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Late summer in Vermont was not swelteringly hot like it was in Virginia, where Todd traditionally spent the summers with his grandmother. On the Welton grounds he didn’t sweat through his shirts like he did sitting on his her patio after sunset, with swarms of gnats swimming through the humidity to drown themselves in his iced tea. Instead, the Vermont August only whispered heat onto the back of his neck as he stretched out on his stomach in the soft grass of the quad overlooking the lake. His formerly crisp white shirt was definitely now stained and wrinkled but he couldn't bring himself to care. In the week since arriving at school, he had discovered that moments of solitude were hard to come by here and he intended to savor it.
From the crush of students in seemingly every hallway and stairwell, to the rigorous lessons and ceaseless assignments and study groups, Todd felt overwhelmed to the point of constant exhaustion. It was such a shift from Balincrest, where at least people more or less left him alone. He figured it was the fact that Welton expected its students to not just excel academically, but also to forge connections with classmates that would pay dividends in some Ivy League interview or boardroom. Even nice guys like his roommate, Neil, and his friends seemed at that point more like distinguished alumni than people that Todd could someday call friends.
Still, there was something genuine about the way Neil looked at him. Todd could see the self-aggrandizing instinct in someone like Cameron or even Hopkins, but nothing like that in Neil’s gaze. Even if he had a hard time hearing “no” for an answer, Neil was as earnest as could be. Everyone else seemed to look past him at first, but Neil always saw him. Todd was thankful for that.
Lounging on his stomach in the soft grass, he had been attempting to reread The Catcher in the Rye - he couldn’t help imagining Pencey as Welton now - but instead put his book down and closed his eyes, relishing the sun warming his hair. It felt like paradise with the cool New England breeze rustling the grass under him. From across the field, he could hear Neil and his friends play a pickup game of soccer. Their stomps and shouts drowned out the bird songs that flitted through the quad.
He had nearly begun to drift off to sleep with his cheek pillowed on his arms when he heard sneakers plodding towards him. He lifted his head and saw Neil jogging over, grinning, his forehead glistening with sweat and his t-shirt covered in grass stains. His sharp cheekbones were tinged pink from the heat and the sun made his dark hair look almost auburn at the ends. Todd took a steadying breath.
Neil called out, “Hey Todd! This spot taken?” Todd leaned up on his forearms, glanced around at the empty grass surrounding him, and stared back wordlessly. Unperturbed, Neil plopped down in the grass and sat with his legs crossed. Behind him, the rest of the group was laughing and walking back into the building, the soccer game apparently abandoned. Neil gestured at Todd’s copy of The Catcher in the Rye and said, “How are you liking this?” He was still panting slightly from the game and warmth radiated off of him, making the air feel a little bit more summery.
“Oh. I’ve read it before. I think I like it more with every reread,” he said haltingly, glancing back and forth between the book and Neil’s face.
Neil might have sensed Todd’s anxiety, because he smirked down at him and leaned back on his hands before replying, “We read it freshman year for English. Knox and Cameron hated it. I think Cameron was offended at the thought of someone wanting to flunk out of their prep school.” He bit his lip while Todd laughed a little too loudly. “I liked it though. Honestly, I think Holden is more sympathetic than people give him credit for. He was clearly struggling, but it’s sad how sometimes people can’t see that.”
Todd nodded but didn’t say anything in response. A few moments of awkward silence passed before Neil grinned and leaned in, asking conspiratorially, “So what did you think of the Dead Poets meeting? It was really something, wasn’t it?”
Todd smiled. “Yeah, it was. Um, thanks…for not making me read.” His mind flashed to Neil’s look of pity when he told him that he wasn’t comfortable reading aloud. He prayed he wouldn’t look at him like that again.
Instead, Neil just grinned wider, causing Todd’s focus to drift to the crinkles at the edges of his eyes. “That’s no problem. The guys are cool. If you ever wanted to read after all, no one would make fun of you.” He paused for a beat, wiping his brow in the bright sunlight, and then continued excitedly, “You know, if you did want to read, it doesn’t have to be a poem. You could read something from your book!”
Todd scoffed and leaned his cheek on his palm. “That’s not how it works, though. The club isn’t called the Dead Novelists Society.”
“I think I told you before.” Neil’s smile was softer now. “Forget how it works.”
Todd could feel his cheeks pinken slightly and hoped Neil wouldn’t be able to tell. He quickly looked away and stammered, “Well I-I don’t think Knox or Cameron would want to hear anything from this book, anyway.”
