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“And cut! That’s a wrap, Jimin-ah. Amazing job as always,” the director cheered, clapping and setting off a wave of applause from the rest of the crew as well as the dancers still poised behind Jimin in the last shot of his new music video.
“Ah, thank you for your support and endless energy, everyone. I owe it all to you,” Jimin bowed, making his way to everyone on the set to shake their hands and, in most cases, wrap them in a tight hug.
After four days of filming and numerous redos of numerous parts of the choreo Jimin had worked so hard to develop, the music video was ready. The title track of his new album finally had its leading aesthetic. Editing and sound engineering would still need to make some tweaks and polish it up, but it would be minimal.
As Jimin settled into the chauffeured car taking him back to his hotel, he pulled out his phone and instinctively began typing out a message to Namjoon, wanting to gush about his favorite parts of the day and let his hyung know his shoot was complete.
“Crap,” Jimin’s right thumb froze over the send button, his eyes falling on the time in the upper right hand corner of his phone. “It’s 4:00 AM in Korea. He must be passed out right now.”
For a moment, Jimin had forgotten it was nighttime in Hungary because that’s where he was. Not at home a mere floor away from the person who had become his closest friend, his most dependable confidante, and his anchor to the world. Because that was the truth. Namjoon grounded him–with his kind words, his supportive actions, and his beautifully dimpled smiles.
Just thinking about one of his hyung’s warm smiles made Jimin’s own lips twist up.
“Who is my heart waiting for ?” he sang airily, the words filtering out before Jimin could even process them.
And, as naturally as his song lyrics had come to him, a single name escaped from his lips.
“Namjoon.”
For a moment, Jimin could only sit there in stunned silence. Had that been a mistake? Did he happen to use his hyung’s name to respond to the main question of his song simply because he had been thinking of him prior. Or perhaps…Could it be that it had to be Namjoon’s name because lately he was the only person on Jimin’s mind?
“No, no, it can’t be,” Jimin whispered, letting his head fall back against the seat’s headrest and closing his eyes.
He had spent 11 years of his life following Kim Namjoon (if he was being completely honest, following him blindly ) and trusting that his hyung would help him achieve all of his dreams. For over a decade, Jimin had thought of the rapper as a leader, an older brother, a best friend, and a role model. He had pushed away any inappropriate thoughts and kept Namjoon on an unattainable pedestal because seeing him in a romantic light was dangerous.
BTS functioned as a harmonious unit because there wasn’t any mess or tension between them. No member had cheated on another member or had a drunk one night stand with another member or led one another on. Their roles were firmly defined as brothers. Sure, they flirted a bit–Jimin more than the rest–and played around with the idea of romance, but the lines had never been crossed. They couldn’t be. For the sake of the group.
Except…
Except that some days Jimin felt so fucking lonely, felt like if he fell off the face of the Earth, it wouldn’t matter to anyone because he wasn’t special to anyone. He was nobody’s “person.” He was just Jimin.
He hadn’t reached this point for lack of trying. Jimin had become more confident in his identity as a gay man over the course of his early twenties, and he had given dating and relationships an earnest try. His longest relationship lasted two years and he’d fallen in love with his partner, but somehow they crashed and burned in the span of a week. Jimin had been confused about that for months after because if they’d been truly madly deeply in love, why didn't they fight for each other? Why had it been so easy to part ways and forget everything?
In the album exchange he’d filmed earlier that week with Namjoon, he’d confessed to his hyung that he didn’t remember what it felt like to have a crush, that the feeling was almost foreign to him. Jimin hadn’t lied, but he had certainly omitted. While the fiery yet fleeting sensation of a budding attraction was all but unknown to him now, there was a heavier, more profound feeling existing within him. A pleasurable ache he became distinctly aware of every time he spoke with Namjoon.
When he first began writing “Who,” his mind had gone blank when he repeated the song’s hook because he genuinely thought he didn’t have an answer. Today, it was undeniable. He was in love.
❣️❣️❣️
Jimin was attempting to watch the news, telling himself he wanted to catch up with current events in Korea after almost a week in Hungary. His attempt was unsuccessful, partly because the news segment had been dedicated to boring political party infighting, but mostly because he had plopped himself on the couch and turned on the TV as a distraction. From what? Oh from his closely impending doom.
As if it were scripted by the universe, there came a series of knocks on his door. Jimin knew, without a doubt, that Namjoon was outside. You see, after realizing he was profoundly in love with his hyung, Jimin had gone into panic mode, turning off his phone and throwing it to the bottom of his suitcase. He communicated only with his manager, in person, telling him he was exhausted after the video shoot and adding that he was coming down with a cold and needed as much rest as possible.
Jimin was forced to turn his phone back on at the airport because his boarding pass for his flight home to Korea was buried in his email inbox. He had almost dropped the phone when he saw the 10 missed calls and 30 unread messages from Namjoon. It seemed his hyung had been thinking about him too.
