Work Text:
The first time it happens, they are all tired and sweaty from practice. They have been perfecting their choreography for Songbird, working their bodies to the brink just to execute details. So when their choreographer yells out an approval, signaling that they’re done for today, they all but collapse on the floor, letting out groans and sighs of relief.
Riku crawls towards where the water bottles are, ignoring the soreness of his body in exchange of hydrating himself. He props himself up on a wall and opens a bottle, chugging it down in record speed. He scans the practice room in a moment of lullness, taking in the after-practice atmosphere where everyone is doing anything to relieve themselves.
He sees Sion and Sakuya conversing on the couch, giggling amongst themselves. Riku smiles to himself, their joy spreading to him. He moves his eyes and catches sight of Jaehee and Ryo sitting on the floor by the couch, both focused on their phones. He shakes his head, kids these days, and searches for the member he has not seen ever since they stopped practice, frowning when he realizes he’s not anywhere near the couch–
“Riku,”
Said boy jumps, clutching at his chest in surprise. Riku looks up, still a bit shaken from the scare, “Jesus, Yushi. Don’t sneak up like that,” he deflates, putting the now empty water bottle on his side. “I almost died, you know.”
Yushi just presses his mouth together, like he’s trying not to laugh. This brat .
And then he just stands there awkwardly, looking unsure of himself as he fidgets with his hands, gaze still trained on the boy before him. Riku blinks up at him, tilting his head and patting the younger’s leg. “Yushi? Anything wrong?”
Yushi shakes his head, crouching down so he’s eye-level with Riku. Then he looks down on the floor and stares at it like it’s the most interesting thing in the world while Riku waits patiently with a worried stare cast at the younger.
“I want to nap,” Yushi says and Riku almost does not hear him, with the other’s already soft voice in low volume, eyes still on the floor.
Riku quirks an eyebrow, finding Yushi endearing at the same time ridiculous. “Okay? Then nap.”
“I want–” Yushi’s head suddenly shoots up, eyes now trained somewhere on Riku’s area. The younger clamps his mouth shut and blinks at Riku, like the older can read his mind and know exactly what he wants.
“What? What is it?” Riku says a bit exasperatedly, and maybe he’s become too fond of the boy, because Riku feels a thug on his heart when he looks at the younger before him, eyes wide and mouth pulled into an unsure pout. Maybe it’s too late in the day to dwell on his feelings, but Yushi can ask for anything and he’ll be more than happy to provide–
“Your shoulder..” He hears the other say.
“My shoulder? What about–” Riku stops himself, gears turning in his head as all click into place. “You want to nap on my shoulder?” He asks despite himself– despite the sweat clinging to him and the nervousness that suddenly spreads through him.
Yushi only nods, looking shy. And really, how can Riku deny him of anything?
Riku swallows any lingering taste of romantically inclined feelings and opens his arms wordlessly. Yushi looks surprised, like he’s not expecting anything but rejection. Riku almost coos.
Yushi untangles his limbs from his previous crouched position and crawls towards Riku, slotting himself to the older’s side and resting his head on his shoulder. Riku wraps an arm around him and pulls him closer, angling his body a bit so the other can rest more comfortably.
He taps Yushi’s waist twice and asks, “Is this okay?” and feels him nod sluggishly against his shoulder, hair tickling his neck. Riku allows himself to fall back against the wall again, careful not to jostle the younger.
They’ve hugged before– plenty of times, even. But this feels more intimate than any hug they’ve shared before, all of them have been fleeting celebratory hugs and relaxed one shoulder hugs. But this–
Riku feels Yushi’s exhales and the flutter of his eyelashes on his skin, the other’s body solid and firm against his side. He flexes his fingers instinctively, momentarily bringing Yushi closer to him and leaving no space left between them. Yushi only inches closer, borderline nuzzling on Riku’s neck and mumbling to himself.
The older of the two looks over to Yushi, seeing the other so relaxed and pliant against him. The sight does nothing to help the overwhelming fondness that consumes him, deciding that he likes holding Yushi. Definitely nothing to do with his feelings for the younger.
Riku allows his eyes to drift back to his other members, almost recoiling when he locks eyes with Sion. Their leader raises his eyebrows, eyes fleeting back and forth over the cuddling pair by the wall across the couch. Riku only shakes his head and Sion flashes him a knowing look before turning back to Sakuya.
