Chapter Text
Sometimes, you wonder how different life might have been if the outbreak hadn’t happened.
Now, you’re fully aware that it’s a dangerous path, thinking about what if’s and what might have been, but on nights like this, where your eyes stay glued to the dusty window, you can’t help yourself.
Your mind wonders to the world that Joel has told you all about, of the life he and his brother had led, sometimes, he’d even tell you about his daughter, though the occasion is rare and you know it pains him, so you never ask for the stories of her. Instead, your eyes go wide when he speaks of her, of how she was on the soccer team, of how she used to cook breakfast when she was old enough, of how she and his brother used to tease him when he would run late.
Even now, as you stare out on to the empty street below, curfew long past, you think of what your life might’ve been if you were born in the same lifetime as Sarah.
You think of cold winter mornings, wrapped up in a glove and scarf, your father kissing you goodbye before you would get a bus to school. A bus! Your imagination takes you to what summers might’ve consisted of, and you think of the barbecues Joel told you about, of the father you didn’t know and of a girl you wished to.
But instead, your eyes flicker across the dimly lit street, and you hear gunfire from multiple blocks over, the fireflies and their fight against FEDRA raging on. There is a bitter feeling in your chest when you hear it, when it lasts for two minutes, then five, then ten, until you reach the twenty-one minute mark and it all goes quiet. Resentment has grown in place of your heart, and it’s only when a rough hand lands on your shoulder that you feel it fade, the regular beat that kept blood pumping around your body taking over once more.
“C’mon,” Joel sighed, hand hovering over your back as he made you stand, walk away from the window, towards the only mattress in his shabby apartment that was halfway decent. “Get some sleep, kid.” He added on, waiting for you to lay down and pull the blanket over yourself. He hesitated in the doorway, a frown pulling his eyebrows together, and he closed the creaky door until it was just slightly ajar.
You listened to him pottering about for the next hour or so, heard the clink of the old glass bottle he thought you didn’t know about, until he finally passed out on the sofa. Your eyes finally drifted shut when you realised the front door wasn’t going to open tonight, and you fell asleep with a frown marring your young face.
When you woke up the morning after, it was to the sound of shouting down the hall. Your first thought had been that Joel was in danger, and you grabbed the knife from beside your pillow, approaching the voices with caution. You stopped when you heard the words.
“I gotta do it, Joel, this ain’t just about me!”
“No, it’s not just about you! It’s about that little girl down the hall. Who’s gonna tell her, huh? Her daddy ran off to pretend to be a hero! And when you get gunned down, who’s gonna tell her then? Me, I’m gonna have to tell her that her dad ain’t comin’ home.” Joel snapped, his voice raising, reaching a volume that made you concerned of what your unpleasant neighbours might do.
“Joel?” You called, stood in the hallway with your arms now down by your sides, knife still gripped in your hand. Two heads snapped in your direction, and Joel moved toward you, plastering a tight smile on his face, trying to convince you that everything was fine. “What’s going on?”
“Nothin’, everything’s fine. Whatcha doing up, kid?” He asked, and saw the knife in your grasp, his face falling, unable to even keep the fake smile up. He rubbed a stressed hand over his face as you spoke, shooting a nasty look in the direction of his brother.
“I— I heard shoutin’, thought the neighbours were back.” You replied, looking nervously between Joel and your dad as they shared a silent look.
Joel scoffed when Tommy approached you, a somewhat nervous smile on his face.
“Hey, kiddo. Let’s go talk, yeah?” He said, swallowing when you immediately looked to Joel, your eyebrows drawn upwards at your father’s request. He couldn’t even look at you, leaning over the counter with both palms resting on it.
“Okay…” You trailed off, letting your dad take your hand and lead you back to the room you had just left. He sat you down on the mattress, and crouched in front of you.
You pretended not to notice the blood that stained his sweaty clothes, or the way his fingers held a residue, or how the bags below his eyes had grown since the last time you saw him. His forehead was shiny, and for a moment, you worried that he was sick, but the expression on his face told you all you needed to know. “Listen,” He spoke, and you crossed your arms in front of you, moving your eyes away from him.
He said your name, the name your dead mother had chosen, and frowned when you still refused to look in his direction. With a sigh, he started again, “I’m sorry, kiddo, really… but this is too important.”
“More important than your daughter?” You snapped, and he stared at you for a few moments, gulping down the lump that had started to form in his throat.
“No, no, of course not.” He said, trying to patch things that had long since fallen apart, too far gone to be saved.
