Work Text:
The Last Goodbye
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The silence of the nighttime, a delightful quiet that they enjoy in each other’s company. The light from a candle, flickering and creating uneven shadows of their faces, making them seem monstrous and strange. The sultry air of the apartment, creeping up on them, closing in and swallowing them whole.
“I’ll be fine, Sirius.”
Remus’s reassuring voice soothes him, and is like a caress to his soul. Their fingertips briefly brush against each other where they sit. The only light in the kitchen is coming from the single candle, forcing them to keep their proximity. Their knees are almost touching, just like their fingertips. None of them wants to be the first one to pull away, but when their gazes meet, they sigh simultaneously and lower their hands, draws them back to themselves, their laps and their walls.
“How long will you be gone?”
The tone is harsh, but in it lays a trembling, insecure question that the asker desperately wants answered.
“I don’t know”, replies Remus with a slight annoyance.
He has said those words before, too many times to count. They bring him no joy to say, but his lover should definitely know better by now; after all this time he should have learned.
Perhaps he wants to know simply because he then can plan for his meetings with his true master, he wants me gone so that he can do the Dark Lord’s work - a sinister voice speaks inside Remus. He tries to brush it away, but once the suspicions are there they won’t disappear. Remus has lived with their exhausting company for far too long now, and he knows what it’s like.
His suspicions exhaust him, even more so than the secret missions and the painful monthly transformations. They are a poison to his soul, that once it’s taken root it will never go away again. Remus tries to argue with himself - Sirius surely can’t be the spy. Why would he be? But when he asks himself that question, a thousand reasons present themselves. Voldemort once wanted him to join, together with Remus and all of their other friends. Perhaps Sirius secretly took that offer, volunteering to be a spy for his Death Eaters. He at least hasn't taken the Dark Mark, that’s for sure. Remus knows every part of his body, and he would notice the second a new branding showed up on his skin.
But there are multiple wizards and witches who agree with Voldemort and his ideals, but not become Death Eaters themselves; just look at Sirius’s parents. That in itself doesn’t mean anything, Sirius hasn't spoken to them for five years, but growing up in a household like that inevitably leaves its marks. Remus wishes he could feel as certain of Sirius as Sirius feels of him, but these terrible, terrible thoughts won’t leave his mind.
Sirius impatiently shakes his head and groans. His face rests on his right hand, leaning against the table, while he tucks his shoulder-lenght hair behind his ear with the other. The gesture would have seemed childish if it was performed by someone else, but in some way Remus will never understand, Sirius manages to pull it off.
“You tell me that every single time”, he whines.
Remus is too tired to listen to his complaints, and even though he doesn’t want to admit it, he’s scared. There is a war going on after all, and at only twenty-one years old Remus has fought in it for three years. It doesn’t make it less frightening though. Due to his status as a werewolf, Remus is often sent out on long, dangerous missions, pretending to work together with the werewolves who are on Voldemort’s side of the conflict, while in actuality he’s gathering information for the Order. He is fully aware of the fact that if he gets caught, he won't have long left to live.
Sirius has a harder time accepting this information. He gets clingy and doesn’t want to let Remus go. Remus doesn’t doubt that he cares about him, maybe too much for his own good, but after the increased amount of attacks of the Order and its allies and the heightening number of deaths during the latest months, he can’t help but wonder if Sirius is the spy they’ve been looking for. Remus is the last person who wants to judge people based on other things than their own merits, but the fact that Sirius is a Black, that his own brother was a Death Eater before his eventual death - who can blame Remus if he suspects him?
“I know I do”, he counters. “Because it’s the truth. The mission could take days, weeks or months. Only time will tell.”
Sirius looks horrified at the possibility of Remus being away for months.
“Please, don’t”, he whispers weakly. “Promise to come back to me.”
Remus looks away, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. He is warm and sticky, so he moves around in his chair trying to find a better position. Sirius’s blaming eyes don't leave him. What if he knows about Remus’s suspicions? No, that can’t be. Remus tries to convince himself that that is not the case, but as per usual, the only thing he accomplishes is making himself even more convinced that Sirius knows. He is a terrible boyfriend, and he can’t bear to meet Sirius’s gaze. Instead, he looks away in shame.
