Chapter Text
Sirius Black is eleven-years-old when he comes to the undeniable conclusion that he would always be alone. This is, of course, excluding his younger brother Regulus' presence in his life because Regulus is smitten with Sirius and Sirius is happy to return that love tenfold. This also excludes his cousins—the ones he likes—Narcissa, Andromeda, and sometimes Bellatrix. This does not exclude his parents. Sirius hates his parents.
He hates it even more when they pretend to fawn over him, buttoning up a tight dress shirt, straightening his pants, popping his collar back in place, smoothing his curls over with gel. It's something that Sirius had come to hate over the years. He hates it when Walburga combs his hair gently and tucks a stray strand behind his ear. He hates it when Orion stands with that faux-proud look on his face. He hates it because he knows it means he must impress them. He must maintain the well-respected name of the House of Black. It's a lot of pressure to put on an eleven-year-old boy who doesn't have any control over his life yet. He doesn't know for certain that he'll be placed in Slytherin like they want him to be. But he knows what will happen if he isn't. He's had it hanging over his head for about six years now.
As Sirius is about to board the train, the one that will cart him away from his home, he feels a set of chubby arms wrap around his waist.
"I'm going to miss you so much. You'll write me, won't you? You promised that you would. You won't forget about me?" Regulus' voice is timid, the way it's always been, and Sirius almost breaks right there and then once he sees the dancing glimmer of tears in his little brother's waterline.
Sirius crouches down on his knees and puts a hand to Regulus' face. "I would never forget about you. And I never break my promises. As soon as I'm settled in my dorm, I'll write you and have my owl deliver it posthaste."
Regulus pouts. "I don't like your owl. He's very mean."
"Piggy isn't mean, Reg, he's just... finnicky. He'll be trained well soon, I promise."
Regulus pouts harder.
"Reg..."
Regulus lets a single tear escape his eye.
"Oh, Reggy..." Sirius, against his better nature, envelops Regulus in a bear hug. He knows their parents are watching them. He knows he can't afford to get Regulus in any trouble, not while Sirius can't be there to protect him. But he hugs his baby brother like he can't afford to let go and stifles a dry sob into his brother's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Reggy. I'll be home faster than you know, and you'll come to school with me in no time. You just have to be good until I come back, got it?" Sirius moves away and wipes the tears from his brother's cheeks. "You can be good while I'm gone, can't you?"
"... Y-yes..." Regulus hiccups.
"Good... good. I-" The train whistle blows.
Sirius glances to his parents whose eyes are locked on himself and Regulus. They glare daggers at the pair and Sirius knows it's time to go. Regulus clings to his robes and whines where only Sirius can hear. Sirius feels his heart break just a bit more once he's got his bags in front of him on the steps and those glass doors close; a transparent barrier between himself and his baby brother. He feels his chest go cold as Regulus walks, jogs, runs, and sprints after the train once the wheels finally start moving forward, towards Hogwarts. Sirius can't manage to stop the tear that falls from his lashes as he watches Regulus collapse to the dirty station floor, their parents looming behind him like dark shadows. And then they're all gone. And Sirius takes a breath, clears his throat, and composes himself. He must be good. He must be perfect. He must be a Black.
Sirius shuffles past a few carts that are brimming with kids his age and older. He wants a cart that's empty, a place where he can clear his head and watch the scenery from a window seat. Finally, a few yards from the doors he'd walked through to board the train, there lay a completely empty booth with more room than he could possibly know what to do with.
Sirius shoves his baggage into the storage cubby and seats his owl, Pig, across from him. There is finally silence. There is finally peace. He watches mountains and trees and fields zip past him, he sees a pond with lily pads and deer, and there was even a cloud that looked similar to a dog. So much to see. So much to miss. Sirius had brought a small bag into the cart with him and rummaged through it for a moment before he pulled out an old French poetry book.
One of Regulus' favorite poems lay forever bookmarked by a small paper serpent. Sirius didn't understand why Regulus was so enraptured with this one in particular, but just seeing the worn edges of the book, the faded corners of this page, twiddled to nothing by Regulus' fingers, made Sirius feel just a bit better.
He reads the passage aloud to himself: "Le Dormeur du Val," he begins, slowly so that he might savor the words on his tongue.
"C’est un trou de verdure où chante une rivière
Accrochant follement aux herbes des haillons
D’argent; où le soleil de la montagne fière,
Luit; C’est un petit val qui mousse de rayons.
Un soldat jeune bouche ouverte, tête nue,
Et la nuque baignant dans le frais cresson bleu,
Dort; il est étendu dans l’herbe, sous la nue,
Pale dans son lit vert où la lumière pleut.
