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"Why not go to your place?"
The man sitting on the driver's seat of the old Toyota sighed and ran a hand through his long hair, as if it wasn't messy enough as it was. His other hand was gripping the steering wheel. He had a few rings made from dark metals on his fingers.
"I live with my kid. And my ex, too. It's, uh, complicated."
Javier raised a brow.
"You got a kid? Biological or?"
"She's trans, too."
"Oh. That's cool, I guess. That you have a kid."
"Yeah. I love him a lot. And her too, I guess. It's complicated. Sorry if this is off-putting."
"No, not at all."
John drummed a random rhythm on the steering wheel. The middle console of the car was riddled with cigarette butts, and Javier hoped he didn't drive his kid around with this car.
"So yeah, I can't bring any dates home. How about your place?"
"Not a change, sorry. I got many roommates."
"So what now?"
"I don't know."
"We could drive somewhere a bit further and you know. Do it in the car."
"I'm not fucking you in a car."
John sighed. "A hotel?"
"If you're paying, sure. I don't have any money."
"Nope, me neither."
They sat in silence for a moment. The windows of the car were rolled down, and they could hear the crickets chirping their mating call. Javier's phone buzzed.
"Maybe I should go," he said without checking the notification.
John looked at him, almost sadly. Javier felt annoyed by the entire thing, being in this guy's smelly car, him having a family unlike no one Javier knew which he clearly didn't appreciate enough, his facial hair, which wasn't just peach fuzz and mascara unlike Javier's even though he had been on HRT for almost two years now. Annoyed about losing the time he could have spent actually hooking up with waiting for this idiot to come pick him up, only to find out they wouldn't be able to do anything unless he’d agree to do it in the car, which really wasn’t something he was too keen on doing especially considering there was no backseat in the pickup.
"Please, stay. We can get something to eat or something. I don't want to go back home yet."
"Are you paying?"
"Yeah, sure. If you stay."
It was late, anyway. No time to look for anyone else. He could go home, wait for his roommates to fall asleep, jack off and go to sleep alone. Or he could do whatever this was and either end up murdered or he could have a terrible date, or a decent one. In any case, he was promised food. He put his seatbelt on.
They drove a little way from the suburbs. It always amazed John how just a few miles from the white picket fences, yellow school buses and BBQ parties his family was never invited to, was the vast desert, waiting for its time to sink in over the little town and its little suburbs and drown it all with sand and rock. They left the bigger road to follow a smaller one further into the night. His pickup truck had seen the road many a time, and seemed happy on the bumpy dirt road. Toyota Hilux, happy in its natural habitat, where no other car would go out of its free will.
He stopped the car, and they got out with paper bags from some local burger joint that really wasn't even worth a mention, but which happened to be open at such an hour on a Saturday night. Or Sunday morning, to be honest. They climbed onto the back of the car, where John had stashed some blankets, just in case. Once they were spread out onto the metal floor, the back of the car looked kinda cozy. It was dark as hell, though. Javier could barely see enough to open his bag once they were sitting with their backs against the pallet on the blanket.
"Now would be the perfect time to murder me. Nobody would ever find my body," Javier joked in a serious tone.
"Did you see the news about the mutilation and murder case from like a week ago?"
Javier bit into his burger. He didn't like eating in a moving car, and John had wanted to find a good spot to park, so now both of them had to stomach cold, soggy buns and a burger that resembled paperboard.
"No, where?"
"Here! Or like, in this town. Can't remember wait, hold on, I'll google it..."
John's phone was almost out of battery. He had forgotten his charger, and Javier only had an Iphone's.
"Anyway, it was like a drug thing or whatever. They had shot this guy in the leg, and made him walk into the desert, where they had cut him into pieces before killing him and scattering the pieces around. It was on TV, too."
"Oh. That's messed up."
"Yeah."
"I don't really watch TV. Or the local news."
"Okay."
They were silent again. They ended up leaving their food half-finished, until John found hair from his hamburger while scooping out the pickles (he had asked for no pickles) and after that neither had felt much like eating. With their eyes adjusting to the dark over the minutes, the stars grew more visible in the sky over them.
It was pretty damn awkward. They had occasionally chatted over the past weeks, but this was the first time they had actually met, after changing a few pictures and making vague small talk about their days. Javier had found out John was a trans guy around his own age, who had been adopted by maybe a gay couple, or at least some people really supportive of him as a teen. He had gotten on HRT pretty early on and, from what he had seen, had top surgery at least a few years ago and was now unemployed and trying to find a way to save up money for bottom surgery while keeping the lights on. Tonight he had learned that he had a raspy voice from being a long-time heavy smoker and an almost heteronormative family waiting back home. Javier wondered if she really was an ex. He had been with cheaters in the past, and after finding out had felt disgusted with both him and the married men. John didn't seem like one, but what did he know?
