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I dream of you.
again.
The ‘you’ with your significant beautiful remarks of tiny dimples created on your left cheek, close to the side of your thin lips. Close enough for me to kiss those sweet yet poisonous medicine of your passionate syringe.
In the past times when we have a freedom for a precious second on the sounds of waves hitting the massive rocks below the unrest blue oceans.
Under the shining Moon in the spring season, thousands– no, maybe millions (?) of stellars luminously present around the lonely scars Moon. The Sun was leaving, let alone the Moon to shine by itself along with its company so it's not gonna by its own.
That's how it was supposed to be to us.
She was the Sun and I am the Moon.
Her alluring voices resonate through the translucent surface, not even the waves could outright her own beats while she still can. The booming loud of her laughing was a nice genre of jazz song emitting in my eardrum. The top first of my favorite songs in my whole life besides her mellifluous taste of voices everytime she spoke.
Walking behind her was the safe steps for me to take, while enjoying the rarest fine art worked by Heaven and she fell into the immoral place.
Which is this world.
“I could stay here for a couple of days.”
Well, I will stay with you until your last breath, [Name].
Which is I did.
Until that day, I didn't notice how strange and odd her acting was beyond my control. How her usual antics of being so chirpy even pigeons and crows were annoyed hearing her alluring voices.
Nobody's gonna know.
No one's gonna learn.
Not anyone gonna see.
The truth behind the smile someone always wears on their face is actually fake or genuine.
It generally means either they want to assure themselves to keep calm, other people or just literally, smile. Because they think that's the only way they could maintain a better life with the people they have benefits with.
Same goes with [Name]. With those small, deep curves of dimples on her right cheek appear every time her lips curl upwards. The smiles drag her both sets of russet almond eyes to create the same way as her lips.
Fair enough she doesn't have time to make any stupid ordeals in her lifetime, because she knew it was a stupid step to fit in. Besides, it wastes her precious second to enjoy her life as long as she still has oxygen to breathe.
Unaware of her strange and odd behavior, not really going through in my head until then. Later after, my steps decided to follow her without those trails of footsteps on the sand, and lost the print.
“You're strangely so quiet today, Na-chi.”
“I was enjoying the view.”
She turned around, her hands both on her back while walking backwards as her head tilted. “You walk behind me.”
You're worth to view than these ugly world, my love.
As if I could afford to pronounce those words since I'm not really a sweet diabetes talker.
“Walk next to me, Na-chi. You seem like you are trying to put a wall between us. Or I'm gonna sulk.” Her pouty lips were created along with a frown in between her eyebrows.
Sarcastically, I throw a smirk with her attics. “Go on sulk then. Let's see how long you can stand me biting your duck lips and maybe a present of love bite on your neck.”
“Try me.”
“You asked.”
Those sandy beaches were leaving a trail of her small footsteps while I was fleeing to catch her. She tried to run away. Her sweet boisterous laugh echoing in my head like a broken cassette.
The short-sleeved white dresses below her knee are almost soaked by the sea. Not enough to make her stop before I grabbed by her waist and crushed onto my front chest.
A brief yelps trespassing, while I was steadying myself not to fall into the water even though it was barely to drown my whole body and her too. My clean, bright white baggy long t-shirt has tainted with those salty water because of the suddenly strong waves hitting my back. Let alone my black long pants which are already weighing a full amount of seawater.
I sighed, a sign of giving up my last pieces of clothes I have in my car. “I'm wet.”
Her body vibrated with her slight chuckles in my arms, turning her head to my direction and giving a set of dark eyes to me. “So dirty.”
I challenged her face by lifting one of my eyebrows, closing the gap between our faces. “Wanna see the real meaning of it?”
“Oh, I'm scared.” a fake terrific emotion resurfaced through her features before I bit her right ears and it drastically changed into the truth horror.
“Dude! That's my ears.”
“Say that name again and I will bite your mouth. Don't act like it wasn't your first time.”
