Chapter Text
Simon had a chaotic childhood both at home and school.
When he chose to attend Hillerska alongside Sara, he knew he would miss his only friends, Rosh and Ayub.
Still, deep down, a small part of him hoped that this new chapter could bring a different, happier journey despite his past. That’s why he attempted to be friendly and greeted Vincent and Nils, only to be disdained in front of other people.
Rejected once again, he felt the familiar sting of isolation. But this time, he was braver and stronger, he was ready to fight back and stand up for himself. And, if he was afraid, he would at least pretend that he wasn’t.
His first two months at this school were uneventful except for the disgust and disrespect shown by other students, particularly Vincent.
Then Wilhelm came along.
It started at lunch when the prince who would have disagreed with his points about tax and money, surprisingly praised his opinion.
Then came the party, where the love really began.
He and Wilhelm was hiding behind a trunk when he wanted to tease him by quietly calling out his name just for fun when other guys were looking for Wilhelm.
Perhaps it was the way Wilhelm’s hand covered his mouth, or how intense Wilhelm’s eyes were fixing on him and his lips, or the way Wilhelm’s face drew near.
Simon couldn’t figure out the reason, but he fell in love with Wilhelm at that moment.
Several days later, at the movie night, they shared a kiss that left Simon feeling elated. That night, for the first time in a long while, when his mom asked about school, he genuinely expressed his enjoyment and it wasn’t a lie as usual.
This must be how it feels to be accepted, he thought to himself.
However, the next day, Wilhelm told him to forget it ever happened, and Simon accepted it.
Rejection had always been a part of his life and he assumed he should be accustomed to it by now.
But then Wilhelm returned, retracting his earlier rejection, and Simon happily accepted because he cared deeply for Wilhelm.
The only problem was, so many obstacles stood in their way. Erik, Wilhelm’s brother, died, leaving Simon distressed for Wilhelm during this difficult time.
However, after several days without contact, the first thing Wilhelm said was for Simon to delete all their messages, much like he had asked him to erase the video from the football game—the night where Simon’s hotdog had grown cold in his hand as he was too absorbed and fascinated just watching Wilhelm.
Now feeling abandoned once again, he tried to convince himself he was alright. Having experienced rejection from Wilhelm before, he believed he could handle it again. At least he could pretend to not being hurt, knowing it would hurt less that way. Besides, Simon didn’t want to add to Wilhlem’s sorrow, understanding Wilhelm was grieving.
Later, when Simon went to return money to his drug and alcohol-addicted dad, his dad pushed him against the wall and tried to ‘comfort’ him with the same hands that hurt him like he always did after hurting him when he was small.
Simon felt an overwhelming urge to vomit.
He hated drug, hated alcohol. He hated them so much.
That same night, Wilhelm called, his voice slurred from being drunken and high. Simon could tell immediately, he was all too familiar with that state.
Feeling a mix of worry and anger, he rushed to the football field, where he found Wilhelm, drunken and high, mumbling nonsense.
Then Wilhelm told him something that Simon would remember for the rest of his life.
Wilhelm would never know how deeply those words impacted Simon, who would again and again let the memory consume him on every miserable night in the days to come, continuing to haunt him even after months and years.
“Everything is fake. Everything in the world is fake. The grass on the football isn’t even grass. They are plastic, It’s bright but at night. All the people are fake. They are made out of metal. But I like you. And that is not fake.”
That must be the most beautiful confess he couldn’t even dare to imagine receiving in his whole life.
Simon felt ache in his heart, which was overflowing, making it difficult for him to breath steadily.
Simon trusted him, trusted him completely.
Drug, alcohol, Wilhelm.
That night, the things he despised most and the person he cherished most intertwined.
If he found comfort in Wilhelm’s continuous expressions of fondness the following morning, he didn’t show it.
They shared another kiss, this time, deeper and more intense.
Simon liked being kissed by Wilhelm, he liked the way his legs being parted by Wilhelm without hesitation, he liked being filled up completely by Wilhelm, he liked the tender moments that followed-Wilhelm hugging him from behind, whispering his affection while paying with his curl, with another hand caressing his waist.
