can feel is disgust and the need to rip his skin off. The guy tries to pull every shit in the book with him, including patting his head and ruffling his hair, and Beomgyu has to really try to not throw his dinner up on the guy’s shoes. 

Did he mention the guy wore slippers for their date?

Beomgyu whips out a hand sanitizer the moment the guy is out of sight, scrubbing his hand clean of the sensation. He sighs, and in the safety and quiet of the subway, he finally lets himself relax. Isn’t he touch starved? Anyone’s touch should have worked, not just a particular person. That had been the whole point of going on dating apps to look for someone, so that he would stop projecting his needs on Kai. Beomgyu finds himself thinking about Kai again. If Kai had been the one to hold his hand, interlace their fingers, and ruffle his hair, he wouldn’t have minded. Kai could ask for more and he wouldn’t mind at all…

Beomgyu’s hit with an urge to see Kai so suddenly it takes him aback. He just needs to, and if he doesn’t he might go insane. 

He pulls out his phone, hands shaky. It will be eleven by the time Beomgyu reaches the neighbourhood they both live in. It’s crazy, what he’s about to do. Before he can overthink it, he sends Kai a text.

are you free? 

Kai’s reply comes almost instantly. Beomgyu lets out a shaky breath. 

yes 

did something happen?

no i’m fine the date is over

but could we meet at the station just for a bit?

please 

Beomgyu doesn’t know what he’s doing or where he’s going with this. For once he’s acting entirely on impulse and instinct. 

of course

i’ll be there

see you in a bit ^^

Kai is waiting by the entrance when Beomgyu finally reaches the station. He breaks out into a run, the relief so immense it makes him want to sob. 

“Kai!” 

Kai looks equally relieved to see him. He’s got a hand on Beomgyu in an instant, his expression filled with worry, “are you really… okay?” 

It’s a simple question, but Beomgyu feels stumped. He thought he was earlier, but he’d be lying if he says he is right now. He feels icky and disgusting, the ghost of that man’s touch still lingering on his hands, arms and shoulder. It shouldn’t bother him this much, and yet it does, and it bothers him even more. He hates it.

”I’m fine, but… I would be lying too if I told you I am completely okay.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kai asks quietly. 

It would be good for him if he did, but there’s something he needs even more than that right now. He looks at the hand on his elbow, then at Kai. 

“Can I just hug you for a bit?” 

The younger doesn’t say much, just quietly opens his arms. That’s one thing he loves about Kai. He doesn’t ask too many questions, he’s just there. 

Beomgyu can’t help the noise that’s punched out of him at the first wrap of Kai’s arms around his middle. He should be more embarrassed, but the feeling is cathartic, and he can feel the lingering disgust and distress melt off his skin. Kai holds him, gentle yet firm, as if to remind him that he’s there and he’s present. Beomgyu presses even closer, clutching the back of Kai’s hoodie tightly between his fingers. Hugging Kai feels like sweet relief, safety and comfort. Hugging Kai feels like coming home to a warm fireplace after a day out in frigid winter. 

Beomgyu doesn’t care if they’re standing in the middle of nowhere with tons of people walking by them. He holds Kai close, buries his nose in his collar, and takes slow deep breaths. He smells like detergent and floral body wash. Beomgyu misses the tangerine on him.  

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you’re not ready.” Kai reassures him. Beomgyu can feel the vibrations in his chest from how close they’re pressed together. 

“No, it’s okay, it’s not really a big deal. I’m just feeling really disgusted and put off right now because the guy kept talking about sex and wouldn’t shut up, no matter how hard I tried to steer the conversation back.” He mumbles into the collar of Kai’s hoodie, “Like, I know I’m hot but don’t tell me to the face you want to sleep with me. Three times within the span of one hour, can you believe it?”

Kai makes a noise of disgust. It feels validating. 

“He held my hand too.”

“Without permission?” Kai sounds pained and alarmed.

