Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You missed Jaehyun’s presence in your life but you couldn’t blame it on him. You were the one who told him that you didn’t love him anymore, you were the one that ended it even though he died to work everything out with you.

You put on your big girl pants when he came over to pick his stuff a couple of months ago and acted like you didn’t hurt one bit. You chose the path and you tried your best to walk it with your head held up high, not without sudden break downs, though, you hated to admit.

[19:34] from Jung Jaehyun: regardless of what terms we’re on right now, you should still come to the concert. 

[19:34] from Jung Jaehyun: hi, by the way

You chewed onto your lower lip, staring at the messages that came through right when you were waiting for the green light to turn on. Your thoughts drifted to Jaehyun and you felt sick in your stomach, holding on to it when the cars behind you signalled and you pushed gas pedal quickly, placing your hands back on the steering wheel, focusing your attention on the road. 

[20:40] from TY: Even my older sister is coming, no chance you’re getting yourself out of it. 

[20:40] from TY: I’m going to get a car for you tomorrow. 

[20:41] to TY: I’m not feeling well so I’m not sure if I should come ㅠㅠ

[20:44] from TY: remember you’re the one who told Jaehyun to leave? You can’t run away from him forever, he’ll have to know. 

[20:44] to TY: it’s not about this you idiot.

[20:44] to TY: and no, he doesn’t need to know. 

[20:47] to Jung Jaehyun: hi! thanks, I was planning to come anyway, it’s not like I’m going to miss out on my best friends show ^^

You almost hit send but pressed delete instead, propping the phone next to you, closing your eyes in tiredness. Nausea you felt made all of your energy go away and you found it only logical to go to bed at such an early hour, but the message you almost sent to Jaehyun replayed in your head not letting your heart beat in normal pace. The message probably would look weird to his eyes, the wording seemed too distracted and you debated for over two hours if you should text him something at all. Leaving him on read is probably as rude as sending that message, you though. 

You asked him to not be dramatic over the break up, be grown up about your decision and act like normal people would act if the both of you had to cross paths. And you knew for sure, having to be childhood best friends with his close friend, you’ll get to see each other more than you’d like to. 

[22:42] to Jung Jaehyun: I’m not going to miss out on something you worked so hard on, so see you tomorrow ^^ 

You couldn’t look at your screen any longer, seeing letters flow over the screen in circles. Your eyes were giving up on you and you finally sent the message and tucked yourself into the duvet. 

-

“Hey, I’m next to the dome, how do I get in?” you fished your chapstick out of your purse, undoing the lid with one hand and putting minty essence on your lips. 

“Oh, already? Wait a second.” you could hear him prop his phone on the table, hearing distant voices of people that surrounded Taeyong. You guessed boys were probably getting their make up and hair done with the distinct chatter of women over the phone. “I’m getting my make up done, Jaehyun will pick you up at the employee entrance at the back of the dome.”

“Not him.” you protested immediately. “Come yourself.” 

“Dude, I have one eye done, he’s coming already.” 

“Stop him, tell him not to. Ask Doyoung, or Haechan, whoever?” you felt your hand shake while you tried to shove your chapstick back down to it’s designated place, dropping it onto the ground by accident. “I didn’t prepare myself mentally.”

“Love, you‘ve spent four years with him, how come you’re terrified of the idea…” he paused and for a second you felt like the two of you got disconnected. “Wait a sec.”

“Hi, Y/n.” you heard his voice over the phone all of a sudden, squatted with your chapstick in your hand, forgetting to get up. “Tell me what you’re wearing.” his voice was as calm as he could ever make it. You exhaled and collected yourself. Jaehyun was just being normal, you should be too, no matter what, you told yourself. 

“Uhm, you know, the pink dress I have.” you kind of sounded unsure, lowering your eyes to look at your own clothes. “Why?”

“Oh, that. Okay, I just need to tell the security guard what you look like so he’ll let you in.”

“I’ll get to the other side of the dome then.”

“See you in a bit.” he said warmly into the phone and hung up. 

You hurried around the dome, feeling astonished by the number of people that stood at the back of it. It was still early before the concert and the most of early birds probably tried to fish out the boys from the back. You rushed to the door when you saw the guard walk out of it, scanning the area around. Shortening the distance to the entrance you felt more eyes focusing on you, sensing that familiar feeling of fear all over your body. That familiar feeling of being scared to get exposed. Your best advice you always gave yourself was to just lower your head and not look into anyones eyes and you chose to follow it by heart right this very moment. Regretting wearing something more than just casual clothes, you felt your appearance catch more concerned glimpses than it should’ve. 

“Hi, I guess you’re waiting for me.” you came up to the guard who was too tall for you to not raise your head up above. You tried to talk quietly because the area got seemingly quieter since the two of you began your interaction. 

“Your birthday?” he asked emotionless. 

“Hm…” you gulped and took a glance around quickly. “Can you bend a little?” you wondered if he found your request amusing but he did as you wished, allowing for you to call the date quietly. 

“Okay, come with me.” he bobbed his head and walked in direction of the entrance. Just as you got in, a slight turn to the right allowed your eyes to meet with Jaehyun that stood there quietly. 

“Hi.” you mumbled slapping yourself internally for sounding so lame. 

“Hello.” Jaehyun smiled sincerely, taking a step towards you to give you a quick hug, confusing you endlessly. “I thought Taeyong is going to send to you our driver.” 

“He wanted to, but forgot, and you know, normal taxis don’t just get to drive inside of domes.” you forced a smile and expected for him to walk towards the dressing room but he stood there looking at you. 

“You should’ve told me, i would’ve reminded him.” 

“It’s fine.” you smiled, coming up with something else you could tell him “so many people outside already.” your eyes ran over the corridor to not stare at him. “I guess they’re  excited to finally see you again.” 

“Yeah…” his hands touched his thighs while his back leaned against the wall. “Are you… okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s no big deal, I have legs.” you chuckled trying to act like you didn’t understand his question. 

“No, I meant in general. Are you okay?” he caught your gaze with his and forced you to stay still. 

“Yeah, what can be not okay?” you blinked and took a little step back trying to see his face better. Did Taeyong tell him something? You were ready to choke that skinny demon with your bare hands if he did. “Are you… okay?” you asked him back trying to make it seem as if it was a simple gesture of politeness, actually dying to see in his eyes the answer. 

