Chapter Text
Im Sol stared at the tear in the plastic bag, watching in disbelief as the apples it had contained just seconds ago tumbled down the stairs.
Before, this was something she would have laughed at. Or if she’d been in a bad mood, she might have grumbled as she skipped down the stairs to retrieve the fallen produce. Now, though, her eyes burned as she blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over. The only way she’d make it down the stairs was if her mother carried her.
Her mother sighed. Then, in an overly cheery voice, which Sol knew was for her benefit, said, “Sol-ah, let me just put you down inside, and then I’ll get the apples.”
She saw her mom’s arms tighten around her legs in what was meant to be a comforting squeeze, only she couldn’t feel it. Sol bit her lower lip. Hard.
The apples turned into reddish blurs on the ground by her wheelchair. She closed her eyes and repeated the words she had held on to like a life-line since that day the moon had blotted out the sun and she’d nearly ended it all.
Thank you for being alive.
Since the car accident almost one year ago, everyone had always spoken in such hushed tones around her. Even after she had lashed out on the air waves and threatened to burn down a radio station, the show’s host had been so quick to apologize. Like everyone else, she was so full of pity for the pathetic girl who could no longer walk. Behind every whispered, ‘I’m sorry,’ Sol could hear the unspoken, ‘glad it’s not me,’ and ‘what a terrible way to live.’ They knew how awful her existence was, what a burden she now was and would always be.
Sol had expected no less from the clueless band member Ryu Sunjae who had had the great misfortune of dialing her number. But his voice was firm, unflinching. And though his words were kindness itself, he wielded them with the conviction and precision of a sculptor, carving and chiseling away at a heart she thought had been turned into stone.
It’s a relief that you’re alive. The ones by your side will say thank you for that.
Sol had thought herself incapable of feeling anything anymore. But her mother’s strong arms had enfolded her, kept her from falling apart as she sobbed on the hospital bed, her slight form shuddering as the torrents of pain and grief burst forth. The ache of it all reminded her that she wasn’t dead. And beneath all her wretchedness, she discovered something else, an answering gratitude. Gratitude for her family for loving her, gratitude for being alive so she could experience their love, and gratitude for Ryu Sunjae for helping her to see this.
You are a gift from the heavens.
The lyrics from his chart-topping song were obviously not written about her, but after that day she took them as her own, comforting herself as she continued to rehabilitate her body and life.
You are a gift from the heavens.
Im Sol nodded, burying her face in her mother’s neck.
You are a gift from the heavens.
She swallowed, hoping to relieve the tightness in her throat, so she could answer her mom. But just as she managed to pull herself together, her mother gasped.
Sol whipped her head up from its hiding place.
Her tears must have affected her sight, because what Sol saw made no sense. She blinked, then rubbed her eyes. Still, the image of Ryu Sunjae standing next to her wheelchair and the fallen apples didn’t go away, only came into sharper focus.
The silence seemed to stretch for an age, but speech was beyond her. Sol could only stare. Without his idol finery, without his makeup, dressed in jeans and a gray sweatshirt, Ryu Sunjae should have looked like any other person in their neighborhood. Or at the very least, not as handsome as in his pictures. But that face! It was like Sol was seeing him for the very first time all over again. She had been shocked to discover that the man from the radio show–the man who had saved her–looked like an actual angel. It was no less earth-shattering now. He was gorgeous.
This couldn’t possibly be real. Was it a hallucination? Some heavenly vision brought on by a desperate wish to see and thank the man who had changed her life?
That would have made sense, only her mother had seen him too.
What was Ryu Sunjae doing here?!
Before she had time to wonder about the strangeness of Eclipse’s lead singer standing in front of her house, Ryu Sunjae bounded up the stairs.
“Is there anything I can do? Please let me help.”
His actions jolted them from whatever thrall they had been in. She heard her mother sigh, felt her shoulders fall as if a great weight had been lifted off of them.
“Yes, thank–”
Her mother’s thanks died on her lips as Ryu Sunjae reached for Sol.
“May I?” he asked, his hands hovering so close she could feel his warmth through her sweater, though he did not touch her.
Her mother blinked and looked over her shoulder at Sol, probably just as shocked as Sol felt.
