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It was one of those things she just knew.
Like she knew the body could still function without a large part of its internal organs, knew Clarke had a scar on her back from when she was eight and had a nasty fall but wouldn’t cry over it because I’m okay, I’m okay was how she wanted to prove she was tough, that was how she knew. She knew it without a doubt, an undeniable fact. Abigail Griffin knew that she loved Raven Reyes.
It did not come as a surprise to her when she first realized it. The intensity of the emotions, perhaps, startled her, but the feelings made sense. The connection, the bond they had had for a long while made sense to Abby. She sometimes thought back to their time together on The Ark, just over a week, and wondered how she hadn’t noticed a lot sooner that there was something there. Not love then, no, but extreme gratitude, deep admiration, and that thing she just couldn’t put her finger on that made her lips twitch with almost-smiles that were more rare those days than they would later be.
On the ground, their relationship had grown to something deeper than what it had been when they spent hours together while Raven worked on the pod and Abby tried to keep her mind off of the 320 innocent lives she needed to save, keep it from imagining the worst about how her daughter was doing down on Earth without her. On the ground, Raven had been completely honest with Abby when she required it – even if Abby didn’t want to hear the truth. She had been a sounding board at times – a sarcastic one, but a logical and intelligent one nonetheless. Raven had also become a near-silent support system that she hadn’t even known she needed until there were hands squeezing hers or a warm shoulder leaning against her own in difficult times. Raven had become her friend, and she didn't have many of those. There were people she trusted, people she worked with, Clarke, and Jackson who had grown to be more like family when almost everyone in her life had been taken away from her. But then there was Raven, Raven who didn't need her to be the chancellor or a doctor or anything else, just Abby – and Abby didn’t know how much she had missed that until she had it again, until there was someone looking at her with warm eyes that twinkled when their owner welcomed Abby in.
Things changed slowly between them – as slowly as they could in their lives when everything seemed to be rushes of adrenaline and battles that never ended. They spent a lot of time finding a balance between needing and pushing the other away. It was an ingrained instinct that had been a part of their way of thinking, not just for them but most of the Arkers. Raven was worst at it, looked at Abby like she wanted to drown in her very being and then fought it when Abby held her in her arms for more than a few seconds, murmured half-lies about needing to get back to something while her eyes flashed with longing. Abby’s battle was more with herself, because time was not something that was on any of their sides, and she was unsure about whether she wanted to spend as much time as possible allowing herself to feel the happiness that Raven managed to add to her life or if she should keep away from it because she knew it would come to an end eventually.
It was in a tent one cold night that Abby’s battle ended. They had been on their way to Mount Weather and were stopping for the night to get some rest. Raven and she hadn’t been on the best speaking terms during their trek, but she had showed up just as Abby had finished setting her tent up. Raven had told her about how she and Octavia were going to share a tent. But, Raven told her with an eye roll and a little smirk that Abby found charming on her pretty features, she had rather not have to fake being sleep when Lincoln would inevitably end up sleeping next to Octavia in a tent that was barely big enough for all three of them. So Abby had pulled back the flap and nodded Raven in without a verbal response, giving her a look that she knew Raven understood meant she wasn’t to object. They had laid there in the silence that night, on their backs as neither of them slept despite their obvious exhaustion.
Abby had rolled over to her side, and while the silence did not come to an end, the silent protests against what they had both shown signs of wanting did. They had always been good at that, communicating without words and with actions instead. So when Abby scooted over and rubbed her hand down Raven’s arm and Raven nodded her head slowly, swallowing audibly, Abby knew that she needn’t ask to wrap her arm around Raven. And when Raven pressed her mouth to Abby’s neck later that night and brushed a single kiss to her skin, Abby didn't question what it meant. Because she knew – she understood. It was in that moment that Abby decided that life was too precious to spend it worrying about the end when there was a whole lot of nows and tomorrows to be had first.