“Could’ve been better, but work got me busy so maybe just a little better than bad?” he chuckled through pain and you could feel how he tried to break down the wall you built and come closer. “I..” he stuttered making you nervous and you hated hearing him being this way. You were scared shitless at what he could possibly want to say that made him so anxious. 

“Can you take me to Taeyong…?” you asked to cut him off. Standing one on one with him was making your head go dizzy even if there is dead silence between you two. 

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course, let’s go.” he moved quickly, making it hard for you to match the pace of his long legs. 

“You made it!” Taeyong’s voice caught your attention and helped you find him in the room full of men right as you entered it behind Jaehyun. Your eyes met with the hairdresser and you waved at Taeyong shyly deciding on not giving him a hug, hairdresser’s eyes kind of telling you to stay away and not ruin her work. 

“I’ll wait for you here.” you pointed with your finger and sat at the stool in the corner of the room. Taeyong simply nodded focusing his eyes back on his phone, playing a game, you assumed. 

Jaehyun moved his eyes from you the second you caught him staring, forcing his attention onto laughing Mark. Your eyes set on him while he was distracted, checking out the outfit he wore: his casual sweatpants and a hoodie your mom gave him for his birthday. You bit onto your lip unconsciously, forcing your inner self to move your eyes away before tears began to pour. You couldn’t help but wonder if he wore it regularly or he chose to wear it today to pull onto your strings. 

Blinking multiple times to enlighten your vision you finally noticed you sat right next to a rail full of their stage clothes. Your eyes ran from white costumes hanging closest to you to the ones with lots of rhinestones all over them. 

“Yuta, you’re next.” a girl with long hair and thick bangs said loudly, appearing next to you. Your eyes silently followed Yuta up until the moment he suddenly pulled his shirt off his body right in front of your face and you made a loud awkward gulp. Unexpected situations like that made you more startled than you wanted them to and the fact you had a mask on actually made you relieved, hiding the rosiness of your cheeks behind it. You wanted to move your gaze away but suddenly got caught up in the tattoos he had on his lower abdomen. When did he get them? Or did he always have them? You couldn’t work it out and couldn’t force yourself to look away either until the moment that white shirt that hung next to you covered his body. 

“Oh, Y/n?” you gave him a slight nod “hi!” 

“Hi.” you bowed shyly, finally moving your eyes away to the group of people sitting on the couch. Mark still laughed at whatever Haechan was saying, while Doyoung and Johnny discussed something that seemed to bother them terribly from the screen of one of the guys’ phone screen. Jaehyun’s eyes met yours and you couldn’t help but guess if he watched you stare at Yuta, he probably did. You looked over to the other corner of the room where Taeil and Taeyong were having their make up done in hopes of sending a SOS signal to your best friend but his gaze was focused on the phone completely making you distressed, watching his fingers move in distance from the reflection in the mirror. 

“Can you hold this?” Jaehyun’s voice forced your head to turn back around. “Actually, it’s cold out there you’ll probably need the hoody at the concert.” you stared blindly at him holding out a hoody with a sly smile on his face. “Or am I crossing something?” his face expression changed quickly into a concerned one when you didn’t react. 

“Oh, thank you.” you reacted too vividly belatedly, forcing half of the room look at you both. You could sense them knowing already the two of you broke up since the stares were literally burning a whole in you. “I’ll take it, thank you.” you stretched your lips in a thin line, taking it with both hands. You almost bowed at him reflexively but stopped yourself mid action trying to seem as if you’re just standing up to put it on, visibly reducing the distance between you two. 

“Jaehyun, put this on quickly.” you heard the same girl call out for him, constraining his attention to go on her. He moved quickly, still standing closer to you than you’d want him to, pulling the hem of his shirt up in the swiftest motion. Your entire system malfunctioned and him leaning behind you to lay the shirt on the rack didn’t help one bit. He probably implied on you moving to the side but how could you when your heart went in overdrive and your brain decided to go through all the times he took off his clothes in front of you, the freshets memory being not older than three months. Deep breathing was promised to help in stressful situations but the very moment you needed it to work you were getting no result. 

“Hey?” he asked concerned and leaned in more to you the moment he heard you take deep breaths in. “What’s up?” you couldn’t reply feeling yourself on the verge of tears. Your hormones suddenly felt like it’s time to regret every decision you made in the past months. Instantly every thought in your head went to taking your words back right there in the dressing room, asking him to forget you made him leave. You felt like breaking down in front of everyone, and while all these thoughts ran through your brain, your lungs began hyperventilating probably making it look like you were dying behind that stupid mask. Jaehyun moved his hands from the buttons of his shirt behind your ear, taking off the mask and helping you breathe. “What’s wrong?” he panicked visibly, forcing for you to sit back down. “Wait.” he flashed before your eyes to the table with food, grabbing a water bottle and shoving it into your arms the next second. “Drink it, did you ever feel anything like that before?” he kneeled before you, watching your throat bob every time you gulped on water. 

“No, I didn’t, I’m fine.” you forced a smile and pushed the bottle towards him. 

“Don’t act like we’re strangers. Literally three months ago you told me there’s no one else closer for you than me and now you’re almost chocking on air and the next minute I ask you what’s up - you’re fine.” his eyes searched for an answer you didn’t have for him. 

“You did that on purpose.” you furrowed your eyebrows. 

“Did what?” his eyes made you believe he didn’t know what you meant. You got a strong will to slap him for being too innocent, but more than that you just wanted to caress his rosey cheek. “You mean changing into stage clothes?”

“Oh, shut up.” 

“What?” he leaned in closer. 

“So you’re changing clothes right in front of me to get whatever reaction you want to get? Or what? If you’re thinking I’ll see your abs and fall in love with you once again, you’re stupid. This only happened because of my health condition.” you tried to talk slower to not seem mad. 

“What happened? Are you two fighting again?” Taeyong appeared next to the both of you and squatted next to Jaehyun right before he opened his mouth. 

“No. She’s just sick because of her health condition.” Jaehyun tried to make fun of you, it seemed. “Did you tell him? That you’re…” Taeyong looked at the two of you confused, drawing circles directed at his stomach with his pointing finger in the air and you almost raised your hand to punch him. 

