Chapter Text
choi seungcheol was broken up with on september 16th.
he had come over to the brothers’ house as always. he played video games with chan while jeonghan made dinner. he teased wonwoo about reading a book thicker than his head, and then jumped off the couch to greet their dad when he came home. he stayed for dinner, kissed jeonghan goodbye, and left before 9.
where wonwoo’s brother found the time to break up with him, wonwoo had no clue.
“you’re joking.” wonwoo’s spoon clattered into his yogurt bowl, frozen.
“jeonghan, is this true?” their dad similarly paused, one hand still on the nespresso machine.
his older brother nodded. “yeah. i did it last night.” jeonghan looked as put together as ever. his eyes weren’t red, his face wasn’t puffy, there were no tear stains on his cheeks. if anything, jeonghan looked as pretty as he always did.
wonwoo stared down at his yogurt. seungcheol…and jeonghan…broke up? it felt like he was jammed, his heart spitting out emotions a mile a minute while his brain strained to fight them all. wonwoo could only stare at jeonghan in shock.
the youngest, on the other hand, couldn’t keep himself still. “you-you’re fine with this??” chan leaped from the table. “dad, this is - this is seungcheol hyung!”
“chan-ah, these things happen sometimes.” their dad gestured for him to sit back down, but chan was practically vibrating as he clenched the kitchen island.
jeonghan laughed at the sight of his tiny younger brother, vibrating with anger. “was he your boyfriend, chan-ah? you can still talk to him, you know. when i’m in seoul for college.” he said it so casually, so easily.
but chan only got angrier at his nonchalance, his ears even going red. “is this why you broke up with him? because you’re leaving?”
jeonghan grabbed a handful of raspberries for his yogurt, bowing his head in thanks when wonwoo silently slid him the honey. “it’s not fair for me to keep him when i’m hundreds of miles across the ocean.” he popped a raspberry in his mouth. “he was fine when i told him. i think.”
“hyung, you…you’re so - hyung!” chan pouted.
their dad reached over the kitchen island, tapping the half eaten yogurt bowl in front of chan’s empty seat. “come on, don’t get distracted.”
chan grumbled as he begrudgingly sat down to shovel spoonfuls of yogurt in his mouth. “just know, i’m not done with this conversation jeonghan-hyung.”
wonwoo couldn’t help but stifle a laugh at his younger brother’s attempt at a pissed off face. he knew it was futile to explain long distance to a middle schooler, especially since chan was just as much in love with seungcheol as jeonghan was. and wonwoo.
jeonghan sighed. “well, i am. let’s go wonwoo.” he slipped the last of his yogurt in his mouth.
wonwoo nodded silently, grabbing his backpack off the back of his chair and his headphones. he followed jeonghan out the door, to where seungcheol’s green jeep was supposed to be.
instead, jeonghan had driven him to school that day. the car ride was supplemented by jeonghan's ballad playlist, not seungcheol’s raps. jeonghan parked at the front of the school, not the back like seungcheol did. when jeonghan and wonwoo walked in, they were duo, not a trio. it was the first morning without seungcheol.
and it would be that way every morning, for the rest of wonwoo’s junior year.
—
seungcheol hadn’t come over since. even when they all cheered as jeonghan walked down the football field and smiled with his diploma. even when it was time for jeonghan to leave in august, all three brothers crying at the gate. even when school started back up again in september, and seungcheol was a row away from him in ap calculus, seungcheol hadn’t said a word to wonwoo. and now it was november, and wonwoo didn’t even know what colleges seungcheol applied to.
seungcheol still talked to chan, of course. he was chan’s idol, his role model all three years of middle school. wonwoo could tell when chan was texting him, unable to hide his big grin as he zoomed to his room. but chan kept those conversations to himself. wonwoo used to ask how he was doing, in the beginning, but after chan stuck his tongue out and zipped his lips for the 10th time, he gave up.
it hurt. just a little. because whether wonwoo wanted to admit it or not, he had been in love with choi seungcheol. ever since they were both freshmen and jeonghan had brought him home as a sophomore. maybe even before that, when seungcheol had been kind to him in their 7th grade algebra class.
when jeonghan had announced he had a boyfriend, and that it was seungcheol, wonwoo’s heart dropped.
“do you know him? he’s in your grade.”
know him? wonwoo wanted to laugh in his older brother’s face. he had memorized the curve of his jawline, the way his shirts stretched over his biceps. wonwoo had examined every past girlfriend, every blush, every smile. ever since middle school, wonwoo had known him.
