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It turned out that nothing in Yuan's life was important except for Qian. He was everything that mattered. Even before the boxing matches, Yuan knew his Ge cared for him, but something about seeing your brother’s head get bashed into the floor, about watching him rise and win and bleed just to keep you... solidified this understanding in Yuan’s brain.
Since then, everything in his life has orbited around Qian. His thoughts, dreams and aspirations all consumed by him. He would make sure Qian ate first before making himself a bowl. Would replace Qian’s damp towel and insist on drying his hair. He poured hours every night into school work, to excel, in order to keep these worries out of Qian’s head. When Qian looked tired, Yuan would massage his nape and beg him to go rest. He wasn't sure how it happened, but Yuan's most valuable skill has become noticing Qian's every need and gesture. It became an integral part of his life, the urgent desire to tend to him.
When he grew older, around the age of 13, he realized what a financial burden Qian was carrying, and found a part time job. That didn't go well with Qian, though, and after a year or so, he was forced to leave his job. His brother didn't understand, had just wanted Yuan to have a normal childhood. But how could he have a normal childhood when he was not a normal child? When they were not a normal family? Yuan knew what he wanted, and that was just one simple thing. To take care of Qian.
Sang Pang understood one thing Qian refused to, and Yuan was already aware of - Qian needed a partner. Someone by his side. Someone who could help him. So Sang Pang set his beloved Qian up with girls.
Yuan didn't know how to name the ugly feeling in his chest. None of these ladies were a good match for Qian. None of them would have been able to carry him. They didn't know about Qian’s nightmares or how leaving the window partially opened helped his hyperventilation calm down. They didn't know Qian pretended to watch TV with Li Li when he worried he didn't spend enough time with her and would nod off from being too tired, glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose. They couldn't possibly know how much sugar he likes in his tea or what he looks like when plagued by a migraine. Yuan did. But Yuan wasn't enough, apparently. Not yet.
Yuan was just fourteen, but he already knew that taking care of his Qian was everything he wanted. It was no surprise that he was the one who helped Qian up their stairs and into the shower after he'd gotten ill on his date again. Who else could possibly do that for Qian?
He went down to prepare some honey-lemon water for the nausea and carried it upstairs when he heard a cascading crush.
“Ga!” he yelled, setting the glass down, heart rate picking up, and heard only a groan in response. “Ga!”
Yuan shook the bathroom door, but it wouldn't open. He slammed his shoulder into it twice before it opened (fortunatly, the house was not in top shape) and found Qian on his knees. Not for the first time. These dizziness episodes were starting to really bother Yuan. But he knew Qian and didn't want to embarrass him, so he just gently helped him up, guiding him out of the bathroom despite Qian’s mumbled ‘I'm fine.’
He managed to sit Qian down on the bed without too much fussing on his older brother’s side. “Hey,” he nudged Qian soft-heartedly with his hand and offered him the honey-lemon water. “Drink this, Ge.” he asked.
“Mmm.” Qian took the glass, eyes still closed. Yuan squeezed his shoulder before getting the hair dryer, climbing on the bed behind Qian. “Ill dry your hair for you, Ge.” he said sweetly, turning it on and checking the temperature was nice and hot before bringing it to Qian’s head. Lazily, he took his time drying off Qian’s hair. This was one of his favorite activities, because Qian would sit silently and let him take care of him for a few minutes. “Are you okay?” he asked once Qian had drank some and seemed to stop swaying, sitting there with his eyes closed.
“I'm fine.” Qian reassured him, but Yuan was not convinced.
“This happens every time,” he accused, pouting above Qian's head. The dates, the nausea, the dizziness. Yuan had seen enough to know Qian. He didn't want this to continue. Neither the dates nor the episodes.
“It's one thing for that nosey Sang Pang to set me up on blind dates, but why were you and Li Li there?”
“We came to check on our future sister-in-law.” Yuan said, a playful tone to his voice, trying to lighten Qian up, and Qian thankfully scoffed.
