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I don't know much, but I'm pretty sure winning the Battle of Hogwarts was not supposed to open a giant, glowing portal in the middle of the Great Hall.
Actually, I'm definitely sure of that.
And yet it happened anyway, and I was sucked through into some alternate Hogwarts with students entering like it was any other day and we hadn't just fought a battle where I killed the Dark Lord in the courtyard.
I promptly started swearing my ass off.
"What the fuck? Where the fuck am I?" I whipped my head around, searching for any clue of my whereabouts. Dumbledore sat at the head table, though he looked much younger. His beard was auburn and cropped close to his face and he was not yet sporting his half-moon glasses. He wasn't in the center seat, which meant he wasn't yet headmaster. That would place us prior to 1944, I think.
"Oh, hey Dumbledore, you fucking dipshit! Mind letting my know if you have any idea what the hell is going on?" Dumbledore was clearly as confused as I was, and for once, I thought the expression on his face might be entirely genuine. The students suddenly went dead silent, my swearing permeating their chatter as they settled in to listen for potential gossip.
"Young man, I have no idea who you are or what you're talking about but would you kindly refrain from swearing? It is only the first day of school, and we must set a good example for the new students!" Dumbledore stood from his chair. Him and a few other teachers removed their wands from their holsters but did not aim at me.
"Refrain from swearing? You've got to be shitting me! I have no idea when I am or what that stupid-ass portal was and now I have no way to get back home. I've got shit to do, Dumbles. You left me a fuckload of homework." I crossed my arms to convey my absolute seriousness. It seemed to finally click in the heads of the faculty that I was an intruder and Dippet, the former headmaster, scowled.
"Mr. Riddle, would you please assist us in rounding up this young man and removing him from the premises?" He called. A boy wearing a Head Boy badge exited from the shocked throngs of students with a smirk disguised as a polite smile.
"It would be my pleasure, Headmaster Dippet," the boy said in response, flashing the faculty a winning smile before turning his gaze on me and drawing his wand. I laughed, almost hysterically at the sight of his face. Riddle, of course, was Tom Riddle, just as handsome as he was in the diary and clearly very charming too.
"Yeah, I think the fuck not." I say between my bouts of choked out giggles. "No way am I letting Mr. 'I am Lord Voldemort" over there get anywhere near me." Most of the staff didn't even blink, clearly already convinced I've gone mad. Riddle at least had the decency to look shocked when I used his little-known monicker. Out of the corner of my eye, Abraxas Malfoy began choking on his own spit. Orion Black thumps him on the back.
"Young man," Dippet said with a frown. "You must see that we are only concerned for your safety and for the safety of our students. If you are not going to leave of your own volition, then we are fully authorized by the Ministry to use all force necessary. You are lucky we are only sending Mr. Riddle. I assure you, he will treat you much more politely than most of us." That statement caused my laughter to renew.
"Riddle's going to treat me politely? Oh, sure he fucking is! It's not like he's already made horcruxes and is about to become the most feared fucking dark lord ever. No!" Riddle's eyes flashed red and he drew his wand, pointing it at me as growled something I couldn't make out.
"What was that, Riddle? Was it that I've hit the fucking nail on the head? Because I can assure you that I know what I'm talking about." He scowled at me, charm vanishing in the face of my awareness, and shot the Cruciatus Curse flying in my direction. The school wards flashed with his usage of the spell, informing the staff that a student had performed an Unforgivable. Most of the students gasped in outrage, shrinking away from Riddle and closer to the walls, but a notably large group of Slytherins looked completely unfazed.
"Mr. Riddle! How could you use such a spell?" Dippet and the rest of the teachers looked aghast. Dumbledore, and notably Flitwick as well, did not seem at all surprised.
"I guess some bullshit doesn't change. This son of a bitch skips right to violence every fucking time," I sneered at him. In case you haven't noticed, I'm far too frustrated to be polite. You would be too if you spent your whole life running from the same asshole, only to finally get away and have your grieving interrupted by a sudden trip into the '40s.
"What does that mean?" Riddle asked politely, his careful composure returning as though it was never gone.
"It means I'm from the future, and you're a dipshit in every time period," I said, mentally apologizing to Hermione, who would throttle me if she could see the damage I was doing to the time-space continuum.
"I'm a-" Riddle began to speak but he was interrupted by Professor Dumbledore, who seemed to have finally had enough of mine and Riddle's general nonsense. At least one version of Dumbledore cared that much.
"Young man, Mr. Riddle, I think that is more than enough from the two of you. Both of you will accompany me outside where there will be Aurors waiting to question the both of you. Breaking into Hogwarts is not something to be proud of, nor is using an Unforgivable. I hope for your sakes that you knew this and were simply distracted for a brief moment," Dumbledore came around to the front of the table and towards the area Riddle and I were standing as he spoke.
"I didn't fucking break in. You watched me fall out of that fucking portal! It's impossible for any magical transportation to get in or out of Hogwarts grounds without the permission of a staff member. I can do a lot of shit, but breaking through wards that have held for thousands of years is not fucking one of them. And anyway, why would I want to be anywhere near this asshole ever again?" I know it doesn't make sense to plead my case to a version of Dumbledore who hasn't met me yet, but you have to give me some credit. I was on the verge of a panic attack, and cursing my way through a half-assed explanation seemed the best way to go about things. Besides, I wanted to be in the Great Hall in the event that the portal opened again and sucked me back through. There was a chance it would open wherever I was, (and a chance it wouldn't open at all, but I wasn't willing to accept that possibility) but there was also a chance it would only open in the Great Hall, no matter whether or not I was there. I wanted to be there when that happened.
"I've never met you in my life! How can you say something about me that you couldn't possibly know?" I could tell that Riddle's patience was wearing thin, so I flashed him a cocky smile.
"Well, it's like I already fucking said. But of course, you weren't listening. I always knew Slytherins were way to far up each other's asses to listen to shit that didn't come from one of their own goddamn mouths."
"You Gryffindors are all the same! Too confident for your own good. Just you wait, one day it's going to come back and bite you," he growled. I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I knew a threat when I heard one, no matter how little they mattered.
"Fuck you, Riddle!" I shouted. And then I was gone the same way I came.
Back in the future, everything had changed. Riddle had been put in Azkaban for using an Unforgivable. After he was caught doing it live for an audience, many of his minions came forward and confessed to what had been happening. My parents were alive, and so were all their friends, including Pettigrew. It took some getting used to stop myself from freaking out whenever he was around. I had a sister, which was interesting, but otherwise, everything was the same and I was happy. Funny how things work out, huh?