“In his defence he did ask for consent, but I guess I didn’t know I didn’t want to when I gave him the green light.” 

Kai’s silent for a moment before he asks quietly, “Where did he touch you?” 

Beomgyu pulls away slightly from the hug. He hates how he immediately misses the warmth, and wishes he held on for a little longer, “my hand, my shoulders and my head.” He sighs, holding his palm out, “nothing too crazy. I guess I’ll forget about it in two days.” 

“You shouldn’t force yourself to forget it quickly because it’s nothing.” 

Beomgyu shrugs, “To be fair I’m just really disgusted, that’s all.”

“Do you want to hold mine?” Kai offers. 

“Huh?”

“Like, hold my hand… to forget about his.” Kai clarifies with an embarrassed cough, “W-whatever helps you forget of course. If you don’t want to that’s fine!”

It’s fine. Of course it’s totally fine. 

Beomgyu quickly grabs Kai’s hand and places it on his head before the younger can retract his offer. With his other hand, he slides his into Kai’s, interlacing their fingers. 

“Like this?” Kai asks, hesitantly petting the top of Beomgyu’s head before his hand slides back to cup his nape. Beomgyu nods, suppressing a shiver. 

“Yeah, bro thought he was a shojo protagonist, thought I was some anime girlie who would get all giddy at that kinda shit.” Beomgyu rubs his eyes, subtly touching his cheeks. They’re hot. “I mean I do… depending on who…”

“Just not him,” Kai murmurs.

“Definitely not him.”

Beomgyu remains stock still, letting Kai pet his head slowly, as if he isn’t hyper-aware of every touch, every contact point like his heart isn’t about to beat out of his chest at the sight of Kai’s fingers laced between his. When Kai moves his fringe to the side and tucks it behind his ears, he wants to tell Kai there’s no need to go that far. It’s too tender, too intimate for a man who only wanted to get into Beomgyu’s pants anyway.

“Feeling better?” Kai’s hand linger by his nape, playing with the shorter strands. At this point, he’s no longer doing what Beomgyu initially wanted him to do, unintentionally adding his own touches that are setting Beomgyu’s nerves alight. 

At this distance, he’s able to count every single lash, freckle and pore on Kai’s face. Beomgyu tries to think of a reply, anything, but his brain fizzles out when he’s suddenly possessed with the urge to reach out and map out the younger’s moles with his fingers, to card his hands through his hair, and to kiss him. His gaze moves from the younger’s mouth and he sees Kai frozen in place, lips parted slightly, eyes just a fraction wider. Fear washes over him, an excuse at the tip of his tongue, but when Kai swallows, throat bobbing, Beomgyu finally notices the pink colouring his cheeks.

Suddenly, he’s not so afraid anymore.

If Beomgyu leans forward right now, would Kai let him? He’s so overcome with want, it hurts, and he’s not too sure if his last remaining thread of self-control can hold on for any longer. It feels as if everything over the past month has accumulated to this moment, and this bad date is also a sign—

Ah, his date. The thought of it feels like a splash of cold water on his face.

He just had a bad date. He’s running on heightened emotions and making impulsive decisions. That’s not very fair. 

Beomgyu looks away and the moment is gone. He shoves his hands into his pocket and keeps his lips firmly sealed before he blurts something stupid out. Kai makes him stupid, if there’s anything he learnt in the past few weeks. 

“Thank you, I feel a lot better now.” Beomgyu won’t have a problem forgetting about this bad date, that’s for certain. 

“Will you— uhm— w-will you be okay on your own tonight? Or do you want to crash at mine?” Kai stutters, still a little breathless. As much as Beomgyu wants to, it’s a bad idea. There’s no telling what he might do when they’re left alone in Kai’s bedroom, while he hangs on to his very last shred of self-control. 

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine by myself.” Beomgyu tries not to sound too disappointed. He wishes rationality wasn’t a thing, but feelings… they’re not to be taken lightly.

