Chapter Text
Should I go or should I not go? Hikaru toyed with the script in his hands. It was a new play about some kind of knight who had to save the princess from the evil emperor or something like that but the words didn't quite register in his head. He could just stay home, it was still Saturday morning. A sigh escaped his lips as he plopped down on his bed. The softness of the mattress called him back to sleep. The covers were messy yet soft and a few cups and energy drink tins were strewn around the bed and bedside table. He'll get around to pick them up ... eventually. Exhaustion seeped into his bones and an acidic taste in his mouth reminded him that he barely saw his bed last night. He could still feel the hard mattress and too big hands on his back. His breath hitched, but he tried to redirect his focus on the script again. Unfortunately, the words of the play wouldn't stick as he kept rereading the same paragraph over and over again, while new questions started popping up. How long ago was it that he got that invite? Was it yesterday or the day before that? He seriously needed an agenda or maybe a better sleep schedule. However, Seijuro's words rung in his head.
After receiving his new script, Hikaru opened the exitdoor of Lala Lai. Fast footsteps echoed behind him and made him stop in his tracks.
"Hikaru! Wait!" a familiar voice called. Hikaru faced the man behind him with a warm smile. It's one of the few he could give truthfully lately.
"Yeah, Seijuro-senpai?"
"I wanted to ask you something," Seijuro regained his composure, after his little sprint, and grabbed some kind of flyer from his bag. He pointed towards the drawn tiger on it.
"Would you like to go to the zoo, this Saturday? It'll be with me and Taiki. I thought it would be nice to spend some time together."
A bright smile graced the older man's lips. He looked expectantly towards Hikaru and handed the boy the flyer. The old man has been getting really annoying lately, trying to get closer to him. Before Hikaru could even think about it, one single word left his mouth.
"No."
It was as if his brain reflexively knew that it was no use, that Airi-san would not agree, that she would be jealous. A shiver went down his spine at the thought, but he hoped he supressed it enough so Seijuro wouldn't notice. The man hopefully didn't, but his smile instantly vanished as a disappointed expression set on his face.
"Why not?"
Now that was a lot harder to answer. Hikaru fiddled with his script. Nor a disappointed Seijuro nor a jealous Airi were things he liked to experience. The thought alone was enough to make his chest tighten and his heart beat uncomfortably fast. Before Hikaru could think up a decent lie, a sheepish smile appeared on Seijuro's lips, which did not help the tension in his body.
"Well, the thing is, I kind of already bought us tickets."
God damn it, senpai. He cocked an eyebrow at the man.
"Let's meet at ten o' clock at the Lala Lai entrance, okay? I'll pick you up." Seijuro said with a ruffle of Hikaru's hair.
Hikaru rolled towards the clock on the night stand. It read half past nine. Should I go or should I not go? The question intruded his head once again. In the corner of his eyes, he spotted the tiger on the flyer which was propped up against the clock. It looked at him with such a sharp gaze that it made his skin crawl. Who was he kidding, it wasn't even a question. Of course he wanted to go. Imagining Seijuro's and Taiki's smiles made his own lips curve up. Yet, another question made his face droop. Will Airi-san confront him about it later or not? Hikaru watched the seconds tick by on his clock. On one hand she'll confront him if he goes and be jealous about it, but on the other hand she'll also confront him if he doesn't go as Seijuro will probably tell her that he didn't come and had to wait for hours at the Lala Lai entrance. An image of a disappointed Seijuro looking at his watch popped up before his eyes. The man's frown and saddened face made him stumble out of bed.
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As Hikaru parked his bike against the theater company's walls, Seijuro waved from his car with a smiling face. The sun's strong rays made the spotless car finish gleam. Hikaru returned the smile. Pleasantries ensued, while Seijuro led him to the back of the car. It was Seijuro's newest Bentley Continental GTC model. Something Hikaru knew that the man was as proud of as he was of his family, so he opened and closed the door carefully.
"How did you sleep?", Seijuro asked.
"Fine, how about you?"
