Chapter Text
Alec was dreading this trip, he couldn’t sit still in the airport lounge in Florida. He felt clammy and shaky and far too unsure of himself. He hated feeling like this, he spent most of the post season feeling like this and he wanted out. They called final boarding and he had no choice but to grab his backpack and make his way to the gate next door. He had agreed to this charity event and dinner back in August. It was now January and he was mad at his past self. But his past self had made a lot of dumb decisions lately and luckily he had a whole flight to Philly to think about it. He was excited to see some of the guys. He knew Bryce was going to be there, some of the others. But he was dreading seeing Brandon Marsh. Him and Brandon had broken up in the middle of batting practice, during the postseason, in front of most of their teammates.
In less than a week he lost his best friend, his boyfriend and they lost the NLCS.
Time healing all wounds was lie, he was convinced. Time hadn’t healed his relationship with Brandon, it hadn’t ease the loss anymore of the post season or the loss of his boyfriend and bestfriend. And here he was boarding a plane that would take him straight to Brandon, straight back to the environment that broke his heart only months before. He got himself settled in his first class seat, hoodie pulled up and hat on. He knew he probably looked like shit, he hadn’t been able to sleep the night before and he had an early morning flight.
He had met Brandon back when they were both newly drafted and playing in the Arizona fall league, so he knew him before the 2022 trade. Knew him enough to say hi on opposing teams. But when Brandon was traded to Philly they immediately became best friends, like instantly. And Brandon made it his life mission to make Alec laugh. They agreed to live together during spring training, Brandon moving into his condo and them moving in together up in Philly. Somewhere between practice and the Spring Training games they became closer than they ever imagined. They kissed one night sitting on the beach after a game and after a brief freakout by both of them, they officially started dating. And sure moving in together right away was a bold move but they had already signed the lease and they had their own rooms so they figured they would be fine.
The season went on and everything was fine until it wasn’t. Baseball is hard and it’s hard to always be on your game for 162. They were inseparable, to the point where fans were starting to notice, everyone knew they lived together but no one knew they were dating. They started telling their teammates in May and they were all supportive, and none of them were surprised.
By September they were struggling. The team as a whole was fighting for a playoff spot. Alec knew he had been in his own head and Brandon just tried to get him to laugh his way out of it. And it worked for short amounts of time, but Alec felt like he couldn’t talk to Brandon about his struggles and his plate struggles carried to the field and vice versa. Anytime he would bring it up, Brandon would tell him to just relax and have fun, not take himself too seriously. And all that would have been great if his heart wasn’t racing and his brain wasn’t scrambled eggs. Sometimes he wished Brandon would be serious for ten seconds, just long enough for him to get the words out of his brain to talk it through. And he knew that him being down on himself was hard for Brandon to deal with, that it brought down his vibe and he didn’t play as well. So he started to keep it to himself. But that was the bulk of his brain and their day and that resulted in him and Brandon not talking as much. Brandon gave him the space and then it was too much space. Alec felt like he left him struggling, but he was playing better with people that were able to match his vibe and the last thing he wanted to do was mess up Brandon.
They were still living with each other but barely speaking to each other by the time they played Arizona for the NLDS. It was awkward, it was like living with a stranger. They didn’t know how to even exist in the same space, they annoyed each other without trying. Their teammates all knew something was up, that something was clearly wrong between them, but they both were tightlipped about it. Stott called them out on it when they didn’t show up to the Bank together but they both agreed they wouldn’t put their other best friend in the middle of their problems.
Alec loved him, hell he still loved him. But he realized loving Brandon wasn’t enough to fix things between them. And maybe if they had normal desk jobs in accounting or marketing or finance and weren’t professional baseball players with an entire city resting on their shoulders, maybe they could have worked it out like adults. But instead they foreshadowed the ending of their season, they crashed and burned.
The plane had taken off now, the Florida palm trees no longer visible. He was on his way to Philly. On his way to see Brandon Marsh for the first time since they moved out of their house. The last week of the postseason Brandon had gone to live with Nick, they thought maybe space would be good for them and luckily Casty was having his own hitting issues that he didn’t ask what was wrong more than making sure they were somewhat okay. The whole team went ice cold, it had happened the year before, they forgot how to play small ball and Alec still felt like maybe him and Brandon were slightly responsible for throwing everything off.