He felt worthy again.
Even after the nude video went viral, and so many gossips and criticism surrounded him. He still held onto hope because Wilhelm was there to comfort him. Simon believed Wilhelm would always be there with him because Wilhelm told him so. Wilhelm promised him that he would stand by his side and Simon trusted him, very much.
So when Wilhelm publicly denied it in front of the entire nation, he suddenly felt suffocated.
This time, the pain cut much deeper than before. It was then that Simon came to realization that he hadn’t been alright all along and the heavy feeling he had tried to brush aside was, in fact, pain.
Wilhelm’s denial of their relationship, of Simon himself, was the last straw.
He couldn’t bear to face rejection from the same person for a third time. When Wilhelm came to talk to him, attempting to mend their relationship, Simon found himself unable to accept it. He also refused to be kept a secret, feeling like something dirty and shameful.
But that’s not all.
Now that he was alone, the impact of the video started to sink in and weighed heavily on him.
Everybody was talking about him. He was being called ‘pornboy’ now.
Those who knew it was actually Wilhelm laughed at him for being abandoned by the prince. Those who didn’t know gave him either dirty looks or looked at him with disgust.
He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling as if he had forgotten how to blink.
The feeling of being unlovable washed over him once again. But he was okay. He would be ok. Because he had grown stronger now.
Somewhere deep inside, he heard a small crack, he just didn’t realize that was a fissure from the wall he had built to protect himself from the outside world.
Despite his reluctance to face reality, he knew he had to carry on with his life. Avoiding Wilhelm at school wasn't realistic, seeing him caused pain, but not seeing him was equally painful.
He found some distraction when Marcus showed up-a big yet sweet boy who seemed to accept Simon for who he was and introduced him to friends, would hang out with him without concern for being seen,
a boy who Simon could go to Karaoke together with, hold hands in public, a boy who was happy to share photos took with him on social media, all of which something he always expected to do with Wilhelm.
But Marcus was also a boy that he couldn’t bring himself to love, no matter how hard he tried.
He decided to tell him clearly that he didn't have feelings for him and wasn't ready for another relationship, but Marcus rejected his words. Marcus hugged him and Simon just let him, with Marcus’s words lingering in his head.
“I didn’t watch the video.”
“I will never hurt you.”
“It’s just you might not have a best role model for a good relationship because of your dad. You’re nothing like your dad.”
“You don’t want to ruin something this beautiful.”
These were supposed to make him feel better, right？ Because Marcus spoke with such sincerity, and he always showed so much care.
So, the heavy feeling in his heart must simply be the weight of guilt for not being able to return the affection, rather than something else he didn’t want to contemplate.
After endless struggle, he finally realized that Wilhelm had occupied too much space in his heart.
When Wilhelm declared he was letting go, all of his fake calmness vanished, along with his ability to think clearly. He hurried after Wille, leaving Marcus and the performance behind.
Marcus was angry with him.
“You always think yourself as a victim”
“You really are an attention seeker.”
Marcus didn’t know him at all, after all. He knew nothing.
He and Wilhelm got back together. Things should turn better at this point. Except that it was only getting worse.
His own sister abandoned him. She chose herself over him, she chose the person who caused everything Simon was going through over her own brother.
She knew it all-those harassment Simon faced from media, from strangers both online and in real life, knew how people treated him because of the video.
But, she still chose August.
If his own sister could do this to him, everybody could.
You could trust me, Wilhelm said.
But could he really?
He had given second chances, third chances to many people, but none had proven worthy. But when it came to Wilhelm, he asked himself, and the answer was yes.
“I want to be with you,” he told Wilhlem, ”if it means I have to be a secret, then so be it.”
He had no idea what the future held, feeling unsure and scared. But he loved Wilhelm deeply. He longed to tell Wilhelm how much he needed and wanted him, even if it meant enduring the pain of being hidden away.
And how overwhelmed he was, his heart fluttered, filled with butterflies, when Wilhelm accepted him in front of everyone.
Never did he know, this moment was actually the beginning of an even more disastrous chaos.