Chapter Text
“Please, Lord Bridgerton – Anthony. You must keep your word. You must marry my sister. You must marry her as soon as you can, because this feeling that plagues us so, it will pass. It will become tenable, it will become bearable, and soon enough, it will be as if we never felt it at all. Mere passion. It must because it has to.”
The words stabbed through Anthony’s chest as he stared at her in disbelief. Bearable. Tenable. Mere passion. Never in his life had he so vehemently disagreed with an assertion, and he listened to the lords in Parliament on a regular basis.
Mere passion. The idea that there was anything “mere” about what he felt for Miss Sharma (Kate, he supposed – if she was willing to take the liberty of using his given name, he might be able to do the same, at least in his own mind) was, quite frankly, offensive to his very core. He had known passion with a woman before – many times, in fact. And he had never known anything that could even begin to approach what he felt for the woman in front of him.
This was not simply a passion that burned bright in the moment before dwindling as quickly as it flared. This was not a momentary desperation that was easily satisfied. This was an all-consuming conflagration with the power to destroy everything in its path.
Which was precisely what made it so incredibly dangerous. It was why he needed to avoid this woman at all costs, to call off this doomed engagement and sever his tenuous ties to her.
Unfortunately, it was also what made him weak to her demands. He might not be willing to name this feeling that caused his heart to thump out a desperate pattern against his rib cage whenever he was in her presence, but when she asked him for something – begging, pleading with a distressed agony, as she was doing now – every fiber of his being yearned to give it to her. There was nothing he wanted more in that moment than to make the misery clouding her expression disappear.
He longed to sweep her into his arms and prove to her that the passion between them was anything but mere. To whisk her away to Gretna Green and hang the consequences.
But that was not what she was asking for. And it was not something that Anthony could give her regardless, even if she were asking for such a thing. Instead, he had foolishly yoked his fate to her sister. The sister that he thought he could share a passionless but amiable life with, at least for the paltry years he had remaining of it.
He would never care for Miss Edwina the way he cared for Kate. He had been in earnest when he told Kate last night that he would spend every day of his marriage dreaming that he had swapped Sharma sisters. But if that was what this maddening, captivating woman demanded of him, and if he was not at liberty to provide for her the life he wished they might share, then he could do this. For her.
But something from her shouted diatribe snagged in his mind, something about breaking her sister’s heart. The entire point of forcing himself into a match such as this was to avoid heartbreak, for both parties. And if Miss Edwina was already feeling so fond of him that she might be heartbroken by the end of their engagement, that was concerning, indeed.
Perhaps Kate was mistaken or being hyperbolic. Perhaps she merely meant that her sister would be heartbroken and mortified by the dissolution of such a public and visible engagement. It would not be easy, to be sure, so perhaps Miss Edwina’s feelings were more about avoiding the scandal, less about him personally. If that was the nature of her objections to ending things, then he supposed he could manage that. As long as he and Miss Edwina were equally detached in their feelings, he could endure such a marriage.
But if she had grown real feelings for him despite his best efforts to keep her at arm’s length, then he could not let this continue. To do so would not only trap him in a prison of a marriage (though he could admit it to be one of his own making), but would leave him with the one thing he had taken painstaking efforts to avoid: a grief-ravaged widow when he inevitably passed away in the next decade. He’d thought that he and Miss Edwina were on the same page about the nature of their marriage, but if they were not, it was unnecessarily cruel to subject her to such a fate.
“Very well,” he finally conceded. He tried not to think about how the relief that flashed across Kate’s face felt like another dagger to his chest. “But I must speak to Miss Edwina to discuss the nature of our arrangement. We must be in agreement that ours is not a love match. This match can only continue if we can agree upon that.”
Kate gasped, immediately shaking her head in protest. “You cannot do that!” she cried. “Edwina is all that is kind and good! You cannot boil her marriage down to nothing more than a business arrangement, it will break her heart!”
“What is it that you want from me?!” Anthony shouted, frustration rising in his throat. “I cannot –“ He cut himself off, clenching his jaw as he tilted his head back to look at the canopy of trees above them – he could not look at her pleading face a moment longer. He blew out a long, exasperated breath. “I have been exceptionally clear from the beginning of my courtship exactly the type of match that I could offer your sister. That has not changed in the months since this all began. If Miss Edwina has come to expect more from me than that, then it is a kindness to end it now.” He finally allowed himself to look back at Kate, who was staring at him with a mixture of frustration and fear. “Please, Kate,” he beseeched. “You may insist that I carry through on my commitment to marry your sister, and I will do so. But you cannot force me to develop feelings that will never grow. No amount of shouting at me is ever going to change that.”
