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At night, when Nat was having difficulty sleeping, she often found that the silence made her… restless, her mind too loud against it. In an attempt to settle herself, to sort of ‘reset’ her mind, she got up and went down to the communal kitchen Stark had set up. It was a good way to get her body to relax, she’d found, rather than tossing and turning in bed.
She had a secret stash of cookies that she’d made after someone (probably an assortment of everyone at some point) had taken them after she’d left the treats out in the open. She retrieved her jar from its hiding place and took one of the cookies out. It was only then that she heard a voice.
“Hungry?”
She turned, surprised to find Steve, watching her with a weary expression. She shrugged, sitting up on the counter and crossing her legs as she took another bite of her cookie.
“You can call it late-night cravings.”
Usually, when Nat ventured down to the kitchen in the late hours of the night, she was alone. Now and then she’d find Clint trying to find her stash or getting his own snacks, or Tony. Twice, she’d found him drunk and stinking of alcohol. She’d gotten him into bed (which had thankfully been pretty easy both times), but she’d kept a closer eye on him since then.
Steve, however, she hadn’t yet seen.
“I take it those are from the secret stash Barton swears you have?” A smile crossed Steve’s face, but it didn’t seem to quite reach his eyes. He sat down on the stool in front of the counter, which was even more surprising.
She’d never seen him in the kitchen this late, and she most certainly hadn’t expected him to stay. The man was a mystery to her, and she’d only really started to see beneath the mask of ‘Captain America’. She wanted to get to know Steve, the man underneath all the heroic speeches and his stars and stripes. The reckless man who didn’t seem to always care whether he came out of a mission alive.
Nat smiled back at him, a mischievous glint in her eyes. “I can neither confirm nor deny.” She reached into the jar with her free hand and held a cookie out in offering. “Cookie for your thoughts?”
"It's just so loud here.” Steve took the cookie, almost studying it as he spoke. “The appliances, lights, and the vents, they all make noise. It's a lot."
That, Nat could understand. She knew what silence was like, proper silence in a soundproof room. Here, in the tower, however, if there was no noise to distract you. The world was loud. It was always loud. Especially at night.
“It’s never really quiet.” Nat agreed, munching on her cookie thoughtfully.
Steve nodded in concession. "And then there's everything going on down below. The cars, the sirens, it never stops."
Nat kept her gaze down so it didn't seem like she was pressuring him to speak. She focused on the food in her hand instead, taking small bites, and nodding along. "We can soundproof your room if you need. Or there's stuff like white noise that's supposed to filter all that out.” She suggested, gaze flickering briefly over to him.
But Steve shook his head, swallowing down the bit of cookie in his mouth. Nat felt her stomach sink as she watched. Right.
“No, that's okay. Gotta get used to it, you know?"
“But you still need sleep." Nat pointed out, not unkindly.
Steve nodded at that. "I do, but I can't just put bandaids on the problem. This is my life now. I gotta get used to it."
Nat munched on her cookie in thought, pausing before she spoke again. "Maybe. But that doesn't mean you have to force yourself to adjust straight away. There are ways to ease into it."
Steve smiled bitterly. "There are plenty of other people in this city right now who are way worse off than me. I can live with a little noise."
Nat met Steve's gaze and frowned at him. "You can't punish yourself with the excuse that someone else is worse off. That's bullshit."
"I got a roof over my head, good food whenever I want. I'm fine."
"Liar." It wasn't an accusation, just a fact. "C'mon Rogers, you deserve a good night's sleep."
"My bed is too soft anyway. I haven't slept well since..."
Nat sighed internally, her expression changing to one of worry as she watched Steve. "Well, you deserve to now. And it's easy to put things in place to make that happen." Especially with Stark's tech.
Steve shrugged. "I'll live," he replied softly. "I just gotta get used to it, Nat. World ain't gonna change for me."
"Are you punishing yourself?" She studied him, taking another bite of her cookie.
Steve shook his head. "I'm not. But I can't make the world change for me."
She didn’t quite believe him, but she didn’t pry further. She couldn’t begin to imagine the guilt and pressure that weighed on Steve. It was clear whoever he’d been before had been left, buried in the ice, and Captain America was who came out because that’s who everyone had asked for. Who he was expected to be. Absently, Nat found herself wondering how long it would be before Steve broke and clawed his way out of whatever pit he’d thrown himself into.
"You can make it easier." Nat didn't take her eyes off him. "Why make things hard for yourself?"
"In the war, right, they always tried to give me the best, tried to give me food the other soldiers didn't have, give me a bed when everyone slept on mats. I don't want that. I don't want special treatment."
Nat listened with a gentle expression, tilting her head. "It's not special treatment, though. Stuff's a lot more accessible now, and there will always be someone out there, suffering. You can't let that stop you."
"Okay." Steve seemed to almost deflate.
Nat studied him, an uneasy feeling settling in her stomach. She knew he wouldn’t believe her, not yet anyway. She just hoped he would one day. "I mean it." She insisted, keeping her voice soft.
"It's okay," he told her dismissively, eyes flickering up as the weary smile returned to his face. "I'll be okay."
Nat sighed but nodded, letting silence settle between them. There wasn’t really any point arguing, not now. All she could do was try to be somewhat of a safe space, so Steve wouldn’t be alone when it all finally got too much.
"Is there a reason you can't sleep, or are you just hungry?”
“Just hungry." She smiled at him, expression soft. Yeah right.
Steve sighed softly, the smile spreading as he looked back down his feet. "We're just a bunch of depressed people trying to save the world when it comes down to it, huh?"
Nat laughed at that, the sound soft and light. "Pretty much." She agreed.
Steve laughed along with her, and Nat relaxed at the sound. At least there was still that.
"We're not alone, though, at least." Nat let herself smile. "I think that's what matters." It was something she was grateful for, that she wouldn't let go of.
No matter what, none of them were alone.