I heard her groan. “Shut up.”
“My mouth, so my choice.”
“When can I win over your noisy mouth?”
“So you care more about winning my noisy mouth than my fragile heart?”
“I don't need to because I'm already did.”
“You sure?”
“Well, you cancel your plan with your friends so you can have time with me.”
Because at that time I didn't know when I'm gonna see you for the last time.
And I can't afford to regret it after you are gone.
It still hurts. Till now.
“Say Na-chi.”
“Hm?”
“What's your thoughts about the future?”
Future.
Currently, that's the most depressing and depressing piece of words yet to leave my own vocabulary since then.
“My future?”
I just want to be with you.
You were all that I've ever wished for but never had the luck to get.
I don't really pray when there's a thing related to some powerful lords or gods since I'm not really that religious.
Because I was far from believing there's actually something powerful to give her a second chance to bask her precious joy of life once again.
That's disgustingly not gonna happen.
Slowly the cracks inside are getting bigger and more narrow than before.
This isn't the ending that I was physically and mentally able to accept.
This isn't the ending that I wish for us to be.
Except for those seconds into, I was far from having any clue what's gonna be without my knowledge about her.
When I was supposed to be by her side, but in actual truth it wasn't.
I didn't acknowledge how her look in those pretty and mesmerizing pair of breathtaking orbs telling the different tales for me. Foolish of me I don't even describe those as actually having a deeper meaning than just simple sentences coming from her lips.
Right in front of me, how am I supposed to answer that question that doesn't have a better option for me to say? In a glimpse of an unknown future, with my current flow as a student in some confidential extralegal school, I can't quite predict what kind of future I will perceive.
Let alone how my life would be when she's on my side.
Literally, there's nothing left of sense for me to speak of. Or reply to it.
Because it obviously has no answer.
Because I found a deep, unconditional affection and connection where there wasn't supposed to be.
I wish for nothing but her future.
I didn’t realize the arms protecting around her waist were tightened until she pointed it out under a whisper.
“Na-chi, you're being silent again.”
“I don't want to jinx it but today you are acting all calm is so odd for me.”
“Don’t most men like that type?”
“They're not your man. I am.”
“Wow, Nacchi. I don't know you are that kind of man.”
“Whatever adjective words you're trying to describe me, I'm not gonna let it be.”
“Then, what kind of woman am I?”
“Noisy. Don't– don't pull that face. You asked me that question.”
“Fine. And?”
“Blusterous mouth.”
“And?”
“Dumb head. Sleepy head. Stubborn head. Moody head. Sassy head.”
“So many heads.”
“And bold, sly, sweet, pretty, tolerant and kind-hearted woman I ever knew.”
That's not enough to conclude how her traits as I knew her. I need more than just a day to tell her every good personality she has on her.
“This isn't fair.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Your personality? You're a walking yellow flag.”
“Hey, what does that even mean?”
“You're not really red but not quite green either. But that doesn’t mean you're a bad guy, except you're one of those people.”
“And what is that one of those people?”
“Like seriously…. My parents are gonna kill if they know you are attending a school to kill people. I don't condemn or judge you. Whatever you're trying to do, people will never know the real meaning behind it. As long as you can take care of yourself and the person you're protecting now.”
“I'm sure Sakamoto and Akao can take care of themselves. While you're the center of their attraction.”
“What can I say? I'm the only daughter of a corporate organization. Such a forbidden troupe we are in, don't you think so? Maybe you and I will share the same fate, and maybe not. Maybe I will first.”
“Will what?”
“Lose to this world.”
“[Name]–”
“Yoichi.” I sensed her arms loosening from my hand before she turned around and facing me with an unreadable feature. A soft palms received in my touch as she held both my hands. Seems like my hands are getting a better option to view than my face. Her dark hairs come into my sight as her long sigh trails in the air.
Not even the wave oceans can get this much suspense sound than her own voices.
“Do you regret meeting me?”
“I never thought of that…”
“Do you regret all of those times we spent together?”