The first time she thought to say it, that she loved Raven, was while they were in bed together. Her fingers were tracing the shadows the candle they were burning cast on Raven’s brown, naked skin, and Raven was watching her with a satisfied smile on her lips. She didn’t get to see her this calm often enough, and she never stopped being glad that it was her Raven allowed to be with her in these moments. Abby had leaned over and rested her forehead against Raven’s and let her lips slide over the younger woman’s smile, wanting to know what Raven’s peace tasted like after spending the night rediscovering how delicious her desire was. She raised her hand and brushed damp hairs from where they stuck to Raven’s cheek and temple. She cupped her face in her hand, just holding her there. The night had been a fumbling mess of frantic need to be connected to something, someone, each other, but it had slowly calmed down to sweet touches and shy smiles that couldn’t be described as anything other than lovemaking. And she had known then, just as she had known at other times, that she did, in fact, love Raven.
Sharing a bed with Raven was nothing new for her. They had done that more as friends than they had as whatever they had become in the last few weeks. When you stopped denying yourself a few moments of tranquility, Abby had learned, the limits to what was allowed were nearly nonexistent. They usually laid together quietly until they were sleepy enough for sleep, and then one of them would initiate the contact that led to them spending most of the night clinging to each other as though they could not safely fall asleep without knowing the other was still there beside them. Sometimes they would talk. When Abby was frustrated, Raven would watch her silently before starting some random story that would make Abby laugh or smile. The nights where Raven’s fists were clenched tight and her eyes were cold, Abby massaged her temples and made Raven lay on her stomach so she could brush her hair. Even with the new development in their relationship, the sex wasn’t a priority. They’d only done that twice, and while Abby had enjoyed it immensely both times, it was the way Raven looked at her afterwards that made her blood run hot and her heart race at a dangerous speed.
She’d almost said it, the three words that floated around her head like the sweetest song. But when she had gone to speak, Raven quickly covered her mouth with a cupped hand and shook her head. “Don’t,” she said simply, like Abby was entirely transparent and Raven knew what she had wanted to tell her. And she must have been, because when she felt a small ache, a sadness deep in her chest, Raven removed her hand and smiled against her mouth. “I know, trust me, Abby, I know, but please don’t.”
So Abby didn’t say it.
Abby loved Raven Reyes.
Abby really, really loved Raven Reyes – but she wouldn’t tell her that. She didn’t need to say the words to her to let Raven know how she felt. That was their thing, how they worked. Actions spoke louder than words, and Abby wore her heart on her sleeve.
Weeks had turned into a month, and that month into two.
And now here they are again, that musical chant in her head as she watches Raven. I love you, I love you, I love you...
Raven’s finishing up for the day, tidying up her work area just enough so it’s not a complete disaster. “Messy organization,” Raven corrects her with a pointed finger when Abby comments on the scattered parts and screws and rolled up blueprints. “Not all of us need to wipe down every surface a hundred times before we think it’s clean.”
Abby picks up a small bolt from the table and throws it at Raven’s chest, smirking slightly when Raven looks up with mock surprise. “The amount of dirt that finds its way onto those surfaces seems to think differently. I think the people who come into see me are already sick enough and would appreciate not having to add anything to their list of ailments, don’t you? Or would you prefer I start operating on people with grimy tools and give everybody infections?”
Raven looks just stubborn enough to say yes, never one to back down from one of these little playful arguments they have, but she doesn’t. “Fine. But unless the showerheads I’m working on are going to start complaining, I don’t need to worry about any of that.”
Abby just laughs and continues looking at her, sitting on the stool across the table. Her dark hair is pulled back into a ponytail with a few braids in it, and there’s a little grease smeared on her cheek that Abby’s not going to tell her about until it’s time for them to get ready for bed. It’s been a hellish day, and this is the first time Abby’s been allowed to sit down for more than a few minutes, the first time she hasn’t felt like everything was happening at 100 mph and she was falling behind. So she enjoys it, cradles her head in her hand while leaning on the table and watching Raven.
