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It’s fine, it’s fine. It’ll be fine. Rowan Shepard repeated that mantra in her head in an effort to keep herself calm as she walked across the Presidium towards Apollo’s Café. She agreed to meet Kaidan there, but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why he wanted to talk to her there. The Normandy crew had a bit of shore leave while they resupplied and refueled at the Citadel. It made sense that he’d want to get off the ship and get some real grub. And it was a good sign that he wanted her to join him.
Yet she couldn’t shake the feeling there was more to this get-together than just two soldiers hanging out off-ship. Honestly, it felt a bit like a date. Normally she would write it off as her over-thinking things, but…
She took a deep breath as she descended the stairs that led to the courtyard. She’d kept herself at a distance from him since he came back to the ship, not wanting to make him feel crowded or that she was being too pushy. Or clingy. Or anything that could be construed as unprofessional. And for a time, he seemed to go along with it.
Until a few days ago.
Rowan paused when she caught sight of him seated at a table, casually looking over a menu. He was comfortably slouched in his chair, legs outstretched before him. As she slowly approached, his eyes lifted, as if he instinctually knew she was coming. When his eyes rested on hers, a slow, warm smile spread across his face. Her heart thumped heavily against her chest, and she felt her cheeks begin to heat.
That was exactly the kind of thing he had started doing, seemingly out of the blue. Nothing too overt, oh no. During their shifts and when the others were around, they were the Major and the Commander, the embodiments of a professional working relationship.
Off-shift, though, that changed. Lately he started standing a little closer to her. His hands would “accidentally” brush against hers. In the mornings, he’d have a cup of coffee all ready for her, just the way she liked it: a bit of milk and a ton of sugar. He’d check on her frequently, making sure she had eaten and gotten enough rest. And the smiles. Oh, the smiles. Heart-stoppingly sweet and just for her. Her breath would hitch and for a second she could believe that he really loved her.
It reminded her of the days on the old Normandy. Her heart ached in longing for that time and for what they had.
“Something the matter, Shepard?”
Her head snapped up. She was met with a small, poorly suppressed smirk from Kaidan.
“No, sorry,” she said, nervously pushing her hair behind her ears as she sat down at the table. She gestured to the menu, desperate to get a conversation going and push past her embarrassment. “Anything catch your eye?”
Noting her nervousness, his smirk relaxed into an honest, comforting smile. He nodded at her question. “Yeah. Honestly, I’m surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this.”
She held out her hand to see his menu. After he handed it to her, she skimmed over it, her brow raised as she took in its large selection. “Maybe it’s better if we don’t ask how. Or where.”
“Yeah, really. We don’t need an illegal food smuggling band after us on top of everything else.” The menu got handed back to him and he popped it open, giving it another thoughtful stare. His eyes on the words, he said softly, “I’m glad we’re taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check.”
Rowan huffed out a laugh in agreement. “Things have been pretty crazy.” And the award for understatement of the century goes to…
As quickly as he opened the menu, Kaidan shut it again, setting it down in front of him. His eyes focused intently on hers, jaw set in a determined line. “You know, my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars – and there weren’t enough moments like this, with people I care about.” He inclined his head towards her, his lips turned upwards. “Grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax.”
Rowan couldn’t help but smile back, the action not as tiring as it usually felt. “Well, I’m here. So…” She picked up the menu, to figure out what she wanted to order, and hopefully to hide how on edge she felt. Anticipation roiled in her gut.
Perhaps sensing it, Kaidan struck up light conversation with her. They tried to avoid the war at first, instead talking about friends and loved ones. About memories of easier days, when life was much simpler. In that time, a waiter came and took their order.
Inevitably the conversation circled back to the fight. It felt impossible not to talk about it on any given day. They at least managed not to make it too depressing, talking about successful missions and what lay ahead of them once leave was over.
“You know what, though?” Kaidan said. “I feel good about our chances.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He paused, looking away. “Lets me sleep better at night.”
It seemed Shepard was not the only one up at night. Still, though it hardly surprised her, she couldn’t hide the worry in her voice. “You not sleeping, Kaidan?”
“Maybe a little restless…” he admitted.
An anxious silence followed. Whatever he wanted to say next was making him nervous, and Shepard found her body tensing in response.
He exhaled a sigh and finally said, “The war isn’t the only thing keeping me up at night. I wonder about us.”
Every nerve in her body ignited. So that’s what this is about. And is it why he’s been acting differently lately? If so, then…
Her hands tightly gripped the menu in an effort to stop then from shaking. Hope and terror warred in equal measure in her, and it took every fiber of her strength to keep both out of her voice as she said, “Us?”
“I love you, Shepard. I always have.”
Shock left her breathless for a long moment as she stared at him.
He loves me.
She could not doubt it. This was no slip of his tongue. For the first time in almost three years, she could let herself believe it – know it – again. Her mind spun with too many thoughts that she wanted to articulate and too many emotions she wanted to express.
One question remained, one she had to settle before anything else.
