Work Text:
"Joonghyuk-ah, do you think I'm alive?"
The question is stupid and Kim Dokja knows it well, so well that he needs an answer to realize that he is not right.
Because that's how he is, he likes to look for something where there is no need, he loves to reread. The cards are on the table and yet he's looking for an answer, and he hates that.
"Kim Dokja, are you crazy?"
Yes, he is, but there is no need to respond. Not with Yoo Joonghyuk.
"Forget the vital signs, forget what human logic is, am I alive?" And there he goes, trying again to try and find a dot in a striped box.
Because Kim Dokja really wants to hear an optimistic answer, an answer where they say that he is the most alive, happiest and most motivating being for his group.
He needs to listen to it because he doesn't feel his heart flutter watching Lee Gilyoung talk in fascination about new grasshopper information, whenever Shin Yoosung tells stories about her new textbooks and how they seem like a good topic for adult conversation, like Yoo Sangha helps him with the languages that are not really necessary but he knows that it excites her, also seeing Han Sooyoung babble every time he bothers her, seeing Han Donghoon try to talk to him even if it is difficult for him, how Lee Hyunsung is so shy of his comments and praise about his great skill with brute force along with Heewon laughing at this and continuing to bother the poor man, Lee Jihye ranting about schoolwork and the great burden it is to carry someone as clingy as Kim Namwoon ( the poor boy is in love with her and Lee Jihye hasn't realized it yet).
All those feelings of happiness and relief are nothing more than smoke. There is no small sincere smile, there is nothing more than a rigid hug that does not give, an animated chat that does not pretend. There is nothing that lives and pulsates in to stay alive.
"You're an Idiot."
Oh sure he is, and he clearly knows it. Kim Dokja laughs at that, or at least he tries to.
"I was just trying to talk to you, Joonghyuk-ah. No need to be so rude" He laugh.
A growl comes from Yoo Joonghyuk, making the corners of Kim Dokja's mouth rise just a little.
"But I've really thought about that, you know, I've been very busy with a lot of things and yet my mind keeps coming back to the same thing. I don't feel alive even if my heart beats, even if I blush from the heat or from the alcohol, even if I open my eyes again every morning." He failed attempt at laughter escaped his lips. "And that exasperates me, because it is contradictory. There's no way I'll find any answer to the sensation I'm looking for, and with every passing second I feel like I'm disintegrating in my bed"
Kim Dokja doesn't want to see Yoo Joonghyuk's expression, at least not in these small moments where he opens up emotionally, and foolishly wants to believe the advice of his child psychologist who he was forced to go to when he was younger. That man was a kind person who smelled of other people's pain, he never liked doctors of any kind, but that is beside the point.
Although it is a bit stupid to want to follow words from so many years ago where the situations were different, but he can't find a solution other than to seek an opinion that contradicts his silly crisis situation with someone he hopes will understand.
The silence between the two went from seconds to minutes and Kim Dokja begins to insult himself and that damn child psychologist. He fully swears not to follow his advice or think about it.
"I don't think you're thinking rationally. Didn't you go to a professional?"
"I thought you could help me"
Yoo Joonghyuk's usual frown seems to grow more intense, his gaze seems thoughtful as he clicks his tongue.
"If you are worried about those things it is because you don't really see how things work." The man takes his time while he settles into his place. "You are a self-sufficient person without any ambition. Without thinking about others around you and you fool yourself that you are selfish when you are not.
Ah...So that bastard had noticed? He couldn't expect anything less from Yoo Joonghyuk, he just didn't want it to be known.
"This apathy, temporary I want to believe, may be clouding you because you are seeing the genuine emotions of the people around you, that everyone is being themselves with their sincere emotions. If you do not experience what happiness really is without pretending and believing that what others have also makes you happy, you will never be able to get out of that circle of depression and emotional emptiness" Yoo Joonghyuk's expressionless face seems to be directed towards Kim Dokja. "You are a very intelligent person and perhaps even very rational. But that makes you live much deeper within yourself and therefore not experience emotions in a very natural way.
Suddenly the door is opened in that small room, letting in Lee Jihye and Heewon talking about some topic in which Lee Jihye is quite aggressive.
"Ican't tell you much more, I don't deal with these topics" Yoo Joonghyuk says quickly and softly, getting up to leave. "Just take some time to meditate and that's enoug"
Kim Dokja watches his back walk towards the exit before shouting:
"Joonghyuk-ah!" The man stops to move just a little of his body to see him. "Thanks!"
Kim Dokja saying that, shows one of the most sincere smiles of him after a small empty and lonely time, perhaps not the biggest or widest but a genuine one only for the people who helped him.
Yoo Joonghyuk simply nods, leaving the place.
The two women looked a little confused, looking at Kim Dokja for answers, to which he just shakes his head with a small smile.
It would be a talk for and only for them.