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I didn’t know how to approach her even though this was all that I’ve ever wanted. Like, ever. I had known her since kindergarten, which basically counted as forever. The Beginning of time. I’d even swear that I’d known her in my past lives, so even before The Beginning I’ve been her friend. Her best friend.
So it wasn’t a surprise I noticed that something was off with her. This girl was really expressive with her feelings; when happy, small stars shone in her gorgeous blue eyes; when sad, her blue orbs turned grey, stormy clouds blurring her gaze. When she laughed, her precious smile reached her eyes, making them crinkle at the corners, her nose scrunching prettily along. While crying, her pink lips pouted, eyebrows frowning in such an agonising way that my heart would stop every time.
But talking about her feelings? Her real, deepest feelings? Or showing them? And not suppressing them? She did it like it was some kind of fun hobby of hers.
Look, I’m not gonna complain that much, I know that I’m shit with my own feelings too. I hate talking about them, dealing with them, or even showing them. But I know that they aren’t gone, they’re here under the surface, and sometimes I feel like I’ll explode- and that happens. Sometimes. Okay, almost all the time. I can let it out, blowing off steam from time to time.
But Aziraphale?
She thinks she’s some kind of black hole that can swallow down everything. She constantly tolerates her dad’s behaviour, her mom’s ignorance, takes care of her little sister, she endures her brother’s irresponsible choices, and she’s still compared to their oldest brother, leaving her with the biggest, stupidest want of academic validation.
And let’s not dive into the religious trauma part because I won’t be able to stop myself, ‘kay?
So, long story short, something was wrong with her, but I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. I could see it on her face, the way she looked at me, it was like… Like she was in pain. She looked worried, troubled sighs escaping his lungs, rosy lips pressing into a thin line, and she continually fidgeted with her ring. It got worse when we were alone, as if she was trying to tell me about it, but she just couldn’t make herself to. Not even when I asked her.
Or, or when I left with the gang this lunch break to sneak out from the school to our usual spot on the street to smoke cigarettes. She looked so damn troubled. And last week, when I didn’t tell her about sneaking out alone with Lucifer, she looked… Like, well, like her heart was on the edge of breaking apart .
So I figured out it must be something that I’ve done. I wish she’d just tell me, I wouldn’t get angry, she knows that I wouldn’t. I make stupid shit. I know. But how am I supposed to apologise when she does not tell me, not even when I ask?
I flicked the cigarette butt, causing burnt ash to fall onto the pavement. I breathed out a long breath of bitter smoke, my shoulders sinking as the tension left my body temporarily. I looked up at the blue spring sky, on which clouds stretched out tiredly and lazily. The warmer early May weather brought with it the full awakening of nature. The leaves of the tall, old linden tree danced gently as the warm breeze swayed them. The hustle and bustle of the students could be heard from the school's proud building, making the street so alive that we easily could forget that youthness was short. Our time was limited, but we would not recognize it until it’s too late.
“What’s on your mind? You look so terrible that even flies avoid you”, said Beez, a cold, but if you got to know them, a very reliable person. They wore a baggy t-shirt with a worn out blazer above it. Their favourite striped trousers reached way above their ankles, net socks poking out of their narrow fitted leather shoes. Their whole outfit was pitch black as my own.
“Ngk, well. I dunno…”, I broke my gaze away from them, suddenly feeling rather exposed.
They stumped their cigarette then held it between their fingers.
“Don’t mumble, just say it already.”
“I think, I somehow… May have hurted Aziraphale’s feelings.”
They raised an eyebrow. “And that’s the reason why you’re like this? Just say sorry to her, deepshit.”
“But I don’t even know what I did!” I argued back.
“Then just ask her.”
“She won’t tell me.”
They crossed their arms, like a parent who saw their kid do some not-allowed thing. They honestly almost felt like one, being a senior student. “Really?”
I hesitated. “Y-yeah.”
“Well, that didn’t convince me.”
I groaned. “Okay, well, maybe, I didn’t ask it directly , but I also didn’t want to be too pushy, so I…”
“So you just beat around the bush just like the coward you are”, they grinned at me, as if being right made them win some fucking prize. Beez put one hand in their pocket, and leaned into the iron fence. “Just ask her. You’ve known each other since forever, you always hang out together, and also sit together in class…”, they stopped for a moment, thinking, “Honestly, if I’d’ve to spend so much time with you, I’d start to act weird too, haha.”
I ran my fingers through my red hair frustrated. “This actually does not make me feel better.”
“Then just take my advice and talk, cunt.”, their voice sterned.
