Chapter Text
Simple boys, as do most things, have rules as to be considered a simple boy.
First of all, though do beware these rules differ from place to place, culture to culture, time period to time period, a simple boy must be born into a family with a mother and father with a few siblings in a small, blue suburban home. That boy also must be middle class , upper or lower, and may bicker with the siblings from time to time but nonetheless have a somewhat non-co-dependent, healthy relationship with them. His father will work a blue collar job while his mother may either be a housewife or have a smaller job beside him, perhaps at church?
As the boy grows older he will have a small social circle of friend here and there with that one guy Jared who pisses everyone off, but you can't do anything about it because your mothers are "besties", which really annoys but you just sorta bottle it up until you bump into him again and he's rich as shit so you just sort of pawn off as much money as possible from him by blackmailing him about that one time he accidently murdered his girl- wait that's just a me experience? Oh. Mk.
Never mind that then, a simple boy will grow up liking video games, some type of sport and underage drinking at parties in his teenage years. He will have a girlfriend who is a bit younger and shorter than him that he will compare his current wife to, depending on the boy, he may make this comparison verbally or in his mind very rarely in which afterwards he will feel extreme guilt. This will be a deciding factor to if he's a 3 Ds (deadbeat, drunk and divorced) simple boy or the usual simple boy when they are an adult. The usual simple boy is a cardboard copy of his father. He will sometimes look in the mirror at himself wondering if he's (again depending on the simple boy's father) a good person, or if he made his father proud.
They will most certainly not be sent to the country of Hazbin. A prison country where people (if you can even call them that) are sent to by the judge when they believe this person is absolutely irredeemable in every way and are sent to the country's 7 rings depending on the type of crime. Most of the prisoners are sent to the the Pride Ring, where cannibalists, corrupt tv people, and war criminals and just really, just fucked up people are sent to. To be sent to the other 6: Wrath, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Envy and Sloth, you must have been just a horrid person that committed some of the most heinous crimes that correlate with that ring. Most of the country's inhabitants are just sort of born there and are called imps, they're not important, and are the lowest in the hierarchy after the prisoners. Above prisoners are Overlords, they all reside in the Pride Ring, and have different factions that they own. Next are the Leaders of the Rings, they have been around since the start of Hazbin, when God Almighty was around, if it weren't for the exorcists', led by Adam they would've surely taken over the Heaven government. Rules are non-existent in this place. Prisoners (or some people call them sinners) are to roll around in their own filth.
There's the Heaven Government, Led by Lady Sera, who makes sure the sinners do not escape from the country of Hazbin. Her second in command Lady Emily, is in charge of the happiness of people on their island, separate, but close as to keep an eye, from the country of Hazbin, makes sure visitors (as there are no permanent residents on the island apart from the employees) are as pleased as possible at their time there. There is also Lucifer Morningstar, informally known as "King of Hell", who watches over Hazbin, making sure everything is in order, or as orderly in a country filled with heinous criminals, in Hazbin. Which of the two are higher in the hierarchy is unclearly and blurry but who is on top is definitive.
God almighty (literally that's their name) is on top of everything and may be the most powerful being across the globe. Rumours have spread that they are a celestial being, currently across the multiverse looking for justice. Not even their sons and daughters have seen them, not even the people whom he had those children with (don't ask them how they conceived, it's weird), surely, they are all powerful.
The Heaven meeting room, unlike the rest of the island, was boring and drab. Most of the room was a dull grey with the exception being tints of gold and sapphire being placed upon a few of the seats and the long table where the participants of the meeting sat.
At the Head of table sat Lady Sera. Her eagle eyes contained wisdom, men of the early ages would have committed crimes against the very earth they stood on to get a hold of. Her silky, white hair cascaded down the back of her structured dark blue dress as she sat, posture as straight as a line and her mind sharp yet undisturbed by any wrongs in that room. Her sister, Lady Emily, would have been almost a cardboard copy of her older sister, if it weren't for her round eyes of whimsy. She wore a similar dress but more flowy and forgiving. A more major point of difference between the sisters would be their height. While Lady Sera was mountainous, Lady Emily was of pebble origin. Despite this, both of the sisters held a unique power across the room equally.
A few seats down, sat Frank Eggz, our main character, head of the secrets department. His eyes were much like Lady Emily's, yet unlike hers, they had a unfounded amount of fear in them for a 17 year old. He was also very much tin, one may say malnourished and his almost white, blonde hair stood stiffly. He wore a pastel yellow bowtie with a grey vest and blue bell bottom jeans, not sure why he thought those bottoms would be appropriate for this kind of occasion but Frank Eggz was a genius, so it would be appropriate to assume it was for the best.