“yeah, i think so.” wonwoo had tried to make his voice sound as nonchalant as possible.
and for the next two years, wonwoo would have to lie. wonwoo had known for a while that seeing his brother’s boyfriend play with chan, washing dishes together after dinner, and watching movies as one big family on saturdays wasn’t supposed to make his heart pump as much as it did. so he made sure to stop liking him. he actively unlearned the way seungcheol smiled when someone placed their arm around his waist, because now it was his own brother. he made sure to forget what seungcheol liked and disliked, because it was jeonghan’s turn to remove lotus roots for him and buy cherries every time they were on sale.
maybe it was a blessing in disguise, then. that jeonghan, his prettier, likeable, popular brother was the one who got him. for jeonghan’s last few years of high school, he was able to call himself choi seungcheol’s boyfriend. it wasn’t like wonwoo had much of a chance in the first place, and it was finally an end to the stupid crush wonwoo had been keeping for all these years anyways.
when they had gotten back from dropping jeonghan off at the airport, with wet eyes and snotty noses, seungcheol was at their house. his car was in the driveway, engine still on. he had hurriedly left, bowing apologetically to all of them through his window. but wonwoo had seen his face before he pulled out. seungcheol still loved jeonghan.
to see seungcheol crying, brows furrowed and lips tight, over wonwoo’s very own brother? wonwoo felt sick to his stomach. how could he have ever done that to jeonghan? to seungcheol?
“i don’t love you anymore.” wonwoo had muttered to himself that night. “i don’t love you anymore.”
which meant that wonwoo had to write a letter.
for closure, of course.
—
to choi seungcheol,
i liked you first. all the way back in seventh grade, you were on my mind. even if other guys took up space from now and then, you never left. by all rights, you were mine. and if it had been me, i'd have packed you in my suitcase and taken you with me, or, you know what, i would have stayed. i would have never left you. not in a million years, not for anything.
P.S. i still love you.
i still love you and that's a really huge problem for me and it's also a really huge surprise. these are meant to be for crushes i’m over with, after all. i swear i didn't know. all this time, i thought i was over it. how could i not be, when it's jeonghan you love? it's always been jeonghan.
love,
jeon wonwoo
—
so maybe the letter didn’t end up going the way he planned. did it matter? it wasn’t like he was sending it.
wonwoo had signed his name off at the bottom of the page, sliding it into a little red envelope. he etched “choi seungcheol” along with his address in his most perfect cursive he could. the red envelope and the matching glitter pen might have looked childish, but that’s what the letters were anyways.
wonwoo would never confess. wonwoo doesn’t confess. instead, he writes letters. one for every crush he’s ever had before.
it’s easier to write down the words you can’t say aloud, after all. wonwoo had blown gently over the letter, making sure the ink was all dry before taking it to his closet doors. walking to the very back, pushing past through the thick winter hoodies and pants, past his bags and old keyboards, he opened his box.
a teal hatbox with a matching bow on top. out of place, for sure, but that’s why it was at the back of his closet. wonwoo had slid his fingers over the stack of four other letters. one blue, one yellow, one green, one silver, and now one red. kim mingyu, moon junhui, chwe vernon, lee jihoon, and now, choi seungcheol.
he had started writing the letters to get over the grudge he had towards kim mingyu for stealing his first kiss in sixth grade. wonwoo had been so pissed, so angry, that he wrote a letter to mingyu in blue glitter gel pen at the end of their freshman year. he had looked up his address with the school directory and was minutes away from actually leaving it in his mailbox. in the end, he had sped back home on his bicycle. but it started a trend for wonwoo. whenever he had a crush, and was officially over it, he wrote a letter. like some childish form of closure, the letters were for wonwoo’s eyes and wonwoo’s eyes only. no one had to know about how wonwoo fell over himself to impress jihoon at music camp the summer before sophomore year. or how he had had his first experience flirting with vernon at homecoming, where he inexplicably wore a bow tie and felt like an idiot the entire time until he saw that vernon was wearing one too. stupid, stupid reasons that bafflingly led wonwoo towards a delirium of heart doodles and delusion that he used to whip himself into when he was young.
rubbing his finger over the corners of seuncheol’s letter, wonwoo let himself breathe in a little. seungcheol was just another guy wonwoo had conjured up delusions of perfect kisses and movie dates with. he fell in love, got too excited, became head over heels, then came to his senses. the cycle was over.