Les pieds dans les glaïeuls, il dort. Souriant comme
Sourirait un enfant malade, il fait un somme:
Nature, berce-le chaudement: il a froid.
Les parfums ne font plus frissonner sa narine;
Il dort dans le soleil, la main sur sa poitrine
Tranquille. Il a deux trous rouges au coté droit."
Once he's finished, Sirius wipes his eyes so he doesn't cry. He's about to close the book when the doors to his cart slam open and a boy comes tumbling through the gap. Behind him are two more, one looking particularly disinterested and the other trying to hold back laughter. The boy who fell looks up at Sirius through massive curls and long eyelashes. His eyes are oakwood and gold and they shimmer behind the brown unruly mess on his head. The boy reaches forward, pads around on the floor for a moment, and clutches a pair of fallen glasses in his hands. He hastily shoves them on his face and sits next to Pig's cage, right across from Sirius. The other two boys file in after him. There's a short one, stubby and a bit round, who squeezes himself next to the first, with muddy blonde hair. He's got round doe-eyes and flushed cheeks. The taller one, slender and coated in starlit freckles, has bright gold eyes with light brown curls resting atop his head. It looks like a halo. He looks like an angel.
"James," says the boy across from Sirius.
"... What?"
"I'm James. Potter. James Potter. This is Peter Pettigrew," the boy, James, gestures to the blonde beside him. "And that's Remus Lupin." He nods to the boy who'd sat elegantly beside Sirius.
"Oh." Sirius acknowledges each of the boys as they're introduced. "Nice to meet you."
Sirius is about to go back to his book, trying desperately not to look at Remus Lupin, the angel beside him, when said angel speaks.
"And you?" Oh, god, his voice is like honey.
Sirius stares blankly before he straightens, closes his book, and blinks a few times. "Sirius Black, of the House of Black."
Remus laughs. It's like nothing Sirius has ever heard before. Bells chiming in a soft breeze, pebbles falling slowly across a moss-blanketed riverside.
"Nice to meet you, Sirius," James says jubilantly. His voice is loud, but for some reason it doesn't bother Sirius as much as he thinks it should. "Sorry for crashing into your private cart, but we couldn't find a single other cart to sit in. Also sorry for interrupting your reading. We sorta overheard you, by the way-"
"You were purposefully putting your ear to the door so you could hear him but okay." Remus interrupts.
"Whatever, whatever, not important, anyways, was that French you were speaking?" James waves Remus off and stares intently at Sirius.
"You were trying to... listen in on me?" Sirius shrinks back from James just a bit, but still answers his question curtly. "Yes, it was French. It's French poetry."
"Do all your lot speak French? The Blacks, I mean."
"Most of us, I guess?"
"That's so neat!" James exclaims. "I only know a couple words in a different language. Are you fluent?"
Sirius is starting to get overwhelmed with all these questions. James just can't seem to stop running his mouth. He's about to snap, to say something mean, when his angel, again, interjects.
"James, you're being annoying. We only just met the bloke, let him be." Remus glanced at him, a small upturn in his lips drawing Sirius' eyes. Sirius made a mental note to ask himself later if he thought marrying a boy would upset his parents.
"Ah," James smiles awkwardly. "Sorry, mate. I just wanted to get to know you. Remus, Peter, and I had some time to talk while we were searching for free carts, but I figured since we invaded yours it'd be rude not to... y'know, get to know you. But sometimes I talk too much and I must've been overdoing it since Remus said so. He's insanely smart, you know. The guy can't help but spout some cool fact every couple of minutes."
Remus gave James a look across the car. James stopped, took in a breath, and then smiled wearily.
"Anyway, I'm sorry."
Sirius furrowed his brow. It was weird to hear someone apologize. To him, of all people. "It's alright. I'm not one for conversation, I guess. I am fluent though." Sirius hadn't forgotten about the earlier question, but had felt more inclined to finally answer James since he apologized for being annoying. "You lot seem to know each other quite well for just having been chatting while looking for empty cars."
Peter shrugged. "Not really. James just likes being friendly, I think."
"Got it in one, Pete!" James shot two finger guns towards Peter and the blonde rolled his eyes in response.
Sirius watched the three interact for the majority of the train ride. He was too nervous to interject or join a conversation. With every passing minute, they got closer to Hogwarts; closer to the Sorting Hat. That stupid hat would dictate how the rest of Sirius' Hogwarts experience would go. Who made that rule anyway? Who decided that a talking hat got to either ruin his life or help it tremendously. Sirius tried to focus on the falcon he was watching out the window, light brown hues of feathers speeding alongside the train with ease. Sirius wished he was a bird. He wished he could fly. He wished he had a flock that would go with him no matter where he went. He wanted that, a family. A real family.
