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“I A M W A T C H I N G Y O U.”
The television in the bar flickered as the ghostly image of a girl flashed on the screen. Truly, such a situation would cause most people to cower in sheer terror.
Well, most people, anyway.
“Cut it out Anna, I know it’s you.”
With Jill calling her tricks, Anna made herself fully visible and appeared in front of the bar.
“Aww… I practiced that one a lot. Did I at least get you a little bit?”
“No.”
“Teehee! You’re lying, I know you’re scared.”
“Whatever.“
Anna was annoying sometimes. Well, a lot of the time actually. But over time, her behaviour also made her somewhat… endearing. Jill found it hard to stay mad.
“So, just popping in to say hi?
The ever-cheerful and cheeky girl, Anna would always find some reason to smile. This time, though, her expression quickly turned serious.
“I… actually wanted to talk to you about something.”
“You wanted to talk to me?”
“Yeah. There’s… something that’s been bothering me for a long time.”
So Anna could be a bit of a pain in the ass, but Jill still considered her somewhat of a friend. Sensing that something was clearly bothering Anna, Jill decided to hear her out.
“Sure thing, whatever you need.”
“Thanks Jo…”
Anna took some time to gather her thoughts before she was ready to speak.
“A long time ago… I did something I deeply regret. But… there was nothing I could do to change the outcome, so I basically memory-holed it to stop with the guilt.
It worked… for a while, but it recently came into my mind again, and now…
…
I don’t want to run anymore. It’s time I finally faced this and put it behind me.”
Jill was no stranger to hearing people vent. Heck, being a therapist was practically her unofficial job here. Yeah, Anna was actually a cyber ghost, but aside from that, how different could it be from her regular customers? She could handle this.
At the same time, though… Jill could see how much Anna was struggling to just even bring up the topic. It would be wise to tread lightly here. To start, Jill let Anna talk at her own pace, making sure not to rush her.
“Please take your time. I will try my best to help.”
“Thank you Jo.”
Anna gave her a smile, under a great deal of stress but clearly appreciating the help. Shen then took a deep breath. This topic was uncomfortable, but she’d need to face it.
“So… I’m going to need to give a bit of context for this one. It involves a friend of mine from high school… his name was Dani.”
Jill made sure to give full attention to every word Anna said. Consequently, she noticed something odd about this sentence.
“I see… wait a minute, his? Didn’t you say that boys were icky once?”
“Heehee, well they are. But not Dani.”
“Ah, so he was different from the other boys I take it?”
“Dani was an absolute sweetheart… the kind of person that only comes along once in a lifetime. I don’t think I could have asked for a better friend, boy or girl.”
Anna starts to smile as she reminisces of the good times they had together, but her smile quickly fades when she remembers why she came here today.
“He was always there for me… every step of the way. When I was in pain, he knew how to make me smile.”
Jill is touched by Anna’s description of her friend. She could tell that Anna cared for him very much. The fact that Dani could get her to be his friend even if she didn’t like boys otherwise spoke volumes about his character.
“He sounds like a great friend.”
“The greatest. He was there with me in school, and he was there with me in the hospital as well.”
“Oh, he visited you in the hospital?”
“Actually, he was in there with me. Dani had heart issues, so he was constantly in the hospital. We’d often run into each other, especially when I was being treated for nanomachine rejection. This was a few months before I met Lanette.”
“I see. So things were going pretty well?”
“They were. When I met Lanette, I’d even say they were going great.”
“Ah, I see. So then… what happened?”
“So a few weeks after I started my relationship with Lanette, Dani visited me one day, and…”
Anna froze, experiencing a whirlwind of different feelings at this moment. This is where things started to get thorny.
“Anna…”
Jill tried coaxing an answer out of Anna. She really needed to know, but at the same time she didn’t want to force the girl to relive any uncomfortable memories if she wasn’t ready.
Anna takes a breath and tries to compose herself. Eventually, she’s ready to speak.
"Dani...he had... feelings for me... before I died. But I rejected him, because I'm gay... he never got closure... and he died before I could talk to him again... I feel so... guilty."
“…”
Jill predicted it would be something like this, but still, hearing it out loud stung. Her first instinct was to reassure Anna that she did nothing wrong.
“I’m sorry. Anna, please listen, you… can’t choose who you are. You did the right thing telling him that; there is no reason to feel guilty.”
“No. You don’t understand. This was beyond that.”
“Beyond that..? What… do you mean?”
Anna takes another deep breath.
“Let me explain.”
“Please, take your time.”
Jill could tell this was going to be painful. She decided to let Anna go at her own pace to minimise the discomfort as much as possible.
“Well… this happened right after I started dating Lanette, so Dani didn’t know about that yet. I was in my hospital bed; the nanomachine rejection was pretty bad in the days before, but it had temporarily gone into remission. Since I was feeling well enough to talk, Dani came to my room, as he usually did to make me feel better in times like these.”
“That’s very sweet of him.”
“I… I know, that’s what makes it so horrible!”
…
“Anyway… we were just making small talk like usual. But then… Dani asked me a question.”
“A question?”
