Chapter Text
‘Twas the eve after The Day of The White Forks, colloquially known as the Eve of Rusty Spoons (1), and the golden sunset was bathing the already bathed in gold city in even more gold, but a slightly orange-ish gold compared to the Erdtree’s vibrant yellow. Malenia, after the horrid argument she had with her mother, Queen Marika the Eternal, as well as her fellow demigods, stood in a dark alley, crossing her arms and brooding. She was kicking rocks and squashing bugs for fun, as edgy teens do. Her solitude, however, was short-lived, as from the corner, a bright golden-white light made its way into the dark alley. It was… The Bright Golden Light of Miquella The Kind, colloquially known as Kind Miquella?!
“Malenia! Oh, there you are!” Miquella ran up to her, resting his hands on her arm. “Oh, what are you doing here in this dark, sad, and moody alleyway?! I’ve been looking all over for you!”
Malenia sighed. “What do you think, brother? I’m being sad, dark, and moody.” She turned her head to the side like an anime person being bashful. “After today’s shitshow, I want to leave the city more than ever and build that magic treehouse we’ve been talking about!”
“Oh… I know, but it’s okay! Look! Everyone’s feeling a bit better now! Mother went to bed, the Omen Twins are back in the sewer so Mohg won’t bother us anymore-”
“It’s not about Mohg, Miquella…” Malenia sighed, again. “It’s about mother! She’s just… So mean! What a shame that that Morgott fellow had to be locked in there with that… That heathen, though. He looked like he really wanted to stay out here. Seemed like a nice guy. But who would want to be stuck out in this… This gilded prison!?”
“Even worse, they threw spoons at him!” Miquella cried out. “They had open wounds from Mother’s beating! What if he got tetanus?! That would be just horrible!”
Malenia shook her head. “Well, nothing can be done now. Except for us to get out of this city and build the magic treehouse of equality and inclusion…”
“Ahh yes… The Haligtree.” Miquella looked down. “But nothing can be done about it as long as the Golden Order remains in power!” He looked up and smiled. “It would take a drastic, world-shattering event to make that happen! So let’s just make the best of it~!” Miquella clasped his hands together and nodded, akin to a certain spirit channeler from famed series Ace Attorney (2), Maya Fey, the Acolyte and Spirit Channeler!
“As if…” Malenia scoffed. “I just want to go home and brood in my comfy bed.”
“Erm…” Miquella looked around sheepishly. “Actually…” He started to poke his two fingers together. “Well, I had an idea that, maybe… Instead of just going home, we could invite the other Demigods, you know, Radahn and the other two to a sleepover!”
“You… You what? Why?”
“Well, I just want, um… Everyone to get along, and… Um…” a pink-purple blush started to spread across Miquella’s cheeks. It looked as if he was holding onto something behind his back.
“What’s that you’re holding there?” Malenia peered over his shoulders.
“Oh, this? I-It’s nothing, just a little… Um, never mind.”
“Come on, spill it.”
“No! It’s n-nothing, forget it, let’s just go to the bar, are you in for the sleepov-” All of a sudden, Malenia quickstepped behind Miquella, grabbing the tiny purple book out of his hands. “Hey! Come on, sis, that’s not very soporific or kind of you!”
“Well, they don’t call me Kind Malenia, now do they?” (Queen!) Malenia taunted, sticking her tongue out. After all, she was still his (slightly) older sister, being born one minute before Miquella was. Nonetheless, she looked at the front of it. It had a heart shaped lock, and said “DIARY” on the top. “Ohoho, what have we here?”
Miquella began to then use the most fearsome demigod incantation of all time: Sad Eyes At Sister (99 Faith). He made such a sad pitiful face at her, but luckily, she was immune to his charms. That, and she was busy already looking at the pages, because Miquella, the dumb little boy he was, forgot to lock it. And even worse for him, Malenia’s reading skills were as fast as her fancy footwork in the heat of battle.