The others also seated at the table were wearing and looked like what the usual person would assume people in an important, government official, meeting would be looking like. However, the colours that were repeated in their outfits were often dark blue, light blue, white and yellow, for the most part. Lady Emily had made sure that everyone should make their darndest effort into separating themselves from the dangerous reds, browns and greens of hell- I mean the country of Hazbin.
Some of the participants of the meetings were growing impatient from the elongated period of waiting to hear why they were called into this drab room. They started smoking from their pipes, fancifulness varying from the end to the very top of the rectangular table. Dark puffs of smoke started enveloping the room making it even greyer than before covering their vision of the head of the table, Lady Sera.
"Would anyone like to tell me why none of you seem to have any FUCKING MANNERS?" Lady Sera scolded as she arose from her seat gracefully yet soon turned into an irate beast.
The puffs of smoke quickly fled outside to the open window as if following Lady Sera's command. The people who were smoking also hid their pipes yet more reluctantly, afraid of Lady Sera.
"Bastards" she muttered under her breath. "And Mr. Frank Eggz, why in God's name, are you wearing jeans? Does this meeting not strike as formal enough for you to dress properly?"
"First of all, jeans were actually used for workwear in Genoa, Italy . Where they needed fabric that could be worn wet or dry for sailors of the undiscovered, dangerous sea. So one could argue that wearing these comfortable jeans in this meeting could actually be my own, unique way of showing my appreciation for Genoa, Italy where the fabric emerged alongside Nimes, France."
"..."
"Secondly, I did not have anything blue to wear and Lady Emily was quite clear about dress code and it felt rude not to include anything blue when she so clearly stated, but when I was bought the letter, I was so deep into my work that I barely ate for three days and did not sleep a blink and I was so close-"
"..." Lady Sera's silence spoke volumes as her eyes pierced through Frank's for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Lady Sera, sighed and sat back down with the help of her younger sister. "You know what Frank, do whatever. I adopted you from that orphanage years ago due to your genius abilities and y'know what if I have to deal with.. this, as consequence, I will take the good with the bad." she turned her head over to her sister, "Darling Emily, will you please lead this presentation for me, I'm fatigued."
Lady Emily strode to the top of the room, where a picture of the Hazbin Hotel was placed. It was a ten story, red building with many windows lit up, making it outlandish in the dumps of Hazbin. It looked as if some rich guy got bored and decided to make a raunchy casino where people go to lose all their money when they've lost everything else. It was indeed an elaborate amalgamation of windows and turrets barely holding themselves together.
As Lady Emily strode to the picture, murmurs came from people seated at the table, ridiculing Lady Sera for her informality and Mr. Frank Eggz for his "peculiar" reasoning. These mummers soon came to a halt as Lady Emily clapped her hands.
"Right! So..."
The Hazbin Hotel, an alternative title being the Happy Rehabilitation centre, formally known as the Poison Apple, was started by Lucifer Morningstar's daughter Charlie Morningstar as a way to rehabilitate prisoners in Hazbin and make them "better."
A swarm of cries came from the people seated.
"They already decided where they belong, when they decided to do whatever put them there in the first place!"
"It's not that I think people can't get better but they're barely human ."
"God Almighty did not entrust us with Hazbin for us to make havoc!"
Lady Sera, slumped in her chair due to Frank, closed her eyes, breathed in and out for a few moments, straightening herself, before upbraiding the people who were seated. "If I wanted to hear whining, I would've gone to kindergarten, so please shut the hell up."
"Uhm, thank you Lady Sera! Shall we continue?..." As Lady Emily continued the presentation not one person dared to move a twitch or utter a single phrase out of pure embarrassment and for the sake of their dignity.
The Hazbin Hotel has been up and running for at least 7 months, it is not very popular among the prisoners and only 1, known as Angel dust, is in the Hazbin Hotel. However, it is unknown if he is actively trying to become better or just staying there for free shelter. The reason why they are suddenly interested in it now is because an overlord has decided to pursue a partnership with the hotel. This overlord, known as Alastor, last name unknown, has been missing for 7 years, and the Heaven Government suspects that he may have something to do with Lilith Morningstar's disappearance after she divorced Lucifer and left Hazbin.
Frank, of course, was not listening to a lick of what Lady Emily was saying. It's not that he didn't think what she was saying was important, no he respected her more than ever. However, Mr Frank Eggz had a bad habit of completely and utterly zoning out when it was most important. Instead of listening he went to his "happy place."
A tall young man stood before Frank. He had long dark green hair that was similar to Lady Sera's, looked more like a snake than wings, he had a smug smile on his face as he fidgeted with his black bowtie. He wore a bright pink waistcoat with golden pearls and a blouse underneath with golden buttons on the top. He was looking down at Frank fondly.
Behind him, though, everything but the man was blurry as per memories. Frank could barely see another man working on what seemed to be a... rubber duck? He had wavy, short blonde hair and was wearing a mask with a smile on it and rosy cheeks, sort of like a mime. He was holding a power drill as he removed a wing from the duck.