When Raven’s finished, she leans down with her arms folded on the table, eyes leveled with Abby’s as her hip juts out. Abby can’t keep the smile off her face when Raven studies her like this, just a smirk, a corner of her mouth lifted kind of smile. Raven sometimes looks so serious – and Abby gets it, because most of their time is spent dealing with very serious issues that sometimes means life or death – but then there are these moments when Raven just looks tired, tired but glad that she gets to be tired with Abby.
“You know what I was thinking?” Raven asks her, and a slow smile curves her lips.
“No, but something tells me I’m about to find out.”
A little noise forms in Raven’s throat as she unfolds her arms and reaches across the table. She tucks hair behind Abby’s ear and then runs her finger slowly down her jawline, following the path her finger takes with her eyes. “We need fresh air. I’ve been cooped up inside here all day, and it’s a full moon tonight. I was thinking you might like some alone time with your favorite genius.”
Abby’s laugh is automatic. “You’re never gonna let that one go, are you?”
Raven looks at her as though she’s just asked the most bizarre question possible. “You get the sexiest, most brilliant doctor to repeatedly moan in your ear that you’re a genius and then tell me if you’re gonna let something like that go.”
Abby pulls Raven’s hand from the side of her face and turns her head, keeps her eyes locked on Raven’s as her lips brush the tips of the young woman’s fingers. “You are the only person that will be moaning anything in my ear.” Abby lets her teeth slowly graze one of Raven’s digits, and then she nips it and winks at Raven when she hears the small rush of breath leave parted lips. Raven looks absolutely transfixed for a moment, pupils slightly dilated, but then she clears her throat and deliberately runs her fingers over Abby’s lips, pinching the lower one.
Raven licks her own lips and pulls away after a few moments, standing up properly. “Fresh air. Moonlight. Maybe a few kisses if you’re lucky.”
Raven’s eyebrows waggle while pointing towards the door, and Abby chuckles as she stands. “If I’m lucky?”
They meet at the end of the table, where Raven shrugs her shoulders and tucks her hands into her pockets while she smirks. “Let’s just say,” she starts huskily, “a little birdie told me that you really, really love my kisses, doc. So I think it’s more than obvious that you would be feeling very lucky if I were to be generous enough to gift you with a few of them.”
And the words, the three words that seem too minimal for the emotions she feels, start up in her head again as she pushes her body against Raven’s and Raven against the edge of the table, careful about her footing and Raven’s braced-leg. Raven removes one of her hands from her pocket and puts it on Abby’s side, anchoring herself and also pulling her closer. Abby’s own hands go to the table on either side of Raven. She doesn’t say anything, because there’s only one thing that would come out of her mouth if she were to speak – well, three things, three words. Instead, she holds Raven’s gaze and hopes Raven can see the love she has for her, feel it, sense it – she hopes that Raven still knows without a doubt that what they have isn’t just something she’s doing to kill time or to feel something. She hopes–
“Abby,” Raven says softly, and that fiery passion that had been in her eyes a moment ago has disappeared into the dark abyss of Raven’s soulful eyes. There’s something softer there, more vulnerable, and it makes Abby want to lean in and kiss her.
God, she wants to kiss her.
“Abby,” Raven breathes out again. Oh, how sweet her name sounds coming from Raven’s lips, how precious she can make two syllables sound.
“Yes,” Abby responds, leaning nearer, letting her nose bump into Raven’s in her attempt to move closer, so much closer. Sometimes there just feels like there’s too much space – which isn’t that peculiar of a feeling after spending most of her life trapped between metal walls.