“That she’s what?” Jaehyun turned around confused. 

“Oh, wait, you didn’t?” Taeyong jumped up and looked away. “Shit, I’m sorry. She got food poisoning, thats why she’s kinda Ill.” you closed your eyes and sighed. Did he really think Jaehyun’s going to buy what he said? If you had a food poisoning Taeyong would’ve made fun of you since the second you showed up, involving every single person he’d be able to. 

“Is that it?” Jaehyun’s fingers laid atop of your knee and you looked at him. 

“Your hand…” 

“I’m sorry.” he shook his head disapprovingly of his own action. 

“Take this too actually, I’m going to be fine.” you pushed the hoodie back into his arms. “I’ll drink something warm if it’ll be cold.” you smiled politely and stood up, getting into Taeyong’s embrace the next second. He murmured sweetly into your ear calming you down and your heart finally felt fine. He kept you occupied right up to the minute they had to go on stage. You stood quietly in the corner of the corridor, watching all 9 of them say their chants and get in the mood for the show. You waved them good luck as they left to their spots, catching Jaehyun’s body move towards you until he realised he shouldn’t. You wanted him to walk towards you too, you could not stand there and not reminisce on those rare times you kissed him quickly before he went to the stage, dying for the end of their performance to be able to hug him when your touch won’t mess up his stage appearance. 

Jaehyun stretched his arm towards you anyway when he walked past you and you shook it quickly with both of yours in support. The contact, the way his fingers hooked around yours and the way he held onto them for the longest time possible just made you realise how hungry you felt for him. How much affection from him meant to you and how badly you were in need of it. 

*

“The show’s insane.” you smiled widely at Taeyong when he appeared right next to you. 

“Wait, I’ll change, don’t go anywhere, okay?” his reply was quick and you guessed he was still busy. 

Time wasn’t flying while you waited, more likely it crawled like a dying snail, minutes barely changing in what felt like forever. You finally heard men walk in distance and your guess was right - someone was leaving the dome. Couple of minutes later, when it felt like everyone probably left by now, you heard quick steps and someone trying to match the walk. 

“Jaehyun, seriously, calm down.” you heard Taeyong’s voice the moment you were able to see them two run down the corridor towards you. “You’re not going to do any good for the both of you like that.”

“Why did you not tell me?” Jaehyun shouted when he was not more than two meters away from you. “Why the hell did you hide it from me?” he stood in front of you quicker than you wished, lowering his body above the chair you sat on, keeping his palms on the armrests for support. 

“What?” you furrowed your eyebrows at him. 

“Why did you hide from me that you’re pregnant?” he shouted out of breath and you felt pain. You knew the day he’d find out somehow would come but this wasn’t meant to be the so called day. 

“I-I…” his stare was expectant and furious. “Don’t look at me like that and don’t shout!” 

“Why did you not tell me we’re having a baby?” he ignored your words but his presence most definitely got lighter. He lowered the tone of his voice a little, still being as furious as ever. 

“There’s no we, Jaehyun. And there’s no baby either.” 

“Huh?” Taeyong chimed in from behind. “What you mean?”

“Did you lie to me?” Jaehyun turned to face his friend. 

“She…Wait, Y/n, did YOU lie to me?” Taeyong took a step closer to you confused. 

“I didn’t, I was… pregnant…” the two men stared at you bewildered. 

“Huh? You had a miscarriage or something?” Taeyong took another step to you visibly nervous. “Why you didn’t tell me?” 

“No, not that. I went through a termination.”

“You mean like abo…”

“Yes, this.” you didn’t let Jaehyun finish his sentence. 

“But why? When?” you knew Taeyong was confused like hell, three days ago the two of you were having a conversation about the month the baby was going to be born in and now you drop the news at him. 

“Today. That’s why I felt sick earlier. It’s really no big deal, you two shouldn’t be worried like that.”

“No big deal? No big deal? Are you kidding me?” Jaehyun pushed himself from you, walking in quick circles over the corridor. “What is wrong with you?” he stormed towards you with nothing but insanity in his eyes. 

“Hey, dude, calm down.” Taeyong caught him half way. “She’s probably feeling much worse than you do.” 

“She hid from me the fact that she’s pregnant, broke up with me and now when I get to know she’s pregnant, she says she got rid of my child? Without even telling me? Even a single message saying ‘hey, I was pregnant with your baby, but I’m getting rid of it tonight’ would’ve been better than finding out this way. And you think she feels worse? Seriously?” he breathed heavily and you couldn’t raise your eyes up from your knees in shame, watching warm droplets leave wet stains on your clothes. It hurt you terribly to hurt Jaehyun but there was no way back now. “Taeyong, let go of me, I’m fine, seriously, I swear.” Taeyong looked up Jaehyun, setting him free in a second. “I… do you not want to tell me anything? Look me in the eyes maybe? Not a single thing? Hm?” his body towered above you and you actually did raise your head to look at him but the contact didn’t last for more than five seconds because of Jaehyun. “You know, actually I don’t want to look at you. I can’t believe you did all of this. I thought you loved me the way I loved you. I… I can’t believe and I don’t want to believe. You’re making me sick.” he turned away on his heels quickly, running away. 

*

“I know Doyoung’s your best friend, but he isn’t mine. I’m not going to come, I’m sorry.” 

“Pretty please?” Taeyong whined over the phone. 

“You know everything is crooked, I’m not going to come to your place when Jaehyun’s totally going to be there.” you sighed, moving your eyes to another book on the shelf. 

“He actually wanted to talk to you, maybe you should come. You know, he’s been all upset these two months and told me he doesn’t feel good bout your last conversation, you should totally come.” you could hear the sound of his favourite PC game in the background. “Oh, sh…” he exclaimed randomly and went quiet. 

“Are you setting me up with him?”

“I’m not, you’re not a stranger to neither of us and Doyoung would like to see you, plus you do really need to get clean with Jaehyun. I’m not pushing but I know it’s something that could make you feel better…”

“I don…”

“No matter what the outcome is, y’all need to talk.” Taeyong cut you off. 

“Okay.” 

“You’re coming?”