“He…”
…
“He wanted to know… how I would react… if a boy confessed to me. If only… if only I held my goddamn tongue.”
“So… you told him that you were a lesbian?”
“I wish I had just said that.”
“You said something else?”
“I… said that I already loved my girlfriend Lanette. But then… I... I laughed at him. I said ‘gross, I’d never date a boy. They’re disgusting.’”
“No… you didn’t…”
“I did. He... He just smiled and said he was happy for me, but he was clearly in pain. I didn’t have to do that. But I did."
“He… smiled?”
“He wanted to be happy for me, even after I ripped his heart out.”
“Poor baby…”
“He said he needed to be alone, so he left. I was confused at first. But then...”
She starts to tear up, then lets it all out as she sobs.
Jill was stunned into silence when she heard this. She knew that Anna wasn’t a bad girl, but this… this defied explanation.
Sigh
“Anna, answer me honestly. Why would you say that.”
“I… I was too comfortable, ok! I never talked to any boys besides Dani, and sometimes… I forgot that he is one. It kinda just slipped out. But I swear, I would never call Dani gross. Not in a million years.”
“I see. So to you, Dani was ‘one of the girls’, so in your mind ‘boys are gross’ didn’t apply to him.”
“Yeah… that’s a good way of putting it. I guess I kinda just assumed he’d know I wasn’t talking about him.”
“So… did you realise what you said?”
"It took me an embarrassingly long time. Not until after he left. But... then... I thought about it.“
Anna was tearing up now.
“His nervous behaviour in the days before, his question... I had realized that he was going to confess to me. I felt absolutely horrible for what I said, but I couldn’t do anything at the moment. I decided to make it up to him the next day.”
“But… you didn’t?”
“The next day, they told me… they told me he passed away.”
“Oh… oh honey…”
At this point, Jill steps forward so Anna can cry on her. There are too many emotions going on at once. Once she’s ready, Jill gently coaxes her to proceed.
“Anna… I know this is hard, but I’d like you to tell me everything. I want to make sure I can help you. Can you tell me what the hospital staff told you?”
“They said… that it was heart failure.”
Jill considers her next words carefully.
“He did have heart issues… right? Tragic, but I suppose that’s not too much of a surprise unfortunately.”
“That’s just what they told me… so I didn’t feel guilty. They didn’t tell me the whole truth.”
“The whole truth?”
“I overheard some doctors talking about Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. I looked it up, and then… and then it all made sense.”
“Takotsubo cardiomyopathy?”
“Broken heart syndrome. It causes the heart muscle to weaken or ‘break’ due to a sudden wave of intense emotion or stress. This can be due to... the loss of a loved one, a break up, betrayal or rejection. In other words… he died because of me.”
“Anna-“
“I broke his heart. I literally broke his heart.”
“Anna…”
Jill has no words for this situation. She just embraces Anna, trying as best she can to provide any form of consolation to the girl. After a few minutes, she feels she is ready to speak.
“You said that Dani was smiling the last time you saw him?”
“Yes. Well, at least he was trying to smile. He clearly was thoroughly broken.”
“Why do you think he would be trying to smile in a situation like that?”
“He probably just didn’t want me to know how heartbroken he was.”
“And why would that be?”
“I don’t know, so I wouldn’t worry about him?”
As soon as Anna said this, an idea crossed Jill's mind.
“I think you’re on to something.”
“Excuse me?”
“Assuming what you’ve told me about him is correct, Dani was trying not to make you worry. Because I’m certain that even after having his heart broken by you, he still cared about you enough to prioritize your comfort.”
“And that’s what makes me such a horrible person! He was such an amazing friend and I just crushed his heart without a second thought.”
“Anna, I don’t think you understand the point I’m trying to make. If he was such a wonderful person as you describe, then surely he would not want to see you like this. I’m 100% certain that he would have forgiven you, assuming he didn’t already.”
“How are you so sure?”
“Think. If Dani was genuinely feeling hatred towards you at that moment, how do you think he would’ve reacted?”
Anna considered the question for a moment.
“He… would’ve probably yelled at me. Saying horrible things about me.”
“But he didn’t, did he?”
“No… but I still said horrible things to his face. How could he forgive me? How could anyone forgive me?“
“Because you were young. And young people do and say stupid shit all of the time. Tell me, did you mean to say that to him?”
“No… absolutely not.”
“Then he’d understand.”
“But, I never told-“
“Anna, there’s nothing else you can do. The past is already decided, and we can’t change it. It’s normal to feel this way, but eventually, the only thing you can do is move on.”
"I know... you're right... I just never had the time to process any of these feelings I have for him until now... and it feels... very good letting it all out... even though now I'm crying a river..."
“It’s ok. Cry all you need to. I’ll be there for you.”
Anna spends a few minutes unleashing all of the emotions she had bottled up for all those years. It wasn’t pretty, but provided a much needed catharsis.
“Thank you Jo… I can’t thank you enough. I don’t think it’s going to be easy, but thanks to you… I can at least try. It’s what he would’ve wanted for me anyway. I think… I just needed to process it fully.”
“Anytime dear. Want a sugar rush?”
“It would be my pleasure.”