Something dropped in Kate’s expression, and her face sank in resignation. She looked like her heart was breaking at his words, and perhaps it was – he knew that Edwina’s happiness meant everything to her, even more than her own. Pain lanced through him at seeing her so distraught. He once again fought the urge to take her in his arms and promise her anything, everything – he would give her the entire world if it would erase the anguish from her face.
But finally, she must have seen the sense in his words, as Kate nodded slowly.
“Very well,” she agreed. “You should call on Danbury House later this morning. I will… see what I can do to prepare her.”
“I shall be there after breakfast.”
Silence stretched between them, the air thick with sorrow. He was not sure which fate he wanted less: to so thoroughly fail Kate that the one thing she was asking of him could not come to pass, or for Miss Edwina to agree to his stipulations for their marriage. Nonetheless, this felt like the only possible path forward that he might be able to stomach.
With nothing left to say, Anthony bowed his head, grasping the brim of his hat in farewell. “Miss Sharma,” he murmured, desperate to take his leave of her. Without waiting for a response from her, he swiftly untied his horse and set off to Bridgerton House at a gallop. He began planning out the words he might use later with Miss Edwina, what he might say that was both as clear and gentle as possible – he had no desire to unduly hurt the girl, after all.
But the entire ride back to Bridgerton House, he could not banish the image of Kate Sharma’s disappointed and heartbroken face from his mind. No matter what Miss Edwina’s reaction would be in a few hours, Anthony was certain that he would carry that image with him for the rest of his days, added to the long list of his failures.
Anthony dutifully showed up at Danbury House’s door several hours later, once it was an acceptable calling hour. He had steadfastly refused his mother’s accompaniment, insisting that he needed to have a frank conversation with Miss Edwina about their future before plans could be made either way.
“All right, dearest, well please just…” his mother studied him warily, weighing her words, “be kind to the girl, whatever your decision.”
Heavens, he knew his mother held him in low esteem, but it stung to think that she might earnestly expect him to terrorize Miss Edwina. As though he were not having this conversation with her explicitly as a kindness. Alas, there was no point in elaborating with his mother – she would surely add this to her catalogued list of his character flaws either way.
One of the Danbury footmen showed him into the drawing room, occupied by Lady Danbury, Lady Mary, and Miss Edwina. Although he had not seen Kate, he’d thought he’d heard the jingling of a dog collar retreating around the corner as he was shown into the drawing room. Despite his typical desire to be in her presence, in this instance, Anthony was glad that he would not have to have this conversation in front of Kate. He expected it to be painful enough already.
“Lord Bridgerton,” Lady Danbury greeted with a thump of her cane. “We thought we might see you today after the, ah, events of last evening.”
It seemed there would be no beating around the bush or small talk today. Perhaps for the best, Anthony thought – he quite desired for this to be settled, one way or another.
“Indeed, Lady Danbury, I believe there is some… business to be discussed.” He clasped his hands behind his back in an attempt to appear poised instead of fidgety as he turned to the Sharmas. “Lady Mary, Miss Edwina,” he bowed in greeting before fixing his sight on Miss Edwina. The girl had always been quite even-tempered – it was one of the things that convinced him that she would be a model viscountess. A balancing force to his own sometimes mercurial moods. But staring at her now, Anthony was struck by how scared she looked, and frankly, how young it made her seem. He had forgotten that she was roughly Eloise’s age.
Anthony repressed both that thought and the shudder that threatened to sweep through him. He cleared his throat and pressed his suit forward.
“I wondered if there might be a way for Miss Edwina and me to have a private conversation. Properly chaperoned, of course,” he hastened to add, glancing at the two older ladies. He pushed down his stomach’s protestations about his own hypocrisy for having no objection to a very unchaperoned conversation with her sister mere hours earlier. “I should not wish any perceived impropriety, but I believe we would both be grateful for whatever privacy we might be afforded.”
Lady Mary glanced at her daughter, who gave her a small nod and a pleading look. With a small sigh and a shared look with Lady Danbury – which seemed to be a conversation in and of itself – Lady Mary turned back to him with a nod.
“Of course, my lord. I find myself in great need of some fresh air this morning. Perhaps you and my daughter might like to accompany me on a turn about the garden? Given their sprawling magnificence, I believe we should have ample space to accommodate our… unique needs today.”