You scoffed, “So stay.”
“I… can’t.” Tommy told you, squeezing his hands together as he watched your reactions, watched the indifferent look on your face form in front of his very eyes. “I have to leave.”
“Feel free.”
“No,” He spoke your name hesitantly, like saying it would make you explode, “They need me someplace else. Outside the QZ. It’s in—”
Cutting him off, you spat at him, “I don’t care! Go for all I care. I don’t need you here.”
His face fell, and he nodded at you, clearly missing the hidden message in your words. Had he been present, at any point really, maybe he would’ve witnessed you waiting up, not knowing if he’d ever come home, or if he’d be another faceless corpse dumped in a fire.
He stood up, reaching for you, but stopped when you flinched away from him, unable to even look toward him. Tommy swallowed, nodding, before he stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him. You didn’t remind him that it got stuck when it was closed, content to wait until Joel inevitably came to tug it from the doorframe.
∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘
Joel rarely mentioned your father after that day, and you preferred it that way. Preferred not to think of him, at least not out loud, that way, you could almost pretend you didn’t. Your indifference towards Tommy Miller was a constant ever since that day, had been even when Joel finally managed to pry open the door, your father long gone. Even when Joel hugged you, you refused to cry. Why would you? You had everything you needed right where you were.
Your circle of everything you cared about expanded slightly when you met Ellie. She was your age, just as troubled as you, and loved to make fun of Joel, which you did often. It was a bond you had never really come across, given the fact that you were living in a literal apocalyptic world, and the way Joel refused to send you to a FEDRA run school, instead teaching you the little he and Tess knew from his apartment between daily jobs and smuggling at night.
It scared you, the reminder that she could choose to leave at any moment being present every time you spoke with her. It was the reason you had kept Tess at a distance, even though Joel insisted you could trust her.
The only reason you didn’t outright refuse Joel’s suggestion of a destination was for Ellie, knowing that she needed a place for herself much more than you needed to avoid your father. She was the cure, and a selfish part of you wondered if that meant that one day, you’d get to live in a world like Sarah had.
Ellie was one of the only sources of happiness that you and Joel had left, especially for him after what happened to Tess, and even though you felt miserable the closer you got to Wyoming, you still joined her as she read her stupid joke book.
“Joel, what about this one!” You had giggled to Ellie, facing the book away from her as she laughed and tried to look, “Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?” You asked, and Ellie laughed before you even made it to the punchline. “Because it’s too tired! Get it, two tired?”
“I get it.” Joel sighed, rolling his eyes at your antics, but the ghost of a smile had painted his lips when you and Ellie laughed harder at his annoyance.
But that was before, and now even Ellie’s happiness had depleted, leaving the three of you often walking with silence passing between you, the occasional question of when you’d finally get to take a break being asked by you or Ellie.
You were sure you had more time, but when the three of you were being held at gunpoint at the hydroelectric power station, your heart stopped. The lady who had her gun pointed toward you and Ellie spoke to a man, saying, “What? You know these people?”
“I know him,” the man responded, opening the gate, “He’s my goddamn brother.”
“Tommy.” Joel said, something like relief in his voice.
“Holy shit!” Tommy said, immediately pulling his older brother into a tight hug, the surprise obvious.
“How you doin’, baby brother?”
“Goddamn. Let me look at you.” Tommy said, pulling away from the hug and resting a hand against Joel’s shoulder as he stared at his face, almost in disbelief that he was actually here, as the lady from the gate made her way down, standing at Tommy’s side. “You got fucking old.”
“Easy,” Joel teased, “It’s gonna happen to you, too.”
Tommy laughed, placing a hand behind the lady’s back and bringing her forward. “This is Maria. Be nice to her, she sorta runs things around here.”
You scowled at him, still stood by Ellie’s side, not sure if it was better or worse that he either hadn't noticed you or acknowledged you yet. She placed a hand against your arm, which still gripped the gun that you had told Joel you didn’t take back at Bill’s.
“Ma’am, thanks for not blowing my head off.” Joel nodded at her.
“Would’ve been embarrassing, considering you’re my brother in law.” Your head snapped up at Maria’s response, feeling a hot sensation in your chest, something akin to shock and anger growing in your stomach as you stared at her and your father in disbelief. You didn’t meet Joel’s gaze when he looked suddenly in your direction, frown getting deeper on his features.
Tommy looked to the ground, “We all gotta get wrangled up at some point.” He said to his brother, eyes falling to you, but he didn’t say a word, moving his gaze quickly.
