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Five Pebbles was jealous, so very jealous.
He had friends, a loving sister, a mentor, a mocking troll who called themself his friend (he could argue the contrary quite easily), a younger iterator that looked up to him no doubt, but it was not enough. It made him sick with envy, he wanted something he couldn’t quite identify. He’s sure he would have binged and purged had he been created with a mouth or a real digestive system, but the most he could do was punish himself with slag runoff and purposefully not taking in ground water- it hurt, not the way that mortal creatures did, but it meant something. It wasn’t the first vice, it wasn’t the fourth, it was something entirely different and he craved it deeply. The ancients would have argued it to be holy of him, that he should be proud- but pain in itself felt like an addiction tying him to the cycle. Why would they say this was freeing? Why would they say this was divine? Like he was just another thing to project onto for them. To ingrain their lives in and abandon, to tell him everything they did and craved and denied themselves then refused to give him a taste of.
He wanted to tear apart his puppet, carve into it with shrapnel torn from the walls which were also himself, self destruct and isolate, live on nothing but self hatred and desire to break free. He would never get that satisfaction- maybe he would, but Sliver of Straw had left behind no research.
First vice, third vice, fourth vice, fifth.
The fifth is what the ancients gave the iterators no choice but to bend to, these so-called sins that were so deep inside his tissues and metal, in the smallest fragments of neurons and grey matter, all of it was hand made to calculate for other creatures that would never understand. The ancients only wanted to avoid their own sins- to not be at fault when they end up an echo in a ripple upon a ripple of time that only existed between each passing perception. But when they all left behind anything material, anything they cared for, tore away their desires and left them for the iterators to shuffle through. Sure, they craved to know, to catalog, to record, but that was only because there was no other option. He had drowned in every sin since their disappearance, other than the second.
It was everywhere- true, iterators could love, could feel deeply arguably more deeply than any other living creature on the planet with how much processing power they held. But he could never tell what was just mindless lust or genuine desire for another. it made him so, so frustrated- he could not possibly dig his hands into that subject, no, not even on the anonymous message boards. Though.. it would not hurt to check, no? These iterators with entire channels named after their relationships- their tags separated by a <3- he wanted to know exactly what that meant, really.
Scrolling through the boards masking his identity, not yet even sending anything made him feel filthy. Now knee deep in these things he could tell, at least here what was simply the second vice and which was love. Just looking at these images loading in, at these messages between masked figures just like him- it made his puppet heat up, antennae twitch, grip his cloak with one hand and close the tab feeling beyond called out and flustered. Covering his face with one hand and feeling just how much warmer his face was alone made him aware of the not-so-unfamiliar feeling that these things so clearly spelled out for him.
[Two New Mentions]
Private Message - Seven Red Suns:
SRS: Weather is nice, NSH is as jovial as ever, keeps spamming me with random images and links to message boards where he’s harassing random strangers. Currently doing some research on something but I wouldn’t mind having someone to talk to while i do that. Would you like to talk?
Private Message - Big Sis Moon:
BSM: Hey Pebbles!! Just checking on you since you haven’t been active anywhere despite the nice weather. What are you up to? As always, no pressure to respond!~
Fuck. Not again.
Then the intrusive ideas, hypotheticals stating that perhaps the strong draw he feels to his mentor and long time friend could be what he was looking for on those anonymous pages flood his thoughts. It makes him feel hatred- not to Suns, but to himself for not seeing that it was a possibility until now. A few message pearls, usually discarded by most iterators as they could save the data internally sat on the floor of his chamber. Keepsakes embodying what he wanted- something physical with Suns. Nothing explicit, just a touch on the hand or to simply feel the way gravity would shift in his chamber if another were there with him. These subconscious wants, needs of affection- something, anything to make him feel not alone. A message was not enough.
His sister made him feel wanted, safe. But not in the way that Suns did. Suns gave him hope, wants and needs for something he didn’t understand at all. A hope for the future, to see tomorrow once the rain clears and be happy to know the communication arrays were up and running. To want to run to them with his wildest theories and findings in his studies, to gain their approval and hear their insights, to worship their words as gospel. He wanted to video call them and drown in their voice, to close his eyes and turn off visual processes with his gravity off, leaning against the wall.
Now painfully aware of his situation he held back the urge to let out a cry so loud it would shake his whole structure- it would mean nothing given no tears would come of it. He would only be yelling at himself, which he already does enough of. Getting multiple more pings from Suns, he opened the chat and held his head in his hands wanting nothing more than for his facilities to cease function immediately. Peaking out from between his fingers he could see Suns start to ramble about something Chasing Wind had mentioned in another local group message, clearly completely intrigued by the subject matter and unaware of the torment that Pebbles was currently putting himself through.
SRS: Anyway, it was the most interesting thing I’ve heard in cycles! Modifying a creature with that function in mind is something I would have never thought of on my own. Beings subsisting and made of nothing but sulfur, absolutely incredible!
How was he supposed to bring up a subject like the second vice while they were talking about studies? He felt lightheaded the harder he thought of something to say.
