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James knew he was being stupid. He knew this was silly, that being upset over it was crazy, but right now he felt so overwhelmed by it that he genuinely thought he might explode. It hurt. It hurt so bad and everything was so much that james couldn’t think straight, his brain a mess of overwhelming noise.
Change was difficult for James. It always had been. Ever since he could express his feelings he had let everyone know one thing for sure, that change was never okay. Never.
He knows change is inevitable in the world, that it’s an important part of life. But if james had control over what was needed in life, then change would be thrown right out the window. But, James was not in control and change was inevitable, which is what leads us to the situation at hand.
You see, James had always had his toiletries sent to him, because the exact brands he has used since he was little were not available at hogsmead. But today when he received his package, there was a letter attached, and as James read the letter at breakfast he felt something in his head scream.
It wasn’t bad news like you would expect from his reaction (his reaction being him scrambling out of his seat, rushing away without any of his belongings) but something much simpler.
The shampoo and conditioner brand he used had been discontinued, and his parents had been forced to select a new shampoo and conditioner for him to use.
To many other people, this wouldn’t even be a blip on their radar of things that could destroy their day, but to james? This ruins everything. Everything from that moment on is wrong, wrong wrong wrong.
And maybe on other days it wouldn’t have sent James spiraling the way it did, maybe it would have just made him that extra bit anxious for the day, a heavy feeling in his chest that could be solved with some time to himself to deal with the situation. But today everything had been building up, today it makes him spiral.
He doesn’t even notice the trip up to his dorm, head spinning and yelling so loud that it burns. Burns like crazy, and his legs hurt and his hands ache and he needs to flap and to shake to relieve the pressure, because the pressure is so much he feels like his head might explode.
All james can feel in this moment is this mess inside of him bubbling up and over its edges and james vaguely is aware that he’s having a meltdown but his head is so full of this burning sensation that he grapples for any sense of stability he can find, because it’s so much all at once that he cannot breathe.
He’s not sure what happens next. But in this moment, all the knows is that death would be much kinder.
They hadn’t been dating long, only a few weeks, and Regulus had seen James panic before, had even seen him cry late nights in the astronomy tower, but he’d never seen James the way he was now.
Regulus had been watching James fondly as he bounced in his seat, gesturing wildly about when he had received a package from his family, which was why he was so concerned as he watched the life drain out of his boyfriend the moment he read the letter that had been attached to the parcel.
He watched carefully as James sat frozen for a moment, before he stumbled out of his seat, running out of the dining hall.
Regulus had seen the letter and he knew exactly what it felt like to receive a letter which made him panic. And to make matters even more worrying, his brother and lupin had both rushed after James moments later.
All of it was very worrying, which was why regulus had moved quickly out of his seat without a word, moving towards grifyndoor tower as fast as he could, uttering the password james had whispered last night as they entered the common room.
When he eventually made it up to their dorm, regulus knocked rather impatiently,and he knew they were in there as he’d seen his brother disappear into the portrait from afar,
But The dorm was eerily quiet for a moment and regulus breifly wondered if he had seen wrong and they weren’t there at all.
After knocking twice more, regulus turns to leave when the door cracked open, and sirius poked his head out of the door, eyes widening in surprise at his brother standing there.
Regulus goes to ask his brother where James had gone when he suddenly realises there was now noise coming from the dorm.
Someone was crying. Loudly.
Regulus’ heart skipped a beat, he recognised those sobs. He recognised them from late nights in the astronomy tower when regulus had been vulnerable to get vulnerability in return.
James.
Regulus moves quickly to run into the room when sirius pushes him back out.
“What? Move! What’s wrong with James?”
Sirius shakes his head and shushes him harshly, “be quiet! He’s fine.. he just needs a minute, just stay here”
But regulus doesn’t want to take that as an answer. James is hurting. And James is his heart. So he needs to help, he needs to.
He pushes forward once more, glancing into the room quickly before sirius pushes him out. He thinks James might be on the floor but he’s not quite sure.
“What the fuck?! Let me in!” He whisper yells at his brother, who shakes his head harshly at his younger brother, keeping a palm out infront of him to stop regulus from coming any closer.
“We have it handled, he doesn’t like people seeing him like this and-“
He’s interrupted by a panicked yell from lupin inside the dorm.
“Sirius!”