“Oh… Oh. Hmm.” Malenia said with a slightly concerned look on her face. “I see now. Huh…”
“Oh please oh please oh please don’t tell anyoooooonnnneeee! Especially him! ” Miquella jumped up and down in fear and panic. “Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh pl-”
Malenia put her hand on Miquella’s head and ruffled his beautiful golden hair a bit. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell. Besides, as the one colloquially known as the Blade of Miquella, I’m obligated to support you in basically any ambition that you have. So… You know what? Besides it’s not that weird - I’ve seen men fuck dogs in these streets. Fuck it! You have my support, little bro.” Malenia smiled. Miquella then gave her a big hug, as his frown turned upside down, smiling so bigly that his teeth emitted light from being oh-so perfect and oh-so clean.
“Thank you, dearest sister! My blade!” Miquella let go of her and started to do a little happy dance.
“Now… As much as I don’t want to spend time with those three ugly, stinky, smelly, gross and stupid men, shall we go to the bar? I will accompany you as I always have.” Malenia held out an arm.
Miquella’s eyes beamed in joy. “Would I?! I thought you’d never ask…” Miquella linked his arms with hers, and with his free hand, he pointed ahead toward the exit of the alley. “Ikuzo~!”
The Twin Prodigies made their way to the
Bar Bathed in Gold,
a high-class establishment where all the royalty and aristocrats in the city would go to enjoy a fine brew. “If they went to any bar, it’d be this one.” Malenia said, pointing at it. “It’s my usual spot, anyways…”
“You underage drink, dear sister!?” Miquella asked in shock, holding his hand in front of his shocked open-mouthed mouth.
“Uh, no, I didn’t say that. Let’s go inside.” Malenia quickly brushed him off, not thinking about the profound implications of Miquella realizing she did something that, to be quite frank, in this society, was well within her right to do. As the two made their way to the double-doors at the entrance of the bar, each sibling opened one of the two doors (Malenia had to help Miquella open his, don’t tell him that), and, to Miquella, it felt as if he was entering a new world.
The bar was filled with laughter, merriment and life, as the dark, wooden walls felt almost aglow from the light of the many candles abound. A silly little ditty was playing on a piano in the corner, by famed pianist Bobo the Demi-Human, enslaved to play the tunes at the whims of aristocrats everywhere. But oh did he play a tune, and did he love it ever so.
Miquella gasped. “Oh, this is so soporific! What a beautiful place, I’ve never been to a bar before!” All of a sudden, everything went silent, as every patron in the bar turned towards the prodigal twins. This was mostly because Miquella emanated a bright light from his body constantly, but also…
“Is that a kid? In our bar?!” Wenchula the Bar-Wench cried out.
“No… No, that ain’t any kid!” Belchum the Barhop pointed.
“It’s… It’s Miquella the Kind!” the patrons all yelled out in unison. Everyone began to cheer and give words of love and adoration for him.
“Hey, Miquella’s here!” Someone shouted out, giving Miquella a pat on the shoulder.
“Hi Miquella!!! Kind Miquella!” A very drunk maiden shouted out.
“Sign my forehead, please!!” A third patron yelled.
“(chimp noises)” Bobo the Demi-Human screeched from the corner as he resumed his tune.
“Oh, you’re too kind, no
you’re
too kind!” Miquella blushed, waving and giving finger-guns. “This is so soporific, sister! I want to go to bars every day!”
“Me too, brother… Me too.” Malenia sighed.
The two siblings, making their way through the crowd of adoring fans, made their way to the bar counter where the famed bartender only known to the rich and famous as “Shlep” was polishing a glass. Miquella, being the little shorty shrimp he was, merely peered over the counter, his two hands and head peeking over the edge. “Um, excuse me… U-Um, is-”
“Hey, Shlep, did Radahn and the other demigods show up here at all?” Malenia rested her arm onto the counter.
Shlep looked up at Malenia. “Oh, hey Malenia, didn’t realize it was you. You want the usual?”
“Not tonight…” She pointed at Miquella. “He’s…
Sheltered,
it’s better off he doesn’t know.” Malenia whispered over to Shlep.
“Oh, well, anyways, yeah they’re over in the back! The old Royal Room! My reserved haven for private drinking and such!” Shlep pointed over to two red curtains lined with gold, a big sign saying “RESERVED'' above it, carved in bark from the Erdtree itself.