When they get home from practice, Riku tries to ignore the lingering warmth on his side and the ghost feeling of another body pressed against his.
They’re in the dressing rooms of a music show building when it happens again. Everyone is scurrying about and doing their jobs, fussing over wrinkled fabric and uneven makeup. It’s a familiar atmosphere– one Riku accustomed himself to over the months of performing and chasing his dreams. Despite his bias of quiet surroundings, he thinks he’ll never get tired of the smell of hairspray and the mixed voices of people stating orders at the same time.
Riku stands up when the makeup noona nods at him and ushers him out of the seat so she can do Ryo’s makeup next. He pats Ryo’s head as he stands up from where the younger is standing beside him and shares a smile with him before leaving to go to where the couch is. He sees Yushi and Jaehee sitting together when he arrives, the other two being the first ones to get their hair and makeup done. They look up when they take notice of Riku standing by the couch.
“Riku hyung,” Jaehee greets him and Riku waves at him in return. Riku walks over and sits next to the unoccupied space beside Yushi who gives him a small smile.
“Continue with your conversation, I think I’ll nap for a bit.” Riku says when he notices that the other two stop talking and closes his eyes. He hears the murmur of their voices after a bit and he relaxes, slumping more on the couch but careful not to mess his hair. He internally cringes as he imagines the earful he’ll get from the stylist noonas if he’s not careful.
Riku is about to drift away to sleep when he feels a gentle weight settle over his hand that’s resting on his thigh, causing him to open his eyes in slight annoyance. However, the emerging annoyance instantly fades away when he sees Yushi’s own hand on top of his, just shyly resting over it. He’s still immersed in whatever he and Jaehee are talking about, like the action is unconscious and familiar– like he isn’t even aware of what he’s doing. Riku can’t help the rush of blood creeping up to his cheeks, and it takes everything in him to not move his limbs.
He certainly can’t sleep like this, so he just closes his eyes and allows himself to welcome the warmth radiating off the younger’s hand. Yushi’s hand is a bit smaller than his, a fact he likes to think about sometimes. He likes that his hands are bigger, and thinks about what it would feel like to fit their hands together.
This causes an internal conflict between his logic and feelings and finds himself a bit pathetic for overthinking this, but what can he do? He’s just a boy who has a crush on his groupmate, no big deal.
However, his thoughts are put into a halt when he feels the other’s thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hand. Fuck it , Riku thinks and flips his hand over to catch Yushi’s. He feels Yushi flinch and tries to snatch his hand back in surprise, but Riku immediately entangles their fingers together and firmly grips his hand, letting their hands rest on his thigh.
Riku feels Yushi’s gaze burning through the side of his face and wills his eyes to stay closed. After what feels like eternity, he hears Jaehee say something to Yushi and feels his weight lift off the couch, leaving the both of them alone.
“You aren’t asleep,” it’s not a question.
Riku opens his eyes, looking over to the other beside him and shrugs, “Well, I was about to.”
Yushi looks guilty after Riku speaks, and Riku internally smacks himself for speaking at all. The older of the two opens his mouth to assure Yushi that no, it’s not a bother at all– in fact, he’ll do anything for it to happen again– but Yushi beats him to speaking.
“Sorry,” Yushi says, looking back at Riku. There’s that unsure look on his face again that makes Riku’s heart wither. “It’s just– I just...” Yushi bites his bottom lip and Riku’s eyes drift over the bitten flesh for a second, before wills himself to look back up at Yushi’s eyes. Fuck.
Riku shakes his head, squeezing Yushi’s hand gently. “It’s fine, Yushi,” he smiles at the younger, “It just surprised me, that's all. I don’t mind.”
Yushi positively relaxes after hearing his words and nods. Riku doesn’t have the time to dwell on the tension that engulfs them before Sion’s shouting, “Everyone! Get ready!”
Riku stands up on cue, tugging Yushi’s arm up so he can get up to his feet as well, “Let’s go?” Yushi only nods and they make their way back to their members.
Riku does not let go of his hand until they reach backstage.
“So,” Sion starts with a grin on his handsome face. They’re heading towards the convenience store to buy snacks as per the younger members’ request– settling the buyers with a rather intense game of rock, paper, scissors. Evidently, the two oldest members lost.
“I don’t like where this is going,” comes Riku’s response.
