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It was a snowing outside, about 5 months after Jack's death, Ennis refused to count the exact date because that made him cry, something he did that he thought made him weak.
"Fucking hell," Ennis yells. It's the 4th time this week he's woken up from a bad dream sweating and with tears in his eyes.
"Why did you have 'a leave, Jack," he exclaimed as if Jack was looking down at him and listening to his complaints.
"I know I woulda never said it, but I miss more each day, and I love you so much darlin'," he felt a gust of wind on his face, almost wiping his tears, like Jack did last time they saw each other.
Ennis remembered when Jack told him "Damn you, Ennis." as you wiped Ennis's tears and hugged him even though he didn't know if Ennis cared about him.
"I cared so much, you know that. I was scared, terrified that you woulda left me there on Brokeback never to be seen again, I guess you did do that, but in the way I expected," his tears dropping down staining cheeks faster as he remembered the sweet, but painful memories of their shared lives. The good, such as that night in the hotel, the couple dozen"fishing" trips to Brokeback, but also the angry, and sad times, which sent a chill down his spine. He never truly showed Jack he cared, did Jack know he loved him more than he could ever love himself, did Jack know that Ennis cursed himself at night for being an ass to Jack, did Jack even know anything that Ennis felt for him.
Ennis tried to forget those thoughts, he had no one to tell, the only person who could know this side of Ennis's brain was Jack, but he can't listen to him anymore.
He tried to drift off to sleep,but the thoughts of his life polluted and inundated his thoughts like a tall wave, and he was stuck on the bottom on the stream.
He managed to get 3 hours asleep, it was better than the 50 minutes he got the night before. Instead of doing his usual path to ranch he works at, he went to drop by Junior's after asking if it was okay for him to pop by.
"Hi daddy, this Kurt. Please sit down, my home is your home," Junior said with a grin spreading wide across her face, Ennis rarely ever visited.
"Sweetie, you know I don't talk about myself a lot because I never learned how to," Ennis looked down at his feet his voice just a little over a whisper.
"Do you need me to tell ya, yes dad, I have noticed. That's okay if you can't," Junior giggled, which caused Ennis to smile something he hasn't done since his little girl got married.
"Well, I wanted to tell you that the reason," Ennis paused, having the mention Jack's name hurt his soul.
He coughed."The reason I have seemed quieter than usual, like you said, is that well, my good buddy Jack Twist died a couple a months ago. It's nothin' I should be telling you, but well he was my only friend."Ennis felt himself tearing up, he couldn't cry, but he could not hold on. Tears fell down his face, Junior wrapped herself around him, surprised with her dad's sudden expression of emotions and affection.
She was astonished. "Daddy, you can tell me when this stuff happens, I know he was a very good buddy a yours, I saw him with you sometimes, you seemed different, you seemed like yourself" She teared up as well, knowing her father was not doing well was a different feeling.
Ennis couldn't really say anything, his chest was heavy, he wasn't sobbing, he was just tearing up a little over a old buddy, he can't let anyone know.
"But daddy, you do know I know, right?" Jenny asked quietly. Ennis's eyes shifted, he had a look of anger on his face, but then he realized Junior was not at fault for realizing.
"Oh," he wanted to say more, but he couldn't. All he felt was disappointment for himself, he let his daughter find out the thing about him he hates the most, which also happens to be the thing that gave him the person he will forever love.
"Daddy, I will love you no matter what, mom told me when I turned of age, I asked about it, so she told me the truth. I promise she didn't say it to hurt you," Junior wanted to comfort her dad, she's been waiting to tell him, until she knew he wouldn't freak out and leave as soon as she said it.
"I guess I deserve her shit, I shoulda told her. I hurt your ma, I'm sorry for bein' a shit father," Ennis whispered, he felt as it he wasn't in control of the moment, he couldn't control his thoughts, his eyes just flooded.
" You were not a bad father, I wouldn't trade you daddy for any other old man, " Junior laughed. Ennis was feeling happier his daughters are the only people that can make him happy to be alive, he still wishes he was the one to die not Jack, then he wouldn't have to miss him so goddamn much.
"Darlin', I'll get outta your hair, I gotta quit my job at the ranch I'm working at, the owner is an asshole, and I needa be atleast be happy with my job right now," Ennis smiled, he tried to make a joke but know he just sounds overly emotional for his own liking.
" You are not a bother I promise, goodbye daddy, I love ya, I hope you start to feel better," Junior grinned, it was a wide grin, she finally felt like she could trust her father, something she never could do when he never had real conversations with her.
Ennis hugged Junior tight, he knew they both needed it, they needed to make up for all the years lost of affection because Ennis didn't know how to show his love.
After Junior waved goodbye, Ennis entered his car and murmured "only If could see you again, Twist. Once more to see you." He was driving in the road, the sunset behind him but also a clearer conscience, he wasn't as alone.
He knew things would get better.