Then her jaw clenched, and she seemingly came to a decision. The older woman nodded sharply. “I will go get the apples and the wheelchair. You can take Sol inside.”
She felt his arm across the length of her upper back. “You can let go of your mother’s shoulders. I’ve got you.”
With no other choice, Sol let go and was caught up in the arms of Ryu Sunjae.
Cradled against him, with her face so close to his neck, she could detect the faint traces of whatever soap or cologne he used. He smelled fresh and clean, almost like baby powder.
Sol thought she might pass out. Heat crawled up her body and over her cheeks, yet she felt shivers race down her spine.
Ryu Sunjae cleared his throat, and Sol’s eyes snapped open. When had she closed them?
“You’re trembling,” he said, so softly she almost didn’t hear him.
She shook her head, trying to convey that she was alright. But she still could not speak; neither could she stop her traitorous body from shuddering.
“Don’t be frightened. I won’t drop you.”
Unable to meet his eyes, she stared at his throat, watching as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down.
“I won’t drop you,” he repeated. “I promise.”
He carried her up the next flight of stairs, his steps slow and steady. She had made this trek on her mother’s and brother’s backs before, but this ascent, cradled against his chest in a bridal carry, seemed uncommonly smooth. She was barely jostled or bounced.
Ryu Sunjae cleared his throat again when they reached her front door.
“It’s open,” she mumbled, her tongue finally loosened.
She felt him shift his weight. “Please place your arms around my neck.”
Im Sol felt her cheeks flame even more. “I’m sorry I’m so heavy,” she said.
“That’s not it. I just need to get the door handle, and I don’t want to worry you with any sudden movement.”
Sol raised her arms, making sure that her fingers did not graze his skin as she clasped her hands together against the soft material of his sweatshirt.
Ryu Sunjae fumbled for the doorknob with his free hand, then once he’d turned it, he slowly pushed the door open with his foot.
Toeing his shoes off in the entrance, he then crossed the threshold into the living room.
“Where would you like to sit?”
Sol did not answer. In truth, she could not. Ryu Sunjae was in her house, holding her in his arms. She was, once again, incapable of speech or thought. She could only feel. Her heart throbbed under the near unbearable weight of gratitude and happiness he had gifted her. Desperately, she wanted to tell him how his words had breathed life and hope back into her. How she prayed for him every day and thanked God for his existence. He should know how special he was. How precious.
But nothing came out.
The pinprick of tears in her eyes came back, and she rubbed her fist against her chest. There was so much inside of her that she wanted to share, and the inability to do so made her heart ache even worse. She looked up to the ceiling, willing her tears to subside. He had no idea she was even his fan. To him, she was just a weepy girl, and her show of emotions would make him uncomfortable.
As if on cue, Ryu Sunjae’s eyes widened almost comically.
“Why are you crying? I didn’t make you cry, did I?”
Sol reached up to swipe at her tears, but they fell even harder.
“I’ll just, uh, take you to your room if that’s OK? You’ll feel better if you lie down. And then I’ll get your mom.”
All Sol could do was nod.
Fortunately, her room was the closest to the front entrance, and the first room to which he came.
Ryu Sunjae lowered Sol to her bed, then quickly stepped back. Sol grabbed the nearest pillow and squeezed it to her chest. She wanted to bury her face in it and scream. Why could she not pull herself together? Why could she not express herself? She had a once in a lifetime opportunity, and it was slipping through her fingers.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I’ll go get–”
Ryu Sunjae’s sudden silence broke through her mental tumult. Sol found him staring down at her, his brow furrowed.
Sol tilted her head to the side, relinquishing her stranglehold on the pillow so she could see why his expression had changed.
Ahhh! The pillow! Her always supportive best friend, Lee Hyunjoo, had gifted it to her almost immediately after finding out about Sol’s new obsession with Eclipse and the band’s singer. It was one of Sol’s prized possessions and kept her company on her bed.
But right now Sol’s fingers itched to fling the cushion across the room. Only it was too late. Ryu Sunjae had already seen the image of himself emblazoned on the pillowcase, grinning as he licked a lollipop.
Sol was sure her cheeks and the tips of her ears were bright red, but she forced herself to speak. “I…I’m a,” Sol cleared her throat, “I’m a fan of yours,” she managed to stammer out, offering him a feeble smile.
