Chapter Text
Sunghoon has good days and bad days. On good days, he’s not how he used to be. Instead of being as loud and chaotic as he was before, he’s more calm and sedated. He doesn’t need to put up an act anymore, he doesn’t need to act like everything is okay. He can be himself a little more now because Sunghoon knows the members know. All this time he thought that the members knowing the true state of his mental health would be an added burden. He never realized how relieving it would be.
But things are different on his bad days. The watchful, observing eyes of the members feel too suffocating, and the loud chatter of conversations makes his ears itch to the point he wants to rip the listening organs off.
On such days, everything seems to go painstakingly slow. The door won’t close fast enough, the wind won’t stop howling in slow motion, people will walk like sloths, and his own breath will come out too shaky, too slow like trying to breathe in needles.
And it annoys him. Infuriates him. The buzz, the lag, the intense heat of a supposedly gentle breeze, the hum, the chatter too distant and slurred. It makes him want to scratch at his skin, dig his nails hard into his palm until they’re red, marked with crescent-shaped indentations, or pull at his hair.
He knows with these tell-tale signs, that it is a bad day.
It is just a bad day. For him.
Sunghoon realizes that everything is exactly at the pace it’s supposed to be. It’s not too slow. He just wants it to go fast. He just wants this bad day to end.
Sunghoon knows he’s supposed to go talk to one of the members on such days or rehash the happenings to his therapist in his next session but the very point of these bad days is that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, much less try to explain the chemical shitstorm brewing in his head.
All he wants is to just escape.
On the bad days, the urge to leave comes back like a mosquito bite. Red, itching, raw. And he knows he’s not supposed to scratch at it too brashly lest it bleeds. But the impulse is hard to resist.
Sunghoon has been trying to keep it contained the entire day and he’s a little proud of himself for not alerting the members. At least he thinks he hasn’t concerned them. Yet.
Practice has just ended and they’re wrapping up as they put their belongings back in their bags and get ready to leave for the dorms. It’s been a long, tiring day.
Sunghoon notices how everybody is busy within themselves and so before he can attract anyone’s attention, he slips out of the studio, his duffel bag slung over his shoulder, and makes his way to the rooftop.
“OK, everyone! The van is here, let’s go!” Jungwon announces to alert the members to get them moving as he steps out of their practice room. Soon, the rest of the members are filing out. It’s as Ni-ki is exiting the room, closing it behind him that the leader proceeds to do a head count, letting the members move ahead of him so he can properly do it.
1..2..3..4…5... Five..?
FIVE?
Jungwon pauses, looking at the members, and his heart drops. Where is Sunghoon?
“Sunghoon hyung, Jake hyung said yes to the fishing trip!” Ni-ki excitedly jumps from his spot beside Jake. But when he doesn’t get a reply, he looks around in search of the older. “Sunghoon hyung?”
And then his eyes meet Jungwon’s. The maknae’s face mirrors the leader’s, panic slowly creeping in as their eyes widen.
“Guys, where’s Sunghoon hyung?” The members have stopped moving, standing like statues in the gray, wide, HYBE hallway.
“Ok ok let’s not panic. Maybe he went to the bathroom?” Heeseung tries but it does no good. The eldest can see it does no good.
“I’ll go check the bathroom.” He immediately says.
“I’ll go check the lounge in the practice room.”
“I’ll call the manager hyungs.”
Soon they have all dispersed to search for Sunghoon, hearts palpitating with panic and distress.
Jungwon is practically sprinting from one hallway to another, desperately searching for his hyung. His entire body feels like it’s on fire as the panic and terror override all his senses.
Finding Sunghoon after his attempt had left the second youngest with a routinely guest of nightmares of a similar scene yet with a tragic ending of actually losing Sunghoon.
Sunghoon lies unmoving, drenched in sweat yet paler than moonlight. He’s not breathing. His mind is telling him to move, to do something, to do anything but all he can do is scream.
The image is still fresh in his mind even though it’s been almost a month now. His current situation, inevitably, feels like deja vu and it has alarm bells going off in Jungwon’s head, loud and bright red.
Jungwon can’t even bother to give a fck about his leader image right now considering he looks akin to a madman, running around HYBE so frantically, barely holding back tears. The young leader refrains from crying in front of the members and in public, in general, to maintain a strong, dependable image of himself.