Seijuro gave him a look like he didn't quite believe him, but he didn't push and the conversation about their daily lives went on as the car started to move. Some black hair next to him caught his attention. A toddler silently followed the conversation along. It's been a while since he's seen Taiki and the kid has gotten quite a bit bigger. Even though Airi-san would bring Taiki with her to the theater company quite often, she had been doing it less and less with her busier schedule and other acting opportunities. Hikaru fiddled with his seatbelt that cut through his neck, making it hard for air to enter his lungs. Large eyes, that looked so badly like Airi-san's, looked him up and down curiously, yet they thankfully never held the same intentions as hers. He hoped the kid would take the most after Seijuro. Hikaru had to repress a sigh when Seijuro steered the conversation once again towards inquiring about his health.
"Did you eat breakfast?"
"Yep," the lie rolled of his tongue as easy as breathing. He even faked a smile so Seijuro could see it from the backview mirror. Seijuro kept asking further questions about his breakfast as he always does and Hikaru lied to every single one. He could never keep anything down in the morning when he met Airi-san the evening before. He remembered the chocolate ice cream --his favourite-- he got from her the day before. The fake smile felt a little less forced on his face. Though, his stomach also remembered and started gnawing for food, which made Hikaru change the topic to Seijuro's car. Through the backview mirror, Hikaru could see a smile grace the man's lips as he started to go over the car's performance specs. Hikaru, glad for the subject switch, tried to follow the man's words, but quickly took more interest in the people walking down Tokyo's streets. The car ride didn't take too long and the zoo came into view with the same tiger drawing as the flyer on the entrance board. Entering the zoo went quite quickly even with all the families standing in line. It kind of even looked like they were a family too, a normal one even, but he knew that wasn't true. It could never be. Not with someone like him. A ruffle on the head got him out of his thoughts.
"Is there something you would like to see?", Seijuro asked, facing both him and Taiki. The kid broke his quite streak as he gave Seijuro his best puppy eyes and pulled at Seijuro's pants.
"The tigers, please!"
The cuteness instantly made Seijuro look at the map for the tiger enclosure with a little chuckle. Hikaru couldn't help but be impressed at how easily Taiki bent Seijuro to his will. Puppy eyes would never work on him, he thought with a smug smile. The map showed that the tigers were on the complete other end of the zoo and with the zoo's enormous size that would take a while. At first, Hikaru could keep up with Seijuro and Taiki whom were talking about the different types of tigers in Asia, but the lack of sleep and breakfast made him lag behind. His stomach grumbled and his legs started to weigh heavy. Every step was harder than the next, yet he forced his legs to listen to his command. Seijuro glanced over his shoulder, while keeping the conversation between him and Taiki going.
"You okay back there?"
"Yeah, just not used to walking 'off stage' that much," Hikaru said with a small chuckle. Seijuro also gave a small chuckle and suddenly crouched to the ground.
"Come on," he said, motioning Hikaru to do ... something.
"What?", Hikaru asked with a sheepish smile.
"Hop on my shoulders."
Now Seijuro had asked some weird stuff of him before, but this ... this was a new level of weird. Yes, he was small, but he's 14 and he wasn't going to sit on the man's shoulders, no matter what. Besides if Airi-san found that out, she'd probably be jealous that Hikaru hasn't been sitting on her lately.
"I'll be fine, senpai, I can still walk, besides -"
"I also want to sit on your shoulders!", Taiki chimed in. The toddler was already trying to climb on his father's shoulders. Seijuro gently pushed him away.
"Later, I know you can still walk a little longer", Seijuro patted the kid on the head and once again motioned for Hikaru to sit on his shoulders. He gave Hikaru a reassuring smile, like he was some kind of animal that was too scared to approach his caretaker. Hikaru wanted to say no again, but Taiki interjected him.
"Can I sit on Hika's shoulders?" Hikaru cringed at the nickname, but tried to keep a neutral smile on his face. The kid didn't seem to realize why Seijuro proposed the idea in the first place, but Hikaru was about to say no to that too. Taiki, however, already walked up to him with the most determined face Hikaru has ever seen on the toddler. Hikaru opened his mouth to reject, but the urge to say no vanished the moment Taiki looked at him with the saddest puppy dog eyes he has ever seen. Shit, he couldn't say no to that cute face. The kid definitely used that a lot and got away with it too. Maybe, a tactic Hikaru should remember, he could use it to keep Seijuro at arms length, when Airi-san is around. It could reduce the looks that she's been giving them when Seijuro gets to close to him.
