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Maybe it’s better if you don’t know.
Nessarose Louise Burroughs had lived twice and died once. She didn’t think that was possible, to be frank. Sure, there was magic that could restore the dead, but she’d been rather sure she wasn’t coming back the way she died.
Even now the memory came back in blurry waves - blood and terror, someone screaming (herself?) a woman with violet hair holding her hand and keeping her gaze locked on Nessa’s own, the gradual terror that woman was coming with her and the gratitude that at least she wasn’t going alone, the echoing thought of at least now I’ve done something to be worthy of you –
That woman was Gloxinia, and she was the one thing Nessa remembered with full clarity. So much of her “past life” was blurred now. It was so clear and sharp when she woke up again in the Cradle, screaming and sobbing, waking the twin she hadn’t ever had prior to now.
But now this new life’s memories were overtaking her past. Little by little, Nessarose Burroughs of the Retroverse was fading out and Nessa Burroughs of Neo Arcadia was fading in. Names, faces, places and memories were slowly enveloped by the fog of time even as she fought for them– but the memories of Gloxinia stayed fresh and clear. Sharp, like they were recorded in HD just for her.
So you can imagine the surprise she felt when she saw Gloxinia again - the same girl, the same hair and eyes, the same glasses and shy smile. No wings, and no sword, but definitely the same girl with the same name. Nessa had met her by complete chance at a cafe, sitting in a sunbeam with a book and some tea, and Nessa had nearly tripped all over herself trying to get over to her: calling her name and then feeling part of her heart snap when Gloxinia asked how did you know?
Nessa had managed to brush that off with a oh sorry you look just like someone who happens to have the same name, haha, I’m Nessa, who’re you? But that had been a new way to feel her heart break.
But, maybe it was just that Gloxinia was being careful. After all, this world had no magic left in it! Maybe she was scared of sounding insane. Nessa tried a few more times to supply hints - like saying she thought she saw wings behind Gloxinia’s back in the shafts of sunlight, how she looked like a sword should fit perfectly in her hand, the way the red of her eyes made a rose envious…
But every time she was laughed off, sweetly, but still laughed off. You’ve quite an imagination, Nessa. Or do you really think so? I can’t imagine…, or you’ll make me blush being so complimentary, Nessa.
She’d have begged the gods to hear the familiar my lady cross the threshold of the woman’s lips just once, but to no avail. Gloxinia Startwist did not remember her. And despite how Nessa’s heart wept at such unfairness, it was the reality she now lived in. No glimmer of recognition sparked in the eyes she’d loved so much a lifetime ago. Nessarose Burroughs of the Retroverse did not exist to Gloxinia of Neo Arcadia, and in some dark way Nessa wondered if maybe that wasn’t better for her.
No lady to die for meant she’d be alive longer. Safer. More protected that way, Nessa muttered to herself, watching the woman from a roof nearby - rooftops had more and more became her favorite places to linger lately, as if connecting herself to the sky would connect her to Gloxinia again or reattach her severed threads of memory to Nessa’s own.
That was magical thinking, however, and magic was gone, and Gloxinia’s memory was gone. She could live quietly, happily - a gentle dreamer in an ocean of insomnia, a quiet island of peace in an ever-stormy sea. And as long as she could gaze upon that island, Nessa would be happy. Right?
…Not right at all, actually, Nessa grimaced to herself. Not with Neo Arcadia the way it was. Not with anyone at any time liable to be declared Maverick for the crime of existing, not with Nessa liable to be discovered at any time and executed.
It was better to accept the truth that the Gloxinia who loved her - who she’d loved - was far beyond her reach now and the girl remaining here was a taunt from a god who hated her. She decided it was Vecna, her family dealt enough in the dark and dire that he might be responsible.
…
Gloxinia looked so beautiful in the fading sunlight. So carefree. No weight on her shoulders, not like the weight of being a knight devoted to a lady who hated herself louder than her friends could love her. She really would be better off like this. Happier. Safer.
…
Maybe it could just be Nessa’s turn now. Nessa would be the knight for her, and Gloxinia her lady. She already devoted herself to Nissel’s safety and protection, what would one more charge be? This new world could hurt her at any moment, it just needed the right kind of chance. A chance Nessa already decided she wasn’t going to let it have.
Rising up from her spot at the rooftop edge, she watched Gloxinia return home - and then bounded off into the night, purpose renewed.
Nessa was going to fix this damned city. So Nissel could leave peacefully, happily, and so Gloxinia had no need to ever remember the Lady she died for.
That was truly all she could do. Nessa would lock that love she felt up in her heart next to the Retroverse memories she desperately clung to, and pray that when the time came that Gloxinia fell in love with someone else she’d have the strength to smile through it. Until then, though. Until then, she’d just daydream.
Just like always. Just like before. With eyes the color of roses and a voice whisper-sweet in her ears, the Gloxinia in her daydreams would remember her, and the Gloxinia in Neo Arcadia would be her dear friend. This had to be good enough.
It had to be.
Maybe, if she just sacrificed enough this time around, things would finally be well and truly different.