Not knowing what to do with that, Jimin gladly chose to continue with his cowardly ways and turned his phone back off as soon as his boarding pass was scanned. His flight had come in at around 4:00 PM and he’d been safe for a few hours because Namjoon was at the studio–he knew the rapper was working on a couple of projects with fellow HYBE artists. Unfortunately, it was 11:45 PM, which both Jimin and Namjoon considered to be “early night,” and Jimin would have to face the man he was in love with a mere two days after realizing the fact.
Another series of knocks came, louder and more insistent this time. Jimin swallowed heavily as he forced himself to stand up from the couch and walk to the door. It had been intimidating to sit beside Namjoon and present his Muse album for the elder to critique, but neither then nor anytime before had Jimin felt so terrified to look into Namjoon’s dark eyes and hear his unfiltered thoughts. Because there was no way Jimin could hide this from him.
Sure, Jimin could bluff and bluster his way through the toughest strategy games BTS was asked to play for their variety show. He could pull together an immaculate poker face and he could use his charm to maneuver conversations only in the directions he wanted. He could do all that and more–when it was fake.
But this wasn’t a game or a variety show segment. This was Jimin’s real life, and in real life, Jimin was a hot mess when it came to romantic feelings. He would blurt out the full intensity of his emotions at the wrong time or keep things bottled up and self-implode. More than one of his past boyfriends had labeled him “clingy and co-dependent.” And that wouldn’t be new to Namjoon, who had known Jimin through his most toxic phases and understood him from the inside out, but it was different when the person was your friend versus your partner. A man as independent and driven as Namjoon wouldn’t want to deal with Jimin’s interminable need for affirmation and affection.
Worst of all was that Jimin’s flaws were the tip of the iceberg. Here he was worrying about a relationship that could never be because Namjoon as his leader was, for all intents and purposes, forbidden.
Trying to push the stream of doubts to the back of his mind, Jimin pasted on a smile and slowly pulled open the door.
“Hi hyung, I just–ooh,” Jimin squeaked, the rest of his sentence trailing off as he was swept into Namjoon’s arms and drawn tightly to his broad chest.
“Fucking hell, Jimin, I’ve been so worried,” Namjoon cursed, pressing his forehead to the top of Jimin’s head, taking a deep breath and inhaling the sweet vanilla scent of his shampoo. “After I couldn’t reach you that first day, I called your manager at like 5:00 AM your time and he told me you were sick. I imagined the worst. At your sickest, you’ve always checked in to let me know you were okay. I almost called your parents to see if they could reach you, but I didn’t want to freak them out.”
“It was only two days,” Jimin weakly replied, words slightly muffled against Namjoon’s hoodie.
He felt the elder shake his head and was suddenly released, staring up to find Namjoon looking pissed.
“It’s not like you to block the world out for so long. I texted the other members, but most of them didn’t even know you were filming in Hungary. Jimin, we tell each other everything. We have hour-long phone calls every day about stupid shit and longer ones for the serious stuff. We don’t shut each other out.”
“I’m sorry,” Jimin whispered, feeling wetness grow behind his eyes.
He hadn’t expected to tear up so early in the conversation. That did not bode well for how the rest of the evening would go. He hadn’t even gotten to the unrequited love part.
“Don’t cry, Jiminie,” Namjoon sighed, pulling Jimin back into his arms, one hand going to hold the blonde’s head as the other rested on the small of his back.
The embrace felt incredibly intimate and Jimin’s tears stopped as his body focused on the tingly sensation caused by Namjoon’s touch. As Namjoon began running his fingers through his hair, Jimin thought back over the years, trying to remember another time when his hyung had held him in this way. No memories came to mind. Namjoon had admitted to all of the members that he struggled with physical touch and felt awkward expressing his feelings through affection, but this felt plenty affectionate.
“Tell me what happened. Why did you shut yourself off for two days?” Namjoon asked, not stopping his caresses.
“Nothing, just got caught up with my music video,” Jimin mumbled.
“You’re lying, Jiminie,” Namjoon refuted.
“I’m not,” he grumbled, but Namjoon only chuckled.
“I know you, remember? Probably better than I know myself. I can hear it in your voice and don’t think I didn’t see it in your face the second you opened the door. There’s something more.”
Jimin’s face turned a dark shade of rose at Namjoon’s words. It seemed he didn’t have the slightest chance of fooling his hyung because wow. Better than he knew himself? That was such a strong statement for a man as self-reflective and introspective as Kim Namjoon.
“I-I can’t tell you.”
This time, when he ended their hug, Namjoon was frowning.
“You can’t tell me specifically? Have I done something wrong?”
“No! No, hyung, it’s just complicated.”
“Jimin, I have to start my service in less than a month. I don’t want to leave anything unresolved between us. Please.”
“That’s so soon,” Jimin murmured, suddenly feeling devastated at the reminder of their imminent parting.