“I always wanna reverse it. All those joyful things you are in are more than I want.”
“Do you hate it when I surprise you on your last birthday?”
“You literally give me a cake with half of it you already ate.”
“I'm hungry.”
“And sweet deprived.”
“Do you hate it when I sulk and go to Kaocchi's place?”
“And Akao sent you back to me because even she couldn't stand to bite your pouty lips.”
“Well, I tasted so good. You approve of that.”
“We really can't be serious even at this time, aren't we?”
“You being serious was never in my book, sweetheart.”
“And you always call me that when you're being serious.”
She took my hand in her skinny palms. Just a barely second before a drop of tears stains on her cheeks. “Aren't we right now?”
Clueless was my only trait left at that moment, witnessing how strange her behavior at that time. Knowing she wasn't a crying baby at all and bursting out of sudden hurts me so bad to think that she carried a burden no knew what she had been in her hands.
Especially about her current status as the daughter of top authorities of the government.
So much warning and massive hazard through those extravagant and yet she chooses to try her best to survive without any guards to be her loyal dogs.
Because attention is not really her cup of coffee in her daily life, other than no privacy she could reserve for her own.
I hate how I can't always be with her.
Threatening tears on her side of her eyelids, just before I was about to ask what's wrong since that time I was stupid to read the circumstances.
“Look at me, Yoichi.”
So dumb that time I wasn't conscious enough there is something, something unusual kind of air striking in between both of us. Along with the crash waves hitting the huge rock in the oceans, just as much the rumbling heart rate increases in my body.
She's hiding something.
And I couldn't guess what it was except for suspicion.
Because those slanted, bright eyes of hers aren't usually like that.
“Can you promise me one thing?”
“I don't think–”
My words were cut off. Those round eyes of her digging into my own with the seriousness clouded her face. “Yes or no?”
In the exact moments, a strong gust of wind whips through her shiny hair, sending the tangle curls over her face. In the same air, the strong wind slapping on my cheek, causes the waves to mix with some splash from the seas.
The heat from the Sun is far from burning on both our skin. More like bathing under a warm swimming pool in the apartment.
Just like how warm her hands held my own.
Before it turns cold out of my own control.
“What is it?”
“You will keep moving forward. This world, you can destroy it whatever kind of method you wanted to be. But, no matter how dark this world can be, rather than just be a good person, stay kind with the people who really are. Innocent and good people are still there. Please protect it. Your heart especially.”
The space is giving her moments to inhale the fragment scent of the seas. While the same curving lips structuring her features, those brightened eyes sent a whole thrill through my skin.
“Can you live for me? Happily and ever after?”
If times could turn back to the second she asked that question.
If times could turn back to the moment she was holding my hand while the entire oceans witnessed the last decade me and her were in.
Definitely a different kind of reply will answer that.
“I will.”
Everything's going black.
And when my sight appeared, it turned all red.
On the road, in the middle of the city. Crowds of people everywhere around me and Sakamoto while both of us tryna search for clues about Rion's disappearance.
I saw the other side of the road of zebras, while those people focused in their own world, there's a magnetic force drawing me to keep looking in between.
Until those pairs of breathtaking orbs stealing my breath while I was too tired all of these complicated days happened.
So energetic, straightening her arm into the air and her small palms waved left and right after seeing my figure at the other side of road. Visible vibrance coloring her face as those melting smiles strike on her features.
And no one realized that times will appear someday written in the newspaper about a tragic story of her. Just because she's someone related to the government enforcement and not a normal citizen.
She stopped in the crowd of people crossing the black white color of zebra. Green light lightening on the pedestrian traffic light at the corner of road, signaling for the people to cross, same goes as her. That usual vibrance of a smile did the same as it gradually lost the shine before my eyes, she collapsed.
My world collapsed.
Everything; every single thing pauses in the moment.
No sounds, no voices, not even horn from the transportation nor breathing of someone in the moments.
Everything just stopped, eventually.