“Thank you, for meeting up with me on such short notice.” For a moment Beomgyu considers giving in to a cheek kiss, but he thinks better of it. He settles for a hug instead.

“See you next week.”

“Yeah, next week.”

~

“You know… whatever you’ve got going on with Kai, you gotta resolve it soon.” 

This statement comes as a surprise on a random Tuesday afternoon. It catches Beomgyu off-guard, who just at the moment had taken a huge slurp of his milkshake. He chokes, nearly spitting out Oreo chunks as he desperately pounds his chest to unclog his windpipes. Soobin has the cheek to look disgusted and offended when he’s the one dropping such jaw-dropping information unannounced. 

“Huh?” 

“Your thing,” Soobin says, ambiguously circling his finger in the air. 

Beomgyu repeats slowly, eyes narrowed into slits, “Our thing…” That’s not a lot to work with. That could mean Soobin thinks they’re fighting, or the weird tension that currently exists between them thanks to the almost-kiss. Or even worse, Kai snitched, and Soobin knew about the kiss. Beomgyu really hopes it’s not that one because he will never hear the end of it from Soobin and Soobin would tell Yeonjun and probably also Taehyun and everyone would know they almost kissed. Somehow that thought terrifies him. “There is nothing between us. Get it? No thing .” 

Soobin shoots him a dirty look. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Yes,” Beomgyu says without missing a beat and he’s met with a tissue packet to his face for his cheek. “Ow! Bitch!”

“You’re the bitch.” Soobin sticks out his tongue childishly. “And please, anyone with two eyes can see the tension between you two. It’s painful and awkward to watch.” 

Beomgyu scoffs, lying through his teeth. “Please, there is no tension.” 

Soobin groans, exasperated. “ Come on. You look at him like you want to eat him and he looks at you like you hang the stars in the sky. You guys look at each other when you think the other isn’t looking and frankly, it’s getting very painful to watch. It’s getting so bad Taehyun has been clinging to either Yeonjun or I begging one of us to put a stop to this.” 

Beomgyu gasps, affronted, feeling betrayed. “Taehyun did what?”  He swallows, and plays with the condensation at the side of his cup. “There really isn’t anything,” he says, but even that sounds like a badly formulated lie to his ears. 

Soobin palms his face, as if sick of his bullshit. He sighs and takes a swig of his coke as if it’s soju. Beomgyu kinda wishes it is, knowing that Soobin wouldn’t be letting this conversation rest anytime soon. 

“Look, I wouldn’t be sitting here telling you to sort your shit out with him if I didn’t believe it would end well. Do I look like some sadist that takes pleasure in watching you get your heart broken?” He takes another swig of his coke, “Kai talks about you a lot you know, Taehyun told me.”

Beomgyu hates it, but his interest is piqued. “He did?” 

“Where do you think my confidence comes from?” Soobin pauses, considers his words for a bit, before he continues. “Just give it a thought okay? Though I already know you have the answer. You’re attracted to him, and that’s fine. But is it something purely sexual, or do you want something more than that? Because I know Kai doesn’t do casual relationships.” 

Beomgyu recoils at the last bit, “A relationship? Like dating? You want me to date him?” 

Soobin raises a brow, “How would I know? Do you?” 

Beomgyu stares down at his hands. A relationship with Kai… he’s never thought about the younger that way. He tries to picture them going out on dates, holding hands, doing couple stuff together. Daydreaming about it is very different from doing it in real life. A relationship means commitment, it means a whole lot more than skinship and dates. Would he want to date Kai? 

Beomgyu wrings his hands together nervously. “Hypotheticaly… Assuming I am attracted to him… How am I supposed to know then? That this is just beyond physical attraction? That I’m not just… you know,” Beomgyu gestures vaguely, “ thirsting .”

Soobin sniggers at his choice of words and Beomgyu kicks him under the bench. “I’m trying to be serious here!”

“What is this? Girl talk?” Soobin avoids another kick, “Alright chill, I’m sorry. Fine, do you find yourself thinking about him a lot?” 

