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“You would ask him to change course, to forgo the Vulcan path?” Sarek’s voice was cold but Jim did not flinch back. He would not answer the man’s stoicism with his own. He felt rabid. Like always he craved a fight. The violence in his blood, demanding he not back down.
“I’m not asking him to change!” Jim’s voice was getting loud. Loud and emotional. Incredibly unbecoming of a Vulcan. Lucky for him he is human. He is human and he is furious. He was sure that it showed but neither Sarek or Amanda showed any sign of discomfort. “But I am also not asking him to be something he is not!” He’s shouting now and he didn’t think he would ever be able to stop. Every ounce of frustration, being poured out at the Ambassador and his wife.
“You,” he pointed accusingly at Sarek but he would not leave Amanda out of his war path. “Both of you have deemed him a Vulcan, ignoring his human side,” he turned to face Amanda more fully before continuing. “Unless it suits you to do otherwise all the while he is suffering.” The memory of Spock’s eyes. His beautiful eyes going dark with apathy brought a fresh wave of rage. Who was Jim Kirk to deny Spock’s right of ascension?
Spock chose the path Kohlinahr.
Spock chose to purge all feelings.
Spock chose to leave Jim.
It was like his brain couldn’t compute that fact. It was like his soul was screaming out at the unjust reality before him. His heart was broken.
And suddenly it wasn’t rage filling him. It was agony. Grief at the loss of the man he loved. The man he loved who he never even confessed his feelings for. Jim Kirk - federation playboy - unable to speak his true feelings to the only one that mattered.
He didn’t even realize he was sobbing until a set of thin arms wrapped around him, pulling him into a hug he could do nothing to resist. The moment he had been told what Spock was doing. What Spock had already done. He rushed to the nearest port and took off for Vulcan on the next available flight.
“-going to be alright” A reassuring voice broke through his despair. And there was one thing he knew for certain. Without Spock?
Nothing would ever be alright.
***
It has been three hours since he landed on Vulcan. Jim’s display towards his hosts did not warrant him getting kicked off the planet. Rather Amanda had corralled him into a guest bedroom and demanded he join them for dinner once he got himself cleaned up. It was in the middle of a very silent and extremely awkward dinner that one of the servants, T’Laie, announced that S'haile Spock was at the gate and on his way to the house.
Jim ran towards the front door. Sarek and Amanda were quick to follow him, though they did not match his haste.
Seeing Spock standing before him all he could feel was anger. Anger that the other man would leave without a word. Anger that despite everything they had been through Spock would just leave as if it meant nothing. As if Jim meant nothing.
His throat burned.
The shock of his son’s return did not show on Sarek’s face as he greeted Spock from the entryway. He was mindful to not get in between Spock and his former Captain. Sarek was not such a fool when it came to the complexities of human emotion. Especially when those emotions involved a very stubborn Vulcan. He turned to Amanda and held out his fingers and with a knowing look she set her fingers along his as she spoke.
“We will leave you two to catch up.” She turned a stern look upon her son before continuing to speak. “But we will be having a discussion about everything soon.” She turned to Jim. Her son’s sweet and hopelessly clueless, smitten friend and she smiled.
Her husband followed obediently after her.
Now left alone Jim did not hesitate to get close to Spock. Spock did not back away. He would not shy from the other man. He had promised Jim long ago that he would never begrudge the Captain his emotions nor would he ignore them. The anger radiating off of Jim unexpectedly matches his own.
He had felt when Jim had entered the atmosphere. He felt the pull towards his other half as Jim entered the boundaries of ShiKahr. Spock did not know what he was doing here.
“What are you doing here?”
“Why are you here?”
They both questioned simultaneously.
Jim did not break his eye contact with Spock as he stepped even closer. Their toes are practically touching and Jim felt like he was on fire. This was the opportunity he needed. The opportunity he had cried all over Amanda, and Bones, and to his mom about missing. He was not one to pass up a second chance.