“what are you doing?”
wonwoo had practically leaped into the air, choking on the breath he was taking in. he whipped his head around, chan standing in the doorway of his closet.
“chan!” wonwoo’s glasses slipped a little, and he used the hand that was holding seungcheol’s letter to push them back up.
chan frowned, squinting to read it. “is that…for seungcheol-hyung?”
wonwoo kicked the box behind him, shoving the red letter in with it. “no! it’s just - it’s an old school project.”
chan squinted even further. wonwoo forced his heart to stop speeding. “what did you want anyways?”
“i was going to tell you that dad wants to talk to you downstairs.”
wonwoo sighed. “yeah, okay. i’m coming down. knock next time, will you?” he turned back to make sure the box was covered, tossing a stray sweater over one of the teal corners peeking out.
chan, sitting on his bed, yelled as wonwoo went down the stairs. “you’ve never told me to knock before!”
—
“dad keeps telling me that i should’ve applied to yonsei like jeonghan-hyung did. it’s really pissing me off. why would i want to continue to be jeonghan’s little brother in college too? plus, there’s no way i’m going that far away.” wonwoo huffed as soonyoung adjusted his hair in the bathroom mirror.
soonyoung turned to him, appalled. “are you kidding? if you go to yonsei i’m going to kill you. if you’re more than an hour drive away from me, i’m breaking into your dorm to bring you back with me.”
wonwoo laughed as the bell rang.
“by the way, you know you have to sign up with me for the ski-trip. the rooms are first come first serve!” soonyoung smiled brightly.
wonwoo smiled back. “oh my god soonyoung, you know it’s next month, right? the room assignments aren’t even open for the next two weeks.”
“i know! it’s only two weeks!” soonyoung emphasized as both of them pulled open the heavy doors to the locker room.
the duo dumped their bags and slid their gym clothes on before going down the ramp out to the track. the gym coaches were in denial that 53 degrees in november was too cold to warrant running outside.
“god, i’m fucking freezing. “ wonwoo shivered. he grabbed soonyoung, who was as warm as always. “you run hot like a little kid. you’re just as warm as chan was when he was a baby.”
soonyoung giggled, wiggling in wonwoo’s grip. “yikes, your hands are freezing dude. i’m shocked you haven’t had to amputate them after all these years.” wonwoo squeezed him even tighter as a punishment, soonyoung yelling playfully.
“kwon and jeon! get to running!” the whistle blew.
wonwoo groaned, but soonyoung tugged him into a slow jog. “this is the only way you’re going to warm up!”
soonyoung continued to yap as they jogged, and wonwoo let him.
“i was thinking our room could be me and you, obviously, and then we could ask seungkwan? i don’t know if we have a fourth though… but four is a perfect number.”
soonyoung rolled his eyes at wonwoo’s blank stare. “because, obviously, we can fit four on a ski lift. or, if it’s one of those that are two and two, no one has to sit alone.”
“do you even know how to ski? the minute you heard about this in freshman year i feel like you’ve wanted to go, but i don’t recall you ever going skiing in all the years i’ve been friends with you.” wonwoo pushed his glasses up from where they were slipping off his face.
“it can’t be that hard. i’m sure - “ soonyoung stopped, much to the annoyance of their classmates behind them, who were startled at the sudden stop.
“what? we’re going to get yelled at again.” wonwoo started jogging again, but soonyoung grabbed the sleeve of his shirt. “hey, what - “ he turned around.
it wasn’t soonyoung who grabbed his shirt. soonyoung was still standing next to him, shocked into silence. wonwoo looked up (up!) at the person who was still holding his shirt.
tall, buff, ridiculously hot. it was kim mingyu.
kim mingyu, who was red in the face, who hadn’t spoken to wonwoo in years, who he wasn’t even aware that he was in the same gym class as them.
“hey. can i talk to you?”
wonwoo blinked. “are…are you talking to me?”
mingyu scoffed as if he was stupid. “uh, yeah.”
“hey, kim mingyu. we’re in gym right now. where are you supposed to be?” soonyoung snarked out.
mingyu furrowed his eyebrows. “here? i- nevermind. soonyoung. stay out of this. i need to talk to him alone.”