He thought back to the NLCS, where everything in his life crashed and burned. He and Brandon had separate hotel rooms for the first time in months, they barely spoke to each other during practice. They knew they needed to fake it for the games so they did. Well they tried to at least. Brandon couldn’t play tight and he needed out of his head. But to get out of his head he needed to calm down and talk through his fears, how that fateful April night from the year before was creeping back into his brain for the first time in a long time. How he felt lost in the box, didn’t trust himself to know when to lay off and when to swing. And normally Brandon was his go to person for anything and everything. Even before they started dating they would spend hours talking about anything and everything. But now Alec felt abandoned by the person he thought understood the inner workings of his brain the best. And that hurt.
It was batting practice before Game 5, they were on the field in Arizona when it all came to a head. Brandon had turned the music up trying to keep everyone light and Alec needed to focus. They had been chippy with each other all day, comments, eye rolls, it was all there waiting to explode. Alec was in the cage, he felt lost. Hips and shoulders working against each other. He kept catching the balls either early or late.
Felt like he couldn’t have hit a beach ball if he tried.
“Hey come on 28, hit the ball” Brandon joked from where he was leaning on the cage.
Alec lost his shit he yelled at Brandon to cut the music off.
Batting practice was always light and fun but Alec had had it. Brandon couldn’t just good vibes him out of his head after he wouldn’t even talk to him about it.
“Can you just fucking focus for once” Alec yelled, stomping out of the cage and over to where Brandon was standing.
“Alec calm down” Brandon said gently.
“How can anyone calm down when you’re blaring what ever the fuck you want all the fucking time. Just focus for once” He threw his bat away from where everyone was standing, his gloves following his bat.
“Alec come on” He tried grabbing Alec’s arm but Alec shrugged him off.
Brandon wasn’t expecting him to have tears in his eyes when he finally raised his head. And well maybe things were more serious than he thought. He wanted to get Alec away from everyone so they could talk.
“This isn’t working, Brandon. We’re not working” Alec managed to get out. And Brandon knew that Alec didn’t mean batting practice. To anyone else it probably looked like Alec was overreacting, but Brandon had been living the same life. Brandon felt like he had been punched in the gut. Sure he could admit things were tense between them but he didn’t know where this was coming from.
“Let’s not do this now” Brandon suggested.
“No, you never wanna do this now. You won’t even fucking talk to me. Not all of us can just play on wet hair and good vibes. But you’ve been too selfish to see that.” Alec was still yelling, his chest was heaving. And while they moved away from their teammates, they could hear everything.
“I try and talk to you but you shut me out. You shut us all out. You’re not alone on this team Alec but you act like you’re the only one who cares or tries and you know it’s not fucking true.” Brandon yelled back.
They were face to face yelling chests puffed out. Their teammates and coaches frozen in place around them. They had been good at separating their baseball from their personal life and here it was bleeding out all over the D-Backs field.
“I can’t do this anymore. We can’t do this anymore” Alec said quietly and sadly. “We can’t do this to each other anymore” It came hardly more than a whisper.
“Alec” Brandon called out after him. It sounded desperate and choked and pretty much how Alec himself felt. But if he was to face anyone on this team ever again he needed to get away from them before he crumbled.
“Alec, please” Brandon pleaded
Alec picked his batting gloves up and went into the clubhouse. He instantly regretted it, but his legs kept carrying him through until he was hunched over in front of his locker. He felt a hand on his shoulder and saw Kyle behind him. He tried to shrug him off but Kyle just hugged him and refused to let go. Alec cried hard on his shoulder, harder than he was pretty sure he’d ever cried in his life, let alone in front of his teammates. It was everything coming out, the stress of a long season, trying to keep his private life private, the newness of the change in their relationship, his fielding struggles, his hitting struggles. And Kyle let him, offering him water and comforting words. He got him a wet towel to wipe his face when he was done. He felt gross and he didn’t understand why Kyle was still being nice to him, he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve his teammates' kindness right now. They all had bigger, more important things to worry about, and here he was crying his eyes out.
