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I used to be confused, why you would suddenly act out about your other half when you didn't have your mask. I wouldn't judge, of course. There was much worse that happened, and little ever did you let it come between us. But, I could see how much pain you were in. I couldn't imagine being constantly at war with yourself, at least in that way.
Then, sadly you passed on while I was going through my transformation. Before I even knew it, and I missed the conversations we would have. Instead, in those moments I reflected.
Sure, you made plenty of mistakes, and we often couldn't track your contradictory lines of logic, but we knew that you only ever had the best intentions. And, you brought joy. You made the quiet, tense moments vibrant and full of laughter, and I always wondered how you could do that. I still do.
It is now, well after my transformation and new quirks that I really take you into consideration. We never got to know your parts outside of Jin, for what seemed like personal reasons. And now, I see how that may have been sensitive. In a way, I'm glad I never brought him up.
As an unintended consequence of recieving the All For One quirk, through suspicious means, my Sensei's 'vestige' has appeared within me, and... taken control of me. The first time it happened, I'm not sure you would've been around. My sense of time was very loose.
I started getting headaches, which now I remember seeing you grasping your head in the corner of the room quietly.
I started hearing voices other than myself in my head, to which I also remember seeing you curse at yourself seemingly inexplicably. I imagine we had similar gripes about thoughts that aren't ours.
And I started taking actions and saying words that weren't my own. When this would happen, I would remember how you grappled with yourself to make the choice you wanted.
Our origins of this were significantly different circumstances, if I remember right. Yours came out of a place of distress, and mine came out of an unwise choice I made. But often I found looking to you as a theraputic exercise. I'm sure you would be ecstatic to find out you were helpful...
I had a revelation, once. As I was flying over the Pacific on a Nomu. I was heading into battle against America's #1 Pro, and my identity was fuzzy. I had no idea whether I was me, or if I was Sensei. In fact, I believe we may have been neither. Not necessarily someone else, though I happened to find another later on. But I found what made it easier. I understand why your mask brought you solace.
Me and Sensei in that moment, formed one superflouous entity. Both neither of us and both of us, under no specific name. It became apparent this was the case, when the hero's quirk that manipulated reality with words addressed us by my name, our name, Shigaraki. And it didn't work. It was one of the many things we shared, yet, it had no effect on us. This lack of separation protected us. And while the peace between us didn't last, I understood how you could cooperate in that moment.
I think I get it now.
I understood why you hid under that mask of being "Twice." That superflouous entity that encapsulated everything you are. It was the way you cooperated.
Now, things between me and Sensei have gotten worse. We've become more and more separated, and an embodiment of my younger self has been thrown into the mix as amnesia in my mind starts to lessen; as much as I hoped things would get better, I'm not sure that I'll ever find that peace and coordination again. Unfortunately my circumstances are not very simple, and you are no longer here to guide me through this darkness, I wish for it anyway.
I wonder, through all this pain, how did you ever find a way to bring in joy?
I wish I knew.