She did not know how it was possible, but his eyes widened even further. He knelt down beside her bed, bringing himself eye level with her. “You are?! I didn’t think you even knew who I was.”
Sol gestured around the room at the walls, where her brother had hung up her Eclipse posters. “Isn’t it obvious?,” she said, laughing. She tried not to wince at how forced it sounded. “I even joined your fan club,” she blurted out. Sol resisted the urge to slap her hands over her mouth, clenching her fists in the pillow.
Why was she suddenly so shy? Hadn’t she intended to tell him she was his fan and thank him for saving her life?
By now he must be used to girls going insane over him. Still, she dreaded seeing any discomfort or pity in his eyes. What if he thought she was a crazy fan? Or that he had walked into a trap that she had set?
But instead of focusing on the enlarged images of himself around the room, Ryu Sunjae’s gaze settled on something on her nightstand. Sol followed his line of sight to an image of her and Hyunjoo during their senior year. Before her accident.
“Did you go to Jagam Girls High School?” he asked quietly, still staring at the picture.
She nodded, surprised he would know the name of her school.
Ryu Sunjae picked it up, examining it further. “I went to the school next to yours.”
Sol pushed herself up to a seated position. “You lived around here?!”
He pointed to her window. “I bet you can see my bedroom from here. Well, it used to be my bedroom until I debuted. My father still lives in that house, and I’m visiting him today.”
She had lived next door to her favorite person! Went to school right by his school! How had she not known this?!
Ryu Sunjae set her picture back on her nightstand. “What year were you born?”
“1990.”
Ryu Sunjae’s lips curved up slightly at the corners, and his eyes met hers. “So not only are you my fan, you are my neighbor and friend as well.”
He tapped his hand against his chest. “My name’s Ryu Sunjae.”
Sol stared at the long fingers, not understanding why he felt it necessary to state the obvious. “I know.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you,” he said, giving her a slight bow.
He raised his eyebrows, and it finally clicked. “Ah! My name! It’s Im Sol. I…” she took a breath, trying to release it slowly, “I’m Im Sol.”
“Hello, Im Sol.”
Without her permission, Sol’s mouth curved into a wide grin. She tried to dial it back, worried that she would look too excited, but she couldn’t stop smiling. Especially when Ryu Sunjae kept smiling back at her.
His warm, brown eyes sparkled at her over the short distance between them. A girl could drown in those honey-dripping eyes, she thought, only to feel immediate embarrassment at the cringey sentiment. Sol lowered her eyes from the tempting sight, only to be met with Ryu Sunjae’s lips–the fullest, pinkest, most perfect lips she had ever seen.
On the brink of panic, Sol shifted her eyes to the side of his face. Surely, that would be a safe place to look.
Wrong!
The smooth, glowing skin of his right cheek met her, and within that perfect canvas was the cutest dimple she had ever seen. Could her fingertip fit inside it? No sooner had she wondered about it, the image of her pressing repeatedly on his cheek like it was bouncy rice cake popped into her mind.
Was there anywhere safe to look?
No! Every part of this man was dangerous. He was the walking embodiment of temptation!
Sol tightly squeezed her eyes shut. She must resist!
“Im Sol?” Ryu Sunjae said slowly, seemingly drawing it out. She had heard her name every day of her life, but never like this. In his voice–his deep, hoarse voice. Goosebumps erupted across her skin.
What was wrong with her?! Ryu Sunjae was her guardian angel! The purest, kindest soul to grace the earth. She was supposed to be his fan, admiring and supporting his perfection from afar. Instead, almost the moment she had met him, here she was, treating him like he was a mere object, reducing him to all his (beautiful) parts, like some kind of…wanton woman.
Sol stared up at her ceiling, her breath catching in her throat. What was she going to do?
“Im Sol!”
Sol nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of her mom calling for her. Had her mother heard her thoughts?!
“Sol-ah! Where are you?”
Ryu Sunjae shot to his feet. “I should have taken you to the couch instead. I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m sorry.”
“It’s OK,” she said, not really believing her words.
“Im Sol!” her mom shouted.
“We’re in here,” Sol yelled back, hoping her mother wouldn’t scold them for being alone together in her room. Or at least if she did yell, she would wait until after he had left.
