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Sometimes, the feeling of heartbreak doesn't crop up as soon as you're not together. It didn't for you, you remember pulling away in your car feeling empty and numb but not heartbroken. You remember thoughts whizzing throughout your mind, and gripping the steering wheel too tight.
The feeling blossoms one night, when you suddenly jerk awake in the middle of the night. The moonlight spills on the covers over your legs, the only sound in your small apartment being the tick tick tick of the clock in the hallway, and you are suddenly crushed with the force of a thousand harsh slaps to the face. Maybe not literally, but it feels like it anyways.
You grit your teeth. You didn't expect for it to hit so suddenly. You knew it was coming, considering it's only been a couple weeks, but...You didn't expect it to hurt so much. You cry out, a hand slamming against your chest and wrinkling your t-shirt, where the dull ache was starting to throb. Then, you sob. The tears ensue.
You didn't know what happened to the both of you. One day, you were both happy, and the next he's mumbling, saying that maybe, you two weren't gonna work out. And that was the spark that started the fire that would swallow you whole. It just hadn't gotten to you yet. Until now. Now, the memories of his fond look scanning your face and his shitty but hilarious puns make your chest ache with unbridled longing. Oh, how you missed him. The feeling brought up something you had read, how somebody speculated that you had only one soulmate. One chance. You felt like you fucked it up too badly to fix.
You drag your hand over to the side table, picking up your phone and turning on the screen. 5am. Seems like you're not going to sleep any time soon. You slip out of bed, device in hand, and pad to the kitchen. You glance at the hallway mirror on your way, the light from the lamps in the living room giving you just enough light to see how horrid you looked at that moment.
However, despite your puffy eyes, despite the shiny tracks of tears outlining your cheeks, even despite the rings under your eyes from not having as much sleep as you should've...Despite everything, it's still you. You try to hold onto that fact as you trudge to the coffeemaker to make yourself something to get through the day.
You were used to the dreams that woke you-- the nightmares-- but tonight was different. You actually went to bed at a socially-acceptable hour. The dream, however, stopped you from getting the sleep you needed. You remembered smudges of blue, fur lining of a coat under your fingers as you pulled them close...This brings on another attack of sobs. Of course, when you finally try to pick yourself up, he has to spoil it. You push the thought of him out of your mind as you set about making the coffee. Busy hands makes for a busy mind, and you desperately needed one right now.
The phone-- left forgotten on the counter-- vibrated softly. Your eyebrow raised as you closed the lid to your coffeemaker, pressing the button to start it and reaching for your phone. It was a text:
Undyne - 5:05am Today
Heard you scream from our apartment. You ok?
You sighed. Undyne and her girlfriend Alphys were your neighbors, and they had heard about the breakup. In fact, Undyne was the first to know. She was the reason that nobody freaked when you barely came out of your house in these couple of weeks. She helped with damage control, reassuring everyone that you were okay.
You - 5:06am Today
Ye. Just had a bad dream. If you can't go to sleep I'm makin' coffee.
You would appreciate the company, honestly. You hated being alone in the morning, and you knew Undyne required a cup of coffee to function every morning.
Not to mention that the two of you were basically besties. She was intimidating at first, but after hanging around her a couple times and learning what she was about (not to mention that you sorta had a hand in getting her and Alphys together), you were basically sisters. Hopefully, she wouldn't mind if you vented your feelings. You could really use an ear.
Your request was answered by the door opening and closing, and along came Undyne, still in PJ's and her hair done up in a messy bun. It just so happened that the coffee ended up being ready too, so you poured yourselves a cup of coffee and handed her a cup. As she fixed it up the way she liked, she asked, "So. What was the dream about."
It wasn't a question. If one decided to be friends with Undyne, she was always going to be your rock. She was the most dependable being you'd had the pleasure in knowing. Despite her loud personality, she was a great listener and gave wonderful advice. If you had to get a second opinion, it was always from her. Not to mention she would not leave you alone til you told her what was wrong.