“No, I’m just agreeing it’ll make me feel much better.” 

“Come then, I can come pick you up.” 

“Nah, just play your games.”

“I have to go buy cake anyway, you’ll gladly help me, I know it.” you could feel him smile through the phone. “This month is always insane.”

“Yeah.” you sighed into the phone. 

“Did you think about Jaehyun’s birthday?”

“What you mean?”

“Don’t know, maybe you were planning on a gift or something…”

“I wasn’t.” you said roughly. 

“Okay, okay. I was just thinking what I should get him.” the clicking of his mouse was all that you could hear for a while. “Where are you? I’ll pick you up and we’ll go to Paris Baguette or something.” 

*

“Did you tell Jaehyun I’ll come?”

“I did.” Taeyong nodded, resting his arm over your shoulders. 

“At least we know why he left, right?” you chuckled not knowing if you were glad or upset about it. 

“Maybe he has schedules or something? I can text him.” Taeyong moved his free hand to grab  his phone. 

“No don’t, I don’t care.” you looked him deep in the eyes and Taeyong bobbed his head in agreement. 

“Okay, you don’t.” his eyes ran over the room and you did the same. 

“I thought you meant there’s going to be a party or something.” you looked over the take out on the table. 

“It is low-key a party, isn’t it?” he chuckled making you question him. Doyoung himself wasn’t even home yet. Mark and Haechan sat on the other side of the room playing something on their phones. Yuta ran over the room once and the rest of the people that lived here were nowhere to be seen. 

“Where’s Doyoung?” 

“I didn’t ask him, it’ll be too sus to ask.” 

“And what if they’re having a party somewhere else?” 

“Doyoung will come, I know he knows I’ll buy him cake.”

“And the rest? Do they know?” 

“We’ll they might show up, I don’t know. I just asked you to come because I didn’t want you to be alone, not because there was a big ass party planned.” 

“Okay…” you sighed at him, picking up your chopsticks to munch on food. 

“Hey, Jaehyun texted me he’s with Doyoung.” Mark announced loudly and at the mention of your lovers name you felt like you had digestive problems. “They’re actually in front of the house.” 

“Jaehyun’s going to ruin it if he’ll come with him to our floor, text him.” Haechan exclaimed quickly. 

“He said he’s coming with him to pick up a hoodie from Taeyong.”

“Me? What hoodie.” 

“A fake one, obviously, Taeyong, use your brain.” you shook your head and put the chopsticks away, hearing Haechan’s distant giggles. 

“Okay, let’s hide.” he quickly dragged you behind the counter and ran over to the corner, lighting up the candles. The house was pitch black and a moment later you could hear the code being punched in. Doyoung’s giggle filled the room before he probably noticed it being dark. 

“Oh, no one’s here?”

“Maybe in their rooms.” Jaehyuns voice made you shiver. 

“Yeah.” Doyoung agreed before turning the lights on, forcing the 5 of you to jump out of your hide outs. You sang the happy birthday song together, quietly watching the boys hug for way too long, finally giving Doyoung a quick awkward hug and stepping back. They sat down and the unending blabbering party began. 

You blinked often and smiled with all of your strength as if you were engaged in the heated conversation they had to not focus your vision on Jaehyun that weirdly enough sat right across you, munching on the piece of cake for the past 30 minutes. He didn’t speak much but you could vividly hear him every time he laughed loudly at the jokes that were told. Your eyes fixated on his hand that held the fork, not believing the fact he was still torturing the chocolate goodness on the plate. You wondered how long would it take him to finally finish it off, when his head suddenly raised and caught you stare. He smiled at you fondly and you didn’t find anything better than to roll your eyes at him in reply. You felt stupidity of your action but you leaned back onto the couch, turning your head towards Taeyong more. 

“Guys, I’ll go.” Jaehyun sighed in what felt like not later than five minutes, placing the fork next to the still unfinished cake and stood up. “Doyoung, happy birthday once again.” 

“Why so early, Jaehyunah?” Johnny asked in his whiny tone.

“Suddenly felt like going to bed early tonight.” he smoothed out the jeans on his legs, grabbing the phone from the table to go. 

“Yeah, sure.” you chuckled annoyed, but more importantly disappointed. First and foremost disappointed in yourself for acting the way you did. The grown ups agenda seemed to not work out on your side the most and you couldn’t believe you were doing things the way you shouldn’t. 

“Are you two somehow learned to fight through telepathy?” 

“We never fought, what are you talking about?” 

“I’m not going to fight with you over this either.” Taeyong shook his head and turned away. 

*

“Hey, you’re bored?” Taeyong touched your shoulder when your hands reached for another piece of cake. “Can you do me a favour?”

“Sure.” you nodded and turned to face your friend properly. 

“Take the left overs to the other floor.” 

“Why me? Yuta’s going to go back there anyway.” 

“By the time he’ll go there will be nothing to take.” Taeyong’s eyes pointed at your plate. 

“You’re doing this on purpose?” 

“I’m not!” he whined suddenly “Just go and come back quickly. I still have to take you home.” 

“Fine.” you sighed and stood up. 

“Yo, I’m sorry. Could you get my hoodie? It should be on the couch.” Mark raised a hand at you as if he was talking to a waiter “If it’s not, then it’s totally fine. Someone probably took it to my room, don’t worry.”  

“Ugh, yeah, okay.” you said awkwardly and felt Taeyong shove the cake box into your hands. 

“Go.” he pointed at the door. 

“It’s green, by the way.” Mark shouted suddenly when you were at the door and you smiled at him awkwardly once again. 

Knocking on the door just in case, before entering the living room, you found it empty, sighing relieved. Maybe Jaehyun did plan on calling it a night early. This, only seemed like a good thing to you. 

Your feet quickly took you to the fridge that was right around the corner from the entrance of the apartment, placing the cake on one of the shelfs. Your plan was quick and simple: put the cake in the fridge and run away as if you never were there. You were half way to succeeding when the killing desire to eat the piece Taeyong took you away from won over and you brought the cake back out from the fridge, placing it on the table. Your fingers quickly got rid of the box, taking the piece and finally savouring the flavour when you heard a familiar melody. Your jaw moved slower and slower, until you stopped chewing completely, perching your ears up to hear the melody better. 