“Oh wow, thank you Lord Beelzebub, I would’ve never guessed something that simple.” I rolled my eyes even though Beez couldn’t see it because of my dark sunglasses.
“Yeah I know, no need to thank me.”, they smirked.
“Without you I’d die stupid”, my lips also twitched up to a small smile. Beez had a cynical personality. Sometimes it turned into a friendly mocking, which was mostly fine, but in situations like this I always found it harsh. They used it as a defence mechanism, I guess, and I could understand it, but still. Sometimes it was hard to handle it right, to not get angry at their words, even though I knew that they were at heart loyal and responsible.
However, Beez was still right. We needed to communicate, me and Aziraphale. I just needed to gather strength, be brave and find the proper situation, so she could come out safely from her shell.
On the corner of the street stood a mini store, the majority of its income came surely from our school. Almost all the students bought their lunch there every morning, and those who dared to sneak out obviously also visited it during the day. It was an old building, which was probably built when our parents were born, but since then it has not been touched, let alone renovated. Although it was painted on the inside so it wouldn't look so repulsive. In front of its shabby door was another rusty barred door that almost no one had ever seen in use. It had a dirty white tiled floor and the small interior was crammed with so many shelves that two people could barely walk side by side. The people working there could have been from the area, they probably only had a high school certificate - or not even that - and because of their lack of profession, they had been working there for at least thirty years. It could be seen on them that they are a little worse off financially than the average, although in this country the average was not doing well either.
However the store was a very important place in our school life. It was ours, or so we felt like it was.
Hastur, a tall, white haired boy from our class, and his boyfriend, Ligur, a head shorter than him with rare light brown eyes that magically changed according to how much light shined on them, who was in another class, came out from the small facility.
“What did you buy?” I asked them.
“Not much”, answered Hastur while showing me some pastry and an energy drink, “If you want to buy anything you better hurry, cuz there’s only cocoa swirl and parcels left.”
Suddenly an idea popped in my head.
“You mean cottage cheese parcels?” I added, my voice suddenly excited.
“Yeah.” he raised his eyebrows at me.
I stumped my cigarette and tossed it into the metal bin and ran across the street to the store. “Don’t wait for me if I won’t be back on time.”
I ran in through the old door of the convenience store, said hello to the checkout lady – who knows almost every student as if she were our own teacher – and then took long, hurried strides back to the pastry section.
Behind the counter stood an elderly lady, her uniform covered by a white apron, her hair in a tiny bun at the back of her head. She wore hearing aids, or should have, because she never wore them, but that didn't stop her from serving customers.
"Hello," I said, making eye contact with her, "I'd like three cottage cheese parcels, please."
She blinked two or three times, then after a few moments she asked back, "Pardon?"
"I'll have three cottage cheese parcels, please," I said excitedly. I was never patient enough.
"What would you like?"
I took a deep breath, "Three cottage cheese parcels."
"Eight cheese scones?"
"No, I said three cheese parcels!"
"What did you say?"
I groaned in agony. It's impossible someone can forget to put in their hearing aid every single day.
"Three parcels of cottage cheese, please" a deep, familiar voice, a little louder than me, called from behind me.
"Ah, well, why didn't you say so?" the old lady behind the counter muttered as she took out a bag for the pastries.
I turned around to find a boy with long blond hair, barely a head taller than me, standing opposite me.
"Lucifer," I put my hands on my hips, "It's not fair to sneak up behind someone like that."
He laughed, "You didn't seem to get on with the lady."
"I was in complete control of the situation," I thanked her for the cottage cheese and took the sac in my hand, "I'm starting to worry that it's actually her memory that's more of a problem than her hearing."
"What do you mean?" he put his hands in his pockets.
"Well, she never brings her hearing aids with her."
"Maybe she just doesn't like wearing it."
"Who wouldn’t want to be able to hear?" , I frowned.
"It's different to not be able to hear by your choice than it is to be so deaf that you can't help it," he allowed me to walk forward between the two shelves, "It gives you a sense of being in control."
I glanced back at him. His purple eyes locked on mine, even though I was still wearing the sunglasses, I could feel him almost seeing through the lenses. He always had something deep to tell about all things. It kind of fascinated me, but somehow made me slightly insecure at the same time. Lucifer was a great listener and observer, making him impossible to read on the other hand.
I never knew what he was thinking and that was what made me cautious.
"It's not even noon yet and you're already philosophising?", I grinned, “Only you would like to hear your own voice that much.”
He got my joke, so he smirked, "Don't tell me you don't like– Watch out.”
He put his hand on my shoulder quickly and stopped me. As we came out of the two shelves, directly in front of me, two small children ran past with shopping trolleys in their hands. I almost bumped into them.
