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Ever since I was a child I never believed I had any partake in this world. I had no discernible talents. I couldn’t dance for to save my life, I couldn’t draw. I had nothing to give to this world. Nothing I could pursue upon.
Sure, I might be the ace on my high school volleyball team, but even if I wanted to go pro, I’m not skilled enough. Everyone I meet seems to have it all figured out. Heck, everyone I meet is so extraordinary I end up falling behind in their shadow. No matter how much older I am than them. No matter how much older I look, I’m always in the shadow of someone else’s skills.
I have no discernible talents.
I thought, for a minute, that I could be good at something. Finally, I found something I’m good at. Fashion. I’ve been sewing clothes since middle school. I mainly did it to patch up my battered uniform or jeans, but I sewed nonetheless. However, when I sent in my portfolio for fashion school, I was heavily rejected. They didn’t even take a minute to consider me. Not even a few weeks.
Right there, my dream was crushed. I truly thought I finally had something of my own. Something I could pursue and enjoy. It was all a hoax. Some false predication I made up in my head to make myself feel better for how lame I truly am.
I’ve already been accepted into a few colleges, but none for any reason. Not for my over the top genius brain, because I do not have one. Not because of some sob family story of mine that does not exist. Not because I’m some incoming child prodigy that could actually give something to the world, to the people. Mainly because, I had a decent GPA and got accepted into a colleges with high acceptance rates, majoring in some boring business major.
How lame am I? My friends are becoming police men, and teachers, and I’m become a boring office worker like the rest of my family. It’s destined in my blood to sit in a horrid office box for the rest of my life, filing some man’s paper work because he’s too lazy and old to do it himself. How lame am I.
It’s not just myself who thinks so either. I can hear people talk. At my school. At my home. At the local coffee shop 10 minutes from my house near the local park. People talk. They don’t seem to do it very quietly either. I know how basic I am. I’m the vanilla ice cream of the world. I know I won’t amount to anything. Hearing it from other people though? That’s a different story. Especially when those people are strangers to me. Even the foreign aliens of my life think I’m lame. They don’t even have to know me to know that I could never soar the skies or travel the seas.
A complete nothing.
It really sucks.
It’s shocking people even wanna be friends with me. It’s not like I’m anything special. I’m not even a funny person. So why in earth would someone be friends with me?
“Helloooo. Are you listening to anything I’m saying right now?”
A hand waves in front of my face. I look down to see one of my best friends. Nishinoya Yuu. He’s in a grade down from me, so I’ll be leaving him for college. It really sucks. He’ll probably do something great with his life. He’s an amazing volleyball player. If he wanted to go pro he definitely could. He’ll, he could be a D1 player and someday play in the Olympics. He’s just that athletic, that good. I could never amount to him. I never will.
I almost forgot why he was next to me for a moment. His house is in a different direction than mine. He walks east, towards the rising sun, while my house is in the west, closer to the darkness. Kind of ironic if you ask me.
He asked me at practice today if he could stay at mine tonight. Of course I agreed. He’s my best friend. My family loves him as well. He’s a ray of sunshine and a ball of energy. He’s everything I dream to be. Everything I could only dream to be.
“Asahi?”
“Oh uh yeah.” I place my hand over my neck, as I do so often when I’m embarrassed. The rose blush reaching my cheeks and across my face.
“Then what did I just say?” He looks up at me expectantly. How majorly screwed am I.
“I…I wasn’t listening. Sorry.”
All he did was chuckle and wave his hands dismissively. He continued to walk down the sidewalk, almost leaving me behind. I realized we started moving again and only took a few average steps before I caught up again, slowing down my pace once more.
The night was brisk as it usually is, but on nights like this I never feel cold. Not the slightest chill. Not when I’m with him. Not when we’re this close. He constantly seems to have heat radiating off of him. It’s warming. Welcoming. It’s the type of person he is. Warming and welcoming. It’s impossible not to like him. People can’t help but be friendly back. He’s the ultimate friend magnet. He just has a way of sucking people in and never letting go.
We walk for a few more minutes before we arrive at my house. It’s small, of course, with no unique characteristics. When I’m older, I want to own a house with pillars and spiral staircases. A big house with a vintage aesthetic. Thats only wishful thinking. Expensive thinking. Just another thing I could only dream about.
I notice my parent’s car is missing from its usual spot in the driveway. If I were to assume, they probably went out to the bar together. They do it every month. It doesn’t bug me, it just really sucks when I’m home alone. Then I have nothing to do but think. Me and my thoughts alone in my room. Every movie I’ve seen always says that’s bad, and for the most part I believe it. My thoughts are a walking nightmare.
We walk in and take our shoes off at the door.
We make it to my room, still not talking. For how energetic Noya is, he sure does know how to quiet down when he’s alone with someone. Unless that someone is Tanaka. Those two in the same room would probably result in the whole place burning down.
Noya throws his school bag onto the ground and jumps on my bed, getting comfortable as if he lived here. He practically does live here, with how often he’s at my house.
I set my bag down by my desk before laying in bed next to him as well. We lay there in silence for what feels like hours (though in reality it was probably only 10 minutes). Regardless, it’s enough time for me to start thinking again.
“Asahi. You’re thinking so loud it’s piercing my eardrums.”
“Thinking doesn’t make sound.”
“Well yours does.” He rolls into his side. His golden hazel eyes staring into mine. They look so innocent and pure. They make you feel like every happy childhood memory you ever had is stored into his shining eyes and staring into your soul causing nothing but radiant light to flow through both of you.