Instantly realising what the melody was, you stood up, not even bothering to clean up after yourself. Your feet took you to the source of that sound, knowing the path way too well. You stopped at the door, hoping to not disturb Jaehyun. The door was locked not letting you peek at the boy that was playing his keyboard behind the door. 

“Why are you playing this.” you whispered through greeted teeth, leaning against the wall next to the door. You breathed heavily, unconsciously placing your palm over your stomach. Closing your eyes, you tried to calm yourself down, get back to cake and leave to the party. Your brain glitched and you could put your life on it you could hear him sing even though you were damn sure he wasn’t in reality. The lyrics flowed through your head making last cells of sanity leave your brain. You fought with the urgent will to break in and smash the keyboard against the floor for him to stop playing the song. For him to stop messing with your mind like that. Messing with every decision you thought was right. 

*

You met Jaehyun years ago through Taeyong, obviously. He wanted you to meet the guy that he was head over heals for to be friends with, the kindest and funniest guy he ever met as he used to tell you all the time. You were thrilled but worried, for the most part. 

You wouldn’t name yourself a possessive person, or more accurately - you weren’t mature enough to recognise it within your system. You felt a sting in your heart ever since Taeyong got into that entertainment company. You knew being afraid he’d give you up unintentionally for someone else wasn’t healthy to start with, but you dismissed it as lack of human interactions on your side. You weren’t thinking low of Taeyong, you knew he wouldn’t dump you because you weren’t enough of a supportive and understanding friend or weren’t that good enough in general, but because being best friends with someone else that was able to be around you at most times was easier. You knew that and you knew it was only human nature, but previous encounters with your long forgotten friends made cold sweats run down your back and the talk of meeting the Jaehyun guy brought the stinging feeling back to your chest alongside fear. 

You wanted to let him know you knew Taeyong better, you wanted him to know you were better friend to him, than that guy could ever be. You tried your best to even erase his name from your brain, act like you never remembered what Taeyong said, maybe play pretend you didn’t expect a third wheel at your coffee break. Anything, to show that person that this territory is taken by a scary bitch he shouldn’t cross paths with. You planned on your way to meeting them how you’re going to be unaffected and pretentious. The traffic on your way gave even more spare time to spit your inner venom secretly on Taeyong’s new friend, making a very toxic brain cell of yours fixating on the fact he was younger, giving you a feeling you could tap on it. 

Everything you planned out began falling apart the moment you entered the cafe. The guy next to Taeyong looked fine and just that made you go in doubt with your own self. Taeyong waved at you enthusiastically right after his eyes fixated on you, motioning with his other hand in your direction for Jaehyun to see. The brown haired guy waved at you slightly too, smiling, making the dimples on his cheeks more visible as you stepped closer. You gasped and moved your eyes from him. He was nice and probably as sweet as Taeyong had described him. Maybe, even more sweet than Taeyong could ever describe him, your eyes ran over his figure, that was hiding behind the table once again. 

You watched Jaehyun’s long fingers wrap over the glass of iced coffee, catching the straw with his tongue and looked away disappointed once again. There wasn’t a single visible reason to hate him for, and the more time you spent at that cafe, the more it helped you to get even more convinced than before that he was flawless. 

Jaehyun slowly became a part of your life, much like Taeyong has been for the past eternity. He felt like a child that you and Taeyong had to raise, like a step-son you took partial interest in raising. You weren’t much older but the relationship built the maternal way subconsciously on your side and Jaehyun  never fought it. The two of you didn’t turn into the bestest of friends, Jaehyun didn’t become your third best friend expanding your circle. You just accepted his existence and played along whenever you had to interact, and that was that. You kind of went with the ‘keep your enemies close’ tactic and it seemed to work, keeping the biggest threat of your friendship with Taeyong under a microscope. 

And if it seemed to some around that your obsession with Taeyong was hidden under a crush, the two of you knew it was completely not that way. The first year you got in college you got in a relationship with a guy the name of which you liked to not say out loud anymore. It still felt like you did him dirty, like you betrayed him and quietly left, watched the love you had fall apart in pieces and then silently agree to break up. 

Keeping an eye on Jaehyun took so much time you found yourself falling out of love and out of relationship. Your boyfriend felt the switch turn and with that you just parted. Not painfully, you longed for him and felt his absence, but it didn’t last long. Later on you realised that he was one of the things you were used to and when he left you finally understood you were insanely scared to let go of things you were used to. Whether it was a plushy from your childhood, a plate you were given on your 10th birthday all cracked on its sides by now or a boyfriend you found yourself not even loving anymore, just being with him cause you were used to it. 

You were scared of Taeyong having other friends because you were used to being his only real friend. Jaehyun scared you because he was a threat that could push you from your warmed metaphorical seat. A constant in Taeyong’s life, you were scared to lose the title but the title didn’t matter at the end of the day. You were yet to understand that, but the road was paved the day you broke up with that guy. 

Taeyong’s life was changing drastically and the more time you spent apart, you went through constant fear, but every time he came back as attached to you as ever, you realised the fear was unreasonable. He loved you dearly, Taeyong wasn’t about to give you up just because you didn’t see each other for a week, he wouldn’t give your friendship up even if you didn’t see each other for months. He proved it insane amount of times and this too, helped your heart feel at ease. 

Accepting Jaehyun as no threat seemed to change your acceptance of his existence too. Jaehyun’s presence finally didn’t bother you in the way it used to and that alone helped you to understand him better, feel around him freer and maybe, for real this time, treat him like a friend. 

It wasn’t until you got your first job after graduating university, when the relationship between you and Jaehyun took a turn. 

While all your friends kept on sharing their stories of understanding and helpful bosses at their jobs, lovely first months of adaptation and support at work, you had absolutely nothing to add up to that. 

Your boss if not hated the guts of you, was really good at pretending he did so. A month later you snapped, you told him very blatantly that the way he interacted with you wasn’t pleasant in any way you’d look at it, and his constant nagging and pressuring you, even when the papers were utterly flawless, oppresses your mental health drastically. At the end of the day you were a newbie and that’s what’s been told on your resume, that’s what you spoke about at the interview. You were told you’ll be learned everything you might not know of the business, anything you could be struggling with. And, for a fair point, you weren’t even struggling with anything, except for relationship with your boss. 