Frank felt tears coming from his bloodshot eyes, he raised his hands to see the tears that fell on them, his nose soon became stuffy as the man in front looked with horror.
"What is h-he doing to MR DUCKY!!!" Frank blurted out through the sobs.
The man quickly ran to him as hugged him tightly. Frank felt the snot and tears come onto the ma's waistcoat. To bad... it looked expensive. "shhh... it'sss okay, Lucy'sss jusst "upgrading" Misster Ducky" The man said in a comforting tone. Despite the reassurance Frank felt more tears coming on.
Lucifer, now coming more into frame, was wearing a denim red apron with a duck shooting flames out of its mouth on it and on his hand two black gloves. He ran to Frank and crouched down. "Hey... buddy! I'm not doing anything to Mr Ducky!
"LIES!" Frank scolded.
"Now, now, let'sss hear the man out." The man calmly said.
"Thank you my dear assistant, I was simply helping Mr Ducky from being great to EM-PY-RE-AL! I mean look what it can do!"
Lucifer then stood up and pointed the duck at one of the bullseyes in the workshop. It was quite odd for the white was black, the black was white, the blue was purple, the red was green and the yellow was blue. As Lucifer pointed the beak at the target, Frank, now being disappointedly released from the man's comforting hold, heard the door creak open.
Flames came out of the rubber duck and set the bullseye aflame as a younger Lady Sera came through the door. Her hair was a bit more shorter with it reaching her back as opposed to, in the future, being to her ankles. Still, it resembled wings and her eyes were still filled with wisdom. Yet she still looked more youthful and a lot more like her younger sister Emily.
"MY GOD, Lucifer Morningstar what in GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING! MUCH LESS WITH MY CHILD!"
"Oh, don't be like that, I already asked you to call me Lucy. And your child's just fine, see?" He gestured towards a young Frank. "Not a burn mark on him, well apart from the soot. But other than that he's perfectly fine!"
"I have no idea how Lilith puts up with your- just- BULLSHIT! I thought I asked you to take care of him in your own home with a responsible adult aka LILITH, while I was busy taking care of a meeting with you father, God Almighty. I swear you have absolutely no resemblance to him in your mannerisms, I swear if it weren't for you're appearance I would think that you're father would be someone like Adam!"
"Hey! I'm not that bad..."
"Why would Lilith be at home with Lucy?" young Frank questioned.
The pair of Lady Sera and Lucifer looked at each other perturbed.
"Noo reasoooon..." Lady Emily excused.
"Hey Buddy! How 'bout you go with-"
"SIR PENTIOUS!" Frank spouted in the middle of the meeting.
The rest of the people seated looked at him as if he was mentally disturbed and if he had just broken out of prison.
"Yes... Sir Pentious will be informing the Heaven government on the state of affairs in the Hazbin Hotel; and any suspicions on what may be going on there with the lovechild of Lucifer Morningstar and why she has decided to team up with the returned Alastor." Lady Emily explained.
A few of the people seated muttered something about how unruly the government have become that they are willing to team up with a spy from the "Vees", an entertainment company in Hazbin.
"However, in order for this to look less suspicious, as Sir Pentious was a close friend and co-worker of Lucifer Morningstar, we must send another person to go with him. That is why we have gathered you all here today." Lady Sera explained, wary of the response.
Another shout of cries came from the people seated.
"They expect us to become buddy-buddy with a PRISONER!"
"I usually would do anything for the Heaven government but this is just a step to far!"
"This is a joke right?"
"Perhaps this is a test to show how loyal we are? I can't imagine it being anything else. Isn't the Heaven government supposed to keep people happy, hence the name?"
Frank, ever the enthusiastic, raised his hand.
"I want to go."
"Okay Frank."
"I like Sir Pentious. I remember him as a child."
"I know Frank, you blab about him everyday, which is precisely why we can't let you go. You'll get distracted." Lady Sera reasoned.
"I'm not so sure about that, both Frank and Sir Pentious are pretty hard workers and it'll be much better to have two people working together that have a familiar bond then two strangers. In addition, I'm not sure many of the people here are as willing as Frank to work on this mission." Lady Emily argued
Another wave of louder protests about the mission came up.
"Ever so enthusiastic to make me the bad guy, aren't you?" Lady Sera whispered to herself bitterly.
"Sorry, I don't think I heard that dear sister,"
"It was nothing." Lady Sera snapped back. "Frank, I understand you're keen but must understand-"
"I UNDERSTAND!"
Lady Sera sighed for a moment, "You must make sure your friendship does not get in the way of your work. Can you do that?"
"Yes ma'am!"
"Well, with that, I suppose this meeting is adjourned." She stood up from her chair once again and slammed her palms on the table, "And to everyone who didn't hear that because they were to busy whining, get the fuck out. You're all fired."