“I came here to tell you that I love you.” Spock’s eyes widened at the confession which gave Jim the courage he needed to continue. “I came to yell at you about leaving starfleet- no that’s a lie.” Spock deserved the truth, even if it meant Jim being rejected. He had to tell him everything.
“I came to yell at you about leaving me without so much as a goodbye. I had to find out from Admiral Komack , who by the way I punched and am now suspended for who cares how long, and that not only had you left Starfleet but that you were undergoing a ritual to purge all of your emotions!” He brought up his finger to point accusatory at Spock but he realized they were too close for it to even matter. He grabbed the front of his robe, curling his hands into a fist. “I came to tell you that I love you, every part of you, emotions both human and vulcan that make you who you are and-and” he was losing control of his emotions but that mattered little. All that mattered was making Spock understand. Getting Spock to listen. “And that I’m sorry it took you leaving for me to tell you I’m in love with you and even if you don’t love me back that won’t change how I feel.”
The silence that followed was long, but neither of them were willing to break the space between them. Spock brought his hand to cover Jim’s that were still gripping his robe. His ritual robe that he had technically stolen from the temple. He was not supposed to leave isolation for another three cycles but he had failed. He had felt the call of his captain and he had answered.
He brought his other hand to cup Jim’s cheek and wiped away some of the tears. His captain in all of his rage and sorrow was still the most beautiful person in the universe. He brought their foreheads together, letting his shields drop and feeling Jim’s turbulent emotions he knew what he needed to do.
“Pasalk was always the admiral most deserving of being punched in the face.” He hoped there was security footage of the incident. He would have it framed. At Jim’s responding laugh he wrapped his arm around the others waist, putting their bodies flush against each other. Staring into Jim’s eyes he knew he had made a mistake in ever thinking he could leave. To rid himself of the possessive, primal emotions the other man brought out of him.
“I will never allow myself to be drawn from your side again.” And with that he leaned in and kissed Jim. Spock’s hand migrated from Jim’s cheek to the back of his neck, desperately trying to pull the other man closer.
Jim kissed him back with equal ferocity. It wasn’t until the need for air became a risk of passing out that Jim separated with a gasp. Spock it seemed did not have such issues and continued to kiss along Jim’s jaw and down his neck.
“Spock,” Jim attempted to say but it seemed it came out in more of a moan which only seemed to entice the Vulcan. Jim let himself bask in the feeling of the other man until he saw a bystander walk by and catch sight of them before turning around and almost running out of there. Grabbing and yanking on Spock’s incredibly soft and beautiful hair the Vulcan broke away with a pained whine of denial. His lips were swollen. He looked incredible.
“Take me inside.” Spock did not hesitate to lift Jim up and bring him inside the house.
***
“If you ever leave me like that again…” the uncertainty he felt had his voice trailing off. What would he do if Spock left him now? After everything? “Please don’t leave me like that again.”
Spock grabbed Jim’s hand stroking it with as much reassurance as he could before he spoke. “ I will never abandon you. I am sorry for leaving you before..my logic was clouded by my feelings of unreturned love.”
“Your love is very much returned Mr. Spock.”
“I am gratified to hear that.” Spock turned to kiss the closest part of Jim, the top of his head, before simply allowing his mind to enjoy the flow of emotions that passed between them through their skin.
“I like this, you know.” Jim said in the resulting silence. “Feeling your emotions, hearing the echoes of your thoughts. It’s incredible.” Jim pressed himself closer to Spock before lifting his head to look at the other man.
“You can hear my thoughts?” And feel his emotions? That was an incredible show of psychic abilities he did not know the captain capable of.
“Of course, you’re a touch telepath aren’t you?”
“It is quite strange for a human to be able to respond to vulcan telepathy in such a way.”
“Strange how?” The uncertainty in his voice bled through their touch as well. And Spock would not let his captain remain in such torment. Spock rolled them over, now looking down on Jim he placed his hand against the other man’s face.