"That's a Kestrel. They can hover for super long periods of time and they can live in tons of different habitats. Bogs, farmland, urban areas... the list goes on. Their diet is also interesting, considering they don't catch their food when they're flying." Remus murmured quietly.
"Really?" Sirius asked out of instinct.
"Mhm. I prefer the Merlin, but Kestrels are pretty cool too. Falcons in general are pretty neat."
"I just want to fly like they do."
"That would be pretty cool. I mean, we get to fly on a broom eventually. That's close enough."
"I guess. I sort of meant... I wish I could be like them."
Remus hummed.
The rest of the train ride was easy, thanks to Remus. He kept giving nature facts out like pennies and Sirius listened intently the whole time. The candy cart came at one point and James paid for chocolate frogs for everyone. Settling into their banter was easier after that. Remus would make an effort to include Sirius, and Sirius would respond the best he could depending on whatever he thought would make them like him more. James was a Potter and, even if the Blacks didn't normally associate with the Potters, it was important to maintain a friendly air with other Pureblood families. That was what Sirius' parents had told him, anyway.
Arriving to Hogwarts, meeting Minerva Mcgonagall and Albus Dumbledore, and filing into the Great Hall in the middle of the room was easy. He'd already been briefed on what Albus was like, what Minerva would say, how the little House game worked, what Hogwart's layout would have in store for him, and where to sit. The only thing Sirius had to worry about now was...
"Woah, that's insane. What do they do when it rains?" James asked, his head staring unblinkingly towards the night sky above them.
"It's bewitched to look like that. It's not real. There's a ceiling up there somewhere. I read about it in a book, Hogwarts: A History." Remus replied cooly.
He knows everything about this place.
"That's Remus," Peter yawned. "Know-it-all-soon-to-be-Head-Boy."
"Don't start," Remus rolled his eyes.
"What? We all know it's true. You're fated to be a Ravenclaw." Peter shrugged.
"What? No!" James exclaimed. "We're all going to be in the same house!"
"You don't know that." Sirius grumbled.
"Well... even if we're not, we can still be friends! Can't we?"
And then silence befell the room. Dumbledore went on his usual rant about the rules that First Years, and everyone else, had to follow. A few reminders and newer rules for everyone. And then... Mcgonagall started calling children up. Sirius felt the blood in his veins freeze to ice. His heart was pounding out of his chest. If James, Peter, and Remus were sorted into a different house than him, he'd have nobody. Absolutely bloody nobody.
James' name was called.
"Of course! Gryffindor!"
This is happening too fast.
Peter was next.
"Must be... Gryffindor!"
Oh God, please no.
Remus gave him a fond glance before he trudged up to the front.
"Hmm..." The hat paused. Maybe this meant- "Gryffindor!"
Please. Please. I'm begging. At least let me have him.
"Sirius Black!" Minerva called. Sirius' legs felt like lead and his ears were ringing, but his body moved on his own. Some Slytherins eyed him up as he passed. He knew a few of them. He ignored the rest.
Sirius took great care not to trip up the short steps. The walk up there had been far too short for his liking. He sat gracefully on the stool and spared Mcgonagall a glance as she placed the Sorting Hat on his shiny curls. Sirius looked towards the Gryffindor table where his car-mates sat, looking up at him with smiles. They expected him to join them, Sirius figured. Maybe the Sorting Hat would grant him mercy and allow such a thought.
"Mr. Black." The hat said, but not aloud. The voice echoed around his head. "I've had many of your lineage before yourself. I assume you want to be placed with the rest of them."
Sirius hesitated. "I... not really. I know that's what everyone expects me to be, but that's not what I want to be."
"Oh?" The hat hummed, interested.
"I... I want to be somewhere else. My friends were all placed in Gryffindor. Maybe you could... put me there?" Sirius pleaded.
The hat paused for a long moment.
"I cannot. I know what lies in your heart. I know where you will be most happy."
"No, no, please, no, I don't want to, I'm not like them, I'm not-"
"Slytherin!" The hat shouted, out loud this time.