“Talk to me, whatever you wanted to talk to Brandon about, say it to me. It might make you feel better” Kyle said gently.
He really was the dad of the team, but Alec couldn’t figure out how to explain the fact that sometimes his brain was scrambled eggs and sometimes everything was rushing around so fast he couldn't think straight long enough to know what to do on the field or in the box. Everything was either too fast or too slow and his body didn’t know how to react.
“Just stressed. Not playing my best” Alec shrugged.
Kyle just gave him a look, he knew he was lying.
“I don’t… I don’t know how” Alec said, looking down at the towel in his shaking hands.
“Okay” Kyle said, nodding along like it was the most sane thing in the world.
He leaned back next to Alec, shoulder to shoulder. And Alec did feel better knowing he wasn’t alone. But he did just breakup with his boyfriend who he loved, on the baseball field that they had to play on later that night.
“Everyone's emotions are running high right now. Don’t rush into any big decisions.” Kyle said, finally speaking again.
Alec just nodded. What was there to say? “We haven’t been good for a little. Just different people I guess. It didn’t work out” Alec shrugged.
“Do you want it to work out?” Kyle asked him sincerely.
Alec just shrugged. Because of course he did.
“It’ll be okay” Kyle said, hugging him again.
It took everything in him to not cry again. But he held it together, even if he didn’t believe Kyle.
Alec went 0 for 3 that night with a walk and Brandon went 1 for 4, certainly not their best. And well the NLCS certainly didn’t end how they wanted. Like everything else around him, it ended in heartbreak.
Brandon was having his own similar thoughts on his flight from Arizona. He figured Alec would still be going. He just wondered how it was going to go. He hated that it took Alec screaming at him on a field in Arizona in the middle of the post season to understand what he meant. Alec and him had talked about anything and everything but in the weeks and month leading up to their breakup they stopped talking to each other in that way. Brandon just wanted to keep Alec out of his own head and it wasn’t until he was at his first at bat that night did know what Alec meant, that Alec needed to talk through things where he himself could just put on some music and get out whatever was bothering him. Alec avoided him in the dugout and their teammates kept them apart and it was probably for the best. He’s regretted not following Alec into the clubhouse ever since. Talk about someone slipping through your fingers. But Kyle went in right after him and Brandon just stood there, tears streaming down his face until Stott wrapped an arm around his shoulder and took him into the training room, knowing Alec went into the locker room.
“It can’t be over” Brandon said in between his tears.
Bryson just rubbed his back. He didn’t want his best friends to break up, but he knew they hadn’t been happy.
Alec had found the car waiting for him, luckily without anyone noticing him. They were all staying in the same hotel for a few days to make it easier for the event staff, he just hoped some of the other guys were there already. He checked in with one of the Phillies assistants who he assumed was new for the semester since he didn’t recognize her. She was definitely younger than him.
“Good afternoon Mr. Bohm”
“Alec, please”
She nodded awkwardly and he wondered if she’d been instructed to be that formal.
“Mr. Marsh has already checked in”
“Okay?” Alec said, confused as to why she would be telling him that.
“We went off your most recent hotel reservations, one king sized bed. It was noted you two usually shared.”
“Oh um, yeah. Not, no. We uh, last we did was our own rooms.” He stammered out, he could feel the heat rising up his neck.
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. Let me see what I can do. Sorry, I don’t know who booked them. I’m…” Now she was panicking and that was great. They could be a disaster in this hotel lobby together.
“Don’t worry about it” He shrugged. “I’ll just go get my own room”
“It’s um, the hotel is all booked. Some other convention in addition to us.” She looked like she wanted to die more than he did.
“Oh” He swallowed hard. So much for avoiding Brandon. He was gonna have to see who else was here and see if he could stay with one of the other guys.
“Who else is here so far? Bryce? I know he was coming.”
“So far just you and Mr. Marsh”
“Of course” He muttered. “Alright, thanks. I’m gonna go get settled or something” He said holding up the offensive hotel key card.
So much for avoiding the awkwardness of the two of them. He made his way to his floor, decided to just take his bags with him and he knocked on the door, he didn’t think he should just barge in.