“A wonderful idea, Lady Mary,” he agreed.
He let Lady Mary lead the way as they bustled through the corridors, choosing to trail behind her with Miss Edwina at his side. Anthony could feel the girl sneaking sidelong glances at him, perhaps trying to assess his mood or the tenor of the conversation they were about to have. Or perhaps it was simply because he had not offered her his arm in escort this morning, as he might have otherwise. It had felt disingenuous to do so, given that he did not yet know which way this conversation would go.
At the same time, he could feel the nervous energy practically radiating off the girl. Not that he could blame her, but it only twisted the knot in his own gut even tighter. He caught her looking at one point and watched her blush as she realized that she had been caught out. Anthony was struck by how unmoved he felt by the gesture that most men might find attractively charming.
However, he had no choice but to press forward. Thankfully, the mask of a charming gentleman was an easy one to slip into – at this point, it was practically a second skin for him.
“You look lovely today, Miss Edwina,” he murmured, hoping that the rather perfunctory compliment might put her at ease. Her flush deepened and he saw the edges of her lips tug slightly, though it did little to change the worry clouding her eyes.
“Thank you, my lord,” she replied in the first words she’d spoken to him since his arrival. Despite her clear nerves, her tone remained calm and genteel, ever the polished diamond.
They made their way into the gardens, and, with a nod to Lady Mary, Anthony swept a hand out in invitation to Miss Edwina, ushering her towards a bench that he spotted to the right. It was in the open enough that Lady Mary would have no trouble keeping an eye on them from afar, but angled in such a way that they would not be visible from the house. He tried not to let his mind wander to what he might be able to do with that information in another scenario, one without such an audience and perhaps with a different Sharma sister at his side.
As they took a seat, a silence settled between the pair as they both seemed to be waiting for the other to say something. Despite having practiced this on his ride home this morning, Anthony felt the guilt clawing at his throat momentarily choke his words.
There is nothing for it, I suppose, he thought, swallowing hard before diving in.
“Miss Edwina, I first wish to apologize for my behavior last night,” he told her sincerely. “I cannot bring myself to regret the specific words that I launched at your grandparents after their ghastly display, but I do apologize if my delivery or my sudden departure caused you distress. It was… a lot to take in.”
Miss Edwina frowned, shaking her head firmly. “No, my lord, please, I believe it is I who must apologize,” she insisted. “I hoped last night would be a pleasant family reunion and celebration, and I did not intend for it to devolve into Shakespearean drama. But I must apologize for both the boorishness of my grandparents’ behavior, as well as my sister’s appalling deceptions. I cannot believe that Kate would –“
“You do not need to apologize for either,” Anthony cut in firmly. “You have no control over the Sheffields, and I know you do not share their comportment. As for your sister, I do not fault her actions.”
“That is generous of you, but I must assure you that I do not condone her schemes.”
Anthony could not help the reflexive defensiveness that rose in him at her words about Kate. “Your sister was only trying to protect you and provide for her family,” he asserted. “It was perhaps a shock for us all, but I would have done the same in her position. And it was clear from your reactions that you and your mother had no foreknowledge of the arrangement.”
What Anthony didn’t say was that he knew Miss Edwina had no role in the plot because he knew Kate. And she was exactly like him. Were he in her shoes, he would never have let his mother or siblings know about the depths to which he would sink in order to provide for them. There might be plenty about Kate that vexed and confused him, but her tenacity in defending and protecting her family – no matter the cost – was something that he understood perfectly.
Frankly, in all the time that he had lain awake into the early hours of this morning, he had rather forgotten that he was supposed to be upset by the change in Miss Edwina’s situation, by the deception around the dowry, by the fact that she would now have no dowry at all. In truth, it had not even cracked the list of the top five things that were most on his mind in the last twelve hours.
But as Miss Edwina now studied him with a tiny amount of relief mixed in with her clear trepidation, it became clear that the issue was very much on her mind. She let out a small, relieved sigh and gave him a slight nod.
“I am pleased to hear that, my lord, thank you.”
“Miss Edwina, I want to assure you that the matter of your dowry, or rather, present lack of one, does not change my intentions towards you.”
At this, Miss Edwina’s shoulders sagged as though a giant weight had been lifted from them. She bit her lip and looked as though her eyes might grow misty as she asked him, “Truly?”