He knows it’s wrong to suppress his emotions like that so that the members don’t hesitate to approach him lest they think Jungwon isn’t okay or too burdened. Of course, Jungwon trusted the members but the fear was ever-present. But perhaps his approach was truly wrong in a completely different sense if Sunghoon couldn’t approach him, the leader, the older boy’s supposed confidant when he was clearly struggling. When he so desperately wanted to die. It wasn’t enough.
Nonetheless, ever since Sunghoon’s attempt, Jungwon has become more susceptible to crying in front of the members. He’s learned that perhaps being true to one’s emotions, also encourages the people around you to do the same. Sort of like setting an example, like giving an indirect reassurance that it’s okay to feel the way you do. Maybe that’s where he went wrong. Maybe that’s where he failed as a leader.
But his emotional instability doesn’t matter right now because the sheer terror that is consuming him at the moment is too overwhelming, the idea of losing Sunghoon again is making him lose his mind.
And it’s as he’s on his manic search, he stumbles across Taehyun. Jungwon knows he looks like a mess right now but he really can’t care.
Concern reigns over Taehyun’s features as he makes eye contact and takes in the state Jungwon is in. The younger pays no heed neither does he bother with formalities or greeting, only bowing hastily. “Taehyun hyung, have you seen Sunghoon hyung?”
“Jungwon..are you okay?” Taehyun instead asks, worry evident in the way his brows are furrowed.
Jungwon just dismissively shakes his head. “Just- I’m okay. I just need to know if you’ve seen hyung?” His eyes are wide with desperation as he imploringly stares back at Taehyun. “Have you?”
“I’m not sure-” Taehyun begins, still looking worried before his face lights up in realization. “Wait!”
“I did see him. I bumped into him earlier.”
Jungwon nearly doubles over in relief but just because Sunghoon was seen before doesn’t mean he’s okay. He still needs to know where his hyung is. “Where did you see him? Do you know where he was going?”
“It was near our practice room. I guess the elevators aren’t working so he was taking the stairs.” Taehyun replies.
Stairs? Where was he going? The younger boy voices out the same. “Stairs? Where to?”
“Well upstairs...so I guess to the roof?”
Jungwon feels his stomach drop, eyes widening in a realization of his own. Taehyun just stands there baffled and even more concerned than before at the way the younger boy starts breathing faster. But before he can ask what’s wrong or make a move to comfort him, Jungwon is gone.
Jungwon races up the stairs, not stopping for even a second to catch his breath until he reaches the door to the rooftop.
Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please. He really can’t witness the same scene with his hyung again but if it means he can save the older boy again, he will do it.
He doesn’t bother waiting or being subtle about it as he yanks the door open, stumbling onto the rooftop, unbothered as the wind blows harshly against his face. His eyes look frantically around, hopelessness creeping in inch by inch the longer it takes to spot Sunghoon but he finally does.
Sunghoon stands by the glass railing, clutching the metal rail as he stares into the landscape. He seems to be spaced out, not having heard the loud manner in which the leader barged in.
Jungwon knows Sunghoon is not in danger. He’s behind the railing which means that if the older boy tries to climb over then Jungwon can jump in and stop him. And yet his heart has not calmed down. Seeing Sunghoon look so lost at the edge does something terribly aching to his heart.
“Hyung?” He whispers out but he knows it’s no use. Sunghoon can’t hear him. Jungwon wants to go closer but for some reason, he thinks if he does, Sunghoon will move farther away. It’s irrational and yet Jungwon can’t help but feel this way. Instead, he gulps and tries again, louder. “Sunghoon hyung!”
It works as Sunghoon whips his head around, brows arched as he looks back at Jungwon in apparent confusion.
Seeing Sunghoon’s face is his breaking point as he runs forward, engulfing him in a tight hug, bawling his eyes out.
On the other hand, Sunghoon barely manages to catch Jungwon in his arms, shifting them away from the railing to the middle of the rooftop so that they don’t fall over.
He came up for fresh air as he often did with his fellow 02z members during their nascent days as idols. It always made him feel lighter to be up here, away from the chaos of the world, and yet on top of it, unfazed and untouched. It gave him a sense of security and safety that he desperately craved at that time.
So it’s an understatement to say Sunghoon is confused at Jungwon's sudden presence and wrecked emotional state. But it all starts to come together when Sunghoon finally makes out what the younger boy is mumbling as he sobs into his chest.