Sirius is more than aware of the suspense and tension in the room. There is something Remus doesn’t want to tell him, he is certain of it. But what it could be, he is less sure of. There has been a distraught melancholy to him recently, walking around with dark circles under his eyes and looking more dead than alive. Of course, they all are feeling the same way, but for Remus, it’s worse. His monthly transformations sucks away all the energy he has managed to build up and leaves him an empty shell. It hurts Sirius to see Remus this way.
If he dared, he would stand up to Dumbledore and tell him to not send out Remus on any more secret missions. But Sirius knows that if they don't stand up to Voldemort and his Death Eaters, then no one will. It is his duty to his fellow wizards and witches, hell, even to the useless muggles, to fight this battle. And Sirius will. But that doesn’t remove the fact that he doesn’t want Remus to do it. He knows that he won’t be able to live without Remus, and that scares him more than anything.
“Promise me, Moony”, Sirius repeats, not ashamed of the fact that he uses the nickname to coerce a reaction from his lover.
He gets one too, but not the one he wants.
Remus closes his eyes and sighs, and Sirius feels a lump in his throat form. He won’t ask again, that would be under his dignity. But to his surprise, and delight, Remus actually gives him a real answer.
“However much I want to, you know I can’t”, he tells Sirius. “I know that you don’t want to face it, but this could very well be our last meeting. I could get killed, and I can’t leave in peace tonight if I promise you I’ll be back when I won’t.”
Sirius shakes his head, not wanting to take in what Remus said.
“N-no”, he stutters, feeling a cold shudder running down his back in the previously warm room. “Please don’t say such things, Remus.”
He is met with a sad little smile, and Sirius can feel how his eyes begin to fill up with tears. He blinks rapidly to stop them from spilling over the edge, but one stubborn drop defies him and does so anyway.
“You shouldn’t worry”, Remus tries to reassure him when he sees it.
He lifts his hand and brushes away the tear, but doesn’t take it away when he has done so, instead letting the hand rest on Sirius’s cheek, gently caressing it.
“I have done this multiple times before”, Remus continues. “I’ve been in worse danger than this, and even though I’m cautious, I’m positive that this mission won’t end in the tragedy you think it will.” Another smile, this time more hopeful. “Cheer up, Pads. Even though I can’t promise anything, I will probably be back before Christmas. We’ll meet up at Lily and James’s as usual?”
The question is completely unexpected and leaves a sour feeling in Sirius’s throat. Remus doesn’t realize that he has touched upon a vulnerable spot in his eagerness to take Sirius’s thoughts away from him and his mission.
Sirius knows that he should have told Remus about the switch months ago. But he didn’t, and now it’s too late. They haven’t seen their best friends the entire time they’ve been locked in Godric’s Hollow, safe from Voldemort thanks to a Fidelius Charm. Sirius should have been their Secret Keeper, but at the last minute he backed out like a coward in favor of using Peter instead. He still doesn’t know if it was a smart choice or not, but that doesn’t matter now because it’s already been done. He can feel the shame in his stomach, months later, when he remembers how James asked him if they should tell Remus too. Both of them had certainly expected a “yes”, but to James’s surprise and his own, Sirius hesitated.
During the latest months, perhaps in the lonely nights when he lay in their double bed without Remus at his side, an awful, awful suspicion had aroused in Sirius’s chest. Remus’s secret missions couldn’t take that much time, could they? What else could he possibly be doing when he was away for weeks? Spending all that time together with Fenrir Greyback and his werewolf pack couldn’t be healthy. What if …? It was an unfinished thought, and it had stayed that way. But as the time went on, Sirius grew more and more suspicious. Remus was supposed to be his best friend, his lover, his partner. How could Sirius suspect him of doing something so loathsome?
As his feelings were in constant conflict with each other, the suspicions didn’t disappear. Sirius was astonished how he over and over again found himself not trusting Remus, the person he previously had trusted the most in the entire world. Maybe that was why he didn’t want Remus to leave - he didn’t want to lose him to the other werewolves, to the wrong side. He had already lost his brother, he couldn’t bear to lose Remus too. It was for the best that Remus didn’t know about the switch because then he wouldn’t have anything to report, Sirius told himself in moments of doubt. He wasn’t sure if he believed it or not.
“Ehum, yeah, I guess”, Sirius says, desperately trying to sound like his normal self. “Maybe I’ll ask Pete to come live here for a while, if that’s okay with you.”