Yes. But Beomgyu isn’t going to admit it out loud. He’s not ready for it yet. 

Soobin rests his chin on his palm and looks contemplatively at somewhere far away. “I mean, I knew I liked Yeonjun hyung when I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I always wanted to be near him, with him, and wanted his attention on me. I miss him when he isn’t here, and when I’m with him, I’m happy. It doesn't matter what we are doing, we could be running errands and I’m still happy to be spending time with him. He’s just constantly on my mind — I worry if he’s eating well, I worry if he’s sick, I also worry when he’s down or stressed.” 

Soobin turns his attention to Beomgyu, “Everyone likes someone differently. The way I like Yeonjun is different from the way you like Kai. Only you will know, Gyu. Give it some thought, alright? Please, so that all three of us can be spared.”

Beomgyu avoids his gaze, “There’s nothing to be spared from.” 

~

Two weeks after Beomgyu’s conversation with Soobin, Kai falls sick for the first time in the many years they’ve known each other. The only other time Kai has ever fallen sick is during his senior year, when Kai was still a junior. There was no message about it from Kai, Beomgyu only finds out when he shows up at work and it’s just him and their manager. 

“He’s sick,” His manager says, “He shot me a text at three in the morning about going to the hospital and that was the last time I’ve heard from him.” 

“The hospital?” Beomgyu exclaims, not expecting it to be that serious. Panic rises in his chest at the unexpected severity of Kai’s illness. “Kai… what?”

The woman, sensing his panic, pats him comfortingly on the shoulder. “It was three in the morning, do you think regular clinics would be open?” Right, they wouldn’t be. Beomgyu shakes his head.

“See? So going to the hospital doesn’t mean he’s severely ill, alright?” His manager smacks him on the back, “now get to work, you’ve got Kai to cover for today.”

What his manager said makes sense, but that doesn’t necessarily ease his worry. Kai is sick. He’s hardly ever sick. He’s survived a pandemic without catching the virus once. So what exactly got him sick? 

When his manager is out of sight, he quickly shoots Kai a text.

are you okay?????

i heard you went to the hospital 

where are you now?

Beomgyu spends the entire day listless, unable to focus much when all he can think about is Kai. What if he’s alone in the hospital? Should he give his sisters a call? Crap. He doesn’t have their number, but he does follow them on Instagram. Should he send them a DM?

Beomgyu worries. He worries and worries and worries. He finishes his tasks in record speed, and paces the floor when he’s got nothing left to do but worry. By noon, Kai has yet to reply him and Beomgyu feels like he might go insane.

im going to show up at your door after work if i dont get a reply by then

you’re scaring me kai jesus christ

At four thirty seven, just twenty ish minutes before he clocks off, Beomgyu’s phone lights up with a reply from Kai. It takes everything in Beomgyu to not snap at the customer to hurry the fuck up with the payment, barely holding it together to wish her a pleasant day before he snatches his phone and crouches behind the counter, opening the message up.

sorry T^T i forgot to tell you

i passed out the moment i got home from the hospital and just woke up

Beomgyu nearly cries in relief. 

what happened??

Kai’s reply comes instantly. 

it’s nothing serious, just food poisoning. i had to go to the hospital to get shots to stop the nausea.

they jabbed my butt!! it hurts so much T^T

do you want me to come over and visit?

nah,, it’s okay ^^

i’m going to shower then take some medicine which will knock me right out again

there’s no point in you coming over to watch me sleep, is there? 

Beomgyu realises that he’s very much okay with that. The thought scares him a little. 

i would, if you want me to

Beomgyu eyes the clock. There’s not much time left to the end of the shift. He could go right after. 

i’m ending work in twenty

There’s a brief pause in Kai’s message. The reply comes three minutes later.

really?

i mean… i’m going to be really drowsy after i take my medicine 

if it doesn’t bother you

that would be nice

The door jingles, signaling another customer. Beomgyu quickly shoots Kai one last text.

see you at six. 

let me know if you need food.