It is rare to be able to communicate through touch alone. Typically only emotional transference occurs through touch. Spock thought to Jim through their shared contact before letting his wonder, curiosity, and excitement all rush towards Jim.
Jim, unused to the idea of someone else in his mind, brought his hand up to cradle Spock’s face and stamped one clear thought across his psyche.
I LOVE YOU.
“
As I love you, ashayam,” Spock whispered to him before kissing him once more. "Though there is no need to shout." Jim grinned in response.
They did not make it to dinner that evening.
***
It was around what Jim would claim to be lunch time the following day before the two of them even left their room at all. Much to the amusement of Amanda and Sarek who did not catch sight of them until dinner that evening. Though Jim had already broken almost every custom imaginable for staying at your friend’s, lover’s? Partners? Boyfriends? Spock’s parent’s house. He would not allow them to miss dinner again. No matter how compelling an argument Spock presents him. Laying on the bed. Robe open. Quite suggestively if Jim had anything to say about it. He finished getting dressed before turning towards Spock and speaking.
“So…” he trailed off, uncertain how to even start this conversation. But he needn’t have worried. Spock was quick to remove himself from the bed and wrap his arms around Jim. Ever the reassuring presence he has always been. “What are we going to say to your parents?”
“That I will not be returning to complete kolinahr.”
“You won’t?” Jim turned to face Spock, still comfortable in his arms, he wrapped his own around him.
“I no longer desire not to feel the love I have for you.”
“You know I would still love and support you if that path is the one you wish to follow.” While the words were difficult to speak, the truth of them bled through their bond. “I’ll love and support you know matter what.”
“Just as I will love and support you for as long as I live, Jim.” Spock spoke his name like a prayer, and Jim could not be happier even if he tried. ‘There is one thing that they will be wondering.” Spock let that statement hang in the air, but Jim would not break the silence so Spock had no choice but to continue.
“Will you be my bond mate?” And Jim smiled. The smile that had always told Spock that he was being a stubborn fool and that more than Jim’s response would carry Spock through his next actions. Separating himself from his intended he moved quickly to his closet. Pulling out the talisman he turned back towards Jim. “It is traditional for Vulcan’s to show their intentions with a necklace. This necklace belonged to my great-grandfather Solkar-”
“Wait,” Jim held up his hand to stop the other man. “Solkar as in Solkar Solkar ? First contact Solkar?”
“Yes.” Spock paused to see if Jim would continue, when he did nothing but widen his eyes Spock continued his offering. “If you look at this closely, the writing on it is our clan name, S’chn T’gai, to accept this is to accept placement into our family. My grandmother gave it to my grandfather. My father to my mother. And now I present it to you. Jim Kirk son of Winona and George.” A thought crossed Spock’s mind. An earth tradition his mother had once told him about.
He got on one knee before his captain.
“Jim Kirk, will you marry me?”
As far as marriage proposals went, this was not what Jim had expected him to be. But the elation inside him could not be quenched. Launching himself at his FIANCE Jim started kissing the man, allowing his mind to convey the answer his mouth was too occupied to.
Yes, yes a thousand times yes.
The resulting smile on Spock's usually stoic face as he placed the necklace around Jim’s neck was enough to fuel him for the next one hundred years. The weight of the talisman was almost nothing, but Jim was never a jewelry person, and looking down at the beautifully carved stone, he could not think of any reason he would want to take it off. And as they walked hand in hand to dinner, the comforting weight of it reassured him.
Amanda was not surprised to see the sign of a recent engagement around the Captain’s neck. She had said as much to them, nearly laughing as the two both blushed and then ducked their heads. As if avoiding eye contact would stop the inevitable.
“James.” Sarek’s stoic form appeared in the doorway they had just come from, his tone was neutral, but Jim could hardly be blamed for the rush of anxiety filling his stomach. “Will you join me in my office before we begin dinner?” He did not wait for confirmation before turning and heading up the stairs.
Jim shot one look at Spock, seeing the confusion on his fiance’s face he shrugged and followed Sarek.
