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“Miss Granger, please step to the side. We need to take Mr Snape to Azkaban.”
“On whose authority? Who are you?”
“On the authority of the Minister of Magic, Miss. I am Auror Beetle. My colleague is talking to Deputy Headmistress McGonagall as we speak.”
“Madam Pomfrey would have advised you against moving Headmaster Snape in his current state, especially to a place like Azkaban. Of which Minister are you speaking? Voldemort’s puppet Thicknesse?”
“Interim Minister Umbridge was kind enough to—”
“What the fuck—”
“Miss Granger, I will forgive you this impertinence by ascribing it to your delicate female nature, distressed by the horrors of war.”
“… I wonder how Madam Umbridge is coping with all these responsibilities, then, considering the fragility of her sex?”
“Oh, exceptions, Miss Granger, exceptions. Interim Minister Umbridge is of a special kind of disposition.”
“… Indeed…”
“All Death Eaters are rounded up for questioning for their upcoming trials. We are only following protocol. Please let us do our work.”
“You can hardly question an unconscious man.”
“In the case of Mr Snape, there is enough proof of his crimes for a sentence to the Dementor’s Kiss. His state of consciousness, or lack thereof, will hardly matter.”
“Headmaster Snape deserves to defend himself in a fair trial.”
“My dear Miss Granger, forgive me, but a lovely little schoolgirl like yourself does not understand matters of the law. Rest assured, we will ensure Mr Snape’s case is handled with the utmost care.”
“Indeed…”
“Look at it as a kindness. His trial is essentially a done deal, and Mr Snape will be blissfully unaware of what is happening to him in his current condition. Dire as it seems, he will die quickly, which is a far better fate than the one his colleagues are about to face. I would not know firsthand, of course, but it is quite gruesome to watch.”
“Indeed…”
“Now, Miss Granger, this has been going on long enough. Step aside so I can levitate Mr Snape out of the hospital wing, or I will be forced to use more uncomfortable means.”
“Touch him, and you’ll learn exactly what is worse than death.”
“Miss Granger—”
“Stupefy! Metamorphosis! I am deeply sorry, but my delicate female nature couldn’t handle the sheer amount of utter nonsense. The distress it caused this lovely little schoolgirl has been too much. Accio jar… Ah, there it is. Forgive me, please. The former resident has left a bit of a mess. How rude. Tergeo! If your colleague turns out to be as charming as you, you’ll get a little roommate. Doesn’t this sound wonderful, Auror Beetle?”
Outstanding! Fifty points to Gryffindor for effectively dealing with a first-rate dunderhead, Miss Granger.
“… Headmaster, you are awake. How fortunate. There is a trial that needs preparation. Given I am now deemed competent in dealing with dunderheads by the resident expert and have successfully handled a sadistic toad in the past, can I assume you will let me work on your case?”
Obviously.