Sirius looks torn for a moment as he looks back into the room, before he sighs, “fuck- fine you can come in but stay out the way and we will explain later” he tells him, and regulus nods seriously, shuffling in the room behind his brother
Regulus’ eyes immediately flew to James the second he entered the room, and his heart sunk when he saw his boyfriend, who was crouched on the floor next to his bed, hands firmly over his ears as he rocked back and fourth.
He was muttering the word ‘no’ over and over and Regulus stood frozen as he watched his brother dart to kneel infront of James, hands infront of him as if he was taming a wild animal
“Hey mate you’re okay, everything’s alright, would you like a big squeeze?” Sirius spoke softly, and regulus finally realised what was going on.
Pandora had these, he’d seen them first hand as her twin had tried to calm her down. She said it just happend sometimes and regulus accepted that.
He had no idea james had them too.
At a loss for what to do in this moment, regulus stayed silent watching carefully as his brother and remus attempted to calm James down.
James had frantically shook his head at whatever a ‘big squeeze’ was, before he suddenly brought a shaking fist up to his head, hitting himself in a way that made regulus’ jaw drop in shock.
Sirius seemed prepared though, as he carefully pulled James’ fist from his head, holding it firmly in his own. “I know you’re overwhelmed James, but we can’t hit ourselves, okay?” He turned to remus, “can you grab his headphones and weighted blanket for me love?”
Remus turned to grab the blanket and the headphones, eyes meeting regulus’ for just a moment before he moved quickly away. Regulus wondered how often James had these… episodes? For them to be so calm in helping him.
“That’s it prongs, keep breathing mate, you’re doing so well” he heard sirius mumble to James, as remus came to squat next to him with the stuff Sirius had asked for, joining Sirius in mumbling reassurances to the distressed boy.
“Ok James, i know this is overwhelming but can I put your headphones on for you?”
Regulus watches as James nods hesitantly, slowly removing his hands from their place latched to his ears, so sirius can put his headphones on.
“How about we get you settled in your bed with your blanket? Huh prongs?” Remus piped up from beside him.
And it took a while for James to respond, but after a couple minutes of hurriedly rocking back and fourth he nodded at the pair infront of him, and moved to stand, stumbling his way up onto his bed which he had been sitting next to.
Regulus wasn’t too surprised james hadn’t noticed him yet, as for one, he didn’t have his glasses on, and two, he knew there must be a lot going through his mind right now.
After remus layed the blanket down ontop of James, sirius moved to crouch near his bestfriends head, “can you tell us what triggered this? Maybe we can help?” He asked softly, but the reminder of it only seemed to freak James out more, as his breathing turned suddenly rapid
“They- they discontinued my… they“ James stuttered out in between breaths and remus nudged sirius out of the way so he can get closer to James as he mumbled something into Sirius’ ear, causing him to move towards the bathroom quickly,
“Alright prongs, just breathe and then you can explain, ready…you know how to do it, nice big deep breaths” Remus spoke firmly, but kindly to james, and regulus watched as Remus brought James’ hand up to settle on his chest as Sirius came running out of the bathroom, wet cloth in hand which he held out to Remus once he got himself settled sitting at the end of james’ bed.
Remus draped the cool towel over James’ forehead as they breathed together, James taking stuttering breaths as Remus took long, deep ones to guide him.
Suddenly James let out a loud sob, “oh god i think I’m dying I can’t- I can’t” and regulus’ heart drops even further at his pain, he’s had enough panic attacks to know the feeling and it’s absolutely awful.
Remus is quick to reassure him though, “no mate you’re okay, you’re just having a pretty bad meltdown and a bit of a panic attack, but you will be okay”
James only whimpers in response and sirius moves up the bed to take hold of his hand that wasn’t on Remus’ chest.
“Deep breaths prongs, deep breaths, you’re doing so, so well”
They breathe together for another ten minutes before James can do it on his own, tears still rolling down his face that’s etched in misery.
Eventually he speaks up so softly regulus barely hears him, “they discontinued my shampoo” he says simply, and regulus is a little confused before he continues.
“They discontinued it and everything’s changing and I can’t do it” he cries and suddenly regulus understands.
He knows James had never been good with change, especially when it’s plans that change at the last minute, and within the last few weeks since they started dating, a lot of their routine had changed.
“Oh mate I understand, that must feel really shit right now, I know you don’t like change” Sirius tells James, “what can we do to help you feel better?”
James only wipes his face harshly with his hands “nothing I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, I don’t know why I got so worked up over it”
In that moment regulus wishes he could hold james and tell him not to apologise, and he’s glad when remus moves to do exactly that.