“whatever you want to say to him, i can be here too.” soonyoung stepped up next to wonwoo, raising his shoulders to match wonwoo’s.
mingyu sighed, looking to wonwoo for confirmation. when all he got back was confusion, he sighed. “sure, whatever.”
he smirked a little, and the smarmy look on his face just pissed wonwoo off. “look, wonwoo. i mean, i’m flattered. but it’s never going to happen.” mingyu’s smile just grew bigger.
what.
mingyu laughed a little, his canine teeth making him look like a little devil. “look, from what i remember about that kiss, it was sixth grade, we were basically babies, and i had honestly forgotten all about it. and i think it’s really cool that you think i have…long lashes? but really, i was thinking about it and i think it’s best if i just let you down easy.”
what.
“woah woah wait, what is this even about?” wonwoo laughed nervously.
“this?” mingyu held up a blue envelope.
wonwoo’s blue envelope. with kim mingyu’s name written in his own handwriting. the sealed letter, open and sent. and in its recipient’s hand. his stomach dropped immediately.
“so, thanks? i guess? for the letter? i mean, i know everyone knows by now that me and minghao are on a break, but to be honest i can’t be - “
“shut the fuck up.”
mingyu was startled. “what?”
“shut the fuck up.” wonwoo felt like he couldn’t breathe. his chest was tight and his stomach felt like it was on a never ending drop. he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the letter in mingyu’s hand, open.
he could barely choke out, “how did you even get that letter?”
mingyu looked shocked. “uh, i mean, you mailed to me?” he frowned. “am i missing something here?”
wonwoo grabbed the envelope from mingyu’s fingers. he scanned the paper, flipped it back and forth. this wasn’t a joke. this was his letter that was supposed to be sealed in the box at the back of his closet.
“soonyoung. i’m going to faint. or throw up. or both.”
“wait, what? kim mingyu, what did you do to him?” soonyoung grabbed his friend’s arm back.
mingyu sputtered. “me?! i didn’t do anything! he’s the one who sent me this letter out of nowhere and - “
“wonwoo?” seungcheol’s voice was clear from a couple of feet away behind mingyu.
wonwoo’s eyes zoomed in on the red envelope in seungcheol’s hand.
“oh god.” wonwoo’s brain short circuited. “soonyoung.” he elbowed his best friend, who looked as confused as mingyu did.
“what?”
“wonwoo, can we talk?” seungcheol was getting closer, and wonwoo’s breath was getting faster.
running through several simulations in his head as seungcheol got closer and closer like a horror movie villain, his eyes darted between mingyu and seungcheol’s letters. oh.
grabbing mingyu by the shoulders, he blurted out, “if choi seungcheol sees me right now, he’s going to think the letter i sent him was a confession and that i love him. and that will fundamentally ruin my relationship with both of my brothers, and i’ll be abandoned by my immediate family because chan’s the favorite anyways, so i need to make it look like i’m not interested in seungcheol at all, so i can avoid getting removed off the family register and dying alone with only soonyoung by my side as i get addicted to painkillers.”
mingyu’s mouth dropped open. “what?”
“so kiss me.”
before mingyu could even react, wonwoo grabbed the back of his head, pushing himself up on his toes as he felt mingyu’s lips on his. they were cold, as expected, but mingyu’s arms naturally found their place on wonwoo’s waist, and the pressure gave him tingles up his back. it was strange, really, that two people’s lips fit together as perfectly as this. like a key to its lock, wonwoo faintly thought that he could stay like this forever.
instead, he pulled away, peeking over mingyu’s shoulder to see seungcheol stopped in his tracks.
wonwoo sighed in relief. he looked up at mingyu, who was frozen in his stance.
“um, thanks.” he could see soonyoung from the corner of his eye, his eyes practically bulging out of his head. his mouth and feet moved before his mind could register what he had just done. “i need to get out of here now.”
sprinting off of the track and back into the school building, wonwoo’s mind helpfully supplied that this counted as cutting class.
he could hear his gym teacher yell after him, as well as mingyu, seungcheol, and soonyoung. his head was buzzing too loudly for him to really care. he sprinted into the nearest bathroom, shutting the door to the biggest stall at the end. he was panting like crazy, mingyu’s letter still in his hand. his lips were still cold from mingyu’s kiss, but that was the least of his problems.
how were the letters out? and not just mingyu’s, but seungcheol’s too? wonwoo’s stomach did a flip as he realized that that meant every letter had been sent.
