Work Text:
It was very hot, and the sunlight invaded through the car windows, toasting the leather seats to a soft, hot bread freshly baked that couldn't be eaten. The air conditioning didn’t work, so Nakajima Atsushi had to sit sweaty in the back seat, enduring the glances from the passenger seat. The man with thinning hair was Akutagawa Ryuunosuke’s driving instructor. Whenever he spoke, his voice buzzed the air, always with a mocking smile on his face.
"Are you here to watch your little boyfriend learn to drive?"
Atsushi quickly waved his hand and wiped off some cold sweat, "No, no, no, we are... classmates..."
"Sworn enemy."
Akutagawa spoke while driving, his voice as cold as the absent cooled air. The instructor glanced at him and said, "Had a fight?"
They indeed had a fight, but the war was one-sidedly initiated by Akutagawa. A month ago, they both joined the literature club, which periodically published a reputable magazine titled "Innocence" within and outside the university. Akutagawa had always admired the chief editor, Dazai Osamu—he knew every detail of how Dazai promoted the magazine to fame, completely ignoring the contributions of the deputy editor, Kunikida Doppo. They were told upon joining the club that each issue only had one page reserved for new members. Four days ago, they submitted their manuscripts, and only then did Akutagawa tell Atsushi what he had written. He narrated a story involving a servant, an old woman, and a corpse, leaving the latter half for the next time. Shortly after, Dazai told Akutagawa that his work was very, very good, and they had a lot of discussions before finally choosing Atsushi's work over Akutagawa's. Since that day, Akutagawa stopped talking to Atsushi, who only guessed that maybe the literature club issue had offended him.
The next day, Dazai found Atsushi and told him that both their pieces were initially planned for publication, but an old piece from a former member of the club had been found after being unintentionally misplaced. They decided to publish that long-overdue story first and expanded the new member section in the next issue, which means both Atsushi and Akutagawa's stories would be published in the next issue of "Innocence."
"But I told Akutagawa the outdated decision yesterday. Please inform him of the correct one."
So Atsushi tried to explain that things had changed, and they no longer needed to fight against each other. But Akutagawa wouldn't listen. Every time Atsushi mentioned the literature club or "Innocence", Akutagawa would cut him off coldly, sometimes with just a "shut up," refusing to talk further. If he persisted, he would start coughing. As Akutagawa's roommate, Atsushi should have had so many chances to explain, but all his efforts were crushed out. It forced him to follow to the driving school, and only to be ignored again. It’s really hot, Akutagawa needed to focus on driving, so it was understandable that he wasn't in the mood to listen. Atsushi thanked the instructor for not kicking him out of the car and idly looked out the window. The sunlight was burning on the new leaves, while he was still adrift in an unknown and redundant mission. He didn't understand why he was surrounded by such capricious guys, but thought they were all actually good men, and he should be content.
He then looked up at the high, far sky with a bright expression, which made Akutagawa even more annoyed through the rearview mirror. He must be happy about the "Innocence" matter, this hateful guy who had taken Dazai's recognition away from him. Akutagawa wished he could kick him out, far out of his sight. But the instructor seemed to like Atsushi, too. Atsushi was easier to get along with, polite and gentle, unlike Akutagawa, who always seemed gloomy. Even though his tuberculosis had been cured, Akutagawa still wasn't very healthy, often coughing, making him feel inferior. The more he thought about it, the more irritated he became, and he started coughing violently. The instructor told him to take a break, left the car to buy water. Atsushi offered to go instead but was waved off.
Atsushi felt very touched by the instructor's kindness and found him a kind man, showing a silly, innocent expression that further angered Akutagawa, driving him to the brink of his rage. Akutagawa restarted the car, stepping on the gas and knocking down all the cones along the way, nearly hitting another car. Atsushi panicked and shouted, "Don't make me die before you’re going to I worked hard on my story to be published in the next issue of 'Innocence' let me live till then!"
Akutagawa suddenly braked, and they both slammed forward thanks to the inertia. He stopped coughing entirely.
"Next issue? Not this one?"
"No," Atsushi rubbed his forehead that hit the front seat, annoyed, "That's what I've been trying to tell you. Our stories will be published in the next issue, both yours and mine."
Akutagawa, flushed with anger, turned to scold him, "What do you mean ‘yours and mine’? Are you complaining? Are you saying I’m wrong?"
"But you didn't give me even a chance to explain, never know you’ve overdone! Please just lose your temper with limit."
"Enough." The instructor returned with water, handed it to Akutagawa, and asked him to get out of the car to drink and get scolded. His session wasn't over, but the instructor punished him by sending him back.