But instead of chastising them, her mother called out, “Bring your guest back out here, so I can thank him!”
Before Sol could worry about how she could accomplish that, Ryu Sunjae knelt back down at her bedside, offering his neck to her.
Sol swallowed. Every time her brother, Im Geum, got her from bed, he would grunt and stumble to regain his footing. But there was nothing she could do. Sol placed her arms around him, ignoring the knot in her stomach.
She pressed her lips together, ignoring the swoop in her stomach as Ryu Sunjae lifted her into his arms.
“I’m not hurting you, am I?” he asked. “You’re wincing.”
“No. I’m just sorry I’m so heavy.”
Ryu Sunjae beamed down at her.
“I was just thinking how tiny you are,” he said.
Im Sol looked away, unable to bear the eye contact for a second longer.
She was not a wanton woman. She was not!
Sol had to put a stop to these silly thoughts immediately. It would be too easy to be carried away. Her idol, the most handsome man she had ever seen, was just a genuinely nice person. That was all. It would be stupid for her to mistake his kindness for anything else. Plus, after this, she would never see him again.
The thought left a hollow pit inside her stomach.
Ignoring the ever-widening chasm, she tried to focus on the words she’d wanted to say to him. He would leave soon. Time was running out.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Ryu Sunjae gave her a confused smile. “For this? You’re as light as a feather.” As if to prove his point, he did a couple of squats. “See!” he boasted. “I could do this for hours. It’s nothing.”
Sol shook her head. It wasn’t nothing. It was everything . But the words reverberating in her heart could not get past the tightness in her throat.
Thank you for being kind. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me want to live. Thank you for being alive. Thank you, Ryu Sunjae.
A tear slid down her cheek.
“Please don’t cry. It makes me happy to help you,” he said.
Sol looked up, surprised at the pain she thought she heard in his voice.
His eyes, shining and soft, searched hers. The kindness they radiated felt like a tangible thing, like a warm blanket being wrapped around her.
“Im Sol–”
“Ryu Sunjae–”
“Do you need help?” Sol’s mother asked from the doorway.
Sol felt Sunjae startle, and he squeezed her more tightly to his chest.
“Ryu Sunjae was just picking me up.”
“I can see that,” her mom said.
Thankfully, Ryu Sunjae kept his eyes firmly fixed on the ground, so he did not see the way her mother had raised her eyebrows.
“Do you want to go to the couch or to your chair?” he asked.
“My chair, please.”
Sol could feel her mom’s eyes on them as he walked her over and lowered her into the wheelchair. No doubt she would have something to say once Ryu Sunjae left. But what that was, Sol could only guess. She wasn’t sure her mother quite approved of her obsession with Ryu Sunjae. Whenever Sol mentioned him, she got unusually quiet. But she supposed her mom wouldn’t get too angry. After all, he was the one that had brought her out of the pit.
Once he seemed sure she was comfortably settled, Ryu Sunjae stood up straight, facing her mom.
“I apologize for going into Im Sol’s room. I was–”
“Don’t worry about it,” her mother said, waving her hand to dismiss his apology. “You seem like a very sweet boy. I’m sure your intentions are pure,” she said, smiling at him.
Ryu Sunjae bowed his head.
“Would you like some tea? Or something to eat?” her mother asked.
“Yes, I’d like that. Thank you.”
Sol wheeled herself to the kitchen table, and Ryu Sunjae had just joined her when a phone rang. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.
“Excuse me. I need to take this. It’s my dad,” he said before answering the call.
Sol could not hear the other side of the conversation, but whatever Ryu Sun had heard caused his face to fall. He closed his phone and looked over at her, his lips nearly forming a pout. “I’m sorry, but I need to leave. My dad needs me to take care of something before I head back.”
“That’s too bad,” her mom said. “You’re the boy from next door, right?”
He nodded, and Im Sol was surprised her mom had known this. Perhaps she hadn’t put two and two together that the neighbor boy was her idol.
“I’ll make sure to leave you something delicious with your father as a thank you. Do you come home often?”
“Not as often as I’d like.” He sounded so disappointed that Im Sol glanced up. He was looking straight at her. “My job keeps me pretty busy.”
