Chapter Text
Your name is John Egbert and you are an idiot.
You literally cannot believe what you just did.
You were sitting in front of your computer, staring at the blue text on the screen that clashed with the red. It hurt your eyes, but they looked nice together.
-- ectobiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
EB: hey daveee.
TG: sup john
EB: dave dave i have to tell you sumthing okay?
TG: finally admitting that nic cage sucks and that im awesome
EB: nix cage is toal dave you know thst!
TG: sure he is now whats up egbert
EB: its reelly weird so don't like
TG: egbert whats wrong
EB: what do yoi mean?
TG: are you drunk
TG: tell me youre not drunk egbert
(You were drunk. Very drunk.)
EB: i'm not drunk!!!
EB: see look.
EB: perfect syndex.
TG: do you know how long that took you
EB: no...
TG: twenty five minutes john
TG: twenty
TG: five
TG: minutes
EB: no ir hasn't been that ling!11
TG: whatever john
TG: just tell me whats up
EB: whst makes you think somethings up
TG: youre drunk
EB: mayne i like to get drink!!!!
TG: that had to be the most ironic thing youve ever done john
TG: i applaud you
TG: so stop bullshitting me
TG: you even said you had something to tell me so spill
EB: spikk?
TG: no
TG: spill
TG: as in spill the beans
TG: youve been throwing rocks at the can
TG: its tipping over
TG: the bean spilling is unavoidable
EB: wat
TG: wow are you even trying john
EB: um
TG: john
TG: what that fuck is going on
EB: i like you
TG: yeah no shit
EB: ni!!
EB: i mwna
EB: stile typos
TG: dude i have no fucking idea what you are trying to say
TG: sorry but i dont speak drunk
EB: >3
TG: what kind of emote is that
EB: nchdhsoskdheu
TG: worse emote ever
EB: noooo
EB: fukc ir
EB: w8
TG: ew eight
EB: i live u
TG: wow nice egbert im glad youve decided to let me know how you live your life
TG: i feel honored
EB: PMH
EB: IBIJNFEGBKJBGKJREKJBWKJBNGRKBREKJBGPWKJ3T43J'W3RTF34JFT432=TGF
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==> Be worried.
You cannot be worried because the person you think you are isn't worried he is exasperated and really wants to be sober and not the idiot that he is!
You are actually Dave Strider.
And you are worried as fuck.
You are worried because you are pretty sure you know what your best bro is trying to say through his drunkenness, you are pretty sure you know why he got drunk, and you are 100% sure you do not want him to say what he wants to say so desperately, he got drunk off his ass to do.
You also happen to know that John does not handle his alcohol well. As in, one can and he's already tipsy. Three cans and he's already drunk. Five cans? He's talking about pranking the president
By putting a bucket over the door to his bedroom. (You once had to cancel a flight to DC because of this.)