Sion lets out a laugh, “I haven’t even said anything yet.” Riku glares at him, sighing heavily and turning to look forward so he doesn’t have to see Sion’s annoyingly adorable puppy eyes. Curse this man and his good looks. “What is it, hyung?”
“You and Yushi,” Sion says. Riku coughs and tries not to let anything show on his face. Oh no.
“What about us?” Riku responds as nonchalantly as possible. He feels a finger jab his side that causes him to glare at the older again, holding his side protectively. Sion just laughs again.
“You guys have been...” Sion trails off, lifting a finger to tap his chin as he thinks of a term, looking like an embodiment of wisdom. “Touch-y feel-y lately.”
Riku coughs again, waving away the worried glance Sion casts on him. “Um. I don’t know what you’re talking about,”
Sion shoots him an exasperated look, “Don’t act dumb, I know what you feel towards him. You literally told me,” he says, rounding the corner with Riku and opening the heavy glass door that greets them and lets Riku in first.
Riku gets two baskets and hands one to Sion, already listing the snacks he’ll get in his mind. “Okay? What about my feelings?” He asks.
Sion looks around to look for possible eavesdroppers before turning back towards him and lowering his voice, “But like– are you guys together now? Why did you not tell me–”
“What.”
“You guys are dating!” Sion all but exclaims, immediately looking around them again as if surprised by his own outburst.
Riku only sighs, “We aren’t,”
“What.”
“We aren’t dating.”
Riku takes Sion’s stunned silence as a cue to leave him behind, quickly entering an aisle to get their respective snacks. Sion follows right after recovering, grabbing snacks as well. But the older isn’t done, apparent in the way he’s looking at Riku like he’s trying to enter his mind and dissect his thoughts one by one.
Sion speaks again, “But why?”
Riku regards him with furrowed brows, “What do you mean?”
Sion frowns, “You guys have been all over each other. Are you sure you’re not together?”
And, well. Sion has a point. Ever since the practice room incident, Yushi has been doing everything to stay in physical contact with Riku while the older indulges him every single time. He lets Yushi backhug him, hold his hand, lean against him– while Riku never questions it. He’ll fear what will happen if he does.
Riku has always thought of Yushi as someone he’ll keep on his side as long as the universe allows him, entirely charmed by the younger’s personality ever since the first time he laid eyes on him. And he wants to keep Yushi at arm’s length, wants to be there for him without a wall separating them. He wants to be the one Yushi comes to whenever he needs comfort without the burden of Riku’s feelings weighing on him. He doesn’t want to ruin their friendship and the thought of them denying each other’s presence because of awkwardness hurts more than he ever expects it to. Riku is scared.
He doesn’t want to be a stranger in Yushi’s life– someone who only exists in his space because they’re in the same group. He doesn’t want to lose the only sure thing he holds close to his heart in a romantic sense– and he knows there’s more choices for him, he can change his mind if he wants to, but that’s the thing. He doesn’t want to. He wants Yushi, in a desperate and unbelievably immeasurable way.
Riku thinks it’s awful– to long for someone within reach. He wonders if anything were to happen, in a both positive or negative way, it’ll be enough to soothe the gnawing want resting deep in the crevices of his chest.
“Riku,” Sion calls to him. Riku blinks and realizes he has just been staring at a pack of spicy ramen clutched in his hand the past minute, mulling over the what ifs. “You should tell him.”
When Riku looks over to Sion, the older’s got a serious look on his face– a rare occurrence as their leader has always been teasing and light with how he treats his members. But Riku knows how much his feelings can weigh over their team dynamics, and he knows Sion knows that. Riku heaves a sigh again, tossing the ramen in his basket that’s for certain someone. “I know, I know. I’ll tell him someday,”
Sion huffs, breaking into a smile and gently bumping Riku’s shoulder with his own as they make their way to the counter to pay for their snacks. “You better.”
Riku tries not to think about confessing too much, believing that the time will feel right when the time comes. He thinks of something grand, like at a restaurant, or intimate, when they stare at the starry night sky while lying on the grass, a centimeter separating them. Or maybe, a rushed confession, when they're both frustrated and not on their right mind–
“Ow!” He exclaims when he feels a pillow hit the back of his head, stumbling a little at the sheer force of it. Riku whips his head around to look for the culprit, locking eyes with a sheepish-looking Sakuya standing behind their couch. “You!” He points at the culprit.