You stirred your coffee as you sat at the table. "...It was about Sans. I don't remember much about it." You mutter weakly. The tears threatened to spring into your eyes, but you blinked them away. Your gaze stayed trained onto your mug.
She sucked air between her teeth in distaste, falling into the seat beside you. You heard the soft clack of the mug hitting the granite. "Yikes. I'm sorry, ______. Looked like it was rough."
You huffed quietly. "I look like shit. I don't understand why I'm all of a sudden feeling full of pity for myself, either, we've been done for two weeks or so. Aren't I supposed to be over him now?"
"Now," Undyne started, you looking up to meet her eyes. "You've also been cooped up in here during that time, too. So it was bound to hit you sooner or later." She shrugged, sipping her coffee. "However, I know exactly what you need to get over him. A night out."
You laughed bitterly, looking at her with amusement. You hated social interaction, it was the reason you hated work and you hated going out in public in general. And here was she, telling you to go out and do the exact thing you despised. "Undyne, I--"
"What you need to do is go find a peice of arm candy, get a little tipsy, and have a good time. You'll forget him, bud. You just need some time to find some love somewhere else."
You paused, soaking in her words. She placed her now empty (you swore it was full two seconds ago) mug on the counter and clapped your shoulder, smiling toothily.
"Trust me. I'm right on this. Now, lemme get back before Al freaks out about me not being there."
As she left, you picked up your phone and searched up nearby bars to go to that night. Maybe, she was right. Besides, what could it hurt?
---
You felt like a million bucks. You were dressed in your favorite outfit, something that was equal parts comfortable and amazing on your figure. The closest bar was monster catering but also accepted humans like yourself, and it had some weird sounding name that you couldn't pronounce (and didn't dare to try, knowing you'd butcher it.) You made a beeline for the bar, quickly ordering a drink (Vodka, which always gave you a slight buzz when you had a shot and you ordered three) and trying to relax.
So many people were around you. You always got nervous in crowded spaces such as these, but, to your pleasure, the drinks had arrived. Once you gulped them down, you immediately felt more relaxed. Ah...Yes, the amazing effects of booze. You smiling dumbly to yourself.
Sometime during the night, you found a cute looking fawn monster, with pretty eyes that lured you in. You danced with her all night, and when the bar started to close, you went to her place...
At least you weren't a virgin, right?
Finally ending up at your apartment after your long walk of shame, you saw Undyne sitting on your couch in your apartment. Despite wanting to walk into your room and sleep the day away, you eventually decided that soothing the worried line between her eyebrows was more important.
"Where were you?!" She yelled as she stood, making your head pound. You shushed her, glaring daggers. Her tone lessened in decibel. "You didn't come home last night. I thought you were dead! You didn't answer your phone."
You send her an apologetic smile. "Sorry. Got really drunk. Spent the night with a nice deer monster. It was really great. Everything ok now?"
"That's not what I meant when I said to get you some arm candy and get tipsy. I meant go out dancing and come home, not get drunk and have a one night stand!" She retorted. "That shit isn't healthy!"
You rolled your eyes. "It was a one time thing, 'Dyne. I doubt I'll do it again after this hangover. Speaking of my hangover, I should really go lie down," You added. "I'll talk to you later."
Undyne shook her head, but left you alone as you walked to your room.
---
Well, you lied.
The outing went from being only one time, to two times a month, to three times a week, and often you ended up taking somebody home or waking up in somebody's bed. It was fun, it wasn't hurting you! You were a grown-up, you would do whatever you want. Your decision.
You weren't going out tonight, though. You were invited over to Undyne's to watch a movie with her, Alphys, Frisk, and Papyrus. You were excited, actually. They were playing a new Disney film that came out on DVD recently and you're pretty sure you haven't watched it yet. You loved Disney, too, so this was priority.