Neil looked at him with a wry smile and leaned back onto his forearms. “Yeah, that’s true enough. Up to you, Anderson.” With a sigh, he laid on his back next to Todd on the grass and stretched his arms up to pillow his head on his palms. Todd glanced over at him and saw his arm muscles flex as he repositioned himself. He reddened and resolutely looked away towards the lake, its waters shimmering in the bright sunlight like stars.
The weekend after Todd’s birthday brought the first hint that autumn would soon come to an end. He was from Connecticut, so he was no stranger to fall foliage and chilling winds - but the leaves felt crisper in Vermont, the frigid gusts more unforgiving. The tinny forecasts from Meeks’ and Pitts’ radio spoke of the season’s first snowfall possibly coming the next week. Although he should have been outside enjoying one of the last bearable afternoons of the year, Todd stubbornly shackled himself at his desk to study trig. The group had unanimously decided to hold a study session that night to work on a few of the more difficult subjects in preparation for midterms, but he felt obliged to look over the material by himself first so that he wouldn’t hold everyone else back. He began regretting that decision when he could see formulas and equations when he blinked. He leaned back from his desk with a groan and shoved his palms into his eyes.
“Mr. Anderson, my esteemed colleague!” Neil suddenly burst through the doorway and shed his chemistry textbook onto his desk with a clatter. He leaned against Todd’s closet and folded his arms, a characteristic grin dimpling his cheeks. “Want a break? I need to get away from all of these books. I’m pretty sure any more studying will stop my heart dead.”
Like every time Neil sought him out lately, Todd’s heart fluttered, a caged bird looking for a way out. “I could use a break too,” he admitted with a smile. “What did you have in mind?”
Neil bit his lip through his grin before turning and crossing the room to his own desk. He quickly grabbed some money from the drawer and shoved it in his pants pockets. “I was thinking of a trip into town? Come on, let’s grab our coats. It’s starting to get cold out there.”
Todd closed his trig textbook around his workbook without regard for if the pages wrinkled. He stood up, stretching slightly, and already felt his headache fading. “Are the others coming too?” he asked. He went over to his own closet and grabbed his Welton-supplied coat, debating if he should grab his gloves.
Neil paused, one arm through his own coat. “I was thinking it would just be us. I just came from the common room, and they’re all still in the thick of it. Is…that ok?” He sounded uncharacteristically cautious.
Todd smiled up at Neil. “That’s fine. Just wanted to check.” Neil grinned broadly and reached over to rustle Todd’s hair, causing Todd to duck his head in protest.
They soon spilled out of the dorm onto the Welton grounds and began the chilly walk to town. The sidewalk was flanked by mature trees adorned with bright orange leaves, with a significant number having already fallen and been crushed underfoot by countless students. Todd breathed in the crisp autumn air and felt the tension leave his shoulders. After the recent cold snap, haze covered the lake in an opaque shroud. Todd stared out at the lake absent-mindedly, thinking the fog almost looked thick enough to walk on.
“God, the lake looks creepy, huh?” Neil said, following Todd’s gaze. “Makes you feel like something could be lurking under the surface.” He smirked and looked sideways at Todd. “I don't know if you heard - maybe from Jeffrey - but there's a rumor that a monster lives in the lake. Charlie swears he saw a tentacle once.”
Todd could only laugh in response which caused Neil to smile more openly at him. He responded sarcastically, “Funny, he told me my first week that he saw a giant shark fin.” Both of them cackled at that, their voices carrying back towards the school.
As they continued their walk into the nearby town, Todd stole glances at Neil while he chattered excitedly about their last club meeting, when Pitts read a particularly rousing poem that prompted a long group discussion about unreliable narrators. He would never be tired of looking at Neil’s sharp features or the way his kind eyes seemed to soften as he looked at him. But Neil, who looked like a wood nymph plucked from a warm summer’s evening, looked out of place among the changing autumn leaves. He wanted to lean in closer, to study this boy who seemed so otherworldly at times, but kept a respectable distance as they ambled down the sidewalk.
When they reached the center of town, Todd was surprised when Neil didn't lead them to the group’s usual haunts: the diner, the coffee shop, or even the bookstore. Instead, they stopped outside the small department store on the busy main street. Cars drove past the pair of boys as they stood outside the building. At Todd’s puzzled look, Neil almost seemed nervous when he hurriedly explained, “I thought we could try something new this time.” He ran a hand through his hair and scratched the back of his neck. “How about we meet back here in, say, ten minutes?”
Todd blinked before responding, “Uh, sure. Are you looking for anything in particular?”
“Um, kind of. It’ll make more sense when we meet back up. So. Ten minutes, meet back here. Ok?”