Riku playfully stomps over towards their youngest, watching Sakuya panic and grab the nearest object– or person? What– nearest to him to act as a shield, which turns out to be Yushi, who he’s pretty sure is just passing by and is about to go back to his room. Alas, he’s now held hostage by a giggling maknae behind him who’s gripping his arms and keeping him in front of him.
“Riku? Saku? What’s going on?”
Really, Riku wants to laugh. Yushi looks horribly adorable like this– black hair tousled and sporting an oversized t-shirt and pajama pants with panda prints on it, face scrunched up as he tries to make sense of what’s happening around him. Now, Riku wants to kiss him. How delightful his life is.
Riku crosses his arms in front of him and forms his lips into a pout, and if he thinks he sees Yushi follow the movement with his eyes before looking back up again, he also thinks he might be delusional. “I’m the victim here, why are you protecting him?”
Yushi blinks and turns–well, as much as he can while being held firmly as a shield, anyway–to look over to Sakuya, “Saku? Is that true?”
“No–!”
“Yes! You threw a pillow at me!”
“It was an accident!”
“It hit me directly on the head!”
“Hey, my aim is pretty good–”
Riku and Sakuya’s bickering is interrupted by a fit of giggles coming from between them. Both of them look at Yushi, betrayal taking over their faces.
“How can you laugh, hyung! This is serious!” Sakuya whines, shaking Yushi back and forth with the grip he has on his hyung’s arms. Riku nods firmly in agreement, which makes Yushi giggle more. “You’re supposed to protect me.” The youngest finishes, looking over Yushi’s shoulder to stick his tongue out at Riku, who in return just rolls his eyes, fond.
Yushi hums, focusing on Riku again. Then he surprises him by placing both his hands on Riku’s shoulders, flashing him a smile before saying, “Good job, Riku. Keep bothering Sakuya.”
Yushi laughs when Sakuya whines more, releasing him and huffing at the both of them. “Of course you’ll side with your boyfriend, what did I expect...” Sakuya trails off and sulks within himself, oblivious of the fact that Riku’s world just crashes beneath his feet.
Ah.
Yushi blinks, looking dumbfounded. Riku knows he doesn’t look any better, gaping at their youngest. “Boyfriend?” Yushi asks.
Sakuya nods, “Yes? Riku? Your boyfriend?” He has the audacity to look confused.
“He’s not my–”
“Okay, that’s enough! Saku, let’s get you to bed,” Yushi’s retort is cut off by Ryo who suddenly appears from the doorway, pulling Sakuya along towards the direction of their bedroom with an arm around his shoulder.
“What, it’s only 7pm–”
“Yes, perfect for bedtime.” Ryo responds, flashing a quick glance over his shoulder to a stunned Riku and not-so-subtly winks at him before fully dragging a complaining Sakuya away.
A beat of silence falls between the two before Riku breaks it by letting out a fake, over-the-top yawn. “Would you look at the time! It’s getting late, I’m heading to bed. Goodni–”
“Riku,”
Riku freezes in his tracks and lets out a quiet “Yes?” before bracing himself for impact. For the worst.
“It’s– I–” Yushi falters, before clearing his throat. “Nevermind. Goodnight, hyung.”
Yushi walks away before Riku answers. The older watches his figure and silhouette disappear from his sight, only remembering to function when he hears a familiar door clicking shut. He sighs, going to his own room with a heavy heart.
That night, sleep didn't come easy.
Riku wakes up the next day, sunlight shining brightly through his eyes and directly on his eyes. He stretches his limbs, letting out a satisfied hum after relieving his joints. He sits up and stares into nothingness for about five minutes before throwing his legs over his bed and stands up, heading over to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. Once he’s satisfied, he heads downstairs to where their kitchen is. He takes note that the dorm is surprisingly silent. Usually by the time he wakes up, there’s at least noise coming from their living room– mostly courtesy of Sakuya. When he reaches the first floor however, he’s greeted with complete silence it’s almost deafening.
He heads over to the living room first and finds that it’s devoid of any member. He cranes his neck to look over the adjacent rooms and spaces and still finds no one. Huh.
Did they go somewhere without him? Riku is about to sulk and open their group chat on his phone when he hears a clang! in the kitchen and a pained yelp that comes after. His senses then go haywire, thinking that a burglar managed to break in through their security. With caution and curiosity of a horror movie protagonist, he peeks into the kitchen.