“It’s okay James, don’t apologise, you’re allowed to feel overwhelmed by this”
James frowns at him, “no I shouldn’t be. It’s stupid” sirius goes to speak up when James continues, “look, I’m sorry… I just want to go to sleep” he mumbles, and though regulus can see that remus and sirius clearly do not want to leave him, they understand that James just wants to sleep, so they stand, offering reassuring smiles as they close the curtains, casting a silencing spell on the bed so James couldn’t hear them.
Regulus stands shocked for a moment at the chain of events that just conspired when Sirius’ eyes lock onto him, clearly only just remembering he was in the room.
Running his hands through his hair with a sigh, Sirius moves over to regulus, pulling him towards his bed so they could talk.
“Look…” Sirius starts, hesitating a little as Remus comes to join them. “He didn’t want you to know about his meltdowns yet okay, so he’s going to be upset that you saw him like that, but please don’t be a prick about him not telling you- it’s just hard for him”
Regulus nods carefully, a million question come to his head but he’s not sure what ones are okay to ask.
Eventually he decides on the first one that comes to mind. “I want to help” he says carefully, “how do I help him if he has one when I’m with him”
Sirius smiles at him, seemingly relieved that he wasn’t rude about it (he’s a bit offended that Sirius would think that little of him, but he decides that it’s a problem for another day) eventually he nods, thinking for a moment when remus speaks up from next to him.
“To be honest, there’s not much you can do but get him to an quiet, empty space and be there for him”
Regulus frowns, surely he can do more than that. He’s about to voice this when sirius speaks up.
“He doesn’t really like people touching him or anything during them, but if he begins any harmful stimming, you should gently redirect him if possible, but never ever hold him down”
“What’s stimming?”
Sirius smiles lightly at the question, “you know when he gets really happy and flaps his hands? Or when he’s anxious and he shakes them and stuff?”
Regulus hums in affirmation, brain only just now realising that those little motions he does sometimes weren’t just his funny little quirks.
“That movement stuff is called stimming, it helps regulate his brain. But sometimes when he’s overwhelmed or having a meltdown he’ll hurt himself by hitting his head or punching the ground or his thigh, and banging his head on the wall.”
Regulus must look a little horrified at the idea of james hurting himself as sirius backtracks quickly,
“Definitely don’t give him that look when he tells you about this himself otherwise he’ll think you find him disgusting” Sirius says firmly and regulus’ face drops,
“No no I don’t think it’s disgusting I’m just worried about him, I’ve never seen him like this”
A soft smile falls back onto sirius’ face as he nods, “that’s because he masks too much” he huffs and at regulus’ confused look remus continues,
“Masking is when you act a certain way to protect people from seeing how you really feel, James does it a lot because he’s got in his head that his condition makes him weird and thinks people will treat him differently when they find out”
Regulus can only nod at that, absorbing all this information, “wait, condition?”
Remus and sirius exchange looks, “we’ll send James to you tomorrow and you can ask him about it” Remus tells him, and regulus runs a hand through his hair, stressed by his worry for James
Sirius must sense this though as he’s pulling regulus into a side hug, “I know this is a lot to process and you’re probably worried as hell, but he’s still the same James and you don’t need to walk on egg shells around him.” He says kindly. Regulus just leans into his brothers shoulder for a moment, something they don’t do often as regulus generally steers away from physical touch.
“He trusts you reg, but he’s been let down before when it comes to this, so just be gentle with him”
He doesn’t speak to James until late the next night, after receiving a messily written note to meet him at the astronomy tower at 11pm that night.
Regulus had spent the day spiraling after james hadn’t met his eyes with a blinding smile across the hall as he did every morning, choosing to instead avoid his gaze by spending the whole breakfast staring down at his plate.
Logically he knew James was probably just upset that regulus had seen him so distressed, but in the back of his mind, regulus can’t help but feel like maybe James was mad at him for refusing to leave the dorm when sirius had told him to, and pushing him to let him stay.
After everything, he gets now why Sirius had told him to leave and feels horrible that he had stayed without James’ knowledge. He had just wanted to be there for him the way James was when he’d broken down. The way James was there for him when he’d had panic attacks infront of him.
The anxious feeling in his chest only grows as he nervously waits at the top of the astronomy tower for his boyfriend, eyes locked onto the stars above him as his heart beats rapidly.
Eventually there’s a noise behind him and he whips his head around to see James make his way up the last few steps. Regulus pulls a hand up to his chest to rub at the place above his heart, begging himself to chill out. He doesn’t know why he’s so anxious, he knows james wouldn’t yell at him even if he was mad at him.