The guilty knot in Anthony’s stomach churned, knowing what he must say next, but he nodded. “Indeed, it is something of a ridiculous tradition anyway, as my own fortune is certainly ample enough already. Had I received one, I thought that I might put it in a trust for your use, or perhaps for our children, but it would be of no matter. With or without a dowry, I intend to provide generously for my wife’s comfort.”
“Oh, Lord Bridgerton, I knew you were generous and kind, but this is truly more than I might have –“
“But that is not why I wish to speak to you today,” he interrupted gently. He watched the concern cloud back over her expression, this time accompanied by confusion. “This ordeal has brought to light some potential… differences that we might have, fundamental differences that might affect our suitability. If I am mistaken, then this is all for naught, and we can continue our engagement as planned. But if I am correct, and if anything we discuss might cause either of us to wish to end our engagement, then I thought it best to discover that now, before vows are spoken.”
Miss Edwina’s frown deepened at his words. “My lord? I am not sure I understand, but I assure you, I do not know anything that might change my mind on the matter of our engagement.”
If only you knew, he thought as his mind flashed to Kate practically trembling against him last night in the Danbury drawing room.
With a grimace, he continued, “Miss Edwina, I believe, and I hope you would agree, that we have developed a level of understanding and respect between each other.”
She nodded in mute agreement.
“I believe that respect and understanding are a critically important foundation for any marriage,” he said. “Perhaps even more important than love.”
At this, Miss Edwina stiffened in her seat. She was staring at him like a doe caught in his rifle sight, watching him, waiting for his next move.
“There are many things that I can provide you in a marriage,” Anthony continued, his voice gentle enough so as not to startle her. “Financial stability, of course, for both you and your family. I would not have your mother or sister left destitute.”
He kept waiting for Miss Edwina to say something, but she simply nodded again slowly at his statement. Perhaps she was just too on edge, or perhaps he was on his way to becoming the most dreadful villain in the story of her life. He cleared his throat, hoping that it might dispel some of the awkwardness he was feeling.
(It didn’t.)
“Obviously, the life of a viscountess would be yours, should you choose to continue our suit. And though I know it is your sister who aches for independence, you, too, would have the independence you needed to make your own mark in running our household as you saw fit.
“Of course, we would also have children for you to raise and care for,” he added, though in truth, the thought of laying with Miss Edwina was starting to make him feel a bit queasy. Still, he pressed on, “And assuming you wish it from me, I intend to be fully faithful to our marriage bed and wedding vows. I would not want to dishonor you so.”
He felt sick over the words, his own words to Kate not twelve hours earlier still ringing in his ears. But the words were the truth – if Miss Edwina chose to see this through into a marriage, it would become his life’s work to ensure he stayed as far as possible from the temptation of his sister-in-law.
Perhaps Miss Edwina sensed the other shoe about to drop, as she remained quiet, staring at him intently. With a resigned sigh, Anthony confessed, “But I am afraid that love is one of the things I will not be able to give you in a marriage.”
At this, Miss Edwina sat stock still, her expression completely unreadable as she processed his words. “You… do not love me?” she asked quietly.
“Miss Edwina, you must understand, I have had no intention of marrying for love this season,” he said, hoping that he might be reassuring. “I have always sought an amiable partner with whom I could share a pleasant life based on respect and understanding.”
“And you sought that with me,” she said, her words somewhere between a statement of fact and a question.
“You are a truly remarkable woman,” he assured her. “You are intelligent, kind, and wise beyond your years. You are everything that a man might want in a wife.”
“Just not,” she cut in, her voice laden with heartbreak, “enough for a man to love.”
Anthony’s stomach dropped as he realized that he had been correct in his assessment of Kate’s words earlier. Miss Edwina had fallen for him, or at least thought herself in love with him. He was certain that it was not real love – after all, he’d hardly let her get to know his true self enough for that. But that did not mean it would not sting for her in this moment.
“I thought I had been clear in my desires, that we shared an understanding,” he murmured in apology. “It is nothing to do with you, but I promise it is entirely due to my own deficiencies.”
“But surely,” Miss Edwina said with a tinge of desperation, “even if we do not both love each other now, love is possible for our marriage, later. Love often takes time to grow, does it not?”
Anthony shook his head sadly, feeling like the worst kind of wretch imaginable, as he knew he was crushing any hope that she might have. “I’m afraid that I do not believe that will be possible for us,” he said sadly. “I am certain that we will share a particular fondness and affection, but I have been resolved that love will have no place in my marriage. At least, not the kind of… passionate love that I believe we are discussing.” His gut twisted again as he heard mere passion echoing in his mind in Kate’s voice. Not that he was about to say such a thing, but he knew it was not only his own resolve to keep his marriage loveless that might prevent him from loving Miss Edwina fully.