Riku’s eyes widen when he finds not a burglar, thank the heavens above, but instead Yushi, who’s clutching his hand and wincing at a bleeding finger–
Riku acts before he thinks, rushing over to the other and taking his hand in his, immediately guiding it to the sink and placing Yushi’s bleeding finger under the rushing water. He cleans the wound gently and thoroughly for a few minutes, only turning it off once the bleeding ceases and only a gash of red remains. It’s a rather small cut, not even deep, just a wound by mistake. But Riku was terrified .
The older then turns towards Yushi, ready to scold him but his words instantly die in his throat when he sees the look on the other’s face.
Yushi’s eyes are wide, glistening like tears are about to fall any second. His mouth is pressed into a tight line, like a hundred thoughts are going through his pretty head all at once. He also looks a second away from fleeing. His hand is still held by Riku, which the older quickly takes notice of, and lets his hand go at the realization. Yushi’s face falls, causing Riku to panic. “Yushi? Are you okay? What happened?”
Yushi’s eyes are trained on the floor when he says, “Nothing, just got a bit clumsy with the knife.”
Riku frowns and watches the other turn back to his previous task, a carrot halfway cut lying before them. “Where are the others, anyway?” He decides to ask as Yushi picks up the knife again, cutting the carrot with more care. Riku would offer to do it in his stead– he feels bad letting him cut the ingredient again with the still-present wound on his finger. He thinks he might chop off his entire finger when he does it instead, however.
“Out. Something about the newly opened comic bookstore by the block,” Yushi answers, pointedly not looking at him. Riku raises an eyebrow anyway, even if the younger can’t really see his expression.
“Why did you not come with them?” Riku questions, walking towards the fridge to get water and pours himself a glass. Yushi doesn’t answer him immediately, causing Riku to think that maybe the other didn’t hear him–
“I didn’t feel like it.” Yushi responds. Riku shrugs, fair. He’d rather stay home too. He doesn’t think much of it afterwards.
Riku sets the empty glass down the counter and walks over to Yushi, peeking over his shoulder. “What are you cooking?” He asks, watching the younger operate the stove as he brews something up from the ingredients scattered on the counter.
“Kimchi fried rice,” Yushi answers, already occupied with cooking.
They both quiet down after that, leaving Riku to stare at Yushi’s broad back as he cooks. He looks over the expanse of the younger’s figure, stopping to eye his waist. Riku wants to look away but finds it hard to. Riku knows Yushi has a tiny waist because he catches sight of it sometimes– when an action causes the younger’s shirt to ride up, like when the choreography requires just a bit more force and movement. Riku also likes holding and hugging Yushi by the waist because he can wrap his entire arms around his body. It shouldn’t really be a big deal to him right now, but somehow it is. Right now, he just misses the warmth of the other against him.
Throwing all rational thoughts away, Riku gently and smoothly wraps his arms around Yushi’s waist, pressing his front on the other’s back. He feels the other jolt then still against him, and Riku wonders if he’s too forward– too reckless. He swallows the burning sensation resting in his throat and he's about to pull away and apologize– maybe beg for forgiveness– when Yushi leans back against him. The action shocks him, causing him to tighten his arms around the other instinctively.
It feels entirely too comfortable, and Riku briefly wonders if this is what it feels like to hold the world in your arms. They stay in that position until Yushi eventually turns off the stove and turns around in his hold.
“Hi,” Yushi says, placing his hands on Riku’s biceps.
Riku chuckles and brings the other closer, “Hi.”
Maybe it’s a trick of light, but the pink coloring Yushi’s cheeks momentarily distracts him. Riku thinks he’s beautiful like this, caged in his arms and looking like a dream. “I think they’ll be back soon, can you set up the table?” Yushi says.
Riku nods and releases him, trying not to feel too disappointed at being separated from the other.
The other members arrive a bit later, and if one of them catches the look Riku and Yushi share across the dining table, well– it’s no one’s business but their own.
That night, sleep didn't come easy again. Instead, Riku is left craving for more. Pathetic, he mused to himself.
(Riku tells Sion everything that happened yesterday and the day before that, from the Sakuya calling Yushi his boyfriend incident to whatever the fuck happened yesterday. Their leader listens attentively throughout, face unreadable all the while. When Riku finishes speaking, he allows himself to fall back on the other’s bed, staring at the ceiling. He hears Sion sigh from where he’s sitting on his desk chair.