“I can only imagine. Well, I wish you lots of success. You deserve it,” her mom said, patting him on the shoulder. Then she laughed. “Although, if your other fans are anything like Sol, they’ll keep you in business for a long time. She’ll buy anything with your face on it.”
“Mom!” Sol yelped.
“It was nice meeting you, ma’am.”
Ryu Sunjae turned again to her. She looked up at him, and the silence seemed to stretch forever. Finally, he said, “Good bye, Im Sol.”
“Good bye, Ryu Sunjae.”
Then he walked to the door, waved one last time, and left.
Once the door closed behind him, Sol sighed.
“Silly boy,” her mother said, though from her gentle tone, Sol could tell she wasn’t actually angry. “It would have been much easier if he’d just gotten the apples and brought them upstairs instead of taking you.”
Sol picked up an apple, trying to distract herself from her forlorn thoughts.
“They’re all bruised,” her mother said, “but maybe we can cut around those parts.”
Sol turned the apple over in her hands.
“I was thinking, Sol, that maybe we should move. I found a nice apartment, and it has an elevator.”
Sol pressed on the apple’s bruise.
“I know we’ve been here for a long time, but the change might be good. Besides, I don’t want you locked up in the house all day.”
Her mother was right. They needed to move to a place with an elevator. Unless her mom or brother was there, Sol was essentially a prisoner in her own home due to the staircase.
But then she would no longer be neighbors with Ryu Sunjae. It made no sense, but for some reason, the thought made her terribly sad. Why should it bother her? She’d only just discovered they were neighbors. And he didn’t actually live in the house across the street. Even if he did come back in a few months, how would she know? She would never see him again.
Sol’s mom pinched her arm. “What are you doing looking so listless? You just met your favorite person in the world. You should be happy.”
Yes, she should.
Sol faked a smile, though she doubted her mother was fooled. All she could think was that she didn’t tell Ryu Sunjae how thankful she was to him, and now she never would.
Her mother busied herself around the kitchen, washing vegetables in the sink in preparation for dinner.
After some time she spoke again. “Your Ryu Sunjae seems like a good boy.”
“He’s not my Ryu Sunjae, but you are right. He is a great person. The best.”
Her mother pulled a cutting board from a cabinet. “Could you tell I was taking my time, so you would get to be alone with him longer?”
Sol had no idea. They couldn’t have been alone for more than ten minutes, but it felt as if time had stopped. Like they were the only ones in the world.
“I can tell you didn’t. Well, you’re welcome anyway.”
Sol wrinkled her nose.
“It’s a shame you didn’t get to know him before he joined that boy band. It would have been nice for you to have such a person for a friend. Are you sure you didn’t meet during high school?”
“I’m positive. I would have remembered meeting someone like him.”
“Yes, he’s very handsome.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
“So you don’t think he’s handsome?”
“Mom! Stop teasing me!”
“Sorry,” she said through her laughter. Still giggling, her mother set the cutting board and knife down in front of her, then brought over the carrots and onions. “Now cut these up.”
Sol picked up the knife and got to work.
“Hmmmm, now that I think about it, you probably wouldn’t remember Ryu Sunjae. You were too busy chasing after that shaggy-haired boy to notice. Wasn’t he in a band too?” Her mother gave her a sly grin. “You certainly have a type. Though I think Ryu Sunjae is the better choice.”
Shaggy-haired boy?
Oh! Kim Taesung. She hadn’t thought of him in ages. What was he up to now, she wondered.
Her mom pulled out a pot and filled it with water, then set it to boil on the stove.
“It’s probably best that you didn’t meet Ryu Sunjae earlier. I hear singers can’t date.”
Sol’s knife clattered to the table. “What?! Mom! What are you talking about? What makes you think he’d ever date me?”
Her mother looked over from the stove and shrugged. “You never know. I think he likes you.”
Sol scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. He would never like me.”
Her mom scowled and shook her head, but didn’t respond.
With the conversation at an end, the two worked in silence, preparing the family dinner.
Some time later there was a thunk against the front door.
Sol and her mom looked towards the entryway, and the door slowly began to open.
“Aigoo! Why is this so heavy?”