I really love his eyes.
I love everything about him really. His eyes, his weirdly styled and dyed hair, his athletic abilities, his competitive fire deep inside the core of his body. I love everything about this boy.
“You’re thinking again…”
“I’m gonna miss your eyes when I leave for college.”
I didn’t mean to say it. It just slipped. Almost as if my subconscious was forcing itself out my body. How drunk people say and do stuff without thinking. As if all of my impulse control willed out of my body.
I regretted it as soon as I said it. I can see Noya’s eyes widen, unexpected at the sudden confession. Only for a few seconds. He’s caught off guard for only a few seconds. Then, it’s replaced by a smile, small but bright nonetheless.
“I’m gonna miss you too.”
I smile back at him. He has a way of getting people to smile, no matter the situation. I really like his smile.
“Hey. What were you thinking about awhile ago. While we were walking here. You were totally zoned out man.”
“Oh…it’s nothing really.” I shift my eyes away from his. I’ve always been a bad liar. I’m told my eyes give it away.
“Liar.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Then look at me and tell me it was nothing.”
I turn my head to the smaller boy on my bed. His brows furrowed, but not in an angry way. I doubt anything could truly make him angry.
“It was nothing…it-”
I can’t do this. I turn my head away, shutting my mouth before I let my impulse take over again, almost admitting everything I felt about myself. That’s a deep dark cave I’d rather not venture into.
“I knew you were lying. You can’t ever look people in the eye when you lie.” Noya sits up on the bed, sitting cross cross.
“What’s going on with you?”
His eyes are beady. They want an answer. He wants an answer. It’s lame though. Even my thoughts are lame.
“Asahi.” I feel a pair of hands on my face. When did he get so close? “Please, what’s wrong? I wanna help.”
“It’s nothing you can help with.” I sit up, forcing his hands to fall from my cheeks. I love to the edge of my bed, placing my heels on the ground. My hands grip the covers softly.
“You don’t know that-“
“Yes, I do.”
I didn’t mean for it to come out that harsh. Part of me wishes he would just drop the subject. The other part…I don’t know what the other part is. It feels almost empty. I don’t know what I want really. How do so many people know what they want.
I feel the bed shift next to me. A hand touched mine, still grilling at the gray covers in my bed, but they soften. I still refuse to look him in the eyes.
“Let me try.”
His voice is calm and sincere. Genuine. But how do you open up to your best friend about all the shit you tell yourself in your sleep. All the crap you say in front of the mirror. How do you tell your best friend that you’re not ok?
I can feel my throat begin the tighten, like my ribs are shrinking in fear, closing around my lungs and refusing air to flow through them. I feel small. Like a mouse that’s quaking and hiding from the giant alley cat, just scraping bye to survive. Like the eye of the storm, the thundering clouds slowly closing in.
“Please?”
His voice cracks. It’s small and almost invisible, but it’s enough for me to look him in the eyes again. I can see him fighting back tears. It hurts to see him like that.
I take a deep breath. Than I take another. And another. I keep breathing, calming my pacing heart from exploding out of my chest.
“I’m lame.”
It’s only two words, but it hurts. It hurts so much more when admitted out loud. I am lame. Just a basic nobody. A forgetful forgotten nobody-
“You are not lame!” The shouting came to me as a shock. I stare at him dumbfounded.
“Asahi Azumane, you are not lame. Who even gave you such a stupid idea?”
“Uhh, I did?”
“Why? Why do you think you’re so lame?”
“I- I don’t know.”
“Yes you do.”
Yes I do. Doesn’t make it easy to admit. When you admit things out loud, that means they’re true. That’s what I’ve been told.
“Everyone is better than me.” I start. I wait for him to respond but he doesn’t say anything. He just continues to hold my hand. I take this as a sign to continue.
“For Christ’s sake Daichi is going to become a police officer. Suga is becoming a teacher. All I’m doing is going into business like everyone else in my family.
“I don’t have any special skills or talents. I have nothing noticeable about me. No matter what I do, I’ll always be in someone’s shadow. Someone will always be better at me at everything-“
“Well of course there are gonna be people better than you. There’s always gonna be someone better than you. But you can’t let that stop you. You should use that as motivation to improve.”
“What if I can’t improve anymore?”
“That’s impossible. You are growing and aging and learning something everyday. There’s always a way you can improve, because no one is perfect.”
Y’know, for how dumb he is in school, he really does know how give good advice.
“I have nothing to give to this world.”
“You have yourself. That’s a gift enough.”
“But everyone else in my life knows what they want-“
“Who told you that? I can bet you 100 dollars not anyone of our friends has their shit figured out. Asahi, the whole point of living is discovering who you are. People grow and change and discover something new everyday. No one has it figured out. Half of your existence should be unknown.
“If you think you finally know what you want, you don’t. No one ever fully knows what they want. So don’t put so much pressure on yourself for it. I promise you, everything you are doing is completely normal and correct, not like there is an incorrect way anyway. There’s no incorrect way to life. Life is life. Alright?”
Speechless. A common affect he has on me. Leaving me in such an astounding shock I am unable to force a single sound to leave my lips.
“You’re too sweet to me.”
He smiles at me again. I smile back. I can’t help but smile when he’s around. He fall into silence, his hand on mine. We just sit there, unmoving, scared of messing up the peace.
Or maybe that’s just me. It doesn’t matter though. I’m just glad to be here, with Noya, his hand in mine. My eyes on his.