“Riku, I think you know I’m going to say this, but you should talk to him.”
Said boy groans, wiggling his limbs around just to ease the tension building up his body. “Why is this so hard,” he states, defeated.
“You’re making it hard,” comes Sion’s answer.
Riku huffs, hugging one of Sion’s plushies to his chest. It’s one that resembles a giant orange cat– one that he remembers Yushi getting Sion as a “just because” gift. He clutches it tighter, willing himself not to imagine hugging Yushi instead. What a joke.
“Do you think...” Riku trails off when he feels the familiar burn of want in his throat again– one that built up over time by the yearning that persists. “I have a chance?”
Sion only hums, “That’s for you to find out, isn’t it?”
Riku gnaws on his bottom lip, different emotions surging through him as he imagines various scenarios and different ways of rejection that he might possibly go through.
“Though, if it’s any consolation,” he hears Sion speak again, “I don’t think you’ll have a hard time.”
“Stop giving me false hopes, hyung.” Riku whines.
“When have I ever given you false hopes?” Sion asks and laughs when Riku’s neck cranes up to shoot him an unimpressed look.
“Whatever.”)
They come home from a fulfilling but tiring schedule, everyone immediately wandering off to clean up and do their own thing once the door opens up. When everyone is done washing up, they gather in the living room and settle on their spots, booting up a movie they agreed on a week ago. Riku ends up squished between Yushi and Ryo on the couch, a bowl of popcorn balanced on his lap. Everyone quiets down when the movie starts.
The movie is a classic horror– one RIku never bothered to learn the title of– with suspenseful music and too many jumpscares. Sakuya complains in the middle of it, deeming the characters too dumb while Ryo shushes him. Sion immediately placates both their youngest members before they delve into endless rounds of bickering.
However, at a particular jumpscare, one that has no business being so horrifying, they all but shout in sync. The movie has been predictable until that very moment, so Riku has to clutch his chest in order to calm the almost painful race of his heart.
“What the heck was that!” Sakuya exclaims, head poking out from where he hid his face behind a throw pillow. The others groan in agreement before turning their attention back to the movie.
Riku, having recovered from the scare, only then notices the hand clutching his own like a lifeline. He looks over to Yushi, whose face doesn’t give anything away. Riku thinks he didn’t even hear him shout at the jumpscares. When the younger doesn’t acknowledge him, either he chooses not to or the movie is just that interesting to him, Riku lets him be. He just turns over his palm and wordlessly squeezes the younger’s hand.
The ending credits finally roll, and Sakuya continues his complaints as they all stand up and clean after themselves.
“Really, that character could’ve been alive if he just listened to me,” Sakuya says and turns the television off.
“Yes, I’m sure he’ll live because of you.” Jaehee responds, messing Sakuya’s hair and causing the youngest to pout.
Riku tunes them out as they continue to argue amongst themselves about the characters’ actions and the movie’s overall plot, swiftly washing the bowls and glasses they used and putting them back on the racks. In all honesty, ever since he and Yushi held hands in the middle of the movie, Riku was gone . All he could focus on was the comforting weight of Yushi’s hands on his and the rapid beating of his own heart. So if someone asked Riku how the movie ended, he would have no idea what to tell them.
The chatty air disperses, and everyone heads back to their own rooms, mumbling sleepy goodnights to each other. Riku is about to set himself back to his room when he’s suddenly stopped by a hand gripping his sleeve.
“Riku,” Yushi says, looking more nervous than ever. The sight makes Riku nervous too, conscious of how his hands start to sweat.
“Can we talk?” Yushi continues and looks at him with a hopeful glint in his eyes. And Riku is nothing but a weak, weak man in the presence of the object of his very affections, who could never deny him of anything.
Riku can only nod, following the younger towards his bedroom. Only when the door closes behind them then Riku is hit by the realization of being alone in a closed space with the love of his life. The air feels heavy with steady tension and Riku finds it hard to breathe, not when dozens of unspoken words lie between them.
Yushi faces him and they stare at each other. Riku is starting to be familiar with the endless pools in the other’s eyes with how much staring they have done lately. But that doesn't really deter him one bit– he wants it more to happen, even. When Yushi looks at him, warmth blooms in his chest. He likes it when Yushi looks at him.