He listened to you carefully, with no visible emotion on his still young face. For a split second you even thought he’ll consider your words for real, but the thought died quickly, when you saw his welcoming hand to follow him into his office. You stood there like a fool, afraid of speaking up. He took off his jacket and placed it on the backrest of his seat, sitting down and finally raising his eyes up to a standing you. 

“If I knew you’d do your job right, I wouldn’t have to stay until late to check up on everything you did during the day. You’re no special, if you’re thinking I’m giving you some sort of special treatment, your completely wrong. If you want to grow, earn experience, you should stop crying to your boyfriend every time I point out at the mistakes and flaws of your papers and presentations.”

“Mr. Kang, I don’t have a boyf…”

“I don’t care, I heard just enough of your crying over the phone for the past weeks. If you can’t take the job, you should’ve never come here. If you can’t do what you’re asked to do, then I’ll find you another job, good? If you’re weak brain isn’t used to things like that, it’s fine. There’s a job for everyone, you could switch to a coffee lady here.” 

“Mr. Kang, I did nothing wrong.”

“But you seem to struggle, aren’t you?”

“I’m not. I’m doing with my job just fine.” 

“Yeah, just fine and you’re supposed to be doing amazing. Maybe you should focus more on you job?” 

“I am, focused.” your breath hitched and he probably noticed by now that you were catching tears with your fingers. 

“That’s why women like you are so useless.” he sighed disappointed and looked away. You felt like someone threw a bucket of trash over your head, but still feared to move a foot to exit. “You’re free for today. Come back tomorrow either with a resignation paper or will to work. You get me?” you tried to catch your silent cries to finally be able to look at him and talk, but you couldn’t just yet “Jesus, just leave already, I’m not here to watch your ugly crying.” 

You turned around on your heels, running. You ran from his office to your table, taking your bag and leaving the office quicker than you thought was possible. Out of all mean things he said about you, the one resonated the most while you were escaping the building was the one about your ugly crying. You tried to hide your face with your palm even though you knew it wasn’t probably doing anything, all the surprised office workers stared while you ran. Taeyong wasn’t picking his phone up no matter how many times you called, making you pissed off. He probably was consumed in his PC once again, not even finding a second to look at the screen of his phone. You hissed through greeted teeth unpleasant words towards Taeyong after another missed call on his side, catching a taxi with your free hand. With a loud click of your tongue you made up your mind to go to the dorms. He couldn’t be anywhere else. 

When you were set free for the day, it already was half past four, and by the time you got to the dorms the sun was already setting. First aftershocks and a strong feeling of humiliation had passed and by the time you knocked on the door of the apartment, you were so tired you just wanted to fall asleep on Taeyong’s bed to the sound of clicks of his computer mouse. 

“Oh, hi?” a guy you never saw before opened the door. His eyes ran over your body and landed back on your face. “How did you get here?” 

“Excuse me?” you asked confused “I’m Taeyong’s friend, Y/n.”

“Y/n?” the guy seemed to remember your name from somewhere. 

“Yes. Taeyong doesn’t answer my calls, I came here because I need to see him. Can I come in?” 

“Ugh, he’s not home. Are you… are you for real Y/n? Just making sure, because girls come up here sometimes trying to come in under different pretexts.” 

“Do they come up here crying and saying they’re Taeyong’s friends?” 

“No, I’m sorry. I do believe you but he still isn’t home.” They guy looked apologetic and you had no other option than to believe him. 

“The only time I needed him he suddenly fleets from his room.” you mumbled under your breath, turning to run down the stairs without even saying goodbye. 

“I think he’ll be back soon, you could wait for him.” the boy shouted but you already were down one flight of stairs to turn back and come in. 

Instead, you sat down on the bench a couple of meters away from the entrance. Maybe the guy was right, and Taeyong will be home soon, you could just wait here. Or, at least, if he’s not coming back until you’re freezing on this bench to death, you could at least regain a bit of your energy, to be able to take your drained body home. The weird silence of the street and insanely paced train of thoughts in your brain made your heart feel uneasy. You could feel your palms sweat just at the thought of coming back to work tomorrow. You called Taeyong once again, meeting with silence and even higher panic levels. You could almost feel your phone slip out of your clammy hands, dropping it onto the bench to wipe your palms against the pants you wore. 

Being left alone totally, most definitely wasn’t the nicest of things after you were named things you never thought you will be named, after being stomped like that cause of nothing by your boss. You tucked your feet closer to your body, wrapping your arms around, to not let them fall back to the ground. Propping your head on the backrest you looked up to the sky in weak attempts to pass the time. Watch the sky and finally hear Taeyong’s steps getting to the entrance. But he wasn’t anywhere near, and his steps didn’t bother your hearing. It was pretty quiet and the only sound was made by your sobs that suddenly began to increase. You couldn’t sense the moment tears began flooding your ears again, just the feeling of warm trails turn into cold ones as the autumn breeze hit your skin brought you back to your feelings. You just couldn’t understand why people had to be so cruel. You did nothing wrong and injustice of the world only made the tears come out harder. 

“Hey, Y/n, is that you?” you shoot your head to look forward, wiping the stains of tears as quickly as possible, as if it was the only trail of your crying. 

“Ugh, Jaehyun, hi.” you chuckled awkwardly and sat even more back down onto the bench. 

“Are… are you okay?” he asked and his voice kinda broke, still standing far away from you. 

“Yeah, I was just waiting for Taeyong, it’s fine.” you gestured with your hand that you were fine and only then Jaehyun took a step closer to you. 

“Is he not home?”

“Nuh-uh, went somewhere. It’s fine though, I’ll wait for him here, you can go.” you mastered a smile to reassure him but it seemed to not work. Jaehyun placed his body next to yours, resting his back on the backrest of the bench. You held your breath expectant of what he’ll say to you, what he’ll want to know or what he’ll do, but he just sat quietly. You didn’t dare to turn your head and look at him because you most definitely would feel awkward to look at him with your puffy, red from crying face. 