Raven brings her hand to Abby’s chest, runs it up her side and over the swell of a round breast. Her fingers spread wide, and her palm is heavy – but her touch isn’t sexual. It awakens something in the pit of Abby’s belly, yes, but that isn’t her intention. Raven’s feeling her heart, her eyes closing as she silently counts the beats in her head. Abby knows this because she once asked her, in the silence of the night when she noticed the serene look on Raven’s face when she did this exact thing. “Life is pulsing through you – I wanna feel that.” Abby sighs softly and brings her own hand to Raven’s chest. Raven’s heart jumps up to meet her, a harsh, rapid beating.
“Are you thinking about kissing me?” Raven asks when her eyes slowly open.
Abby lets out a little laugh and presses her mouth to Raven’s, feeling the heat of her breath when Raven automatically parts her lips. “Quite often,” she whispers, letting the words blow out of her mouth and into Raven’s.
Raven pulls in a breath, the very air that just left Abby’s mouth, and brings her hand to the back of Abby’s head. “Do you wanna know what I’m thinking right now?” Abby’s answer comes in a soft hum as fingers thread into her loose hair, causing a tingling sensation to start at her scalp and prickle its way down her neck and spine. Raven’s tongue leaves her mouth and quickly flicks Abby’s lip, wet and warm and teasing. “I don’t want to lose this. I don’t ever want to lose you.”
Abby’s not expecting the raw honesty – not in this moment, at least. It makes her shiver, and she’s sure Raven can detect the quickening of her heart. She can’t say Raven won’t lose her, because it’s inevitable that one of them will lose the other and there’s no telling which one of them it will be. She won’t say she’s not going anywhere, because deep down Abby understands that’s something that Raven fears the most and she wouldn’t be doing her any good saying something like that. But she can, and she does, tell her something that is true and unquestionable at this point.
“I don’t want to lose you either.”
Raven covers Abby’s mouth with her own, pulling her head in, her lower lip into the delicious warmth of her mouth. Raven sometimes kisses her like she’s afraid Abby will vanish and she needs to take all she can get before she’s gone. Sometimes she kisses Abby slowly, like she’s pouring all of herself into Abby, giving her all there is of her. But this kiss, this kiss feels different.
Raven’s lips move over hers like they’re tasting her, remembering her. The hand at the back of her head slides back down to her chest, tickling her neck on the way there, and then lightly rests above Abby’s breast. She kisses her like she’s counting that, too, the strokes of their lips, the exhalations of breath as their lips part and rushes of air are shared. Raven moans in her throat and sighs when Abby caresses her cheek.
It’s not just a sigh, though.
Abby realizes this when it’s repeated, when her mouth is brushing a delicate, loving kiss to Raven’s own. It’s words, soft and sweet and all for Abby, that Raven is sighing against her lips, into their gentle kiss.
“I love you,” Raven is sighing, breathing, admitting out loud as they share the softest of kisses. “I love you.”
Hearing Raven tell her that she loves her causes a fresh burst of warmth to explode in her chest, and she smiles widely against Raven’s mouth. Raven’s still kissing her, breathing against her, but Abby’s just smiling. She can’t do anything else – not until the familiar tune starts playing in her head again, like a smooth song that should only be played for someone who will appreciate every second of it.
“I love you, too, Raven,” Abby says while cupping Raven’s cheeks in her hands and pulling the younger woman back so she can look at her. She wants to look into Raven’s deep eyes as she says it, as she puts a voice to something that she’s only told Raven before in their silent language.
It’s expected, the nervous look in Raven’s eyes that she quickly tries to cover up with false bravado. It’s expected because Abby understands – Abby knows Raven better than most. Abby knows her fears, that Raven keeps losing people that mean something to her and is afraid of losing Abby.
And Abby’s scared, too, because she knows loss as well. But Abby also knows what it’s like to be loved, and she knows how wonderful it is to have someone special there for however much time is allowed. She knows how beautiful being loved and loving can be – how beautiful it already is for them.
“My sweet, sweet Raven,” she says with her voice steady, eyes focused, heart beating against Raven’s hand. “I love you, too.”
Raven breathes out through a smile while she wraps her arms around Abby. “I know.”