Todd barely had time to assent before Neil shot into the store and made a beeline for the second floor. He stared after his roommate’s retreating silhouette for a second before pulling open the heavy doors and entering. He wandered around the store, not pausing at any one section for too long. When he reached the second floor and saw Neil already at a checkout, he received a jumpy smile and a wave. He waved back and continued perusing the sections in thoughtful silence. He had never seen Neil so outright anxious - not even before the play auditions, and not even when talking to his father (which brought on a more defeated attitude).
At the end of the ten minutes, he made his way back out to the front and found Neil already waiting for him, swinging a small bag in the cool breeze and rocking back and forth on his heels. “Hey,” Todd said cautiously in greeting, “That was interesting.”
Neil looked slightly crestfallen as he replied, “You didn't have fun? Sorry, I know that was a little weird.”
Todd shrugged, but decided not to bring attention to it. “It would have been more fun to go with you, is all.” He brightened and pointed at Neil’s bag. “What'd you get?”
A gleaming smile lit up Neil’s face. “It’s for you! A belated present.” He added softly, “Happy birthday, Todd.”
Todd’s eyes widened as he snapped his gaze up to Neil’s face. His own shock was mirrored in equal measure to the tenderness in Neil’s expression. “You…you didn't have to get me anything.”
Neil scoffed wryly. “Yeah, I got the hint after you didn't tell anyone it was your birthday. But I still wanted to get you something. It's not much, I swear.” He held out the bag and Todd gently took it in hand. He opened it and unwrapped the tissue paper that covered a long, woolen scarf. It was tricolored in navy, red, and cream in wide stripes that ran down its length. Neil took back the empty bag as Todd stretched the broad scarf out and looked up at him with a brilliant smile. He grinned back with slightly reddened cheeks and explained, “I found it after rehearsals the other day. You’re always so cold, so I felt like this would come in handy.”
Todd snorted even as his heart rate quickened at the thought of Neil searching for this gift. Time outside of Welton was precious, Todd knew, and the fact that Neil chose to spend it on him meant more than the gift itself. “Sorry that not everyone generates an absurd amount of heat like you,” he chuckled. “Where does that come from, anyway? You’re a beanpole.”
“Well, my sunny personality, obviously!” Neil jested. He gently tookk the scarf and wrapped it around Todd’s neck, and his fingers lingered on the tassels of the scarf where they hung in front of Todd’s chest. “It looks great on you. It really brings out the color of your eyes.” Todd flushed as Neil smiled softly at him. There was a shyness to his mannerisms that Todd had never seen before. “You like it?” he asked in a low murmur.
Todd nodded vigorously. “I-I really don't know how to thank you. You didn't have to go to all this trouble.”
Neil shook his head dismissively. “Like I said, it’s just something small. And,” he hesitated slightly before quickly continuing, “I just really appreciate you.” At Todd’s curious expression, he elaborated, “I mean that I wanted to say that sometimes it feels like I have to act in front of other people. Like my dad or the teachers. Sometimes even for Charlie or Knox, but I just feel like myself around you. I appreciate that, and I feel like you deserve to have a better birthday than you did.” The confession tumbled out of Neil’s mouth almost in one breath, but he looked resolutely in Todd’s eyes. Todd’s chest burned where Neil’s fingers fiddled at the tassels of the scarf.
“You never have to act in front of me,” he replied breathlessly after a beat. It didn't feel like enough, but he still couldn't tell him that it was the best birthday he had in years. Whatever they had felt too fragile, like they were on the precipice of something and one wrong move would send Neil tumbling over the edge. Still, he'd gotten bolder lately from the rigors of Welton and its Ivy-bound students. Or maybe it was Keating and his poetry that dared Todd’s soul to soar to new heights. Or maybe it was even Neil quietly encouraging Todd to be more like him. Whatever the reason, Todd reached out and placed a hand on Neil’s arm which remained outstretched toward Todd’s chest. “Thanks.” Neil’s arm was warm compared to the chilly autumn air.
Neil just stared at him for a second, then took a deep breath and hooked an arm around Todd’s shoulders to steer them back towards Welton. “Don't mention it. Now, what do you say we get back and have Cameron teach us some trig.”
The walk back went by quickly, but the sun had begun to set by the time they passed the lake again. The autumn sunset illuminated Neil’s silhouette and bathed his face in darkness.