“I know we’re not close, but if you need a shoulder to cry on right now, I won’t hesitate to give you one. You don’t even have to explain to me what’s up. If you don’t want to, we can just quietly wait for Taeyong here.” you took a loud hitched breath as if you were about to speak, but no words came out of your mouth.

“My boss is a bastard.” you could feel Jaehyun’s eyes fix on your back after you spoke, expecting for him to reply back anything, but he was probably allowing for you to say what you found important to share. “He said I should be a coffee lady instead, because I’m useless and not focusing on work enough.” you found yourself crying once again, making all those words come through your body. Jaehyun’s warm palm landed on your back, caressing it in soothing motion. This probably was the first physical contact you have ever had with him, you never even gave hugs to each other when you met, you just waved and it seemed like enough. But this encounter just made you want more of the contact, and not specifically with Jaehyun, but with anyone who would be able to give you a hug and caress your hair until you cry out all the tears that were there. 

“Men like that are probably dissatisfied with their own lifes and are trying to build younger people they have power over the same way.” your head snapped to watch Jaehyun’s face expression. It was emotionless, he looked like he didn’t care and this, weirdly enough, made you calmer. 

“Did you mean it? That you won’t hesitate to give me your shoulder to cry on?” you scanned his face and he nodded, tapping lightly with his fingers on his shoulder next to yours, as if inviting you to it. 

“But why would he say any of that? Out of the blue?” Jaehyun asked carefully, caressing your head, while it rested against his shoulder. Practically your entire body rested against his, with your folded knees falling over his thighs, when you changed your sitting arrangement to get his body under yours. Jaehyun’s other hand held your shoulders, and if someone passed you two by, you looked like two lovers glued to each other. 

“He’s always been like that, but today he was extra picky with everything, when I asked him a single question he snapped and shouted, I told him it distresses me and then he began his rant.”

“Did you cry in front of him?” Jaehyun’s hand stopped moving and you raised your head to look him in the eyes and nodded. “Don’t cry, if he says something next time, he shouldn’t see you weak. He probably feeds off of your crying.” 

“I wasn’t planning on breaking down in front of him anyway, especially now after he called me an ugly cryer as well.” you moved your head down suddenly feeling self conscious of looking at Jaehyun this close. You wiped your falling tear with your fingers, wrapping your hands around your body. 

“Hey…” Jaehyun sighed to catch your attention and raise your head back to look at him, but you ignored his little hail. Jaehyun’s fingers moved from your head onto your cheek, they moved slowly, ever so lightly, your skin almost not being able to feel them, but how could you not, when his motions suddenly became too intimate for your sanity. Jaehyun’s fingers laid atop of your jaw, while his thumb drew tiny circles over your cheek. You couldn’t catch if he was being, actually, affectionate, or if your tired brain took a friendly gesture elsewhere. “Will you not look at me?” he chuckled when you, trying to work out what was going on, took too long. “I will kiss you without your consent if you won’t raise your eyes at me.” your eyes quickly found Jaehyun’s to see if he was joking, and he seemed to be not. “I should’ve said that I like you before I said this thing about the kiss, right?” he chuckled and moved his head as if disapproving of his own self. 

“Are you saying this just because I told you my boss called me ugly?” 

“No… but kinda yes, I mean…” He rumbled and you found it cute. He seemed nervous and this at least hinted that he was honest. “I kind of wanted to protest and say that you’re insanely beautiful, but this probably would sound weird and I thought I should tell you first that…” Jaehyun’s fingers stopped moving, his brain being too preoccupied with turning words into sentences. 

“Maybe you should’ve kissed me without explaining it much.” you interrupted him, trying to hide a smile that shone over your lips with a smirk. 

“But can I?” his eyes got wider as if he didn’t expect this kind of reply from you. You raised one of your hands that’s been laying over your stomach for too long now, quietly hooking it over Jaehyun’s neck as a call to action. 

“You can.” you whispered in reply, when Jaehyun’s head moved towards yours. You closed your eyes when you could feel Jaehyun press his lips against yours, and you kissed him back - deeply and slowly. Your other hand was gripping onto Jaehyun’s cheek to pull his mouth closer to yours, pin his body against yours more. His tongue found yours and suddenly you found yourself craving for way much more than what he asked for. Asking him to sleep with you would probably scare him away, if you were him, you’d think that you wanted to put the stress and frustration away with sex, and you didn’t want him to think that. You didn’t want him to do anything that would make him dislike you, suddenly the fleeting feeling of finding him attractive ran through your stomach. You pulled back first and wiped the lipstick stains off his lips. Jaehyun watched you silently, catching your fingers with his, when you wanted to drop your hand back onto your lap, and hooked it over his neck once again. 

“And can I kiss you once more?” his whisper landed on your lips, not asking for any answer, as his lips covered yours. 

*

This, was a terribly bad idea. When the guy at the dorm said Taeyong wasn’t home, you should’ve caught a taxi and get back home. This, didn’t seem like a good thing, more, like a start of something wrong, you thought to yourself, when you sat at the office next week, still in doubt if you should tell Taeyong what happened or not. 

“My dear miss Y/n.” you heard a familiar voice from above of your cubicle, raising your head to see Mr. Kang. “Not enough tasks to keep you occupied for the whole day? I’d rather you check up on those papers you give to your seniors, than stare blankly into the screen of your computer. You know, it’s not that much I’m asking of your little brain.” 

“Mr. Kang, of course, I’ll check my papers carefully before giving them to you.” you bowed in your seat and put on a smile, wishing for him to go. As if he read your thoughts, your boss turned around noiselessly and began walking away. 

“You better are, bitch.” you swore to god you heard him mumble, gasping and standing up in your seat. The loud noise of the wheels moving probably made it sound as if you fell off your stool and he turned around. “Y/n? What’s wrong?” he looked at you expressionless for a split second making you believe you were hallucinating. 

“Did you…” you wanted to ask directly if he called you a bitch, but this probably would attract even more attention of your co-workers. “Did you say, anything, sir? I think I might’ve not heard you correctly.” 

“Oh, miss Y/n, I didn’t, you might be starting hearing things. I guess, the stress is really getting the best of you.” he pursed his lips, and turned on heels, raising eyebrows and left. 

*

 Your eyes were running between windows on the building you stood in front of. You doubted and shifted from one foot to other, looking at the screen of your phone and then hiding it back in your pocket. 