"Okay, fine", Hikaru said more grumpy than he would have liked to use against Taiki.
He lifted Taiki and put him on his shoulders. The kid put his arms around his head with a giggle and grabbed onto his hair. The sight made Seijuro give them the warmest smile Hikaru has ever seen from him, prompting a more genuine smile from him. But alas, the man was still in his crouched position, stubbornly not letting go of the idea to get Hikaru on his shoulders. Hikaru kept his smile, but now it felt more strained as he put his legs on Seijuro's shoulders. He would never say this out loud but he was kinda grateful that he didn't have to walk anymore. Seijuro lifted the both of them up without much struggle. Hikaru held onto the man's head trying to regain his balance. The last time he had to sit on someone's shoulders was to change the position of the stage lights back in Lala Lai. A familiar flowery smell pulled him out of the memory, giving him goosebumps.
It was Airi-san's shampoo. Seijuro's hair reeked of it. He's not surprised that the man would use his wife's shampoo, but he didn't want te be reminded of that today. That the man under him wasn't the only man in Airi-san's life, that she also had him and that Seijuro still treats him so kindly even with all of that happening in the background. The guilt made his stomach forget about its hunger.
"Papa?", a voice called above him.
Hikaru looked around and noticed that they're still in the exact same spot as before. Seijuro hasn't moved a bit nor was he saying anything. How long have they been standing here? Why is he so quiet? Does he know what he and Airi-san do?
Oh no no no. The noise of the bustling zoo grew distant as the sound of blood rushing by his ears replaced it. His chest tightened as it became harder to take every next breath. Pleas started crossing his mind. Should he just say he's sorry? Start confessing?
"Oh, yeah, something wrong Taiki?", Seijuro shifted his position and resumed to walk.
"No, you stopped and I want to see the tigers," Taiki answered and Hikaru felt Taiki tug at his hair the moment he brought up tigers.
"Ah, don't worry, I'm going. Just didn't expect the both of you to be so light that's all."
Hikaru felt his chest lighten. Thank the spirits, he doesn't know. Though, a little part in the back of his mind wondered what would happen if Seijuro did find out. It kept his thoughts racing. Would he be angry? Would he be fine with it? No, he probably would be angry. Airi-san is cheating with him, yet if she told Seijuro that she loved him, would that make it alright? Well, Seijuro also likes him. At least he hoped so, but would that mean that he would do the same things that Airi-san has been doing to him? No, Airi-san wouldn't like that. It would make her jealous that it isn't just him and her. Would Seijuro ban him from ever seeing this family again? A family he could almost call his own. Hikaru's breath hitched and he quickly shoved the thought away. Now, another question took its place. Is he really that light? He should probably start eating breakfast more often, worrying Seijuro even more about his eating habits is going to make him hang around him more. Something Airi-san once again wouldn't like. At the thought of breakfast, his stomach grumbled still complaining that it was hungry.
"Hey, kids", Seijuro called, patting Hikaru on the leg, "would you like some dango?"
Seijuro turned his body towards a little dango stand along the path. Taiki gave the most excited squeals above Hikaru which made him hold the boy's back as he felt Taiki leaning backwards. He could only mutter an okay, but deep down he was just as ecstatic as Taiki to eat some dango, even his stomach agreed grumbling happily. The vendor giggled a little when she saw the three of them stacked on top of each other, but then gave them dango shaped as chibi animal faces. They're the cutest looking dango Hikaru has ever seen. Seijuro paid and handed them over to the boys above him. It's not something Hikaru saw often and he marvelled at the craftsmanship. They were almost too cute to eat! But his stomach telling him to eat them was a much stronger motivator than his appreciation of the craft and he wolved them down a bit to fast for his liking as Seijuro noticed.
"Would you like mine? I'm not that hungry." Seijuro asked eying the empty stick Hikaru was holding and lifting his own dango in front of the boy. Hikaru could say yes, but that would make it too obvious that he didn't have breakfast. But saying no would also contradict the fact that he ate his dango so fast.
"I'll just take one, then", Hikaru took Seijuro's dango stick and slid one dango ball into his mouth and gave the rest back to Seijuro. He savoured the sugary taste this time as he felt his chest swell with pride because he didn't choose one of the two other more suspicious options. Seijuro took back his dango and walked further along the path.