“Ellie, right?” Maria said suddenly, standing before you and Ellie as she tried to be somewhat friendly and welcoming. At her affirmative response, Maria continued, “What brings you through here?”
Ellie looked to Joel, “Uhh, its kinda a long story.”
“Why don’t we bring ‘em inside?” Tommy suggested.
“Yeah, you hungry?” Maria asked you and Ellie, and you refused to respond, just following behind Ellie as she led you all through the gate, your father closing it behind you.
You kept your eyes away from Joel as you looked around, finding yourself stood before a pair of horses, and you didn’t acknowledge any of the people who tried to speak to you. You made sure your mind remained focused on the goal ahead, getting Ellie to the Fireflies, even if every part of you wanted her to stay with you and Joel.
As you fussed the horse in front of you, you listened in on the conversation beside you, at the other horse they had out. You only stopped eavesdropping when the man holding the reins of this horse asked you a question, “You ever ride one?”
You shook your head, wondering if he knew the world you lived in. A world full of Fireflies and FEDRA and a QZ that was far too enclosed to contain horses, at least in your sector. And between surviving and remembering to forget all about your father, when would you have had the chance, even if they did have horses at the QZ?
“Hey, if y’all stick around, maybe Tommy could teach you. He teaches horse riding lessons to a lotta the kids in town, when Maria lets him off that damn leash.” The person beside you joked, clearly remaining unaware as your face soured at the mention of your father, and obviously, nobody in this place knew of your existence, specifically in relation to one of their leading figures.
Then, his words registered in your brain, taking in something past the mention of your father’s name, and your scowl deepened as you realised what it meant. He had time to teach other kids how to ride horses, clearly his firefly business wasn’t too important for them. Why were you different? You were the man’s flesh and blood, and yet he’d only ever taught you about loss and resentment.
Ellie called your name, trying to draw your attention, but you couldn’t stand to look at anybody. You marched off, unsure of where the hell you were going, and didn’t see the way the group frowned after you.
“I’ll be right back.” Joel said, facing no protests from Ellie or Tommy, despite half expecting to, and he followed you as you stomped up some metal stairs, nearly slipping on a few of them. “Kid, wait up.”
“I’m not a kid, Joel.” You bit at him, not seeing the way he rolled his eyes. There was the usual frosty tone that came from you when your father came up, not wanting anybody to see the fire that raged in your chest when you even thought about him. You didn’t care. You’d even told the man so, back when you really were a kid, and you really did care.
“That’s what I always call you, ain’t stoppin’ now.” Joel said, and you sighed as you finally paused, giving him the chance to catch up, knowing his knees were bad enough as it was. “‘Specially not ‘cause of some temper tantrum.”
You whirled towards him, anger rising to the surface, and he stopped just before he reached you. “He’s got a fucking wife, Joel.” You started, not even able to glance down at where you were sure the said people were likely watching you.
“I heard it too, kid.” He sighed, knowing there was nothing he could do to comfort you, at least not before you finally let it all out. You’d been grieving your father for years, or grieving the man you wished your father was.
“He—He teaches horse riding lessons to kids in their town!” You stammered, trying to drown out the fire that was burning you from the inside out, but you just ended up with watery eyes, the dam you tried to put up doing nothing to stop it.
Joel nodded at you, still just the slightest bit out of reach, and flexed his hands as he stopped himself from reaching out to you.
“But he couldn’t stay, for me? His own fucking kid?” You cried out to Joel, trying to find a reason in his dark eyes, but finding nothing but your own dampened anger reflected back at you. Your admittance of you being a kid made Joel struggle even more not to just grab you, pull you into his arms and hold you until all of the pieces stuck back together again. “What? He gets to live out his dream life, while I sit back at the QZ for years, barely knowing if he’s even alive?”
Your teeth chattered as the first few tears fell, the wind blowing your hair into your face, and you had never felt more broken than in that moment. “What’s wrong with me that made him not want to stay?” You asked, desperate for an answer from the only man you trusted.
“Nothin’ wrong with you.” Joel responded, and he said your name, the name that your mother had given you.
“Some hero he is.” You spat, finally looking down to the group of people gathered on the ground below, and you saw your eyes in his, saw the way your eyebrows creased up in the way his were doing in that moment, and you had to look away before all you saw in the mirror was a monster.
Finally, when you looked up to Joel, the same way you always had, he reached out to you, letting you throw yourself into his arms. He held on even when he stumbled from your weight, even when the wind blew your hair into his face, even when the tears in your eyes fell to his shirt.