Work Text:
He can’t let himself do it. He’s already eaten enough. Jeongin is laying in his bed. He can’t recall anything he did today other than scrolling through the countless videos and pictures of food on his phone. His mind is filled with thoughts of different meals and what it would be like to eat them. If he eats, he’ll feel guilty about it for the rest of the night. If he doesn’t, he’ll remain starved and continue to obsess over food. There’s no winning.
He finally comes to a conclusion. “I can’t do this anymore,” He whispers quietly before lifting himself up. He convinces himself he will just eat a little. There’s no harm in that, right? Hopefully his roommates don’t hear him getting a quick snack. That’s all it is: a quick snack. That should stop him from thinking about food for a while.
He knew exactly what he’d eat before even getting up. There’s frozen biscuits in the freezer. All he has to do is heat one up, but that makes so much noise. He hates when people know that he’s eating. It’s embarrassing. This doesn’t stop him though. The sound of the microwave shouldn’t even wake them out of their sleep. He just has to take a few minutes to prepare the food and he’ll finally be able to eat. He presses the buttons slowly and the sound is ten times louder to him than anyone else. It sounds like failure. It’s a reminder of how weak he is.
Beep. Beep. It’s done. He hurries to stop the microwave from beeping any longer. He can already smell it. He almost feels euphoric. He’ll finally be able to eat again. Eating is so foreign to him. Fasting every day and counting calories is torture, but it’s his addiction. There’s no stopping.
The first bite is the best part. It feels as if he has no disorder for a moment. This is what he’s been fantasizing about all day. Food isn’t his enemy. Food is great! Wait, it’s already gone? He ate it all. That was quick. Emptiness hits him again. Jeongin looks down at the empty plate in front of him. Maybe just one more thing? It won’t hurt. He’s in control right now. He will stop eating soon.
He goes back to the fridge. He sees his favorite yogurt sitting in there. That’s what he’ll eat. Yogurt is healthy and it should definitely fill him up. He’ll surely go back to his room after this. The spoonfuls of yogurt are satisfying until the contents start to get smaller. The more he eats, the more he loses his sense of taste and his mind seems to be going blank. This isn’t hunger. It’s something else.
Jeongin throws the empty bowl away and begins to pace around the kitchen, searching for more food. Anything will be fine at this point. In the cupboard, there’s food he's never cared for. It looks far from appetizing. That won't stop him though.
First, he eats crackers; plain crackers with nothing on them. It doesn’t matter to him. He needs food. That’s the only thing he can think of. Then, he eats a random bag of chips. He doesn’t even like chips, but he doesn’t care right now. Cookies, bread slices, and pretzels are all devoured within minutes. With the little bit of consciousness he has left, he decides the cupboard has absolutely nothing left to offer, but he’s not done. There has to be something else.
Jeongin walks over to the trash can. Without a second thought, he reaches his hand down into it. Someone didn't finish their takeout earlier. The box is secured enough. The food inside shouldn’t have come in contact with anything. Would he care otherwise? Probably not considering the state he’s in right now. It’s cold and yet again, tasteless. That doesn’t stop him from eating whatever is left.
He’s lucky nobody catches him. This is one of his most pathetic and disgusting moments. Eventually, he finishes the leftovers. His mind begins to work properly again. What has he done? He looks down at all his remaining trash and crumbs. He’s shocked and quite revolted. When did it get this bad? He has to get rid of all the evidence. Pain shoots through his body as he tries to move. He’s extremely bloated. That won’t stop him though. Nobody can know about this. How could he do this to himself?
Everything is thrown in the trash; the trash he’s literally eaten out of. He’ll never forget. The bloating is becoming too much for him. He rushes to his room and tells himself he will never let himself come out. The guilt begins to eat him alive. His mind is his worst enemy. Jeongin will never forgive himself. He begins to cry. He would scream if it wasn't for everyone being home. This isn’t normal. He isn’t normal. Why can’t he eat the way everyone else eats? He either starves or he eats until he feels like he’ll explode. Usually, people would say to distract yourself from your thoughts when something is bothering you, but there’s no distraction from this. His mind is screaming at him. He tells himself he will never eat again.
That’s what he said last time as well.