"How much do I need to pay you back?", Hikaru asked. He got quite a bit of cash from Airi-san, last night. She said he did well after all. He could hear Seijuro laugh under him.
"No, no, it's my treat. Keep the money, it's best you save it for the future. I already have enough." Hikaru was ready to insist on paying Seijuro --he knew the man was quite reliant on Airi-san for most of his income-- but Taiki, mouth full with dango, was faster.
"Do white tigers exist?"
"Yes, they do. Hikaru and I even performed in a play about the white tiger Byakko."
Hikaru had to surpress a sigh when those two switched the topic so quickly. He'll pay Seijuro back another day.
Byakko ... he also remembered that play. He could only giggle at the memories. Seijuro had to wear a tiger costume and walk on all fours, while making growling noises. Seijuro heartedly laughed along seemingly also remembering the same thing.
"Airi had to play the role of an emperor servant, right?", Seijuro asked.
"Yeah", Hikaru answered. If he recalled correctly, the tiger from the west was supposed to bring righteousness to the country, because there was some kind of conflict between an emperor and a samurai. The servant had to deliver a message of war to the samurai, but Byakko interfered and told her that she should reconsider giving the message, which she did not. She got killed by the samurai because of the message she delivered. Unfortunately, what he remembered the most from that play was the time that Airi-san locked them in the dressing room. He poked his arm with his dango stick and was almost mesmerized by the red spots that lingered on his arm. Seijuro and Taiki were still talking, though Hikaru seemed to have missed a big portion of the conversation as it turned into Seijuro talking about him and Airi-san.
"You know Hikaru, I've noticed that you and Airi are quite close. I should've brought her along if she weren't so busy", Seijuro said with a hint of disappointment but also pride.
"That would've indeed been nice. She's probably jealous right now that she has to work", Hikaru gave the most lighthearted chuckle he could muster. He was certain that she's jealous that he wasn't spending time with her. He didn't like that Seijuro noticed that Airi-san is around him more often than not when they're in the same area. One wrong move from him and Seijuro would never want to see him again. Seijuro would hate him. He could never have these moments as a family again. He lost his family before, the thought made his chest ache, so he wasn't risking anything to lose what he considers his new family again. Yet, a little voice told him: Doesn't senpai deserve the truth? Wouldn't it be better if it were just Seijuro, Taiki and him, without Airi-san? He smiled at the thought but that vanished quickly as he felt a twinge of shame. Airi-san wasn't always bad to him.
"She definitely is. She loves us too much not to be", Seijuro answered with a little chuckle of his own.
I love you. It's something Hikaru is used to hearing from her. It's something she says to him a lot. She even said it to him yesterday, while she hugged him. He could swear he felt her warmth and her hands stroking his hair again. It was comforting and he let that feeling wash over him. He can't help but feel like she does love him, so that means what they have is right, right? Even when he felt her hard nipple poke his cheek and her hands wandering around his body, that means she loves him, right?
A warm hand grabbed his own and tried to pry them open. Hikaru didn't even notice that he had closed them shut and had been pretty much pulling Seijuro's hair out with one hand. HIs other hand still held Taiki in place.
"Don't worry though, she won't bring it up next week. She's been a bit more moody and vocal about not being able to spend time with us. I've noticed it too, but I know she'll be happy that we spent some time together and most importantly", he pointed a finger towards Taiki and lowered his voice quite a bit, "we made the kid happy." Hikaru just knew Seijuro was smiling, while saying that. Hikaru hummed in agreement and tried to relax his muscles and focus on the weight on his shoulder.
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In the distance a large construction came into view with glas panels built into it. Hikaru could see a small group of people there and one person, looking at the unform, was one of the animal caretakers, whom seemed to be explaining something about the animals in the enclosure. As they got closer and the inside of the animal enclosure came into view, Hikaru could hear a loud gasp from above him.
"The tigers!", Taiki screeched. Hikaru almost had to use both hands to keep Taiki stable on his shoulders. He could hear Seijuro laugh as the man carefully crouched down and Hikaru got from his shoulders. Hikaru lifted Taiki from his shoulders onto the ground and the kid sprinted towards the glas panels and pressed his face against them. Hikaru could hear the animal caretaker explain tiger behaviour towards the group of people and followed a part of it along.