Todd paced back and forth in his frigid dorm room. It had only been two days since Neil’s death, and already someone from the school had come and boxed up all of his things - from his crisp textbooks to his worn copy of Midsummer Night’s Dream. The room felt on the verge of spinning with only one side inhabited by the living, and Todd felt the vertigo with every breath. It was unfathomable that Neil’s life could be reduced to three cardboard boxes and an unearthly weight on Todd’s heart. As he passed the box on his desk, he allowed his fingers to gently trace its edge like he once did Neil’s jaw, on quiet nights alone in their room.
A knock came to the door. Without waiting for a reply, Charlie walked right in and started rummaging around in Todd’s closet. Todd looked at him in a daze, but Charlie offered no explanation at first; he handed Todd his coat and scarf (Neil gave me this scarf, Todd pondered dazedly) and simply said, “Let’s go.” He pointedly kept his back to Neil’s side of the room, opting instead to cross his arms and look towards the door while Todd pulled the coat on his shaking arms.
Together, they left the dorms and started walking towards the forest. Though the sky remained an unholy gray, the snow had stopped and the groundskeepers shoveled paths to each of the campus’s buildings. Instead of following them though, Charlie and Todd stumbled through ankle-deep snow until they reached the tree line where it became shallower. Their ankles were soaked and Todd could feel his feet becoming numb.
“Wh-what did you bring me out here for?” Todd asked through chattering teeth. Charlie only stomped forward, kicking at the snow a little bit. “Charlie-”
“Neil’s father is here to get his stuff,” Charlie managed through gritted teeth. He finally stopped walking but didn't turn around. “I heard him in Nolan’s office.”
Todd’s entire body instantly went numb and he wanted to collapse in the powdery snow. The last parts of Neil he would ever see… It might as well be the last thing keeping himself on Earth. Without Neil’s belongings tethering him, he felt like he would dissolve.
Charlie finally turned around and his face crumpled when he saw Todd’s misery. “I’ll kill Neil’s father if I ever see him again,” he whispered with his fists clenched. “I had to get out of there. Thought I'd prevent you from getting a murder rap too.”
Nodding vaguely, Todd walked towards a fallen tree trunk and dropped onto it. He didn't bother clearing off the snow and its icy tendrils instantly gripped him. He put his head in his gloved hands, trying to regulate his breathing. “W-we knew it had to happen sometime,” he muttered, more to himself than to Charlie.
He felt Charlie sit next to him. When he looked at him, Charlie had his face upturned towards the gray sky, his eyes wide open. He sighed loudly before saying in a high voice, “Listen, we have to stick together. You, me, Knox, Meeks, Pittsie, even that dickhole Cameron. I know the group meant more than anything to Neil.” He clenched his fists on his knees, his gloves covered in a fine layer of snow. “I won't let anything get in the middle of that.”
Todd only nodded and sunk his face into the scarf wrapped around his neck. If he closed his eyes and concentrated deeply, he thought he could still smell the autumn afternoon when Neil gave it to him - the department store perfume, the car exhaust from the street, the earthy aroma of fallen leaves.
They sat in silence for an indeterminate amount of time before his reverie was interrupted by Charlie muttering, “Come on, let's go back. The bastard is probably gone by now.” Slowly, as if awoken from a deep sleep, Todd got up and they trudged back to school; the walk felt longer and colder than the trip out, as if they were weighed down at the ankles. By the time they got back, their pants were soaked up to their calves from snow.
When he got back to his room, Neil’s side completely bare, Todd unwrapped the scarf from his neck, flung it on the desk, and collapsed onto the stripped bed. He curled up and tried to fall asleep, but his frozen feet throbbed with every heartbeat.
By late April, the inescapable snow had melted away, replaced instead by torrential rain that flooded the quad. The dampness seeped into every corner of Welton and chilled Todd to the bone; despite the rising temperatures, he felt like he hadn’t been completely warm since December. On days when the cold stone walls threatened to tumble down on him, he burst through Welton’s heavy doors to sit on a bench under the arched walkway overlooking the lake.
One Sunday, after three straight days of rain, Todd brought his poetry notebook to the bench. He hadn’t written anything substantial since Neil died - just pages upon pages of pleas to a dead boy. And he was probably barely - miraculously - scraping by in some of his classes, but the thought of studying made him want to throw up on Nolan’s desk. Instead, he slouched against the bench’s armrest and watched currents of water roll down the hill towards the lake, his notebook feeling like an anchor against his leg. The lake was so full that the water level deluged the dock and seemed to creep up the hill leading to the school. He stared numbly at the tree where he and Neil rehearsed lines countless times last semester.
(A crack of a whip-like stick. ”Follow me then, to plainer ground!”)
“Hey, Todd.” He jolted up and saw Knox slowly approaching the bench as if happening upon a stray cat. “How’s it going? We haven’t seen you outside of class in a while.”