jihoon from camp, vernon from homecoming, jun from model un. oh, wonwoo was about to jump off the roof of the school building. what a peaceful life he had lived up until now. unrequited love, sure, but he had figured he’d just clutch up in college! wonwoo was going to be happy as he could be living the rest of his highschool career vicariously through soonyoung’s situationships. something like this wasn’t supposed to happen. things like this didn’t happen to guys like wonwoo.
he imagined each of them opening up his letters. his letters, so cringy, so honest, so…pathetic. he could see each of them laugh at it, or grimace at the insufferable prose. he could never show his face in public again. he was pretty sure he wrote something to vernon about how he remembered that he ate a chicken sandwich every day for lunch.
wonwoo silently screamed, smashing his face into his hands. why was he like this?
wonwoo looked down at the stupid letter in his hands, slightly crumpled from his agonizing face palm. god, he hadn’t even read it since he wrote it in ninth grade. what the hell did he even say about mingyu? long lashes?
sighing, he opened it up and started to read.
—
to kim mingyu,
first of all, i refuse to call you kim. you think you're so amazing, going by your last name all of a sudden now that we’re in high school. just so you know, half of korea has the same last name as you, so it’s not that special.
did you know that when you kissed me, i would come to love you? sometimes i think yes. definitely yes. you know why? because you think EVERYONE loves you, mingyu. that's what i love about you. because everyone does love you. including me. i do. always and forever. here are all your best qualities:
you burp, a lot. but you always say excuse me. you just assume everyone else will find it charming. and if they don't, you brush it off like you don’t care. but you do care. you care a lot about what people think of you.
you always take the biggest bite of ramen. you always say you don’t want your own serving, and instead steal the biggest portion from someone else’s. but no one gets mad at you. because you’re kim mingyu. because you're so good at everything. too good. you have given other guys a chance to be good, but they never took the opportunity.
you kissed me for no reason. even though i knew you liked minghao, and you knew you liked minghao, and minghao knew you liked minghao. but you still did it. just because you could. i really want to know: why would you do that to me? my first kiss was supposed to be something special. i've read about it, what it's supposed to feel like — fireworks and lightning bolts and the sound of waves crashing in your ears. i didn't have any of that. thanks to you it was as un-special as a kiss could be.
the worst part of it is, that stupid nothing kiss is what made me start liking you. i never did before. i never even thought about you before. soonyoung has always said that you are the best looking boy in our grade, and i agreed, because sure, you are. but i still didn't see the allure of you. plenty of people are good-looking. that doesn't make them interesting or intriguing or cool. maybe that's why you kissed me. to do mind control on me, to make me see you that way. it worked. your little trick worked. from then on, i saw you. up close, your face wasn't so much handsome as beautiful. how many beautiful boys have you ever seen? for me it was just one. you. i think it's a lot to do with your lashes. you have really long lashes. unfairly long. even though you don't deserve it, fine, i'll go into all the things i like(d) about you:
one time in science, nobody wanted to be partners with lee seokmin because he’s loud and sings a lot, and you volunteered like it was no big deal. suddenly everybody thought seokmin wasn't so bad. you're still in chorus with him, even though all the other boys take band and orchestra now. you even sing solos. and you dance, and you're not embarrassed. you were always taller, and now you're the tallest, but you never teased others because of the way you tower over them. also, you’re barely taller than me by the way. but no one even cared when you weren’t the tallest — the girls still liked you and the boys still picked you first for basketball in gym.
after you kissed me, i liked you for the rest of sixth grade and most of seventh. it hasn't been easy, watching you with minghao, holding hands and making out after your games. you probably make him feel very special. because that's your talent, right? you're good at making people feel special.
do you know what it's like to like someone so much you can't stand it and know that they'll never feel the same way? probably not. people like you don't have to suffer through those kinds of things. it was easier after we went to high school and minghao stopped being friends with me. at least then i didn't have to hear about it.
and now that ninth grade is almost over, i know for sure that i am also over you. i'm immune to you now, mingyu. i’m really proud to say that i'm the only person in this school who has been immunized to the charms of kim mingyu. all because i had a really bad dose of you in sixth grade and most of seventh, and that you stole my best friend away from me. now i never ever have to worry about catching you again. what a relief! i bet if i did ever kiss you again, i would definitely catch something, and it wouldn't be love. it would be an STD!
love,
jeon wonwoo
—
oh he was fucked.