The Slytherin table erupted in cheers. Sirius felt the stabbing pain of disappointment in his heart. His entire body went cold as he allowed someone to change his robe colors to silver and green. Serpent's colors. Sirius was going to vomit. His eyes traced over the Slytherin table, scanning for a glimmer of hope. Maybe he would know someone. Maybe he wouldn't have to be alone. But then he was pushed down into a seat, beside some boy he didn't recognize, and he had to hide the way his lower lip trembled with sadness. He only let his head rise when he knew he wouldn't cry. Then he let himself look over the table once more.
His eyes locked with Narcissa. Sirius felt a spark of hope in his chest. She was a little older than him, and was also arranged to be married to Lucius Malfoy—the bastard—but she was somewhat kind. That trait was fleeting in the Black family. Then his eyes locked on Andromeda, sitting not so far from her sister. Sirius thanked whatever God was in the sky because Andromeda was his favorite cousin. She was kinder than her sister. Andy was older than him too and wouldn't be in his year, nor his classes or dorm, but just having her around was good enough. Having them both was good enough. Andromeda gave him a soft smile and waved discreetly. Narcissa raised an eyebrow at her sister, rolled her eyes, and then copied her sister to wave at Sirius. He didn't return the gesture, and he hoped they understood why. To show affection before asserting your place was to show weakness.
The rest of the Sorting Ceremony wrapped up quickly. Sirius hadn't really been paying attention after his own sorting. The Head Boy led the way to their dorm. Sirius didn't care to catch his name. He showed every first year to their dorm and, fortunately, it appeared that Sirius would only have one roommate instead of three, like he'd heard was possible. Sirius was quick to unpack his bags and get everything in its proper place. His clothes were neatly folded in the dresser provided, his parchment and lettering supplies were placed on his desk, and his owl sat beside it in a hanging cage. He gave Pig a treat through the metal bars and sat at his desk with his quill and parchment ready. He promised to write Regulus as soon as he got settled in. He never broke a promise to his baby brother.
Dearest little brother Regulus,
Hello. Hope you're faring alright. I've just gotten settled into my dorm room. No surprises here, but I'm in Slytherin. Yay.
Anyways, hope Mother and Father aren't giving you too much trouble. Cissy and Andy are in Slytherin too, which is good. They'll both be here for your first year as well. It's a good thing too because I'm not sure I've made any friends yet even though I'm the MOST charismatic person in the world. I'm sure you'll have more trouble than me, in any case. Not to worry! I shall help you make friends when you arrive and if anyone gives you shit, I'll send them to Hell with my bare hands.
I hope this letter finds you at a good time so you can write me back quickly. I'm not too fond of this place yet and I miss you very much.
All my love, always and forever, your brother,
Sirius Black
Sirius sealed the letter in and envelope and pressed the wax coating down until it hardened with his family's crest in the center. He rushed to Pig, opening the cage and letting him climb onto his arm. Sirius knew it was past curfew and that he'd be in trouble if he left the dorm, and trouble on his first night spelled his parent's anger. He pressed a hand to his room's door and put the letter in Pig's mouth.
"Deliver this to him as fast as you can, okay Piggy? He needs me. You'll have to figure out some way to get out of here without being caught, but I believe in you. You and I are Slytherins now, after all, and we're known for being sneaky. Go on," Sirius let Pig outside the door and shut it softly once he saw him take flight, letter in beak.
The room was suddenly so much more quiet than before. It made Sirius nervous. Without the trembling metal that followed Pig and his metal cage, the room was almost worse than home. He'd never been so alone. Regulus usually came to sleep in his room and they would often spend hours of the night chatting to each other and trying not to laugh too hard. Kreacher and the other house elves would be cleaning in the corridors, so they were always making noise. His mother and father often fought at the earliest hours of the morning, so that was what usually lulled Sirius and Regulus off to sleep. This, though? This grating silence? It was so much worse.
Sirius threw himself at his bed and heaved a great sigh. He'd have to sleep to wake up early for classes tomorrow. Sirius turned to his right and turned off the dim lantern, dropping his arm off the bed with no energy left to bring it back to him. He was so tired, suddenly. Sirius couldn't even bring himself to pull his blankets up and over his body, and wouldn't even entertain the thought of taking off his robes or putting pajamas on. He reasoned that it would be easier to get ready for tomorrow's day if he already had his clothes and robes on. Just as Sirius was drifting off to sleep, he could have sworn he heard his dorm room open quietly and shut again. He could have sworn he heard shuffling, soft footsteps, and rustling of bedsheets. He could have sworn that there was another voice.
But, then again, he'd been seeing things a lot more recently. Hearing things too. And the noise helped him sleep anyway, so he didn't even glance up. Sirius just let his eyes close and allowed his thoughts to trail off into a meaningless nothing he was all too familiar with.