And in the end, he doesn’t know if it’s worse or better that James looks just as anxious as him.
Without a word, regulus moved forward to meet James halfway across the room, his heart hammering as he pulls James into a tight hug, praying that James wasn’t mad at him.
“Hi love” James smiles softly, but it’s a little lopsided and regulus can see the way he’s shaking his hand back and fourth at his sides when they step apart. He’s not sure he would have taken any notice to that detail before, but after the conversation he had with his brother and remus, he takes notice of it quickly.
Regulus struggles with words for a moment, not sure how to start the conversation he knew they were here to have.
“Are you feeling any better?” He settles on eventually, and regulus watches the way James’ smile falters before he pastes it back on, embarrassed almost, as he chuckles awkwardly with a nod of his head.
“A bit, yeah, uh- I’m sorry about that, I didn’t want you to find out like that”
And he looks so ashamed that it makes regulus’ heart ache.
“No no no love” he murmurs softly, taking James’ face delicately in his hands, “don’t apologise, Im not exactly sure what’s going on, but what I do know is that whatever it is, it’s nothing to be sorry for”
James only watches him for a moment, worrying his lip between his teeth as he slowly nods his head. Regulus stares back for just a moment before he’s grabbing the hand not shaking by James’ side, and pulling him to sit in their usual alcove. His own anxiety has calmed down a little but he can tell James is still anxious and he’s hoping the familiarity will help calm him down.
“If you don’t think you can talk about it today that’s perfectly fine, you don’t owe me an explanation” regulus tells James softly, letting James avoid eye contact by staring out the window. It’s only when he turns back to him does he see a tear roll down his boyfriend’s cheek.
His heart plummets, and he feels at a loss for what to do. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to spend long mulling it over as james begins to talk softly.
“I don’t know how to talk about all this. I don’t….I don’t know how to explain it all”
Regulus nods slowly, brain turning as he tries to find a way to help him.
“How about I tell you what my brother and I talked about?” he lands on eventually, and james lets out a hesitant noise of approval.
“After they helped you calm down, sirius explained that you didn’t want me to know about your meltdowns and maybe it was because people haven’t been the nicest in the past and you have trouble talking about it, is that right?” At James’ nod he continued, “and that’s when I asked what I could do to help if you had one around me.”
James makes a funny face at that and regulus tilts his head in question.
“It’s just-“ James hesitates for a moment, “usually the first thing people ask is ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’ Not how they can help.”
Regulus frowns, and he feels an overwhelming urge to maim anyone who has ever reacted to James like that.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you” he says simply, and watches as James shakes his head in disbelief
“You saw me reg, saw how I reacted to something so small and insignificant, there’s something deeply wrong with me and you saw that”
Regulus tries not to show the devestation he feels at James’ words. He’s never seen James question himself this much, never seen him show such hatred towards himself.
“James…” he sighs softly, placing a hand on James trembling ones that are sat in his lap. Regulus has never been very good at comforting people and hates himself for the way he struggles for the right words.
“You reacting to something that upset you, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means you are human. Do you think there’s something wrong with me because when people yell I have panic attacks?”
James shakes his head harshly, “no. Not at all. But this is different.”
“Why is it different?”
“Because I’m different!” James speaks, frustrated.
Regulus sits silent as James begins to shake his hands out again, standing to pace back and fourth infront of the little alcove they were sat in. It takes a moment before James continues.
“Reg just- look, do you know what autism is?”
Oh
Yes, yes he does know what autism is. Pandora had told him about it when she was diagnosed.
Suddenly, a lot of different things that james did began to make sense, and he feels foolish for not connecting the dots earlier, despite not knowing much about the condition.
James is staring at him expectantly, and regulus realised he hadn’t responded yet. “Yes, but I don’t know that much about it” he answers honestly.
James nods, scrunching up his face a little as he breathes heavily, “it means I’m different, it means I have trouble with social situations and change and have sensory issues and a million other things. It means sometimes I have complete meldowns where I completely lose control and I lash out at myself and I’m sorry I should have told you, I owed you that atleast and you probably think I’m a complete freak and hate me but-“
Regulus pulls james into his arms to cut off his rambling, holding him tightly the way he knew he liked, as James heaved over his shoulder. After a moment, Regulus pulled back, holding James at arms length as he tried to make eye contact with James who was avoiding his gaze, eyes jumping around the room as he continued to work himself up.
