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Zoe had learned to slowly accept even the more unpleasant parts of life.
How could she not? Her brother was who he was, and that made her nearly invisible at home. Of course it stung. But the human mind can adjust to nearly everything, so she would always swallow her resentment and move on. Try a little harder. Talk a little louder. Anything to prove that she wasn’t a ghost.
Even though Connor was trying to change, she was glad they were pretty different. She had made quite a name for herself at school, people generally tended to like her and she had her personal circle of friends. So it was fine. She wasn’t a spirit that just haunted places where Connor existed.
It was on a particular weekend, where she was having a harder time to swallow the usual bitterness of everyday life, that she was once again pleasantly reminded she wasn’t alone.
From Jacob A.: Heyy Zoe u want to hang out today or whatever?
sent: 10:32
She smiled at her phone, internally thanking whatever God may be out there.
From Zoe M.: Hey :) I’d love to, what do you have in mind??
sent: 10:33
Connor had been on edge all week, no one seemed to know why. But obviously that resulted in everyone obsessing over him even more than usual. Yet Zoe was a person too. She got upset as well, why did no one pay extra attention to that?
Okay. Alana did.
But Alana was busy. As usual. Working on her extra assignments for more credit and whatnot, writing college essays…Sometimes it felt as if the two girls were so far apart that Zoe got reminded of her insignificance.
Whatever. She didn’t care. Or so she told herself.
After half an hour, she made her way to the coffee shop near Jacob’s house, their usual hangout spot. They didn’t often go there alone, since they had become closer through mutual friends, however she didn’t think it was odd that he decided to call her there.
And who was she to refuse? She was tired of living in Connor’s shadow constantly, even if the particular situation had been going on for a week. She sometimes deserved to not accept the frustration her life brought along.
As she opened the door to the shop, she immediately spotted Jacob who waved her over.
‘’Hey,’’ she greeted, trying to smile genuinely.
Jacob got up and gave her a friendly hug, then sat back down and so did Zoe. ‘’Hey, Zo. I already ordered your favorite and some dessert. It should be brought out soon.’’
‘’Cool, thanks, Jacob!’’
The use of the nickname slightly irritated her, however she didn’t want to start a fight, so she just accepted it for what it was and let it go. She only let close friends call her that and Alana, and maybe Connor. Well, when he was younger.
He just nodded, smiling warmly. Jacob was a football player, but didn’t play professionally or anything, as far as Zoe knew. He didn’t even play on the school team. Though, he always made sure to boast about his knowledge on the sport. Zoe usually laughed about it, joking that he was full of shit.
The boy waved a hand in front of her face: ‘’Hello? Earth to Zoe?’’
‘’Oh, shit, sorry. Must’ve zoned out a little,’’ she apologized, realizing her thoughts had carried her away.
‘’ ‘S fine, I was just talking about the new football game that’s happening soon.’’
Of course he was, Zoe chuckled lightly to herself.
They engaged in a simple conversation, mostly small talk, Zoe was trying her hardest to focus and prove that she was there. Show that she wasn’t empty space, nor Connor’s shadow.
Before long, their coffee and desserts got brought out, they both thanked the waiter and began eating and drinking. Jacob had ordered a donut and a simple latte for her. She internally rolled her eyes at the choices, however didn’t say anything out loud.
After a while, Jacob started fiddling with his half empty cup. ‘’Hey, Zo, can I ask you something?’’
‘’Sure, what is it?’’
A little moment of silence started, and a pit opened at the bottom of Zoe’s stomach. She had a feeling what was going to happen, why he wanted to hang out with just them two, but she still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
But as the silence stretched, she could feel herself getting more and more nervous.
‘’Zoe, do you like me?’’
There it was. The million dollar question.
She imagined that she was on a game show, this was the last question, and if she got it right, she would win. But was there a correct answer? No, of course not. It was a trick, and she could lose everything.
She could play it dumb, pretend that she had no idea what the hell he was talking about, say that of course she did, they were friends after all…But what good would it do? She knew what he was asking. Yet even for just a second, she wanted to push back the disaster waiting to happen.
‘’Of course I do,’’ she chuckled, she could see the hope in his eyes, ‘’we’re friends, aren’t we?’’
‘’You know that’s not what I meant.’’
She shrugged, still playing dumb. Maybe if she kept pretending, she could still ‘win’. However that was clearly asking for too much, the world didn’t care about Zoe. They didn’t care whether she was happy or sad, not when she was just an empty presence.
Jacob sighed, looking more frustrated than ever. ‘’Zo, friendship between a guy and a girl just can’t be, you know? So, like, I feel as if this whole time you’ve just been, like…leading me on. Is it not enough? Why can’t you just admit it now?’’
‘’Sorry, Jacob, I don’t see you that way.’’
He rolled his eyes. ‘’And pigs can fly. I really like you, you know? Come on, I’ll treat you like a princess.’’
‘’Fuck off, I have a girlfriend, you asshole.’’ She wished she could say, but she reminded herself that she had accepted so much, she could accept more. She could be quiet. She could be soft. She wouldn’t yell and she wouldn’t swear.
She got up, feeling as if someone had punched her in the stomach.
‘’Just so you know, my favorite coffee isn’t even a latte.’’
And then she left.
She felt as if her heart was being torn into pieces, she didn’t even know why. She was pretty sure she was crying, yet no one saw it. All the people walking besides her, their gazes just going right through her.
Zoe had learned to slowly accept even the more unpleasant parts of life.
But there were times when she wished she could scream and cry, anything to prove that she was still alive. Not just empty air.