“Thanks, Shlep.” Malenia tossed a Golden Rune [3] at him. He caught it, pocketed it, and gave Malenia the finger-guns and a toothy grin. Everyone loved Shlep.
As Miquella and Malenia went into the private room, the light of Miquella shone into the very dimly-lit and smoky private chamber. There sat the three demigods (and Tanith), willful drinkers all. Godrick, noticing Malenia quickly- But clumsily hid underneath the table, knocking down some glasses and cards in the process. Rykard and Tanith were busy taking puffs of a gigantic hookah that was imported from Ranah, Tanith’s homeland. And Radahn sat firmly in the middle, two topless women beside him in each arm. In his right hand, he held a gigantic gilded mug full of the finest ale in all the Lands Between. In his left, well, you guessed it, or should we say, you
breast
it- It was a boob! His helmet was off, red locks of hair flowing down his shoulders and back, as he wore a silken robe that showed off his rockin’ tits. “Oh, hey guys!” Radahn smiled bigly. “What’re you doing here?!”
Miquella nearly fainted at the sight of this. This was one of the most glorious sights he had ever seen. “Gosh, I wish that was me…” He muttered to himself in pure bliss.
“You what?” Malenia looked over at Miquella, who was practically drooling. He didn’t respond for a minute.
“Oh, nothing…” Miquella did a little fancy spin. He was just that giddy.
Godrick stuck out his head from the table. “H-Hey! You two are too young to be here! Scram! Scramoose!” he hit his head on the underside of the table as he tried to squirm out from it.
Malenia shook her head. “There’s no drinking laws in Leyndell, idiot! I can do what I want!” Miquella, fortunately, didn’t hear this, he was too smitten.
“DON’T HURT ME!” Godrick cowered in fear at Malenia. “I’m going fetal, I’m going fetal…” He pathetically curled up into a ball. Everyone laughed at him.
“I’m not here to hurt you, you fiend!” Malenia scoffed at him. “I’m… Well, here. Miquella, don’t you have something you want to ask everyone?”
Miquella suddenly snapped out of his trance. “O-Oh, um… Um….” Unfortunately, wonderful products such as Xanax or Zoloft didn’t exist yet, so Miquella couldn’t take anything to quell his anxiety toward the one person he wanted oh-so-desperately to know better- Radahn. “U-Um… I-I…” He closed his eyes, bunched up his fists, and yelled out; “WILL YOU ALL COME TO MY SLEEPOVER!?”
Everyone went dead silent. They glanced at each other. “Yeah sure.” They all said to each other back and forth.
“Weeee were going back to the palaaaaccceeee anywayssss…” Rykard said, coughing from his big fat cloud he just ripped.
“Yeah, I’m here all week.” Radahn shrugged.
“I live here!” Godrick gave a thumbs up. Nobody cared to acknowledge this. Miquella, however, was absolutely overjoyed that his half-siblings, or whatever the hell Godrick was in his case, were all willing to go to his sleepover.
“Oh, this is just so soporific!!!” Miquella yelled out, jumping up and down.
“See? That wasn’t so hard.” Malenia smiled at her brother.
“Yes! Oh yes! Oh there’s so much to do, I must ready myself! Malenia, my dear sister, will you give me a piggyback ride back home so we can set up snacks and beverages aplenty for our honored guests?!”
Malenia shook her head, chuckling. “Oh, you do love your piggybacks. Alright.” Miquella hopped right on, holding his hands around her shoulders as he looked back at the other demigods.
“Be there in two hours, no later than that, okay?!” Miquella smiled brightly.
“Yeah, sure, alright.” Everyone responded back to Miquella, not in unison however. It was more of a general mumbling of agreement, if you will.
“Okay! Yes! Tonight will be the most soporific night ever!” Miquella pointed towards the exit. “Malenia, my dear sister, my blade, run like the wind back home!” And off they went.
As the two ran through the streets back towards home, Miquella was silent.
“Perhaps… Perhaps this will be my chance…!”
(1) See: The Elden Feast
(2) Ace Attorney fans, check out The Endless Turnabout. It's literally the best and most epic story ever.