John had found out nothing about Javier. He was a student of something, and he was trans, usually looking for cis men, but he had started talking with John anyway for whatever reason. That's about it. Now they were sitting on the back of his car, the butt of Javier's cigarette a little brighter than the stars over them. It was a place for lovers, for a romantic evening under the stars, not some Grindr date who wouldn’t even fuck him.
"Wanna talk or?" Javier asked him.
"Yeah."
"Go on."
"I'm not good at it."
"Me neither, but you wanted me here."
"Fair enough, I guess. You often see people from online?"
"I don't know, every once in a while, I guess? Like once or twice a month, unless I got something more serious going on.”
"How is it?"
"You don't know?"
"No, this is my third time."
Javier sipped his soda. The ice cubes had melted about ten minutes ago, and now the rest of the drink was mostly water with a hint of orange soda, like an expensive wine with a hint of vanilla or whatever.
"Depends. Some people are ok, some suck. I've never found anyone who'd actually want to date me when I've also wanted to date, so it's just chatting and hook-ups."
"You looking for anyone at the moment?"
"I've given up. It's just a lot of effort getting to know someone. People usually end up sucking."
"Yeah."
"What's your deal? Is she really an ex?"
"Come on, I get it that sounds bad, but I swear it ain't like that. We ain't together, both been seein' other people. We both are from broken families, didn't that for the boy. And I still love her. Kinda. We used to fight a lot when we tried to live like normal parents, better this way."
"Sorry, didn't mean to upset. I just want nothing to do with a married man. There's plenty of them on Grindr."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Just last month, a guy I'd been seeing for over a year every once in a while casually told me he got a wife and two kids."
"That's messed up."
"Yeah. And he just said it like I was supposed to be fine with it. I told him to eat shit and got out of there. And in the evening he messaged me, and get this: he said that I made him feel bad! As if he wasn't cheating on his wife and playing around with me and I don't know who else."
"Damn, I'm sorry. Was he like closeted or?"
"I don't know, I think he might have been straight with a fetish or whatever," Javier sighed. "It's like being with a trans person doesn't count as cheating or as being gay.”
John was quiet. He'd run into a few nightmares too while looking for company. It was hard dating or moving around the queer circles in such a small town. Everyone was either someone's ex or friend, or they were known as bad news. And going out with cis women was always a minefield. One moment he'd be on the best date of his life, and then she'd ask to go back to hers, and he'd have to either 1. Come out and risk her being weirded out, offended, hateful, or anything in between. 2. Come up with an excuse and push back the inevitable. Going out with trans people was a lot easier as he didn't have to fear their reaction, but as said, the circles were small. Javier was a lucky find, though he had had to drive for over an hour to pick him up.
Their legs were almost touching on the blanket. He moved his foot, so his sneakers subtly brushed against the leather walking shoes Javier wore. The other man didn't address it, nor move his feet away, so John let it stay there. Javier wasn't looking at him, his eyes glued to the night sky. No wonder, it was breathtaking so far away from the well lit suburbs or the always busy city center.
"You got any horror stories?"
"Nah, my home situation is horror enough as it is."
Javier paused before deciding to ask what was on his mind.
"So, you like… gave birth?"
John scoffed and turned to look at him. "That's a weird thing to ask."
"Well, sorry, I got curious. It's just... weird to think, looking at you,” Javier gestured towards his hairy face and deep voice. John was tall, too, and nothing about him screamed ‘I had a whole human being in me for nine months’.
"I guess? Huh," John laughed and stretched out his arms. An edge of a tattoo Javier couldn't quite make out slithered down his left sleeve to his hand.
"Yeah, I did."
"How was it?"
"Bad. I hated it. Or like the kid himself was awesome, as was getting him, but everything surrounding it was just weird and bad. Abigail - the ex - was so excited about the change of being a mother, she kinda forgot I got dysphoria of my own. I had to stop T for almost a year, so that was ass too."
"Oh yeah, totally. I could never do that. Respect for you, man."
"Thanks. She helped me with everything, of course, and it wasn't all bad. I was excited about the baby, too, sometimes. I was, like, twenty back then, and I never even thought I could have a kid. I started T when I turned 18 and didn't think I could even get pregnant anymore. So we didn't use any protection."