"Sister-in-law, my foot. Having you guys is more than enough for me.”
That made Yuan smile, and he scratched a little behind Qian’s head, where he knew his scar sometimes itched. “It’ll be easier if you have a partner, right?” he asked, focusing on his fingers. An adult partner. Someone with a job and a stable income that Qian could lean on.
“I can take care of you all by myself.” Qian scolded, defensive, and Yuan laughed. “Oh, is that so?” he teased, ruffling the damp hair.
“What are you trying to say?”
Yuan leaned closer, still smiling. “Remember the first time you helped me blow dry my hair? Almost set it on fire.” he reminded him, amused. It was one of his fondest memories.
“You talk too much.” Qian chastised, and then apparently Yuan’s time was over. “All right, I'll let the rest dry by itself.” he shook him off gently.
Always by itself. Never allowing Yuan to take care of him fully. Forever pushing Yuan back into his role. He was just a baby brother. He couldn't be Qian’s partner, not yet. He left the room, complaining, but stopped just before closing the door. “Ge,” he shot at him. “You're not alone.” he reminded him, smiling, and bid him goodnight.
Those years revolved around Qian, but Yuan, selfishly, also had a few moments to himself. After all, adolescence happens to everyone. He got a confession at sixteen that made the world come crushing down around him.
It was raining, sometime in winter, and a girl from his class begged him to see her behind the school. He thought about refusing but remembered Qian’s worried complaints about him not having any friends, so he went anyway. Hao dug her heel into the muddy ground, tugging on the sleeves of her school shirt. She was the prettiest girl in his class, he’s been told. He never really thought about that type of stuff.
“Wei Zhi Yuan,” she opened, and his eyes caught sight of a pearl barette clip in her hair. “I like you.”
Yuan blinked. Hao offered him a timid smile, pushing her hair behind her ear. “I like you, Wei Zhi Yuan.” she repeated, a little louder, as if he hadn't heard her. Oh, but he did. The sound of the pouring rain around them wasn't enough to silence her voice.
“I-” he started, before coughing to clear his throat, his ears reddening. Li Li had warned him this would start happening, teased him about it since he shot up in height and gained some muscle. Qian seemed pleased with the idea that he’d get a girlfriend, always hoping for Yuan to have a normal life. Yuan wanted to do everything to please Qian. But- “I’m sorry, Hao..”
Hao shifted her weight, surprised. “Sorry?” She frowned, hanging her eide eyed, brown stare at him. “You... are not interested?”
Yuan pressed his lips together, casting his eyes down. “No. I'm sorry.”
“Why not?”
Why not, actually? In the back of his head nagged the thought that it was well past four p.m., and at that rate, he would not be home in time to prepare dinner for Qian and wash the bedsheets like he planned.
Yuan looked at her. She had perfect skin, a little beauty spot under her left eye. Smooth, thick hair. Her face was round and sweet. She has always been nice to him in class, and was smart and talkative. He vaguely remembered them getting along when they did a project together a month before. Why not?
He swallowed, sucking in a small breath. His eyes cast down at his shoes, feeling heat rising under his skin. The thought of liking anyone was absurd. How could he like anyone in the world when he was so busy taking care of Qian?
“What, do you like someone else?”
Hao’s words were like an avalanche, like someone had dropped a heap of construction waste on his head. Yuan felt dizzy. Did he? His breaths were starting to become fast and shallow, his fingers curling into fists that he immediately hid inside his pockets. Images flashed before his eyes, and his feet were rooted in place. His mouth was dry, and he felt like he had lost the last 50 cm he's gained.
“...I don't know.” he admitted in a quiet voice. She wasn’t the ideal person to open up to at that particular moment, but Yuan found himself unable to lie to her, shaken by the sudden revelation rapidly blooming in his chest. Hao crossed her arms, somewhat irritated by his confusion, perhaps upset by his rejection. But Yuan was too busy spiraling to notice.