Brandon was laying on the king sized bed, trying to figure out what he was going to say to Alec when he finally saw him. Part of him was excited to see him, he hadn’t seen him in months, hadn’t talk to him in months. He’d written more texts than he could count and deleted all of them. Nothing felt right. How do you apologize to the person who trusted you the most and you let them down? Part of him thought he should just avoid him altogether. He hadn’t heard from Alec either, all Stott gave him was that he was fine. Brandon hadn’t been fine. He hoped Alec was, but he kinda did hope Alec missed him as much as he missed Alec.
He was drawn out of his thoughts by a knock on his hotel room door. He willed himself off the bed and didn’t even bother to see who it was before opening the door. The last person he expected to see standing there was Alec.
“Alec?” Brandon asked, opening the door.
“Um, hi” Alec said awkwardly “They said you were already here so I didn’t just want to barge in.”
Brandon looked confused, and Alec wondered if they didn’t tell him.
“We um, we’re in the same room. I already tried to change it but nothing’s available. Sorry. I’ll see if I can crash with one of the other guys when they get here.” Alec was scuffing the toe of his sneaker in the carpet. Not wanting to see the disappointment on Brandon’s face.
Brandon was putting the pieces together and so he sidestepped the door to let Alec in. Alec had bags with him and a very worried look.
“That makes sense, why the new assistant told me Mr. Bohm wasn’t here yet”
“Yeah, we’re that old that the new interns refer to us as Mr.” Alec said, trying to break the ice.
Brandon gave him a small smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Brandon watched Alec as he put his stuff down. Brandon could see the tension all over his back.
“Let me move some of my stuff” Brandon said awkwardly
“It’s fine” Alec said awkwardly.
“It’s uh, it’s good to see you, man” Brandon said, moving to hug Alec.
Alec wasn’t expecting it, wasn’t sure what he was expecting, a high five wouldn’t have been any less awkward. But he ended up high-fiving Brandon’s chest.
“Yeah” Alec said, feeling his face heat up at the awkwardness.
Brandon didn’t know what that was, so he just patted Alec’s shoulder.
They went from being joined at the hip to now not even being able to execute a high five or a hug or whatever the fuck it was supposed to be.
“I um think I’m gonna go for a walk or something, we have time before we have to be anywhere.” Alec mumbled out.
“Okay”
“You can come too if you want” Alec offered, and well he regretted those words. He was going on this walk to get some space, not hangout with Brandon.
“No I’m good, enjoy your walk” Brandon said, he knew Alec didn’t mean it.
His walk did nothing to clear his head, it was cold and damp and as much as he loved Philly, the weather was doing nothing to help his mood. He shed some layers as he walked into the hotel room, he could hear the shower running in the bathroom, Marsh’s music playing.
Brandon came out of the bathroom, towel on his hips and Alec really tried his best, he did. But he couldn’t help but look at Brandon’s toned arms and stomach. And wouldn’t it have been so much easier to just walk over to him and kiss him. But he didn’t. He took his stuff into the bathroom for his own shower.
As he was rinsing shampoo out of his hair, there was a knock on the door and he heard it crack open.
“Hey, sorry. Can I grab my brush?”
“Yeah, sure” Alec said, he cupped a hand over himself and then rolled his eyes. First it’s not like Brandon hasn’t seen it before, second the shower curtain is navy blue, and third locker rooms.
“Thanks”
“Course” Alec coughed out, hoping to rid his voice of the embarrassment.
He dug his palms into his eyes, this was all too awkward. It shouldn’t be awkward, they should be laughing and joking and having fun and cuddling. Not talking in several words and being awkward.
But he didn’t know how to fix it, didn’t know if Brandon even wanted to try and fix it. Not sure he wanted to, no he knew he wanted to; at least to get their friendship back.
He finished showering and by the time he went back into the room, Brandon was already gone. Part of him was hoping he had waited for him, but they could barely figure out how to say hi, so why would he have waited. Alec regretted not texting him. He had written plenty of messages he never sent. The only communication between them was on Thanksgiving, Marsh’s birthday and Christmas.
It was getting late but they still had time before they had to show up for all of the events. He just hoped they would get through the weekend without hurting each other any more than they already had.