"How old is he?"
"Four."
Javier nodded, trying to come up with something to say. He quite liked the small contact they had, barely touching, totally innocent, but still there, reminding him he was still wanted by someone. Someone wanted to brush his feet against his and to talk about him. He didn't know that many trans people, and had forgotten how comforting talking with someone who understood him was.
"We started falling apart pretty soon after he was born. You know, hormone stuff on top of me being kinda all over the place even if I hadn't just carried a damn baby. She wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I couldn't stand either of them. I bounced for almost a year. No, I ain't proud about it and I can never make it up. But in the end, I couldn't just leave them. I went back, and since then it's been this weird thing going on. She sleeps in the bedroom with the boy, and I'm in the living room."
He turned to look at Javier. "Sorry, I shouldn't overshare like this."
"Mommy didn't warn you about talking to strangers on the internet?"
"Ain't got one."
"Oh. Shit. Sorry."
They were silent again. It was getting colder, and John summoned one more blanket from one of the boxes on the back of the car. They pulled it over their legs.
"I can take you back home if you wanna go," John offered when neither of them seemed to have nothing to say.
"Nah it's fine, this is nice. Unless you want to go."
"No no no, it's ok. It is. I just thought I was boring you."
"This feels like an adventure or something from a coming of age movie. You know."
"Yeah, totally."
They were silent again, their feet now pressed close against each other's all the way under the blanket, hips touching. Javier gathered his courage for a while before leaning against John's side, feeling him tense at the contact. He feared he had over-stepped a boundary, until the other man shifted slightly so he could press his head against his shoulder. For some reason, it felt far more intimate than messing around with someone felt. John's jacket had a smell of old cigarettes to it, and below it, he smelled like some deodorant that said MEN or NEW SPORT or 48H PROTECTION STAY FRESH COOL MINT.
"Do you think we could see each other again some time?" John asked him. Javier took one of his arms and pulled it around his shoulder. John got the hint and started stroking him over his jacket in a way not many men had ever done to him
"Yeah. Sure. Or like, in see as in what? Hang out? Date?"
"Whatever you want. You seem cool," John said, leaving out the part about being lonely and hopeless, especially after Abigail had started going on dates again and his own family and friends still didn’t know how to deal with his situation. Hell, his brother, Arthur, still didn’t talk to him after he had shown up again after disappearing for months and leaving his back-then-girlfriend deal with Jack. As if he didn’t feel bad enough about it already.
Javier bit his lip. He had not gone out with anyone in years, and he wasn’t sure if he could deal with John’s baggage. As if his own was any lighter. But he was lonely too, and with hands already around him, it was hard to decline him.
“Yeah. Sure.”
John kissed him, and Javier leaned into him, cupping the back of his head with his hand while John pulled him closer, hands behind his back, grasping at his jacket. Metal clanked when John’s elbow hit it, and he cursed against Javier’s mouth. Both their breaths smelled like the disgusting meal they had, but they didn’t really care about it as their kiss turned open-mouthed and messy and their hands got bolder, moving over clothing and then looking for open necklines or a hem, Javier’s cold hands on John’s hips making him jump while he was busy mouthing down Javier’s neck and making his breath hitch. They ended up laying on their sides, one blanket covering them and the other below them, lazily making out and pressing close against each other, shy hands getting bolder.
“No,” Javier breathed when John’s hands edged towards his rib cage under his shirt, feeling his binder, not quite sure if he was allowed to touch it.
“Yeah, sorry,” John answered, pulling his hands from under his shirt and fixing it back down. He smoothed down Javier’s hair, which looked just like they had been making out. “You’re the prettiest guy I’ve ever kissed.”
Javier pressed his face against his shoulder and breathed in his scent, smiling at the praise, his cheeks glowing, still holding onto John’s waist and not really wanting to let go. Everything felt just nice, even if the night was getting a little too cold to stay out for much longer.
“Thanks. You’re a good kisser,” he answered, feeling kinda foolish. “I still ain’t fucking in a car, though.”
“Yeah, that’s fine, this is nice.”
They kissed once more, before fixing their clothes and returning into the car, where the heater of course wasn’t working. They were silent on the way home, only passing one other late night driver. A real couple looking for a quiet place to spend some quality time, by what they managed to see as they drove past them. Javier felt weirdly warm. He saw John looking at him from time to time, the smile on his face matching his. Maybe it really meant something. Who knew. Whatever it was going to be between them, it was better than having nothing at all, and kissed him on the cheek once before leaving the car in front of his house and watching him drive away.