The office was exactly the opposite of what Jim imagined the office of a Vulcan ambassador would look like. The walls were lined with bookshelves. A couch that looked remarkably human, Amanda’s influence to be sure, sat unobtrusively in the corner. Various books, actual paper bound books scattered the seating area. The walls were covered in various photos and decor. A clear mix of both Vulcan and human designs scattered the room. It made Jim feel quite safe. Like all the universe existed outside of these walls, and would be unable to get to him here.
“I gotta say this is not what I expected your office to look like and I am really loving it.” He let his eyes wander over the largest tapestry. Vulcan calligraphy outlines the tranquil dessert depicted. It seemed that wherever Jim looked there was something new to look at.
“I am told by many that my taste does not adhere to Vulcan norms.”
“It’s cozy,” Jim finally pulled his attention back towards Sarek, who stood with a small box in his hands. It looked remarkably like a box that would hold a ring in it.
“Have you been made aware of the significance of my son giving you such an item?” Sarek nodded towards the necklace Jim would probably never take off. Jim could only smile.
“He asked me to be his bond mate and I accepted.” There was no point in hiding the happiness in his voice. Sarek made no show of being affected by his displaying emotions.
“I understand it to be the tradition amongst humans to exchange rings in such an event, I understand that it is common for families to pass down rings in the similar way we do our necklaces.”
Seeing no question Kirk simply nodded and waited for the ambassador to continue.
“Do you have a ring available to you that you would wish to gift Spock?”
“No, sir.” While he was certain his mother would give him his grandmother's engagement ring that she had been given by George, he did not think diamond would suit his first officer. His best friend. His soon to be bond mate. His fiance. His Spock. Jim’s smile did not waver. “I don’t believe any of my family jewelry would fit Spock very well if I am being honest.”
Sarek closed the distance between them and offered Jim the box which he accepted.
“Spock’s grandfather, Amanda’s father, left this to her when he died. I believe it would adequately meet your needs for such an occasion.”
“What occasion is that?” Jim did not open the box.
“Your proposal to my son, obviously.” Sarek places his hands behind his back. “I believe it is important for you both to experience a Vulcan engagement, as well as a human one.”
Opening the box Jim could not help but feel jealous of the beautiful ring nestled inside. It was gold, still somehow glistening in the dimly lit room. It would fit Spock perfectly.
“So, I can take this as your approval of our relationship?” Jim pocketed the ring. He would need to plan the perfect proposal. Spock deserved only the best.
“I will not make the mistake of not supporting my son in his decisions ever again, Captain.” His voice was steady.
“How kind of you, Sarek.” Jim cannot
“This is hardly the time for insults, James.” Sarek walked past him and turned to look at him once he reached the door. “I believe dinner will be served soon, we best not keep our bond mates waiting.” Turning sharply, Jim couldn’t help but feel like he was being teased back.
When he arrived down the stairs, the three other occupants of the house were already seated. Spotting the empty seat next to Spock he quickly sat.
“You know Spock,” Jim said conspiratorially, making no attempt at lowering his voice. “I think you get your sense of humor from your dad” Amanda, who made the unfortunate mistake of taking a drink of water while he said that, proceeded to choke on her drink as she failed to repress her laughter.
“Humor is not a common practice on Vulcan.” Spock’s lips curved upward, just slightly, and the joy that radiated through their shared contact was reassuring.
“It is fortunate that we spend so much time on Earth.” Sarek said, his hand retreated from the back of his wife. She was quick to regain her composure, a most impressive feat considering humans lack of mental control over their bodies. Amanda has always been exceptional, and her laughter was no different. He had noticed that since the Captains arrival his wife’s habit of smiling has seen a marketable increase.
Amanda held out her two fingers, and Sarek, eager as the first time she had offered him her hand, met her with his own. Pleasure and contentment thrummed between them and Sarek did not need to see her smile to understand her joy, but he looked anyway.