“Hey,” Namjoon gently grabbed the younger’s face with one hand, tiling his chin up so he could stare deeply into his eyes. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Namjoon stepped closer, eliminating the distance between them until they were so close they shared their next breath together. In that moment, Jimin made a decision he knew would change the course of his life. There was no going back from this.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, Jimin let himself get lost in Namjoon’s beautiful brown eyes and confessed his truth.
“I love you, hyung. I-I’m in love with you.”
Jimin watched Namjoon process his words, taking in the furrow of his brow and the parting of his lips. His overall expression was impossible to read, but it sure didn’t seem like overwhelming excitement. It didn’t seem like Jimin was going to get the response he so dearly desired. And that was okay. Maybe Namjoon wasn’t who his heart was waiting for. Maybe he’d been wrong.
This time, the tears fell in a steady cascade. It wasn’t long before Jimin was sobbing. All he wanted was to lock himself in his room to mourn what could have been but never was. He had taken a step towards the hallway, fully prepared to run away, but then Namjoon was moving. In two swift strides, he had taken Jimin’s face in his hands and bent down to bring their lips together.
It was the most passionate kiss of Jimin’s life. Fireworks exploded behind his closed eyes as he gasped for breath between the euphoric pressure of Namjoon’s mouth against his. He didn’t know where he ended and Namjoon began, and he didn’t care. If this kiss became his eternity, he would consider himself blessed.
“Jimin,” Namjoon panted against his lips. “I love you too.”
Jimin felt that the universe had shifted, that his most profound yearning–to love and be loved in return–had finally been granted. It didn’t feel real.
“You love me?” he asked in stunned disbelief.
Namjoon wiped the tears from his face with the utmost gentleness and fixed him with a look of tenderness and adoration.
“For so long, I’ve tried to find love in the wrong places, with the wrong people. I couldn’t figure out where I was going wrong. In my last album, you know how much anger I was releasing–anger at myself, at the world, at my exes. I reached my darkest point, but there you were. Like you’ve always been. You believe in me when I don’t believe in myself and you give me endless trust and support. Your light is so powerful, so radiant. You helped me chase the darkness away. That’s when I realized…You’re my person, Park Jimin. It’s always been you; I was just the idiot who couldn’t see it until now.”
Jimin pressed his hands to his mouth to muffle the loud sob that threatened to escape. Could it be? Was he truly getting to hear the words he’d been dreaming of for so long from the most important person in his life–the person who’d had the greatest impact on who he was as an artist and as a human being?
“I love you,” Namjoon repeated quietly.
“Me too, hyung. So much . You have no idea,” he sniffed. “I freaked out when I figured out what my feelings for you really were. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You had a right to go through your process.”
“Yeah, but why was my process such a mess? You seem to have everything perfectly figured out,” Jimin pouted, making Namjoon laugh.
“Not at all,” the elder said, pressing a kiss to Jimin’s pretty lips. “I’ve just had more time to manage my freak out. You think I didn’t have an enormous spiral when I realized I was in love with a bandmate I was supposed to see as a little brother and nothing else? The weight of our fame still hangs heavy for me, but time helped me make my peace with our reality. Ultimately, I don’t care what anyone else thinks. Nothing would make me happier than loving you, Jimin. You’re it for me.”
“Hyung,” Jimin whined. “Stop saying all of these beautiful things at once. You’re going to make me bawl again.”
“Sorry, sweetheart, but once the gates are open, they’re hard to close,” he shrugged.
Jimin reddened at the nickname, a fact which didn’t escape Namjoon’s notice.
“You like that?” He gave the blonde a quick peck. “Sweetheart?”
“Maybe,” he murmured. “Call me more cute things.”
Namjoon chuckled.
“Okay then,” he agreed, beginning to list pet names as he pressed a kiss to a new part of Jimin’s face. “Baby, darling, pumpkin,” a kiss went to his tiny nose, left cheek, and right cheek. “Honey, precious, little prince,” a kiss for his forehead and for each closed eyelid.
“Mmm, I want this forever and ever,” Jimin sighed dreamily.
“Then you’ll have it,” Namjoon whispered.
Jimin’s eyes opened, and he beamed up at Namjoon.
“I love you.”
“I want you to know what I said in the interview I did separate from our conversation on your album. It was the most personal thing I shared, and you deserve to know before the rest of the world sees that video.”
Jimin tilted his head, a bit confused at Namjoon’s response, but he nodded.
“I said, ‘Of all the people I’ve known since becoming an adult, he’s the one I love and trust the most. Whenever Jimin needs me, I’ll always be there for him.’ I mean that, Jimin. You want forever and ever with me? Nothing would make me happier.”
Jimin jumped into his arms, fresh tears springing up at the pure joy he felt in that moment. He already had a million ideas for new songs. There would be no more questions about who his heart was waiting for. He knew exactly who his heart belonged to.