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Dazai-san was a role model. The kind of person who always makes you feel he understands you, the kind who makes you feel safe around him, while keeping himself, his personality and his insecurities to himself.
Like a wall. That's what everyone thought, you got used to it.
But was it strange for Atsushi to see him as a wall in ruins, with the reputation of being more solid than it really was?
For Atsushi, Dazai-san was his mentor, his saviour who had reached out to him and keeps doing so again and again, trusting him more than he trusted himself.
He wasn't a friend, more like a master, a guide.
And yet... and yet.
The rain had decided to put an end to their search at the end of the afternoon, falling in heavy drops accompanied by the deafening sound of thunder.
The three of them were soaked from head to toe, but only Dazai dared to complain, with the sole aim of annoying Kunikida more than he already was.
‘Kunikida! Kunikida look! My beautiful curls are soaked! And my trench coat! And my shoes! Hey, Kunikida... I'm cold. I'm hungry.’
Atsushi could see Kunikida's patience slipping away with every wail that came out of Dazai's mouth, the detective gripping the steering wheel tighter and tighter, trying to hold back the scream that was rising in his throat. It was a familiar scene.
Finally Kunikida barks in Dazai's face, as usual. This left a childish smile on his pale face, like confirmation that he was finally going to be silent, having got what he wanted. But Dazai didn't know how to keep quiet.
‘A-tsu-shi-kun ~’ his voice drawled, articulating more than necessary.
A shiver ran down the younger boy's back, and he raised his head, offering the older boy an awkward smile.
‘You're so quiet, ah! You can complain if you want, it'll make you feel better.’ he smiled malevolently, turning his attention back to Kunikida. ‘You can say that Kunikida is stupid, haha! Because of him we're soaked... mmh~’ he taps his chin with his forefinger, as if thinking hard: ’I wonder if I can drown in this rain. Hmm? What do you think Atsushi-kun?’
Atsushi didn't hear, he stopped hearing as soon as the idea of death had entered Dazai's mind.
Over the months they'd spent together, Atsushi had developed a certain talent for reading Dazai... well, that was saying too much. He was just better at reading his eyes and had noticed 2 things that gripped his heart. The first was that the light in the hazel eyes was false and forced. Even at the happiest times. The second was that you could get a glimpse of the real Dazai when he was thinking about suicide. But not in his usual way, laughing and trying to annoy other people. No, it was when he thought about it seriously, when he wanted it for real.
Atsushi swallowed hard, coming back to his senses.
His heart leapt as he hastily backed into the soft seat of the car.
Since when had Dazai been so close?
‘Dazai-san!’ he exclaims, trying to calm his fright.
The man scoffs, before sitting up properly in the passenger seat.
‘Look what you've done Kunikida, Atsushi is rambling because of you.’
‘All right, I get it!’ barks Kunikida nervously. ‘Let's look for an inn where we can rest.’
Kunikida had categorically refused to sleep with Dazai, but leaving him alone was out of the question. In other words, Atsushi found himself in the same room as Dazai.
The latter was buried under his duvet after taking a shower. He was lying on his stomach, face down in the cushion, motionless.
Atsushi picked up his soaked trench coat and hung it up to dry a little while he wiped his hair.
They were lucky to find this inn at an acceptable price and with rooms available at this time of year.
With summer in the air, the countryside was one of the favourite destinations for tourists, and many stayed in this type of inn, but it seemed that this small village had not attracted many people in mid-July.
Atsushi approached the window to listen to the storm. The rain continued to fall, without any sign of weakness, covering the dark countryside with its veil. He liked the countryside, but unfortunately they weren't here on holiday, more to worry about a group of criminals.
His sunset-coloured irises drifted back to the man on the bed. He was still lying on his stomach, his nose in the cushion...
Atsushi began to panic. In this position it was almost impossible to breathe properly.
Had Dazai fallen asleep? Did he need to move his face so that he could breathe better?
He frowned worriedly. Already 5 minutes... Dazai was completely motionless.
Atsushi dropped the towel from his hair and ran to the man on the bed. But before he can touch him, his outstretched hand is stopped.