Even my breath.
In slow motion, the fragile body of her, the white dress she loved so much because her mother bought it for her on her 18th birthday months ago, was slowly stained with a dark, crimson and fresh bloody mess on her stomach area.
And slowly, under her on the road, were drastically full of angry dark red pooling on the one of the white zebra crossing.
My brain lost at the moment, seeing how she slowly disappeared among the crowded and gradually the citizens getting more crowded in times with the sudden screaming in between.
As much as it breaks my hollow infinite void that drowned me in my own sea of thoughts. While my legs unconsciously ran on its own toward the crowds, the place where she vanished.
Those lifeless body of her, in the middle of the white stripes zebra crossing.
My hands.
My usual white clothes.
The black outwear was soaked.
Her usual fair skin, slender fingers, straightened hair just above her shoulder, those attics lively slanted pair of eyes, smiles as bright as the stellar in the midnight.
It's gone.
Warm hands?
It's icy cold.
I swear I just feel my lungs stop drawing in breath, while my heart freezes in my chest.
All I wish for that moment were all of this just a freaking nightmare and a dream that never commits to be true.
The ideas of her leaving me? That wasn't listed in my head.
The ideas of her leaving me? I'm going to shamble in any seconds she does it.
Notably, in which we didn't share oxygen in the same world anymore.
Her soulless physical lying in my arms. Pale faces, half closed eyes smile for the last occurrence between us as her hand weakly reaches my emotionless tears. Leaving a trail of red stain before the harsh fall of her arms on her side.
And in one swift. The whole scene.
All gone.
Like she did.
‘Stay kind, Yoichi.’
Those three last words haunted me till now.
And yet, I never did a solid answer to what my heart desired for her.
I love you, [Name].
Four consecrated words hushed in one breath.
Standing in the crowded people and witnessing the last opportunity before they closed the coffin; I choose to be invisible because that moment she leaves me, I don’t think I could execute her promise anymore.
How am I supposed to breathe when you're no longer here and be my oxygen?
For weeks, I was nothing different than a walking dead.
For months, I was closer to failure in one of the missions before my body hit the ground from the 40th building level.
Until a pain sting on my cheeks.
I remembered Sakamoto slapped me in front of her graveyard.
Exactly one year after.
It was drizzling. I didn’t bother about that since it couldn't do much to kill me.
She smiles as the iluminant Sun, and killed by under the same metaphor I gave to her.
A stone carved her name on it.
“Don’t ever think to follow them too.”
Ah.
I knew what he meant.
Akao was found dead a day after her.
Fate really favors taking my important person by stabbing both of them on their stomachs.
After all these years I thought I was starting to forget.
Until ‘Akao’ came back. In Uzuki's body.
And you came back. In my dream of comatose. Because reality couldn't handle you anymore.
I said I'd rather die than love someone I can’t be with anymore.
Yet here; I was. Forced to live, as I died slowly, little by little since that day you were gone. I got to live and suffer the most sufferable death, every freaking day, hours, minutes per sec. For I was held captivated by unrequited love. And as they all said, to love is to ache, to love is to die.
Even though our story wasn't meant to be, there's this part of me that I'll always make it vacant so you can stay there for me to hold on. A special place which I saved it only for you to make as your second home.
There's a bittersweet beauty in the art, pain of loving someone who is already in heaven. That's the only place you should be in, or else.
And somehow, along the way, I found peace in accepting the fact that some stories are just meant to end unresolved. Or maybe a tragic story that will haunt me to fall again.
Until you stop haunting and be a ghost, maybe it's time for me to move forward.
As the florist thought I was about to meet someone special with a bouquet of daffodils in my arms.
Well, the florist is not entirely wrong.
“That person's not gonna spare any oxygen while hugging you tightly for this.”
If only the grave could do that.
We are so closed to hold onto each other.
but somehow they won't ever let both of us in a way we thought of.
Because you are my dream that will fade out from my memories once I woke up in the reality.