Undyne was still mad at you, and had actually suggested that you come over tonight. She always tried to pull you away from your little fantasy, of the whirlwind of drinks and meaningless sex, from the lack of feelings and the numbing of your broken heart. You continually reassured her that you were fine, that this didn't hurt, but a part of you knew that this wasn't good for you. If you didn't stop this, you were going to regret it. But you didn't stop. You didn't want to. If you did, it would mean that the fire was going to engulf you. You had no idea if you would come out unscathed.
You hoped Sans wouldn't be brought up while you hung out at Undyne's. While Papyrus was okay with you despite the break up, you knew he thought the world of his brother (and deep inside, you agreed). However, he was still the childlike spirit you adored. Maybe he would be too attentive to the movie to say anything.
You heard his screeching long before you walked through the door. Frisk, upon seeing you, smiled wide and waved in greeting. Undyne herself was nowhere to be found, and Alphys was setting up the DVD player.
"NOW CAN WE WATCH THE MOVIE, UNDYNE?" Papyrus begged, turning his head towards the door leading to the kitchen. Oh. So that's where she went.
Said fish woman walked in with a huge bowl of popcorn. Her eyes glanced at you, hardening a little, but she still looked cheerful to the untrained eye. "Yeup." She drawled, grabbing a handful of popcorn and pushing it into her mouth. Through her full mouth, she bellowed, "Dibs on the couch!"
She practically barreled into the cushions, narrowly avoiding a mess with the bowl of food as she held it out of range of her almost-bullet-speed flying. Frisk themselves barely avoided an injury by her, though they laughed it off. Maybe they were used to it? They did hang out often. Then again, that can't be something that happened a lot, right...?
You chuckled to yourself, settling on the floor in front of the couch. Frisk's feet dangled beside your head. You looked up at them, flashing a smile. Nowadays, it felt forced, but nobody saw through it and didn't ask questions. However, once Frisk saw it, their gaze grew soft. Like they knew you were faking.
You brushed off the feeling and faced towards the TV. After the disk was put in and the lights were turned off, your little troupe gathered around the couch. The bowl of popcorn was barely on the couch, teetering and threatening to make a mess during the entire movie. It was bound to tip, considering all hands were grabbing at it.
Kernels scattered across the floor, under the couch, and the table. Papyrus let out an anguished whine, as if it was the worst thing in the world. You reassured them you'd grab more. You stood and walked into the kitchen, already familiar with the layout. You pulled out the bags of popcorn and put them in the microwave, leaning back on the counter.
Frisk came in after a couple of seconds, messing with their sweater sleeves. You looked over once you realized their presence. "Oh, hey Frisk! Popcorn's almost done!" You told them, rolling back into a normal stance.
Frisk didn't meet your eyes immediately, but when they did, they looked apprehensive. Their mouth opened and closed, as if they wanted to say something. That alone would have shocked you, since the preteen prefers to sign. You wait for them to talk on their own. The silence fills the room, permeating your ears and roughly interrupted by the beeping by the microwave. You pulled open the door, taking the bags out.
"_____, did...You and Sans break up...?"
You sucked in a reeeaallly tense breath. God, were they perceptive. Your fingers dug into the bags, the heat stinging your skin lightly.
"...We did. Wasn't my decision. It was his."
"That makes no sense, he loved you, why would he sto--"
You whipped around, your voice tipped with poisonous venom. "He just did, okay?!"
The words themselves felt like knives pulling through your throat, admitting it out loud like that. You didn't want to think he didn't love you anymore. Accepting it meant that there was no going back. You wanted to cry. You wanted to scream at Frisk for bringing it up. Instead, you just...Sighed, tossing the bags into the bowl.
Frisk looked scared at how you reacted, eyes wide. "Still...He seems so upset nowadays. There isn't a day he doesn't go to Grillby's. Maybe if you just talked to him..." A tentative hand reached out towards you, as if asking you if you wanted comfort, but you just ignored it. God, you needed a drink. Something to eat. A night out.
"Sorry, Frisk." You mumbled, briskly walking towards the Living Room. "I just...Can't do this right now."