“James, I don’t hate you and certainly don’t think you’re a freak. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone no matter what, and I’m sorry you didn’t get to decide when you were ready to tell me.” He tells james firmly, “I know this is a lot, just breathe, okay?”
James scrunches up his face but listens as regulus helps him calm his breathing again. It’s only when they pull even further away does regulus notice the way James had his hands clenched into fists at his sides, as if he was holding himself back from doing something.
Regulus let out a light sigh, attempting to meet James’ eyes once more “James..” he starts, “I just want you to know that my brother explained to me a few different things already and one of them was that something called stimming helps calm you down?” He watched as James tensed even more, pulling his lip between his teeth anxiously at the words.
“I’m not going to judge you I promise, if you need to move around to feel better that is more than okay. I just want to help you feel better”
James nods hesitantly, beginning to shift back and fourth on his toes, before he brings his hands up to shake them out infront of him.
“Okay. I’m okay.” James states softly, “just give me a minute and we can keep talking”
Regulus nods softly, moving to sit the few feet away in the alcove as he watched James calm down and regulate himself.
It’s a little while before James moves to sit next to regulus again, but he does eventually, and regulus notes the fact that he looks exhausted, deep rings of purple underneath his eyes that regulus should have noticed before.
“James?” Regulus begins softly. James hums in response, meeting regulus’ eyes with an attempt at a smile. It falls short and it only makes regulus more worried. “Have you been getting enough sleep?”
James lets out a sigh, avoiding his eyes again as he looks out the window, up at the stars that surround them.
“Yeah I’ve been sleeping alright, but…..” he hesitates for a moment, and regulus squeezes his hands reassuringly, letting him take a moment to find the words.
“I’m just tired a lot recently. Remus says I’m burning myself out from masking too much lately, and he’s probably right.” He shrugs “I think it’s why I had the meltdown yesterday… the shampoo stuff was just the tipping point I guess”
Regulus felt his heart sink at the admission, he knew James was only masking so much because they’d been spending more time together since they began dating.
A million different apologies fly through his head and his heart thumps anxiously at the thought that James may be mad at him for causing his meltdown.
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry you felt like you had to mask around me, is- is it something I did that made you think I wouldn’t be accepting? I know I can be an asshole but I’d never make fun of you or- or anyone else for something like this” he rambles out, his heart beating out of his chest as his anxious brain spirals, and he hates himself for the way his throat begins to tighten. This was James’ moment to be upset. Not his.
James rushes to soothe him anyways, because that was who James was. No matter how much he has going on in his own mind, his every atom was put into helping others.
“Breathe love, it wasn’t anything you did, it took me years to open up to my friends too, logically I knew you would be okay with it but my brain just gets all anxious about it because of some stuff people said to me when I was younger. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. I’m not mad.” James finishes, and though it calms regulus slightly, there’s still an anxious buzz running through him that has him rubbing at his chest, as if it would give him any reprieve of the burning under his finger tips.
James eyes his hand, and regulus knows that James can tell he’s still anxious despite his calming words.
“Regulus….love…” James reaches a hand out to place next to regulus’ on his chest, feeling the way his heart thumped harshly against his skin.
“Can you tell me exactly what is making you this anxious?” He tries, and regulus almost lets a whine slip between his teeth at how soft James is, even when he’s feeling anxious himself.
“I don’t want to be the reason you feel like shit” he breathes out eventually, brain spiraling at the thought that james might now realise he’s not worth it all.
But James only shakes his head, smiling softly at regulus who feels like he’s on the verge of tears.
“If being with you meant feeling like shit I’d be with you anyway, you’re worth it. But the thing is, you don’t make me feel like shit, it’s not your fault. You had no idea I was overwhelmed anyway, because I didn’t tell you. Now that you know, we can do things differently to keep me from burning out.”
Regulus nodded his head seriously, “of course, of course” he would do anything to make james feel better.
“How about we go back to my dorm and sleep. Maybe get you a calming draught from your brothers stash?”
Regulus felt stupid for the way james was having to calm him down when regulus was supposed to be the one helping him. But he smiled nonetheless, because, unfortunately as it is, James will have bad days, and now that regulus knows how to help him, he can be there then.
Regulus smiles, his heart hammering a little easier as he takes James’ hand and follows him out to the dorms.
If he was a little braver, he may have plucked up the courage to say those few words always on his mind.
But he has time. They have time. And it’s all they really need.