“On Mars, you… you contradicted yourself. On Mars, you asked me if the the woman you loved was still in there. You know, past tense. But when we talked after the coup was taken care of, you said about having a standoff with someone you love. Present tense. I’m… a little confused.”
“I didn’t contradict myself, Shepard,” Kaidan said. “I lied.” He bent his head in shame. “Back on Mars, I didn’t trust you, and my feelings were so mixed up. You were there and I wanted to believe it was still you, but it seemed too big a risk to let you get close again, to make myself vulnerable. So I lied to you. And… I’m so sorry.”
She shook her head, eyes closed, unable to bear the guilt-stricken expression he wore. “I would have done the same thing, Kaidan. I don’t blame you. I just needed to understand.”
“I pushed you away, but I won’t make that mistake again. I love you. I want to understand what this is between us… and make it real.” He hesitated, looking unsure of himself. “That’s what I want. What do you want?”
Without the usual doubt to make her hesitate, her careful control of her words and emotions slipped. “You,” she choked out, tears of relief pooling at the edges of her eyes. “I can’t bury what I feel for you anymore. And I don’t want to.”
Relief and happiness that matched hers bloomed in the form of a warm smile that lit up Kaidan’s whole face. He took her hand and pressed it against his cheek. “And that… makes me so happy.”
She grazed her fingertips over his stubble, as her thumb grazed the corner of his lips, greedy for any little touch she could get.
He pressed a kiss into her palm. “And there are benefits to that happiness. But more on that later.”
“Later?” she balked as he set her hand down. Two and a half years of separation, and he wanted to wait until later? “We need to get back to the Normandy, ASAP.” She jabbed a finger at him.
“Ah, too late,” he said, smiling as the waiter arrived. “Our drinks are here, and I am going to take my time.”
Their drinks were set out in front of them, and Shepard wanted nothing more than to toss them off the table, grab the infuriating Major in front of her, and haul their asses back to the ship. She squirmed in her chair, glaring at the drink in front of her as she said, “You said this was a sanity check. This is not doing wonders for my sanity.”
Innocently, he took a sip from his lager. “Oh?”
Her glare redirected at him. “Only you could make me so happy and yet so damn frustrated at the same time.”
“One of my many skills.” A wicked smirk spread across his lips. “I’ve picked up a couple new ones the past few years, you know. I might show you later.”
Shepard’s mouth dropped open at the sheer audaciousness of his statement. Honestly, she hadn’t been talking about just sex when she said about going back to the ship. But that’s clearly what he meant. “You – You freakin’ cocktease! You don’t get to say later and then tease me like that!”
He burst out laughing at her expression in all its self-righteous indignation. “Oh, I think I can,” he said in between laughs. “And I will.”
At this point she was just spluttering, unable to articulate more than maddened noises and gesticulations. The man before her was a far cry from the shy, reserved lieutenant she fell in love with three years ago. His confidence was devastating, and more than a tad exasperating. “You-”
Kaidan took her hand in his, kissing her knuckles in apology (though that damnable smirk was still there). “Yeah, I guess that was a little mean, especially since it was my idea to wait.”
“Uh-huh.”
“How about this: we eat, have a couple drinks, catch up. Then we go straight back to the ship.”
She pointed a glare at him. “And by ship you mean my cabin, right?”
“Aye aye.”
“All right.” She smiled, now that she was placated. “I guess it would be nice to just chat for a bit without all the…” She vaguely gestured in the air with her hand. “Stuff hanging over us.”
“Mm.” He gave her hand a squeeze, a gesture she returned immediately. “It is good to just put it all behind us. Talk and laugh like we used to.”
“We did have a lot of talks. I miss them.”
“I miss them, too. But we can have them again. Might not be the same ship, but it’s us that counts.” He chuckled. “At least this time I know how you feel about me, rather than agonizing over it like I used to back then.”
She smiled apologetically. “If it weren’t for regs, I would have been a lot clearer about it. And speaking of…” As much as she did not want to talk about them, she knew they had to.
“I’m not letting those stop us.” Kaidan’s tone left no room for argument.
Shepard blinked, taken aback by his decisiveness. She knew how much he valued his career in the Alliance. Not that she didn’t care about hers either, but her involvement with Cerberus pretty much halted it, if not killed it stone cold dead. “Kaidan-”
He shook his head. “We’re in a war that threatens everything as we know it. If these are gonna be our last days, I’m not gonna get hung up on frat regs. Besides,” He shrugged. “we’re both Spectres. At the very least, that convolutes things a little. And if they wanna slap us with charges when this is done, then they can.”
The more she heard, the more she realized Kaidan had changed. Not necessarily for the worse; she couldn’t help but agree with him. It just really brought it home how much time had passed and how much had happened. “My thoughts exactly. And you know…” She picked up her drink and held it out towards him. “I think that earns a toast.”
He copied her, though also shooting her a questioning look as he did so. “To us saying ‘screw it’ to the regs? Again.”
“Not just that. To us learning and growing from our past, and to our future, however short or long it is.”
Their glasses clinked together. They both smiled, murmuring, “To us” before knocking back their drinks.