With that, you strode out of the apartment. You could hear Pap's confused yelling and Undyne calling after you, and a silent Frisk followed you to the door and watched as you ran down the hall, turning the corner and leaving their sight.
---
Frisk, although seemingly too young to know anything, knew when somebody was hurting.
They saw it a lot with Sans in the days following the breakup. They only saw him in passing, but even then they could tell that smile was faked. They could tell that gait had too much oomph in it for it to be his usual, lazy walking. As if he was forcing it to be lazy. Even his voice sounded too tense to be his own.
They knew that this was something that they couldn't fix or help. It was up to you and Sans to fix each other, but they barely saw you, and Sans was hardly at home. He was constantly at Grillby's, or work, or somewhere. And it was getting worse everyday, Papyrus even said that Sans barely left his room. He was worried about him, too.
Frisk could only hope that you two would find each other and, in time, would fix yourselves.
---
It was another night out. After leaving the bar you usually hit up with your fuckbuddy for the night (some sort of tree elemental who overshadowed you in height), they suggested going to get something to eat before going to their place. You agreed, listening to the gurgling of your stomach and deciding that some sustenance would hit the spot.
He pulled you into--wow, another bar! Except this one also had an area to sit and eat, along with a dance floor. You and your pal slid into a booth. You looked over the menu, even though it was pretty scarce. Only burgers and fries. Or both. You were probably going to get both.
"Hey -hic-, c-could you go get the ordersss?" They (you already forgot their name) asked, nervously glancing at the bar. A man of fire stood at it, tending to the patrons sitting in their stools. So that's why it was so warm, you assumed.
"SSsuree! Tell me what y-you -hic- want and I'll get iiiit bud!" You happily replied.
Orders rallied up, you walked in your drunken stupor to the bar. You tapped the bar, flashing a friendly (and probably wider than acceptable) smile towards the guy.
"Hey! Can we get a double order of burgers and fries?" You asked cheerfully. You were always borderline cheerleader-y peppy when you were drunk. You had no idea why. You were too much of a dramatic person to be anything but when under the influence.
He nodded and you sat at the bar as he went to the kitchen. You looked around, getting your bearings. Something about this place was really familiar, but parts of you memory seemed closed off at this time. Huh. Nothing was coming to mind, though you were very sure you've been here before--
Wow, that guy was fast. He came back sooner than you thought with two plates of food, the scent of it making your mouth water. You thanked him and paid as you walked back to your table, giving your partner their plate and digging into yours. The fries were super crisp, the burger was superb-- you needed to come here more often. You licked ketchup off your fingers as a particularly upbeat song started to play.
"'Mmmmm gonna go dance a bit, take your time buddy." You said to your friend, who looked like they were about to pass out at the table. You didn't notice, and jogged over to the crowd dancing over on the floor.
That was about the time Sans walked in.
At first, he didn't notice you. He walked up to the bar and slumped onto it and didn't notice you dancing (clumsily, but with a sort of drunken grace) and sashaying your hips to the beat. Once the firey bartender saw Sans, he immediately pulled out a bottle of hot sauce from under the table and slid it over to the skeleton. Without missing a beat, Sans unbottled the condiment and started drinking it, sighing at the burning in his throat. On nights like these, monsters like him needed something strong, and sadly he couldn't drink alcohol without it doing something to his magic.
You, however, lost yourself in the music, shutting your eyes and letting yourself be taken over by the beats that synced with your pulse and the lyrics that cooed to your soul. You were having a blast, without a care in the world. You even found yourself a partner, some tall, lanky dude who saw you dancing and decided you were drunk enough to dance next to.The way you both were dancing, it wouldn't be a surprise if he ended up taking you home tonight. And you'd let him, just to go another night without nightmares.
This fate, however, would never come to pass. Sans glanced towards the crowd, noting to himself that you'd love this kind of music. At the thought, he took another swig of his drink. You were the reason he came here. His home had too many memories, and he was too lazy to move on from you. He'd rather wallow in his self pity. But after looking at the crowd again and seeing you pressed up against some random guy...