Like someone else? How was he supposed to know? All he ever cared about was Qian. Qian, Qian, Qian. His world revolved around him. Qian was probably on his way home. Qian would worry when he’d find the place empty.
Hao must have sensed the distress her question caused, because the hard edge around her lips softened. “What do you mean, you don't know?” She insisted, shifting her weight again, adjusting her bag strap. “Is there a person you like, or not?”
“How-” Yuan exhaled. “How do you know if you like someone?”
Hao clicked her tongue, and sighed, looking around as if aid would come from the raining sky. “You just know.” she finally said, “You know inside your stomach. You want to be around the person you like. You care about them. You want them to be happy. You want them to like you back.” Her voice had a bitter edge to it that Yuan would have noticed had she not just ruined his life.
That day, the route home took twice as long as usual. He dragged his feet across the sidewalk, in the rain, lost in his thoughts, as he let his body carry him automatically back home to Qian and Li Li. How could he possibly face Qian now? How could he let this happen? Every step was heavier than the last as he climbed the stairs, and he found himself rooted in place, his eyes landing on the spot he used to sleep in all those years ago. His heart ached so deeply that he doubled over, grabbed his chest, and stumbled to his forgotten little corner. Knees to his chest and his head buried between his arms, Yuan struggled to breathe. He shivered from the cold, the wet school uniform clinging to his skin, and dragged his blunt nails across his scalp as he tried to ground himself back into reality.
He liked Qian. No. He loved him. Loved him in a way a brother never should. He loved him so much that every bone in his body ached at the thought of him, every cell screamed at him to be close to Qian. He was undeserving. Ungrateful for everything Qian has done for him. His phone has been buzzing in his pocket for the last thirty minutes, with what probably was his panicked older brother attempting to reach him, but all Yuan wanted to do was throw up. Here he was, distressing Qian again. Distressing the person he loved. As if Qian didn't have enough to worry about. And how could he even dare to say he loved Qian when he himself was the cause of so much of his troubles? Was that how someone in love behaves?
A primitive hunger rattled it's cage inside his stomach, and lightning in the sky alerted him to an upcoming thunder. A storm was coming. Qian would be running around in the cold looking for him, would probably get wet and sick. Because of Yuan. He dragged his nails back and forth across his scalp, back and forth, trying to calm down his breath enough to stand or at least pick up the phone. He never wanted to hurt Qian.
On the contrary, all he ever wanted was to take care of him. To ease his worries and share his burden. Was loving him really that bad? He didn't have to confess this truth to Qian. He could keep it to himself forever. Could stay by Qian’s side and do everything Qian needed. Perhaps love could be his power and not his ruin. His eyesight focused a little, and he looked down at his hands. There was blood and a few hairs stuck under his nails.
He remembered the boxing match. How much blood was in Qian’s hair. Love for Yuan was his power back then. His love made him strong. Yuan could do the same. He could use his love to take care of Qian better than ever before. Better than anyone.
“Xiao Yuan!”
Yuan’s head shot up just in time to see Qian running in his direction. He smiled shakily through his tears, feeling warmth spread across his chest as Qian came into view. He knew everything would be okay once he saw him and thought -
‘Ah. So that's what love is.’
Qian fell to his knees in front of him, immediately grabbing Yuan’s arms, checking him for injuries and bruises, a frantic look on his face. “Yuan,” he breathed, relieved, and Yuan could barely hear him through the beating of his heart in his ears and the wild thoughts in his head. Love wasn't an awful, ugly thing. Qian grabbed his face, turning it from side to side to inspect carefully, relief washing over him when he found Yuan unharmed. Love was beautiful.
“What happened?” Qian demanded, “Wei Zhi Yuan, I was looking everywhere for you!”
Yuan couldn't help but smile, his lips quivering, and wrapped his arms around Qian, shifting to hug him on his knees and burying his face in Qian’s chest. “I'm sorry,” he whispered, “I'm here.”