Todd straightened, gave a weak smile, and said, “Yeah, sorry. I’m fine.” He couldn’t think of an excuse as to why he had been keeping to himself. But it seemed like Knox didn’t expect one, because he just quietly sat next to him and looked out to the grounds also.
They sat side-by-side for a few minutes with the rain drumming on the roof over them before Knox nervously said, “Terrible weather, huh? Feels like it’ll never let up.”
Todd nodded, remembering a poem. He murmured the first few lines, his voice barely rising above the sound of the rain on the roof. “April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land.”
“That's pretty. What's it from?”
“A T.S. Eliot poem,” he replied, finding himself unable to stop talking now that he started. “It's actually really long. Neil found it in the library one day and liked it so much that he threatened to read it at a meeting.” He laughed softly, staring at a puddle that was quickly growing under the eaves of the walkway. His heart felt a pang remembering Neil’s excited whispers in the library stacks and the dust that stuck to his hair afterwards. “It would have taken thirty minutes to get through the whole thing.”
Knox also chuckled and shook his head. “I actually think only Neil could make a thirty minute monologue interesting.”
Todd whispered an agreement, having lost the voice to say anything more. An image flashed through his head of Neil from their first club meeting. He stood tall in that dank, cramped cave reciting Tennyson (“for my purpose holds to sail beyond the sunset”); and though cigarette smoke stung Todd’s eyes and rocks dug into his back, everything else melted away from his view and he only saw Neil coming alive in the moonlight. Then, with a deep pain, he remembered Neil desperately delivering Puck’s final soliloquy (“if you pardon, we will mend”), slowly fading under the stage lights as the end drew near. He remembered Neil glowing in the summer sunset when they first shook hands; he remembered his vacant expression as the cold night took him away.
Knox stayed silent for a few moments also, lost in thought. Did he also feel an unbearable heaviness in his heart thinking of the boy who once lit up the cave?
“We’re all worried about you, you know,” Knox said abruptly. Todd looked at him with watery eyes, but Knox just looked down at his fingers that played with the hem of his shirt. “Even Pitts, and you know how he is,” he laughed humorlessly.
Todd shook his head. “I’m fine.” And wasn’t he? He was still here, breathing (like Neil would never do again), talking (like Neil would never do again), thinking (like Neil would never do again).
Finally looking at him, Knox sighed. He looked back down at his shirt. “Look, I get wanting to put on a brave face. That’s something Charlie would do. Just saying that you wouldn’t be a burden if you wanted to talk about any of it.”
The thought that had been haunting Todd, almost as much as Neil himself had, rang in his head at that word. Months of regret and shame filled his lungs. Impulsively, he blurted out, “I think…I think I was a burden to him. He felt like he couldn’t talk to me about what he was going through.” He took a glance at Knox, who had a curious look on his long face.
(”I can take care of myself just fine.” A smirk with a promise of something more. “No.”)
“Neil was always like that, even before you came here,” Knox carefully started, rolling up the sleeves of his starched button-down. “Especially about his father. Anytime his father told him no, he just went along with it and put on a brave face. Maybe he talked to Charlie more, I don't know.” He kicked at a loose stone that went tumbling into a puddle. “One time in fifth grade, he wanted to switch from soccer to tennis. His father said no, of course, so Neil ended up putting in extra practice hours that season. I think he was trying to convince himself that he liked it,” he scoffed.
Todd chewed his lip. “I'm jealous that you guys knew him for so long. Maybe I would have understood him better if I grew up with him like you did.”
Knox scoffed, slouching down a little bit. “And go to Hellton all your life? Yeah, right.” They sat in silence for a minute before he continued, “You may not have known him long, but I know…that you were special to him.” Todd looked at Knox out of the corner of his eyes - he fixated on the shale walkway, looking vaguely uncomfortable.
Then, he turned to Todd and pressed a broad hand to his shoulder. “Have you started the history essay? None of us really have the head for it, you know. Would be a big help if you came to study group later.” He gave Todd a dazzling grin, one that would convince a jury of anything. Todd gave him a smile in return.
“Yeah, I have a few ideas for it. I'll grab my history stuff and then meet you in the common room.”
Knox gave him a final clap on the shoulder, then stood up and left Todd on the bench. He gave a final look at the flooded grounds, then turned heel and went inside too. When he got back to his room (empty still, it would always be too empty), he swapped his poetry book for his history notebook. On his way out, he opened his closet and grabbed a sweater; inside, hanging on a hook, was his thick woolen scarf. He lightly brushed its tassels with hesitant fingers before closing the door and heading to the common room.