FP: I do not wish to interrupt your ramblings, they are quite enjoyable however I am caught up in a loop of my own thoughts right now that I cannot quite process by myself.
SRS: Oh, I’m sorry I can see why you weren’t responding now.
SRS: What type of thoughts?
FP: The vices.
Pebbles was toying with his robe now, rubbing the fabric between his fingers to try to distract from how absolutely humiliating this conversation was going to be.
SRS: Ah, which ones? Violence? Lust? Materialism? I doubt gluttony but anything is possible- what’s on your mind?
FP: It’s hard to explain, something linked to the vices but not quite. Right on the edge of what is acceptable and what is condemned.
FP: I’d like advice on it but to explain my situation would be beyond embarrassing and I could absolutely not handle that right now.
SRS: I see, is it related to yourself or an outward influence?
FP: An outward influence, but it makes me feel quite awful about myself and what I thought I knew.
SRS: Is it destructive in any way?
FP: It could be, but right now I only desire to inflict destruction upon myself- not that it’s directly related to the first vice, I will clarify.
Each passing minute was agony, how he wished to type a confession of the truth that what he desires is them, them alone.
SRS: I understand that, I’m sure most of us do. We’ve all had those kind of thoughts, especially since the mass ascension.
FP: I desire something so deeply that until recently I believed I was immune to, it’s hard to think about it, or speaking with another I know like you about it.
SRS: I know that feeling well! I thought gluttony was simply hunger but as it turns out it’s all kinds of overindulgence. Mental hunger is all it needs to take hold.
Trembling on the floor of his chamber, Five Pebbles was an absolute wreck. Repeatedly digging fingers into his skin and running them down to stimulate any kind of pain- anything to escape this. His last message was enough to leave him melting down. The desire to pull shrapnel from his walls was stronger than ever now. Anyone other than Suns, they didn’t mind but he did. He did so, so much, it tore him apart from his very core. They were his cure, he knew it- for when they spoke to him and he was truly there he loved them so much he couldn’t even feel the self-hatred gnaw at his heart- rarefraction cell, whatever. Now, he was twitching and grabbing at his skin in what could only be described as an emotional breakdown. One hand gripped his antenna, the urge to rip it off was strong. Too strong, he tugged on it until he felt resistance, the wires underneath cracking and the jointed base being strained far more than was healthy. Before making permanent damage to his puppet, however, he glanced up at the messages that Suns had sent since the last one he had seen.
SRS: It’s a normal thing, we were told so many lies to shame ourselves into silence, many of the taboos are simply mental blocks on our own nature.
SRS: Pebbles?
SRS: Please don’t say you’re going to attempt to destroy yourself again, that’s the last thing we need.
SRS: Respond, I plead- I’m worried for you.
That’s the last thing we need. Not once had he considered that damaging himself was also something that was linked to another’s pain. Not once had he thought of him and Suns as a collective- he practically worshiped them, would bend to their will if they imposed any amount of demand. In no world would he have ever considered them as an equal, he sat below them in both knowledge and experience, he wanted them to hold him dearly- not thinking of vice versa. Perhaps it was not hopeless, this urge tearing from his neurons right to his direct conscience.
FP: I apologise for the lack of response, I am not in the right headspace right now.
SRS: You can always confide in me, there’s no shame in it I promise.
Those words made him feel weak all over. Something about the care and intent, the genuine thoughts behind it made him warm and fuzzy.
FP: I will admit, my silence was due to your assumption. I can’t help it, it’s second nature at this point.
SRS: I’m so, so sorry Pebbles.
He should be the one apologising, why must they carry the burden? Why do they want it at all?
FP: I should be the one apologising.
FP: I don’t wish anything more than to ask you for guidance and forgiveness, not for you to take on my emotional issues as if they were your own.
SRS: But it’s not your fault you feel that way, you don’t have to be alone for this.
Why must they tug on his heartstrings like this? Grab at his very soul and hold it close. It only made him want them more than ever. A confession sat in his mind, a tough thing to even form into words as they would run away before he could even form a coherent sentence about just how much he wanted to give into the vices for them, with them.
FP: I can’t help but admit this feeling is related to you- the vice I feel is linked to you to the point I cannot handle to type it into messages.
SRS: If that’s the case, I’m always open to call.
There it was, he knew it was coming but he really wished it didn’t. Not only is he not thinking straight but now he’s invited to vent these things to the very one who he wishes to project his urges onto- it’s torture, the taboos in his cells remind him repeatedly that this is not right, this is not what iterators do.
FP: Please don’t do this
SRS: I only want to help, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
But he does want to, he wants to so badly.
SRS: You don’t have to keep your cam on, I can just talk to you if it’s that bad.
SRS: I want to make my intent clear- I wish not to pressure you, nor make you uncomfortable in any way at all. I’m simply worrying for you, you’re my friend and you needn’t suffer like this alone.
FP: Ok.
As soon as he sends that, a video call invite pops up after his message and he clicks on it, making sure to disable his camera. He hugs his knees, barely able to compose himself in a presentable manner.