Oooh, he was glad he decided to come to Grillby's.
He nearly broke the glass bottle when he slammed it against the counter. There you were, arms up and dangerously close to some guy. Sans could tell you weren't all there-- if your hazy look wasn't a sign, it was the way you danced. You looked like you didn't care where your limbs moved, as long as they did. The person, however, seemed almost too sober. His hungry eyes were glued to your wobbling form, as if you were a piece of meat. It made Sans want to fling him into the wall. He almost did. He knew it wasn't his business, you weren't his anymore, but he knew that you didn't come here with him and you most definitely weren't leaving with him, either.
He tried his best to weave through the dancers to where you were, and calmly turned the guy to face him. Already his left iris was beginning to flash blue.
"heh, sorry, pal. i need to talk to them for a moment."
Too caught up in your dancing, you were violently yanked by a bony hand as you were tugged towards the bar. There was a short pause as the guy that was pulling you talked to the bartender. After, your stomach lurched and suddenly the cold wintry air of the night graced your fevered skin. Iy made you sober up enough to look at who brought you out here.
Sans.
Your blood ran cold, and your face paled. Oh shit.
He pushed a water bottle into your hands. "drink. you'll thank me in the mornin'."
You took it carefully, unscrewing the cap and sipping the liquid. As water always does, it tasted like nothing but cold and something distinctly earthy. You didn't even realized how parched you were, tipping your head back to let the liquid slosh down your throat.
"whoa there, hun." You heard Sans chuckle, grabbing the bottle by the bottom and pulling it down. "don't drink it all up like that. you'll get sick."
You looked up quizzically at him, hands still latched to the cold plastic. You were sure that the bottle was about half empty now. That's not the only thing you were sure about either. The inquisitive look turned to stubbornness.
"What..In the world do youuu want?" You slurred. You looked cute when you were mad/drunk, Sans thought to himself. The way your mouth pouted and the exaggerated eyebrow shapes made him want to laugh. However, he kept this expression stony to some extent.
"some guy was takin' advantage of you. he prolly woulda hurt you if you let him keep dancin' with you like that." He defended, stuffing his hand into his jacket pockets. He wouldn't let himself think that he was doing it because he was jealous...Though he would admit that it was one of the reasons.
"So?" You scoffed in rebuttal. "I was having fun. Nothing that you should be concerned with."
He chuckles lightly, tilting his head at you. "trust me, it doesn't rattle my bones as muhc as you would like it to. i was just looking out for you." The first part was a lie, he knew, but he was a good liar and you were too drunk to notice. That made him feel all the more worse when your face fell.
You looked down at your drink, mumbling out an "Oh." in response. Maybe you wanted him to be jealous. Maybe you wanted one small sign that he still loved you.
Anger boiled in your gut. No. If he wanted you to know that, he shouldn't have let you go.
"It doesn't matter." You reply coldly, mostly to yourself but it was loud enough for it to be directed at Sans. "You had no right to come after me like that. Maybe I wanted him to take advantage of me. He still has more of me than you're ever going to get, Sans."
You stomped towards Grillby's again, missing the forlorn expression on Sans' face as you chugged the rest of your water and pushed the doors open.
He found himself saying the words he never thought he'd get the courage to say again. "_____, please...We need to talk."
"Not right now."
Even he could feel the ice seething in that response as you walked back into the bar.
---
Last night was a blur, but everything after the point where Sans took you outside was clear. After you walked back inside, your friend was passed out and the guy was getting chewed out by Grillby so you just decided to go home. You were too emotionally and physically spent to do anything else, and god were you tired. It was also pretty late by the time you reached your apartment. You checked your phone once you got in the door, seeing a couple texts from Papyrus and Undyne and a missed call from Undyne. You tapped on the messages and read through them.