His hand was surprisingly cool to the touch. His long fingers and large palm were spread over my bony shoulder which was covered by my black Queen T-shirt. At that moment, I felt a lovely warmth to his touch.
"Where are the parents of these kids?" the words fell out of my mouth in a growl, the bag of pastries clutched to my chest.
"Relax, they're just kids," he shook his head, his hand lingering on my shoulder longer than it should have, then it slowly slid to my waist. I didn't refuse.
"That's the point," I muttered quietly. We got to the cash register, paid (Lucifer bought himself an energy drink and a mint gum), and stopped at the front of the convenience store.
"I'm still going to the tobacco shop. You coming?" He pointed in the direction of the establishment.
"No, sorry. I just spent all my money for the week, haha."
"I'll lend you some."
"I don't like owing anybody money."
"Oh well, sure" he prepared to move, "Enjoy your meal then."
"Thanks, but I didn't buy it for myself."
One eyebrow shot up as if he caught on someone doing something suspicious, "Well, for who, then?"
"Aziraphale."
A much heavier than necessary silence fell upon us, which I did not at the time attribute as strange.
"I see. Then bon appétit to her," he turned his back on me, "I'll see you later."
"Bye," I waved at him and with that I stepped off the sidewalk, trudging straight towards the school.
Okay, this may be ridiculous, but I bought three parcels, the sweetest they’d got (and they were still warm!), got late in class (at least no one caught me while sneaking back in), the teacher shouted at me, but it was all worth it.
I sat beside Aziraphale with a mischievous grin spreading across my face. She raised an eyebrow at me, knowing that I must’ve done something wicked.
By the end of class it got a little bit cold, but still warm enough to be tasty.
“Where have you been?” she questioned me after the teacher left the classroom.
“I’ve got you a surprise,” I winked at her and got the pasty out of my bag. The cottage cheese’s sweet scent almost immediately started to spread.
Aziraphale sniffed in the air. “Oh, don’t tell me you bought…”
I slid the package in front of her on the table. “Yes. For you.” It was her favourite.
She lit up as she opened the sac. She reached in and took out a piece, making her perfectly manicured fingers a little sugar powdered. She raised it to her mouth and bit into it carefully, so as not to smear her pretty strawberry lip gloss. After she had tasted it sufficiently, she made the little sounds of satisfaction that she always used to while eating. It gave me goosebumps.
I watched her eat the cottage cheese parcels the whole time. The light came in through the window, illuminating her short, curly, blond hair. It was like I saw a real halo around her head. A soft blush appeared on her cheeks, which only made her more adorable. I didn't even notice, but the world around me ceased to exist at that moment. I didn't hear the loud conversation of my classmates, nor the rustle of the breeze coming in from the window, nor the ticking of the clock on the wall. Seriously, if a bomb had been dropped, my brain wouldn't even have registered it.
I didn't care about anything but her. It's just her and the fact that she's happy and smiling, all because I bought her a snack. I just spent my last coins of my pocket money, but I just couldn’t care.
I didn't need anything, I felt. No bright future, no loving parents, no cigarettes. Hell, I would have given up even my dream of getting a pet snake if it meant that Aziraphale could be a part of my life forever.
Her smile was everything to me.
At that moment, a tense feeling appeared in my chest, I could almost hear the pulsation of my heart in my ears. My focus was fixed on one point, and oh, suddenly the taste of strawberries seemed so tempting…
Our eyes suddenly met and Aziraphale's face turned even redder than it already was. She stared at me with her huge blue eyes, in it hundreds of nameless stars flashing back at me. Oh, if I could repaint the night sky, I would paint it to resemble your eyes. If I would have created the galaxies, the picture of you would be everywhere, Aziraphale.
Although I feel that even the whole universe will never match your beauty.
“What… What’s the matter?” the blonde haired girl murmured.
It snapped me back to reality a little, at least I started to realise that we were at school and people were around us.
“You know.”
And the connection between my mouth and brain (if I truly had one) was lost.
“Whichever boy you’d choose in the future, they’ll all be horribly lucky.”
I propped my head in the palm of my hand, and even though my eyes were covered by sunglasses, I'm almost certain that hearts must have appeared in the place of my pupils. My smile was relaxed, wide, not mocking, but reassuring. And in love.
But I didn’t realise it back then.
Again, that foggy shine appeared in her eyes, mouth turning into a tight line, hand fidgeting with her ring.
“Thank you.” She whispered.
My stomach clenched.
I messed up.
Again.
And how many more times will I screw it up until you can finally forgive my heart that loved too blindly.