Kai doesn’t respond when Beomgyu texts him again after work. The younger must have fallen asleep, so Beomgyu grabs some clear soup with noodles, and heads for Kai’s residence. Kai could always keep it for tomorrow if he’s already eaten. 

They’ve been to Kai’s house enough times for Beomgyu to let himself in with the door code. His mom and sisters are still out, probably at school or work— it’s a good thing Beomgyu brought food. Kai probably slept through lunch.

Kai’s room is dark when he quietly opens the door, his curtain drawn to block out the sunlight. But he needs Kai to eat, so he gently draws the curtain back, switches on the light, and shakes the younge awake.

“Kai? Wake up.” The younger does look pale, cheeks sunken. It hurts to see him like this. Kai doesn’t wake up immediately, but stirs when Beomgyu squeezes his arm. Beomgyu tries again, “Kai, I brought food.”

The younger slowly stirs awake, but his eyes remain stubbornly closed. He turns towards Beomgyu, “five more minutes.”

“You need food. You probably haven’t eaten since throwing it all up right?” 

Kai whines, and Beomgyu knows he’s hit the nail on the head with his words. He slides an arm underneath Kai’s shoulders and pulls him upright. “Food, now.”

“But I’m so sleepy…” Kai wasn’t joking about how drowsy the medicine would make him. The younger sways in his seat, unable to keep himself upright without Beomgyu supporting him. He sighs and gently eases Kai onto the floor. As much as Kai is sick, Beomgyu hates eating on the bed.

“Come on, I’ll feed you, you big baby. Open up.” Grabbing the noodles, Beomgyu spoons some into Kai’s mouth. He keeps this up for a few more spoonfuls, all while Kai chews slowly with his eyes closed. A while later, Kai holds his hand out for the takeout container and starts eating it himself. Beomgyu doesn’t say anything, just watches Kai finish his noodles, glad that he doesn’t seem like throwing it up. 

“Get back onto the bed, I’ll go throw this away.” Beomgyu takes the container and places it back in its plastic bag. He moves to exit the room, but a hand on his wrist holds him back.

“Stay. Please?” Kai looks up at him pleadingly. It makes Beomgyu freeze, breath catching in his thoat. 

How is Beomgyu to say no to that? Resigned, he leaves the container on Kai’s desk, moving back to Kai’s bed. He carefully perches himself on the edge of the bed, jolting when Kai throws his arms around his hips and hugs him. 

“Thanks for coming,” Kai mumbles into his side, “was feeling miserable, but you came.”

Beomgyu’s heart squeezes painfully in his chest. “You should have told the others. Pretty sure Taehyun is free today.”

Kai mumbles, shaking his head, “want you.”

Beomgyu freezes. Kai doesn’t say anything more than that, already fast asleep. Want you , his mind repeats. Kai wants him, more than the others. Wants him . What does that mean? 

He’s facing Kai, pale cheek and blone hair resting on his dark blue pillow. His lips are gently parted and his eyelashes are dark brushstrokes against his cheeks. Beomgyu is suddenly possessed with the urge to lean down and kiss him. Just like that night at the station and many times in his dreams. But this time, it’s not a dream. It’s real, he wants to, and he’s not under the influence of adrenaline or alcohol.

Beomgyu doesn’t kiss him. Instead, his breath freezes in his chest, painful and solid. It’s written all over you two, Soobin’s voice rings in his head. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I always wanted to be near him, with him, and wanted his attention on me. I miss him when he isn’t here, and when I’m with him, I’m happy. It doesn't matter what we are doing, we could be running errands and I’m still happy to be spending time with him. He’s just constantly on my mind — I worry if he’s eating well, I worry if he’s sick, I also worry when he’s down or stressed.  

Beomgyu’s heart races, as he comes to a single, horrifying, conclusion.

He has feelings for Kai. Romantic feelings.