"Think about what you did. If you don't take it seriously, never ever come back."
Atsushi kept apologizing to the instructor until he saw a softening expression on the man's face. They left, walking one after the other under the scorching sun, feeling their bodies dehydrate. Atsushi asked for water, and Akutagawa handed him the empty bottle. Atsushi wanted to wave the as-light-as-paper bottle as a weapon, but seeing Akutagawa's slightly slumped shoulders and ghostly walk, he remembered Akutagawa's frail health and couldn't bring himself to do it.
They walked and walked, the journey as long as an Odyssey. Atsushi wanted to suggest taking a bus or subway, but Akutagawa seemed intent on walking. Atsushi wasn't even sure if Akutagawa wanted to go back; it seemed he was just walking to distance himself from Atsushi. Helpless Atsushi bought two bottles of water and followed, walking until the sky turned from blue to white to black. A strong wind blew, and a downpour began, the raindrops hitting like bullets. They were crossing a street at that time, unable to get out of the rain, and Atsushi grabbed Akutagawa's hand, fearing they would be separated by the rain and crowd. They sheltered under a shopping mall and took a taxi without argument. Akutagawa started coughing again, but it was controllable, more worrisome was his sneezing. Back in the dorm, Atsushi found Akutagawa with a high fever and rushed him to the campus hospital.
While getting an IV drip, Akutagawa drifted in and out of sleep, while Atsushi slept deeply, breathing slowly and steadily. Atsushi was used to sleeping anywhere, a habit they shared because of their tough backgrounds, and they were both alert to sounds, which means potential danger. Atsushi had been woken by Akutagawa's coughing before, but just turned over and slept, saying the next day, "I heard coughing at night and thought it was you, then I slept again." Akutagawa didn't understand, as if saying they had grown used to each other's presence in their life. But Akutagawa took it as a misunderstanding and pretended not to understand.
Watching Atsushi's sleeping face, Akutagawa turned to the ceiling, illuminated by corridor lights, streetlights, and moonlight, with blurred tree shadows. Time spied into the night, flowing silently and solidly. He felt sleepiness closing in, and closed his eyes. Time disappeared in his sleep, and he woke up the next morning, greeted by bright, new sunlight. Atsushi was still by his bed, reading something. Seeing Akutagawa awake, he handed over the latest issue of "Innocence" and got up to buy breakfast. Akutagawa felt his fever should be subsiding. The hospital bed wasn't uncomfortable; he decided to rest a bit longer.
He ran through the contents, saw there was no new member section in this issue; it was replaced by an old story from the former member. Hugging the blanket to his chest, he felt Atsushi was foolish for trying to explain earlier. If he had waited a few days, Akutagawa would have learned the truth from the magazine released and would have been patient to listen. But thinking his reluctance to face failure may delay his reading… he stopped pondering. He felt foolish for now considering things from Atsushi's perspective. He closed his eyes, breathing in the faint, familiar smell of disinfectant.
Atsushi hadn’t bought breakfast in advance because he didn’t know when Akutagawa would wake up. He feared the breakfast would get cold, so he waited for him to wake up before going to buy it. But when he returned, he saw a peaceful sleeping face. He tiptoed over to place the breakfast down and sat back in the chair to open "Innocence." It was at this moment that Akutagawa woke up, his eyes opening like the sun rising over the horizon, casting a gentle morning light. At this time, his gaze wasn’t so cold and sharp. He sat up, saw the breakfast, and saw Atsushi, who put down the literary magazine again.
Akutagawa slowly took the milk and soft toast, saying, "Read me one of Dazai-senpai’s stories." Sometimes they would read their own works to each other; it was not unusual. However, Atsushi didn’t pick up "Innocence" but instead closed it and propped up his chin.
“Let me tell you something else. It's the story I submitted.”
Akutagawa responded irritably, "I can just read it in the next issue."
“You haven't finished telling the other half. Anyway, listen to mine…”
He bit into the fragrant toast, chewing it slowly. The toast became even softer in his saliva. He started late, so he had to listen to the story about a person turning into a tiger, and he finished listening.
In the activity room of the literature club, the chief editor was busy at the table they used for meetings. The deputy editor walked in at that moment.
“Did all the members get it? I didn’t see Atsushi and Akutagawa.”
“Atsushi came, and he took two copies.”
“They’re not still arguing about the page, are they? You, as the chief editor…” He looked around, “Those two are always active, but haven’t shown these days.”
“They’re probably out on a date somewhere now.”
Seeing the deputy editor’s incredulous look, the chief editor chuckled suddenly.