“So,” Riku starts when the younger man looks like he wants him to start speaking instead, “What is it that you want to talk about?”
Yushi visibly tenses and looks somewhere behind his shoulder instead, avoiding his eyes. “Um,” he mumbles. He takes a deep breath before facing Riku again, eyes now hardened with newfound determination.
“I think we should stop,”
The world around Riku comes to a halt as he processes the other’s words. “Stop?” He repeats, his heart sinking.
Yushi nods solemnly, “Yes– it’s... I don't know, hyung.” He finishes off lamely, looking helpless as he tries to make sense of their situation. Riku doesn't really blame him, because he's confused too.
“But you–” Riku feels the need to retort but cuts himself off, feeling frustrated with himself as he almost blames the younger. He clenches his fists to possibly dismantle the hurt that spreads throughout his body.
Yushi lets out a frustrated sigh himself, “I know– I know I’m the one who reached out to you, I’m the one who started this all. At the practice room,” he looks at Riku like he's trying to discern his reaction.
Riku remembers that day, of course he does. It’s not like he willed himself to forget– not when every moment he shared with Yushi is burned at the back of his mind and threatens to replay everytime he does so much as closes his eyes.
Yushi continues, “It’s– you know, everytime I look at you, or think about you, there’s like this deep itch underneath my skin that I can't get rid off unless I physically have to feel you. That’s what I was trying to do, that maybe being close to you would somehow cure me of anything I thought was wrong with me,” he pauses to breathe.
“But it gets worse,” Yushi says, voice nothing more than a whisper and sounding wobblier, “The feeling– it’s– it doesn't go away. Instead, it gets worse. And it's... I don't really know where to go from there.” He ends with a broken sob, but he doesn't cry. Just looks down on the floor and burn holes into it. Riku feels his heart break.
After a moment, Riku speaks, “If you want to stop, we can, but please hear me out first,” and waits for the other to nod. “Can you look at me, please?”
When Yushi stays stubbornly staring at the floor, Riku reaches out a hand to gently nudge his chin upwards so he can properly look at him again. “There we go,” Riku says softly and frowns when he sees his eyes brimming with unshed tears.
Riku lets go of his chin and takes a deep breath, “Yushi, I love you,” he says with all the sincerity he holds.
As soon as he says it, the weight that's settled deep in his heart disappears. He knows one thing– he’s never been sure of anything more in his life.
Yushi’s eyes widen, mouth slightly agape at the older’s confession. Riku doesn't know what to make of the other’s expression, so he just plows on and continues to serve his heart for the other on a silver platter.
“I grew fond of you. Even before the days we were called to be destined in the same group together, my heart was already yours. When we were still younger and unsure of the future,”
“When we first met, you were more aloof. I was actually kind of scared of talking to you,” Riku chuckles to himself, recalling fond memories. “However, you were also passionate, determined. You inspired me so much, you know. I thought to myself at that time that I would do anything to stand next to you on a debut stage, and I still do. I won't have it any other way. I won’t have you any other way,”
“Then we debuted and you’re– you’re you. I was so happy when you finally opened up to us, to me. Because I got to see more of who you are, and I selfishly want to see even more. I want to get to know all your sides and I want to be there for you. I want to stay by your side for as long as you’ll let me.”
Silence engulfs them when Riku finishes speaking. They stare at each other again but the older can’t take it, not when he has just laid his feelings bare to the other. So he looks down, hiding himself from the sheer rawness of it all. From Yushi’s gaze, and what could he possibly be thinking right now. Riku thinks this is it, I’ve done it, I’m about to get my heart broken for the first time–
A weight settles over his front, and it takes Riku a moment to realize that Yushi is hugging him. Firm arms wrap around his middle, and it almost sends Riku into shambles if not for the damp feeling he feels on his shoulder.
Yushi is crying. “Yushi–”
“Idiot,” Yushi cuts him off, voice trying to sound stern but the effect is evidently softened by Riku’s shoulder. “When were you planning to tell me? Seriously, you're an idiot.”
Riku is rendered speechless by the turn of events, hesitantly bringing a hand up to the other’s hair to soothe his cries. “Honestly, I don't know. I was planning to, but I couldn't find the right time. And I was scared you're going to push me away.” He says.