“Pls h-hyung, d-don’t leave m-me,” Sunghoon feels his heart crack.
Oh…
Jungwon thought that Sunghoon was about to…
“Please hyung!” Jungwon wails.
Sunghoon pulls out his phone from his back pocket, opening it to see several missed calls and messages from Heeseung, Ni-ki, Sunoo, Jake, Jay, and even their managers. He wants to slap himself.
Shit.
Of course, everyone got worried the moment they realized that Sunghoon wasn’t there. He hadn’t informed anyone, too much in a haste to calm his racing mind. Neither did he realize that he’d been up here longer than he’d planned to. He quickly sends a text on their private group chat and another on the one with their managers saying he’s okay and with Jungwon and that he’ll meet them by the vans, with one hand before he pockets it and returns his attention back to Jungwon.
“Won-ah, I’m not gonna leave you. I wasn’t going to,” Sunghoon tries to soothe the younger boy. Jungwon only cries harder, shaking his head fervently.
“N-no- don’t l-lie,” He croaks out.
“I’m not, wonie. I just came up to get fresh air. I’m so sorry I scared you,” Sunghoon says softly as he brushes Jungwon’s hair back prompting the younger boy to lift his head up. Sunghoon’s heart breaks at the sight of Jungwon’s tear-stained face and red glassy eyes knowing their young leader barely cries but he continues. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re not?” Jungwon asks, voice so soft and eyes so vulnerable as he stares back at Sunghoon.
“I’m not, dearest. I promise.” Sunghoon tucks Jungwon back into the crook of his neck. He sighs, tears barely at bay.
“I promise.”
When Jungwon and Sunghoon appear in the parking lot about 10 minutes after Sunghoon’s text, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Heeseung and Jay are rushing forward, ready to examine them for any injuries. Sunghoon finds it both funny and heart-aching at the same time. But before anyone can get a word out, Ni-ki comes crashing into Sunghoon’s arms, holding him tight. The older boy can feel the tears of the maknae starting to soak through his tee and his labored breathing. Sunghoon feels tears prick his own eyes as he reciprocates the hug just as tightly.
“H-hyung, pls don’t ever leave like that again- I-” Ni-ki chokes up.
“I’m so sorry Riki-ah. But I am okay...I promise.” Sunghoon says, trying to reassure the maknae.
Heeseung eyes him suspiciously and Sunghoon tries not to feel shame nudge him. Jay looks like he’s about to cry too and Sunghoon is surprised by the sudden urge to tease the supposedly older boy in the midst of his burning guilt and shame. (It suddenly gives him hope that perhaps he can truly be himself again)
“Jay-ah, don’t go all emo on me now too,” Sunghoon teases. Jay scoffs, ready with an angry retort but Jake answers instead.
“Shut up. Where the fck did you go, you idiot?!” Jake curses, coming up to them. The Aussie looks angry but Sunghoon can see it’s without heat if the unshed tears in his best friend’s eyes are anything to go by.
“I am sorry. I swear I just went up to get fresh air..I-I wasn’t feeling the best. But it wasn't what you guys were thinking!” Sunghoon clarifies. Jake lets out a shuddering breath before joining him and Ni-ki in a bone-crushing hug. “You scared the shit out of me, pls don’t do that again.” Jake’s voice breaks ever so slightly.
Sunghoon feels the guilt and shame claw at him harder. He doesn’t get to wallow in it longer as his bandmates surround him. He feels a warmth in his cold hands and looks down to see Sunoo holding it. For someone who isn’t the fondest of skinship, Sunoo has been very indulging for the past month.
The younger boy smiles at him, eyes twinkling but Sunghoon knows it's because of tears, the dried patches on his cheeks a dead giveaway. “You said you weren’t feeling the best hyung? We can watch that new drama if you want?”
Sunghoon feels his heart warm at the suggestion and he nods. “I would love to, Sunoo-ah. Thank you.” He squeezes Sunoo’s hand to emphasize his gratefulness.
“Yah stop hogging him, you brats!” Heeseung scolds but it’s soft and he sends his hyung a smile. Heeseung returns it, mouthing ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Sunghoon nods.
And although he was having a bad day. It’s not so bad anymore.
The guilt of scaring the members is still ever-present and so is the shame that they assumed he was trying to hurt himself but really he can’t help but feel loved. The two negatives make him realize that he needs to be here. No matter what.
He can’t leave his family.
It’s not an option anymore.