~

The grass is green, the sky is blue, and Beomgyu has a crush on Kai. 

It shouldn’t come to him as a surprise, given all the signs that were already there , but the realisation has him reeling for a good three days. Denial can be a powerful thing after all. 

Well, there’s no point denying it now. 

Life isn’t much different now that he’s aware about his feelings. Kai is still Kai and Beomgyu is still Beomgyu, except that maybe he looks forward to seeing Kai more often, and every look, smile and touch from Kai fills him with a consistent fluttery warmth. How stupid he had been for thinking it’s due to acts of service . 

Kai misses work for a week due to food poisoning. When he gets back, the two of them fall back into their usual dynamics like Kai’s never left, and Beomgyu doesn’t have newfound feelings for his friend. 

Whatever they have, it’s perfect. Beomgyu’s not sure if he wants to screw up perfection. 

It’s nine pm, and the bookstore is about to close. Kai sways along to the tune (they have a vintage gramophone, Beomgyu’s favorite thing about this bookstore), a broom in his hand as he sweeps the floor. Beomgyu is in charge of dusting the shelves, but his duster is long forgotten as he watches Kai move about, with the broom as his dance partner. It’s adorable, and Beomgyu wishes he could capture this moment and hold it dear forever. 

Kai notices him looking and he shoots Beomgyu a grin, beckoning him to come over. He catches on immediately to what Kai wants, and shakes his head. He’s not dancing with Kai at work.

“Why not?” the younger protests, “We’re almost closing, there's no one here.” 

Ever since the almost kiss, Beomgyu hasn’t been trusting himself to be anywhere within a one meter radius of Kai. 

“We’re paid to work, not dance,” Beomgyu deflects, picking up his duster and moving onto the next shelf. 

Kai whines, “Ah hyung, please?” 

He hears the younger put the broom down, walking over to where he is, “It’s fun! Just imagine you’re an aristocrat from the middle ages or something and you’re invited to a ball and you’re dressed in the fanciest clothes because you’re rich and your family owns hectares of land and a grape plantation… or something.”

Beomgyu can’t help but bark out a laugh, “Grapes?” 

“You make wine, or something. Don’t know. Anyway! You’re invited, and I, the prince, asked you for a dance.” Kai describes enthusiastically. 

“You? The prince? Really?”

“Of course! Who else will be the prince then— ah!”

Thoroughly engrossed in his story, Kai fails to notice the wires on the ground, and his foot catches on it, sending him stumbling forward. And just as the universe would have it, Beomgyu is right there to catch him. Kai flails, yells, and lands right in Beomgyu’s arms, his chin on Beomgyu’s chest. 

Oh, this brings back memories. This time though, the tables have turned. Here he is, catching Kai instead. Without much thought, he laughs. “Caught you, love.” 

Red blooms prettily across Kai’s cheeks. Beomgyu watches in awe as it spreads to the younger’s ears and down to his neck, turning him into a bright red tomato. It’s the first time he’s ever seen Kai blush, and even if it’s out of embarrassment, it’s because of him . 

“Oh, ah— what?” Kai splutters. 

“You good?” Beomgyu asks. Kai hasn’t moved an inch. He’s frozen, eyes wide, seemingly at a loss for words.

“Yes! Yes, uhm,” Kai says after a beat, scrambling to upright himself. The blush remains high on his cheekbones.

The knowledge that he’s responsible for the red on his cheeks gives Beomgyu a rush of exhilaration. It’s addictive, the power, and Beomgyu wants to see it again.

Feeling emboldened, Beomgyu circles his fingers around Kai’s wrists, looping both his arms around his shoulders. The orchestral version of Love Story fades into the background, before soft jazz plays next. This isn't music fit for the middle ages, but for a slow dance between modern day lovers in the middle of their living room. 

The implication doesn’t get lost on Kai, who grows even more flustered. God, Beomgyu feels drunk, drinking in every single one of Kai’s reactions. He’s so pretty it hurts.