“Ah, there you are- are you alright? Do you need anything in particular?” The worry in their voice makes him ache from his city to the legs of his structure. Worst of all, he can barely speak now. He’s reduced to a nearly non-verbal state in this situation. Barely above a whisper, he forces out something to make their worry subside at least somewhat.
“I’m alright it’s.. I’m not really.. I can’t think but I’m okay.”
“I’m here, it’ll be alright.”
Looking up at their face on the hologram screen he can see the markings on their head, their pitch black eyes, oddly shaped antenna- even in his current state, their mere appearance makes him swoon.
“You’ll be okay, I promise.” Their voice shakes as they speak, and he can see the distress in the way they present themself on the screen. Something about Suns’ voice is much more breathless than before, anxiety leaking into every word. They seem just as worried for him as he is full of hate for himself.
“You can tell me anything, I won’t judge you- it’s, it’s not like I haven’t been a victim to these same urges myself!”
“Fine, it’s that I’m full of desire and need and I need it so much that I forget to keep tearing myself down, I need it so much that I can’t help but tear myself down, I’m like a Eel Lizard devouring it’s own tail, the ouroboros, I’m stuck in this endless cycle no matter what it’s about it always leads back to wanting to be gone. Not just that but to want to punish myself for thinking for needing for.. for…”
After saying that all in two breaths, which his puppet doesn’t need but has trained to use by memory he’s completely blank. It’s nice to get that out, but the shame immediately sets in.
“I.. I get that, yes, I just fail to understand what directly these desires are. I don’t know how to help, I cannot even help myself when it comes to this but I will try. I will try for you.”
Panic is clear in their voice as ever- try for him, perhaps he was not so alone in his feelings about this? He prays, he wishes so much for that to be the case.
“You.”
Pebbles manages to choke out, immediately regretting saying it. He watches the screen with a finger hovering over the button to hang up. Watching as the cogs turn in their head and it finally clicks, and when it does they immediately go red in the face.
“Me?! That’s.. I did not expect that to be the case, hold on I’m sorry allow me a second.”
They go out of the frame, and from how flustered they are, the fact they leave view of the camera to take a breather makes him feel both relieved and way more stressed than before. This was a mistake, he should leave the call now it seems. Almost as if reading his mind, they respond while still off of screen.
“Please don’t hang up yet, I just need a moment, I apologise.”
Not noticing the light in their chamber shows their shadow directly to where they had set the viewing window to, Pebbles watches as they hold their head in their hands, flap their hands with excitement and keep putting a hand on their face again and again. After a painfully long time, they return to where he can see them once more. Their face is still equally as red as before, and they twiddle with their robes in a way he’s never seen them do before.
“You.. You are not alone in that regard , I must admit I think of these things of you from time to time. It’s not right for me to impose that on you, I would never had thought you returned how I feel. I understand you look up to me, I don’t want you to feel underneath me especially in that way. I need more time to think on this but. For what it’s worth, I return those feelings so very much. It’s difficult to phrase, I can’t say what I’m thinking it’s too soon for that-”
Five Pebbles simply gawked at them as they spoke, high off of just the idea that they returned any of those feelings at all.
“I do want you, I confess.”
He can see how much they’re holding back, reading the emotion in their eyes and wanting for them to say it, just say it.
“Suns, I.. I’d like to stay on this call for a while more.”
They go silent, looking at their DMs with him and thinking back on everything. How long had he been feeling this? When did he notice? Looking down the many, many chats they’ve had it suddenly becomes very clear that they had been feeling this way for cycles and him the same.
“Can you at least turn on your camera?”
Shockingly enough, he obeys. They can see the marks on his head and neck from grabbing at himself, and how one of his antenna seems just slightly off. The feeling this is their fault and it has been since the start digs into them the same way he had dug his fingers into his own skin. They not very discreetly look him up and down, he’s still sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and his gravity clearly off. But even like this they look at him through rose tinted lenses.
“You look..”
“Pathetic? Worse than usual? Like a bug?”
There’s something almost vindictive underneath that last sentence, but they store that thought for later.
“…pretty.”
Pebbles heats up the second they say that, and they watch as the pink of his skin is now almost entirely red along his cheeks- antennae twitching nervously.
“You do not have to compliment me like that, it’s unnecessary. I uh, I’m not,”
“Not used to it? I could definitely make you used to it!~”
Suns’ teases, regaining some of their composure just to be a flirt.
“I do admit it wouldn’t be the worst..”
They can see how he smiles with his eyes as he speaks, a flustered grin audible in his voice despite them not having mouths at all.
“Well if you say so, I must mention you have the nicest form of any iterator I’ve met.”
“SUNS!” “What, can’t handle a tease? I thought you were just practically asking for it!”
“Well I wasn’t expecting that!!”
“And yet you said that you were having trouble with what I assume to be the second vice because of me? Two can play at that game, Pebbles.”
“I can’t believe you.”
“Mhm, alright pretty boy.”
“SUNS PLEASE-”
“Hey I see just how much you like it in your eyes! C’mon, you can come at me like that too!”
“…oh really?” “I feel I’ve made a mistake in telling you that.”
“Now have you?”
“Don’t look at me like that! Oh I totally have-”