‘What's wrong Atsushi?’
‘Ah...’
He was speechless although relieved. Dazai let him go, sitting up yawning on the bed.
‘I fell asleep... I'm even hungrier now, let's go get Kunikida.’
He leaps to leave the room, holding his stomach comically.
Atsushi nods, a little confused and in no way believing his lie.
The meal had been as chaotic as you'd expect with the three of them around the same table. It wasn't copious, nor was it very refined, but what more could Atsushi ask for? He was eating with people, with friends, with family. Just a few months ago, he didn't even dare imagine it. But here he was, trying to stop the dishes from spilling while Kunikida waved Dazai around like a tea towel, deeply annoyed.
And he owed it all to one man, Dazai Osamu.
Being a member of the armed detective agency wasn't paradise: the enemies were violent, the fear gnawed at him with every mission, letting his stress play with his senses and his will. He had been so close to death so many times he didn't want to count, he had seen others so close to death so many times he forgot to count... But it had given him a family and taught him to feel good about it.
But the man who had made it all possible was the most distant member of that family. Dazai-san seemed so close, he seemed to keep an eye on him at all times to protect him, help him, make him grow in this life, but he seemed so far away at the same time. Untouchable, impenetrable, impervious to everything. It was an imposing wall, like the fortress of a castle. At least until you got a little closer, despite the fear of being shot, then you would no longer see the illusion of an impenetrable wall, but rather the frailest ruins, trying as best they could to stay together. Why was he doing so much violence to himself, when he wanted so much to die?
As he approached he saw a man in pain, what was he suffering from? What had Dazai Osamu been through so much that would reduce him to what he was? Why did he seem to be constantly searching for release and redemption?
‘Atsushi-kun...’
His slightly worried voice finally reaches his brain. Atsushi shuddered, looking at Dazai with an awkward smile.
‘Dazai-san?’
The man was lying on his back, hands behind his head and one leg over the other: relaxed and yet giving the impression of having everything under control. Except at the moment.
‘What's troubling you, Atsushi-kun?’
He hadn't realised that he'd been standing in front of their bedroom door for so long that the heavy raindrops had become thin and light. There was no point in lying to him, so Atsushi walked over and sat down on his bed facing Dazai.
He bows his head, trying to find the best possible wording.
‘Dazai-san...’ he thinks a little longer before deciding that this is the best approach at the moment ’Why do you look like a ruined wall?’
In the silence he raised his eyes a little braver, the brown-haired man in front of him blinked, but not for long: this was Dazai Osamu after all.
‘You shouldn't worry so much Atsushi.’
He'd been expecting this delicate rejection.
‘Dazai-san... you saved me, you're like family to me. I also want you to feel the way I feel today and relieve you of the pain.’
‘Atsushi-’
‘That's true! It's the least I can do.’
Dazai straightened up, mimicking his posture in front of him.
‘It's all right Atsushi-kun.’
It was a firm voice, strangely deep and cold like ice that burns when touched.
The mask seemed to have shifted a little, revealing a hint of his real self. Atsushi swallowed hard.
‘Dazai-san?’
‘Mmh?’
He stood up, taking a few steps towards the window. He was perturbed and seemed to be searching for some of his self-control in the dark night.
‘What hurts you?’
The window opened wide, letting a warm wind rush in.
He didn't expect an answer. No answer came except that of an aggressive rain that was starting again.
Atsushi moved closer, wanting to watch the rain too, the same landscape as this man, and maybe he would see what he was seeing too.
A few minutes or maybe even an hour passed before Dazai turned back to him.
‘Atsushi-kun?’ He pauses, looking up at him. ‘Can you hug me? You know... like a member of your family.’
Dazai smiled, glowed even. So bright in the dark night like a night sun that not even the moon could steal the light from.
Atsushi squinted his eyes, a little to protect himself from the light, a little out of pain. He gritted his teeth, watching that mask. He had made the situation worse. Dazai had retreated a little further into his ruined fortress.
He stepped back a little, before giving in and opening his arms, hugging the slender figure to him, to his heart, as if to let him hear his distress.