“Didn’t you want to dance with me?” Beomgyu murmurs into the space between them, stepping close enough that their fronts are almost touching. 

“I-I don’t know how—“

“Just relax, and let the music guide you.” 

With a nudge to Kai’s hips, they begin swaying slowly to the music. Kai’s gaze remains stubbornly on something beside his ear, but Beomgyu allows himself to shamelessly look. Maybe it’s because he’s sick of stolen glances and pretending his feelings do not exist. He lets himself look, even if there’s a possibility everything might go south later. 

“How is it? Dancing with me?” 

It’s pouring heavily outside the bookstore, passersby are rushing for shelter, cars honking, travelling through flooded streets. Yet everything around them sounds muted, except for the music in the background and the sound of their breaths. 

Kai finally looks at him. He’s so pretty, it hurts. “You’re better than I thought you would be.”

“Hmm, maybe I’ve had practice.” By practice, Beomgyu means running tons of simulations in his head. 

The signs are subtle, but Beomgyu notices the twitch of Kai’s brows, and the slight downturn of his lips as he says, voice tinged with a hint of displeasure, “So it’s not your first dance then.”

It’s jealousy—Beomgyu’s mind spins with the realisation—Kai’s jealous. Kai’s jealous that he’s not Beomgyu’s first dance. The red on his cheeks, his inability to make eye contact—it’s not embarrassment. 

“Kai ah,” Beomgyu changes course, guiding Kai backwards until the younger’s back is pressed flush against a bookshelf. The redder Kai grows, the braver Beomgyu feels. 

“Kai,” His hands are shaking when they snakes up to cup the younger’s cheek. He’s so scared, but there’s also nothing he’s been sure of in his life. “Can I kiss you?”

The three seconds in which Kai stares at him completely frozen is agonising. Beomgyu almost retracts his offer, changes his name and flies to a whole other continent before Kai pulls him in and—

They’re kissing.

As far as kisses go, this is by far the best Beomgyu’s ever had. It’s not perfect by any means—it’s a little messy and poorly coordinated. It’s obvious they’re both nervous as hell, but Beomgyu’s also laughing a little bit and Kai is biting at him to make him stop. That pulls a groan out of him and he does stop, but then Kai starts laughing which makes Beomgyu grin.

“Okay, okay, stop. Stop laughing,” Beomgyu whines, despite being the one to start it first, nose pressed into the column of Kai’s neck. He picks up tangerine, his favourite, and when Kai doesn’t quiet down, he bites down on the younger’s neck.

Kai jolts with a soft noise, and Beomgyu’s lips are immediately back on his. The second time is always better than the first, though their teeth still clack and their noses keep bumping into each other. It’s okay, they’ll have plenty of time after this to practice. Hopefully, Beomgyu will. 

“Kai—”

“If you don’t take me out on a date within a week and make me your boyfriend after our third, I am never speaking to you again.”  

Beomgyu laughs, delighted. He laughs, squeals, and throws his arms around Kai’s neck, squeezing the younger in a tight hug. It’s a wonder how he’s still in one piece and he hasn’t burst yet from the sheer amount of emotion bubbling within him. 

“Yes! Yes— anything you want. Anything for you.” 

It’s pouring heavily outside the bookstore, passersby are rushing for shelter, cars honking, travelling through flooded streets. With Kai’s hand firmly in his, Beomgyu takes off at a run towards the station, a small umbrella shared between them. It does nothing to keep them dry under this torrential rain, but it’s okay. Kai laughs and lets Beomgyu pull him along, both their shoes getting drenched as they make their way through the flooded sidewalk together.

~

“So how long have you liked me?” 

“Uhm… high school?”

“That long??”

“Ah… well… you were always doting on me and saying things like ‘hyung will take care of you!’ and how could I not after that?”

“I’m sorry I took this long.”

“No— no, I didn’t say a thing hyung, how would you have known?”

“Man, you wouldn’t believe how I started realising my feelings for you.”