Yushi pulls back so he can look at the older, and Riku can't help but wipe the tear streaks away with his thumb. Yushi regards him with a look, before catching Riku’s wrist and letting his hand stay on his cheek. He leans against it, smiling when Riku’s eyes widen at the action.
“I thought I was forcing you, so I wanted to call it off. You always let me be, and I thought I was taking advantage of your kindness or whatever, and I felt bad about it. But I can't help but be selfish whenever you reciprocate,”
“What I’m trying to say is, Maeda Riku, I love you too. Since the first time I heard you calling my name, I knew it'd be something I'd want to hear for the rest of my life.” Yushi says. “I craved your touch because it made me feel good, because it's from you, and I only indulged in it in the practice room. I thought– when I somehow indulge in it, I’ll get used to it, and I won't have to deal with the aftermath of having feelings for you. But, as I said, it got worse– both my feelings and desires.”
Riku feels like he just ascended to heaven and back, happiness surging through him until it tingles on the tips of his fingers.
“Yushi, can I kiss you?”
The other lets out a soft breath, “Please.”
Riku gently cups Yushi’s face in his hands, bringing them closer together. They share one more look before they meet halfway, eyes falling shut and lips gently slotting together.
No fireworks, no grand anything. Just Riku, the boy of his dreams, and the moon.
They pull away after a short while, leaving a bit of space between them. As much as Riku wants to take more, he doesn't want to break the vulnerable atmosphere that has settled among them. So he just lets his arms fall down, hands grasping the younger’s waist instead.
“What are we?” Riku asks and they both chuckle.
“Whatever you want us to be,” Yushi answers, mirth dancing in his eyes. Riku hums in response, drumming his fingers on Yushi’s waist and pondering about it.
“Well, Sakuya already called us boyfriends...”
Yushi laughs at the memory, letting his body slump against Riku, who catches him instantly and pulls him into an embrace. “Okay, boyfriend.”
(“You know, I was going to avoid you at that time. After Sakuya called us boyfriends,” Yushi admits, shushing the other when Riku lets out an offended noise. They're now cuddling on the younger’s bed, body slotting perfectly together like puzzle pieces.
“But then I cut my finger, and you're suddenly knight in shining armor. I fell in love all over again, I think.”
Riku laughs, nuzzling the other’s neck and burrowing his face deeper. “How assuring,”
“What is?”
“That I'm not the only pathetic one in this relationship.” Riku laughs again when he feels Yushi hit his shoulder lightly.
“Whatever, hyung. Goodnight,”
“Goodnight, I love you.”
Silence.
“Say it back.” Riku whines.
Yushi giggles, cuddling closer to his boyfriend. “I love you too.”)
Sion promptly cheers when he sees them descending from the stairs, hands locked together. “Finally!”
The pair both roll their eyes at their leader, taking seats across Sion at the dining table.
“You're being dramatic, hyung,” Yushi grumbles.
Sion snickers at him, “How am I the dramatic one when every night you come to me and go hyung, Riku is so cool, hyung, I think Riku is messing with me, hyu –”
“Okay! I get it.” Yushi cuts their leader off, an embarrassed blush taking over his cheeks. Riku would coo at his boyfriend because seriously, how can he be so cute? if not for the situation catching up to him.
“Wha– you knew!” Riku points at Sion with an accusing finger.
Sion only raises his brows at his reaction, “I told you you won't have a hard time, but you started whining about false hopes.”
Riku slumps back on his seat, admitting defeat. Yushi giggles at his misery, causing him to shoot the younger man a playful glare before leaning in and placing a kiss on his cheek. The blush that blossoms after is a sight Riku truly will never get tired of.
Sion only watches them with a fond smile before shaking his head. “I’m waking the others up for breakfast, don't let us catch you doing unspeakable things.” He teases, laughing at the couple’s flustered outburst to what he said before disappearing to the second floor.
Riku takes Yushi’s hand in his and brings it up to his mouth, placing a kiss on the back of his hand.
“How cheesy,” Yushi teases despite the big smile on his face.
Riku grins at him, “You like me being cheesy.”
“Unfortunately.”
The both of them share a smile, warmth spreading through them. In that moment, everything feels right.
And in their time, forever feels like an unreachable word, but Riku finds that he doesn't mind chasing after it– doesn't mind that he'll chase after Yushi again if time favors them and grants them another lifetime together.
Forever can only exist if he's with Yushi, after all.