"Tigers are solitary and territorial animals. Adult males patrol and mark their territory primarily to avoid physical interactions with other males. Despite their fearsome reputation, tigers are quite risk averse. A serious injury can mean death or starvation for them, so they try to avoid fighting whenever possible. Tigers like to assess each other's strength and usually the weaker tiger retreats before a fight can break out. However, when another male tiger encroaches on an established male’s territory, conflict can become brutal and direct. They aim straight for the kill, taking no chances. Unlike bears, with their thick coats and layers of fat, tigers are vulnerable with a relatively soft belly and an unprotected head. This makes their fights high stakes, like two gladiators fighting with swords but no shields, both risking serious injury or death."
The sight of Taiki pressed against the glass made Seijuro smile and even his eyes crinkled with it. Hikaru felt a genuine smile creep on his face too. A tiger stood pretty close to the panels as it walked around in its enclosure. It's muscles visible while it moved. Taiki followed its path along the glass panels in awe and moved further away from his father.
"I've been meaning to ask you something, Hikaru."
Hikaru felt his muscles tense as the smile on Seijuro's face turned into a flat line and the crinkles next to his eyes disappeared just as quickly. Seijuro's brows furrowed as he followed Taiki's movement a little further up the glass panes. Hikaru moved his eyes to the tiger enclosure. His hart could have just jumped out of his chest and he would believe it with the way it thumped. It even drowned out the sound of the animal caretaker's talking. Hikaru could suddenly feel Seijuro's eyes on him and the old man's dampened voice was the only sound to come through.
"Have you seen Airi hang around other actors lately?"
Hikaru felt like he was about to explode. He tried to still his body that automatically started rocking back and forth. He couldn't tell if his chest was hurting because of the beating of his heart or the burning of his lungs. Even when facing the tiger enclosure, he didn't really see what's in it anymore and he forced one of his confused expressions on his face that he has been practicing for the play. He put his hands in his shorts' pockets. He hoped Seijuro didn't see their shaking.
"No, not really," the words came out more smoothly than he expected with the way his lungs screamed at the exertion. It was a partial truth. He indeed hadn't seen Airi-san hang around other actors lately, but she has definitely been hanging around a familiar actor. He knew Seijuro wasn't just asking for work related reasons. Though, just the thought of Seijuro knowing about him and Airi-san made his thoughts spiral.
Please, don't hate me.
Don't hate me.
I want to stay with your family, forever.
Don't leave me.
Don't leave me.
His eyes pricked as the pleas raced through his head. His throat felt tight as if it was preparing itself to spill them all out.
He could hear Seijuro let out a long breath. "Thank you, that's a relief."
Even with Seijuro giving him what felt like a comforting pat on the shoulder, the tension didn't leave Hikaru's body. He felt sweat drip down his back.
Keep it together.
Keep it together.
The rest of the trip went by in a haze. He could only sometimes feel a shoulder or head pat from Seijuro or the murmur of a conversation between the Uehara's. He sometimes hummed along if he caught a piece of their conversation to at least make it look like he was engaged. Before he knew it, they stood at the exit of the zoo. Seijuro was holding a sleeping Taiki in his arms. He put the boy in his car seat and before Hikaru could open the door Seijuro faced him.
"How was the zoo? You looked quite lost in thought at the end." Hikaru didn't like the concerned look Seijuro was giving him.
"It was fun!" Hikaru exclaimed while forcing a bright smile on his face, but he then made his eyebrows frown and put his hand under his chin to answer the second part of Seijuro's question, "I've been thinking about the new play, it's quite a hard character I have to play."
It was another a lie on the enormous pile of lies that Hikaru has told Seijuro over the years.
"I've read it too, but I know you'll be able to pull it off," Seijuro said with a wink and thumbs up and then he went into the car.
The smile on Hikaru's face turned into a grin. Seijuro was truly way to kind to him, he believed him so easily. It almost made Hikaru chuckle. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve this new family. Yet, he didn't want to lose this family either. He was greedy like that.
All the tension of the past hour or so left his body as soon as his back hit the car seat and he felt the morning's bone deep exhaustion return. He wasn't going to lose this. If he has to keep lying to prevent senpai from leaving him, then so be it.
He'll keep lying no matter what. As that thought settled in his heart, he let the darkness of sleep take over.