For her part, Miss Edwina looked properly distressed at this news. She truly dropped her air of diamond-like perfection as Anthony watched tears well in her eyes – tears that she was clearly fighting like hell to hold back. He was struck by how strongly she resembled her sister mere hours earlier.
Unlike her sister, though, Miss Edwina did not seem to get louder when she was upset, at least not at Anthony and not in this moment. Instead, Anthony had the sense that he was watching the poor girl crumble before him.
“Did I… is there something I did?” she asked quietly. “Or something I could have done, or should have known to do, or –“
“No, no, Miss Edwina, please,” Anthony begged, beseeching her to believe him. Guilt wracked through him as he studied her, struck again by how very young she was. The expression she wore reminded him so viscerally of Daphne last season, and it was enough to underscore just how much of a monster he felt like. “I promise you, there is nothing differently you could have done. It was a decision I made long ago, that it was not something I desired in a match.”
“I see.” She sniffed and studied him in silence, making it very clear to Anthony that she did not, in fact, see why he would resign himself to such a match. He shifted uncomfortably on the stone bench.
“I see this is clearly coming as something of a shock,” Anthony continued, “but I do not mean it to be a devastating blow. These are the conditions I must place on my marriage, but if these are conditions you would be content to live with, I am fully prepared to move forward in our engagement. The Sheffields can be damned, and we can continue to make plans for our future.” He grimaced as he saw a mix of shock and horror overtake Miss Edwina’s usually so placid face. “However, if this is not the type of marriage you wish for, then there shall be no hard feelings on my part. Our mothers and Lady Danbury will develop a plan to announce the dissolution of our engagement to the ton to minimize scandal or harm to your reputation. I assure you, I will do everything in my power to ensure your name remains unsullied.”
“How very… gracious of you, my lord,” she mumbled. Anthony almost wished that Miss Edwina would yell and rage at him – somehow, this quiet heartbreak made him feel even worse. But whereas he had turned provoking the elder Sharma sister into something of an art form, he was in wholly uncharted waters with the younger.
Finally, she straightened slightly, seemingly drawing on some inner reserve of determination that felt entirely familiar to him. “I will need time to think on it,” she insisted. “About the future I want for myself.”
Anthony quickly nodded. “Of course, please take as much time as you need,” he reassured her. “You – well, you know how to find me when you are ready.”
With an awkward, stilted farewell, Anthony hastily took his leave of the Sharmas. He did his best to avoid prolonged eye contact with Lady Mary as he passed her, who, upon seeing Anthony’s departure from her clearly distressed daughter, had quickly descended upon her youngest. She seemed understandably focused on her daughter’s wellbeing, and Anthony was eager to make his escape before he felt her wrath turn on him.
Despite his eagerness to escape the Danbury premises, as he rounded a hedgerow, he instinctively glanced up at the house. He was not sure why he did it – or rather, he was not willing to admit to himself why he did it, though deep in his heart, he knew. It’s not even like he knew which window might be hers, so it was foolish, really.
But as though by some magnetic force, when his eyes flitted to one of the windows on the second floor, he was somewhat shocked to catch Kate’s gaze studying him. Her eyes widened slightly as they connected with his, but remained steady on him for a long moment. Anthony slowed his gait, feeling caught in her gravitational pull as they stared at each other.
He nodded at her slightly – it is done. Her frown deepened and her gaze flickered to the garden, where she must know her sister remained. But then they landed back on Anthony, studying him for a moment before giving her own tiny nod.
Thank you.
Before Anthony could do anything – not that he had any idea what he might do, but everything about Kate Sharma provoked him to irrationality – she disappeared from the window, leaving Anthony to study the fluttering curtain in her wake. He was not generally a gambling man, but in that moment, he would have put money on the guess that she was currently flying down the stairs of Danbury House to seek out her sister. She would undoubtedly want to comfort her sister and smooth over the mess he had made of their family.
He resumed his hurried stroll around the side of Danbury House, practically jogging to get as far away from this house as quickly as he could. He had no desire to be near as the Sharmas grappled with the blowback of what he had just done – he would certainly see them once Miss Edwina had reached a decision.
For now, he set off towards Benedict’s art studio, where he knew his brother had disappeared to after they broke their fast. Anthony was in desperate need of a stiff drink.