Undyne - 9:23pm Yesterday
dude you just left for no reason are you okay
Undyne- 9:26pm Yesterday
frisk looks hella worried what happened
Undyne- 9:35pm Yesterday
oh. they told me. they said they're sorry and didn't mean to hurt you
Missed Call - Undyne 10:05pm
You ended up just turning off your phone and throwing it on the charger. Again, you were too emotionally and physically spent to care. You merely flopped on your bed and slept like a goddamn baby, if you were honestly.
You woke up with a hangover, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. You quietly thanked Sans for his forward thinking as you sat up in your bed. This had to be the first time in a long time you went to bed without somebody there. If Undyne were here, she'd be proud.
Theeeen there's pounding on the door.
"NNNGAH! _____! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!"
Hooooooh boy you were in trouble.
You stumbled to your front door, hand fumbling with the knob and finally getting it open to reveal...
Sans?
Undyne was behind him, grinning like a maniac.
"He called me up and asked if you were here. That you guys needed to talk."
"well, uh, more like she pulled me away from my hotdog stand and--"
"Shut up Sans," She glared down at him, before directing it at you. "Talk. Now."
She left for her apartment as you both stood there awkwardly. Your head was pounding from how loud she was earlier still, and in no way were you up for fixing things with your ex-boyfriend. Your fingers curled around the doorknob to shut it in his face before he sighed.
"we...do need to talk. can i come in?"
You regarded him with a judging stare. Honestly, he looked like a mess. There were stains all over his hoodie. His bones, well the ones you could see, were an off white. It looked like he barely got up the entire time you two were broken up. Something about that made your look soften and let him in.
Please, you thought to yourself. Please don't let this be a bad choice.
He shambled into your living room and flopped onto the couch, patting the cushion beside him. You sat as far away as you could manage, folding your hands in your lap. You were still in the clothes you were last night, you noted. Were you too tired to take them off?
"so it goes without saying that me breaking up with you was a pretty shitty idea." Sans starts off, looking away. His eyes widened and he took a long breath in. "i heard from undyne you were okay for the first couple of weeks, but she suggested that maybe you should go out and...it got out of hand." He laughed at himself, at how hesitant he was being. Like he didn't want the words to come out of his mouth. That meant they were true, didn't they? You didn't exactly deny, just looked down at your hands. "i would've done the same thing but i'm just too lazy, huh?"
You hands balled into fists. Just him in your presence made you want to cry. God, how you missed him. Missed his voice. Missed his touch. You couldn't help yourself, you let yourself sob. "I-I...No, that doesn't-- That does not excuse me for what I did." You admitted, trying to keep your voice from cracking. It broke his heart to see you so upset. "I did it once and thought it was okay and then I did it again and thought it wouldn't hurt to do it more and..." You pulled in a shaky breath, tears falling onto the back of your hands. "You have no idea how much it hurt, Sans. No. Idea."
You felt the touch of his phalanges pressing into your shoulder. That alone was enough to send you reeling into your sobs again, looking up at him with teary eyes and a shaky bottom lip (you hated crying just because that happened. it made you look like you were two.) He looked down at you fondly, sadness creasing his eyebrows.
"_____, i dunno what i was doing. i...i broke up with you because i thought you deserved better. i mean, who wants a dusty bag o' bones like me?" He humorlessly chuckled. "but, after these past weeks, i've started to realize that maybe...maybe i need you."
The last part was said so soft, you almost weren't able to hear it. Your hand found his, the warmth covering his fingers like a blanket. You glanced down at your feet before returning it to his face.
"I remember reading this theory once," You began, "Where somebody said, instead of getting multiple soulmates, you only get one. That's the person you end up staying with until you get old and all. I thought I could love somebody else like that, and I went out chasing it like I was hot on its heels, but I know now I was getting colder and colder on the trail. I don't care what you look like, Sans. I love you just the way you are. You...I would go as far as to say that you're my One. I'll be damned if I let you slip through my fingers that easy again."
He chuckled at your pun, twining his fingers with yours. "All that for a pun?"
"Nah. I meant that all. I love you Sans." You murmured, leaning over to kiss his cheekbone. "Never doubt that."
"I love you, too. Let's not do something this stupid ever again."