Remus nods encouragingly. “Absolutely. That would do you both good.”
Sirius knows that he won’t ask Peter anything at all, but he keeps up the charade to keep Remus happy. That’s all that matters.
“I’ll miss you”, he says, in an attempt to delay Remus’s departure as long as he can.
“I’ll miss you too, Sirius”, Remus echoes as he tucks Sirius’s hair behind his ears.
Hearing his name on Remus’s lips makes Sirius shudder, and suddenly he wants to get closer to him.
“Moony-”, he begins, but is interrupted by a kiss.
Sirius returns the kiss before his mind even registers what’s happening, and when it does, he rises up and takes Remus with him. Remus’s lips part to make place for Sirius’s tongue, and when their tongues finally meet it feels like Sirius is whole again.
Remus doesn’t want to be the one to end their kiss, but he has to. He needs to go, whether he likes it or not. Or maybe whether Sirius likes it or not would be more correct in that case. When Remus draws back from the kiss, a disappointed noise escapes Sirius’s mouth, and Remus wants to kiss him again and tell him that everything is going to be okay. But it’s not, and he cannot.
“I really need to go now, Sirius”, Remus says, trying his best to ignore the hurt look on Sirius’s face. “I’m sorry.”
Sirius laughs, and it’s a joyless sound that makes Remus uncomfortable.
“Don’t be, it’s for the greater good, right?” he says with a strange flash in his eyes. Remus doesn't like it. He doesn’t like it at all. “It’s selfish of me to keep you here.”
“No, not at all”, Remus reassures him. “I keep looking for reasons to stay longer and you keep giving me them. If anything, we both are at fault.”
Sirius doesn’t laugh again, but Remus can see a smirk on his face, even if it’s barely there.
“Yeah, I guess we are”, he says.
After that, none of them can find anything to add to the conversation. Remus gets his coat and puts it on. It’s an old coat, filled with holes, but as broke twenty one year olds neither of them has any money to spend on buying a new one.
Remus turns around to leave, but Sirius stops him.
“Wait, I’ll follow you down”, he says, and begins searching for his jacket.
Remus both loves him and hates him for dragging their goodbye out. The longer they spend postponing it, the more it’s going to hurt when they actually have to say goodbye.
“Found it!” Sirius exclaims excitedly and puts on his leather jacket over the T-shirt.
They walk out of the apartment in silence, not touching each other but still finding solace in the other one’s company. This is one of the things Remus loves the most about Sirius. As he realizes this, Remus suddenly feels like he can’t leave without telling him this.
“I-”, he begins, but when Sirius stops right there on the staircase, he loses his courage. “It can wait until we get out.”
Fortunately, Sirius accepts this answer and they continue down until they reach the hallway. Remus takes the lead and brings them to the courtyard. A single street light is shining, and they walk over to it to stand in its light to see each other properly.
“It’s a fine night”, Sirius remarks, even though Remus is already freezing in the cold October eve. “Maybe I’ll take a ride on my bike after you’ve left.”
“Please don’t”, Remus says quickly. “Or if you absolutely have to, at least keep it on the ground.”
“Yes, professor”, Sirius says jokingly.
Remus rolls his eyes and laughs, but stops when he catches a glimpse of a tear running down Sirius’s cheek. Is he crying again?
“I love you, Sirius”, Remus says. “We’ll see each other on Christmas, okay?”
After a moment of hesitation, Sirius nods. Then he kisses Remus, and for several minutes they stand there making out under the street light. Sometimes no words are needed to express a feeling, and this is one such time. As their lips eagerly press against each other, Remus allows himself to enjoy the moment. He puts all his feelings into the kiss - his love, his hate, his fears, his suspicions. And he expect Sirius does it too. They are two parts of a whole, shining in the spotlight of the other one’s eyes.
“Stay safe, Moony”, Sirius says when they part.
Nothing more. Is he waiting for a Death Eater colleague to come and visit, is that why he is so eager for Remus to leave? With great effort, Remus manages to push those thoughts away.
“Sir-”, he begins, but can’t finish.
Sirius smiles, and perhaps Remus is only imagining it, but there is a sadness to him, like he knows something Remus doesn't.
“Go off, then”, he says, and Remus can’t do much else than obey.
He takes one last look at Sirius and memorizes him the way he is now, before apparating away, leaving Sirius alone there under the street light.