Her grandmother must have just returned from the senior center. She entered, pushing the door open with her backside. It soon became apparent why she was struggling. Her arms were laden with a large basket wrapped in plastic and topped with a large yellow bow.
“Malja, what is that?” her mother said, rushing forward, wiping her hands on her apron.
Taking the basket from the older woman, her mother set it on the table in front of Sol and began unwrapping it. Through the plastic wrap, Sol could see it was full of apples, peaches, nectarines, grapes, and a very large watermelon.
“Grandma, did you bring that all the way from the senior center?”
“Ha! I would have broken my back if I had to carry that all the way here."
Almost as soon as her grandmother had finished her sentence, she slapped her hands over her mouth and her face paled. "Oh, Sol. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."
"I know, Grandma. Don't worry about it."
Her grandmother smoothed down Sol's hair. "I found the fruit basket just outside the door.”
“There’s a card inside for you,” her mother said.
“For me?” Sol said, her voice rising.
Her mother handed a small white rectangle with her name inscribed on it in neat print. “Hmm. I wonder who it’s from,” her mom said, eyebrows raised and without a trace of curiosity in her voice.
Sol took the small envelope, ignoring the sudden butterflies in her stomach. It wasn’t possible, was it?
With trembling fingers, Sol opened the envelope and scanned the words. Then read them again.
Im Sol,
I hope you like the fruit. The watermelon is my favorite. I wanted to do this earlier but…if you need help or just want to talk, please call or text me. I might not be able to answer right away, but I will get back to you. I promise.
Your friend,
Ryu Sunjae
Under his name was his cell phone number.
Sol looked up to find her mom staring at her, but she didn’t ask what was inside the letter or who it was from.
“I need to go to my room for a minute.”
“Don’t take too long. Dinner is almost ready.”
Sol wheeled herself into her room, stopping at her desk. Opening a drawer, she pulled out a wooden box. Currently, all it housed was a light brown alarm clock that once belonged to her father. Setting the card inside, she set the box down on top of her desk and went back to eat.
That night’s dinner was a quiet affair. At least for Sol. Im Geum was staying late at work. Her mother and grandmother carried on their conversation around her, but all she could think about was the card in the wooden box. As soon as she had finished eating, she excused herself and got ready for bed, much earlier than usual. After her mother had helped her change into her pajamas, Sol returned to her room.
The box was right where she left it, on top of her desk, next to her cell phone. She retrieved the letter and read Ryu Sunjae’s words again.
Sol grabbed her phone.
She held it in her hands for long minutes, still staring at the letter. Eventually, she set the phone aside and put the letter back in the wooden box, which she set on her lap.
Wheeling herself over to her bed, she put the box on her nightstand. With some effort, she managed to get herself into bed. After the accident, she had lain in the hospital bed for nearly a year. It was only in these last few months, after that fateful day, that Sol had started going to a physical therapist willingly. She’d thrown herself into the exercises, trying to make up for lost time and gain as much independence as she could.
Sol stared back at her phone on her desk, then got the letter out of the box and cradled it against her chest.
Ryu Sunjae couldn’t have meant it. He was merely kind-hearted, trying to brighten up the day of a pitiable girl. It was actually quite risky. Eclipse had shot to stardom, charting number one singles back-to-back-to-back. He shouldn’t be giving out his phone number to strangers. Sol shook her head, and turned on her side, away from her phone.
Ryu Sunjae was too kind, and she would not take advantage of that. As a fan, she would protect him, and continue to support him from afar. It was enough to know what a wonderful person he was.
This was for the best. Truly.
Sol had already been having crazy thoughts, and she had only been exposed to him for ten minutes. Imagine how deluded she’d become if they continued interacting with each other.
For her own sake, it was best not to dream these kinds of dreams. She would just keep these feelings to herself, cherishing those perfect moments in her heart forever. She would pay him back by focusing on her rehabilitation and living her fullest life.
How many fans could say that Ryu Sunjae had carried them in his arms, visited their house, gave them a gift, and his phone number?
Just her. Probably.
That knowledge would have to be enough.
Sol tucked the card back into the envelope, and put it in the box on her night stand.
Lying back down, she stared at the ceiling, feeling hot tears roll out of the sides of her eyes.
She fell asleep, clutching her pillow to her chest.