You were distressed. Distressed because you were sure your boss called you a bitch but you had nothing on you to prove it. Distressed, because there wasn’t a single evening since the day Jaehyun kissed you, that you haven’t thought of him. You haven’t talked to him, either, but this, wasn’t that much of a surprise to you. You’d feel more pressured if he suddenly began texting you non-stop, pressing and invading your inner peace. You two probably needed to talk everything out somehow, but the nature of your relationship didn’t really give you a chance to do so.

You said ‘fuck it’ and brought your phone back out. Your fingers quickly found Jaehyun’s name in the phone book, running your eyes through the dead chat for the 100th time for the past 10 minutes. The last message there was from two months ago. You asked Jaehyun, if Taeyong was at home, and his simple ‘idk’ was the very end of your conversation. 

to:Jaehyun 

“are you home?”

You hit send and regretted it immediately. He probably won’t see the message now and will text you hours later when you’ll be already home. It’ll only make things more awkward in the future, when you’ll have to tell him something, anything. You should’ve called and asked him over the call, but now calling and texting would make you look desperate for his attention, and you hated to seem desperate. You swore under your breath and turned to walk away, when your phone vibrated. 

from:Jaehyun 

“yeah” 

to: Jaehyun

“d’you think you could come outside?”

from: Jaehyun 

“give me a minute” 

You read the notification, locking your phone and focusing your vision on the entrance. You felt your heart beat in your ears and you hoped  it’ll stop before Jaehyun shows up in front of you or you might pass out. Soon enough, a figure was visible through a glass door, not even guessing, you knew it was Jaehyun. When his eyes were able to spot you and his hand reached out for the door, you walked in his direction. More likely you stormed in his direction, stopping on your tracks, when he was a couple of steps away. 

“Did something happen?” he looked at you confused. 

“Yeah.” you nodded and raised your arms to wrap over his shoulders, forcing Jaehyun to bend his back to get his face closer to you. “And only you can make me feel better.” his eyes watched your lips move and when you stopped talking, he let you move his face even closer and lock your lips. Jaehyun’s fingers gripped your waist, keeping you in place, and you weren’t really sure now who was taking over the kiss. You found your hands over Jaehyun’s cheeks, when he pushed you away slightly, pecking your lips to let you breathe. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” his grip on your waist loosened, making you wish he gave you a hug. You nodded and Jaehyun let you go, initiating a walk near their dorm. 

*

to: Jaehyun

“do you think, we could see each other?”

You texted Jaehyun nonchalantly. Your messaging history with him seemed to get more active than before, since the last time you asked him to come out wasn’t more than a week ago.

You stared at your phone, biting onto your lip. It was midday, he probably was asleep, at least, that’s when Taeyong usually was barely awake and you guessed that’s what everyone at their dorm did.

 You might’ve cried through the whole night after leaving work around midnight last night, after one more ugly rant of your boss, but you were not planning to admit that to anyone. You took a sick leave and didn’t want to give any fucks about what would he think of your sudden sickness. You wanted to see Jaehyun and get his help on releasing your stress, and maybe, most likely, you wanted him to do more than just kiss you, and lack of reply on his side made you more frustrated than you would like it to. 

from: Jaehyun

“it’s alarming, you know that?” he texted you back later on. 

to: Jaehyun

“wdym”

from: Jaehyun 

“stress levels at your work are alarming.” you chuckled at his reply, biting onto your lower lip to think of reply. 

“we can, though.”

“I’m out of the dorm, so just tell me where you’d like to meet.” 

to: Jaehyun 

“think you could come up to mine like now?” 

from: Jaehyun

“I thought you’re at the office” 

to: Jaehyun 

“I took a sick leave”

“I got sick and tired thinking of you and not being able to have you by my side.” you re-wrote the message 10 times, making your insides do a flip. This, kinda took you somewhere else, somewhere where you weren’t just asking Jaehyun for kisses to release stress. 

from: Jaehyun 

“okay”

“your address?” his response seemed too dry for your own liking and you hated yourself internally for letting him know you were thinking of him like that. 

You sent the address and dropped the phone onto the couch. He should’ve replied differently, and the thought sat in your brain until you heard another notification. 

“by the way, I got sick and tired thinking of you and not being able to have you by my side months ago.” he sent and you froze. You kind of erased his sudden confession out of your brain, not because you didn’t take it into account, but because Taeyong still had no clue about all this, and because kissing for a couple of times in a grown up world wasn’t meant to mean much, right? 

It didn’t mean to mean much, but it did for Jaehyun already, and maybe, probably did for you too.

You felt heaviness in your chest while you waited for him to come. You knew that it was there because you wanted to feel his lips on yours, run your fingers through his hair, feel his fingers on your cheek. Your breath hitched when he pressed on the door bell and you ran, but then paused before the door to not seem like you were desperate, once again. You gave yourself a promise to keep yourself collected and pushed the door open. Jaehyun stood there in a black jean jacket, with his fringe tucked behind a black cap. His hands were in his pockets, scanning your figure that was still wearing pyjamas. 

“Hi.” You smiled and walked to the side, inviting him to come. “We don’t really greet each other, do we?” you chuckled and watched him undo his converse. 

“Yeah.” he nodded and stood back up, looking around. “Hi.” Jaehyun took off his jacket, revealing to you that he’s wearing a black t-shirt, and held it in his hands, before you reached out and hung it by the door. Jaehyun stood quietly and watched your every motion. Suddenly you realised that maybe kissing was your own very special way of killing the awkwardness of being one on one and you should’ve not held back and just kissed him. “Something happened, right?” you looked at the floor, being ashamed of the whole idea of calling him over in the first place. “I mean, we don’t really talk to each other if it’s not you willing to release stress through kissing.” your body felt heat at the hint in Jaehyun’s voice that you were using him. You knew it more than he did, he didn’t need to hint it to you. You used him because you were afraid to admit you liked your best friends friend, and you used him because he was the one who allowed all of it. He was the one who kissed you first. 

You slowly walked towards him, still not being able to look Jaehyun in the eyes. Stretching your arms towards his, you forced him to hug your waist and he locked his arms around you tightly, closing the space left between your bodies in a second. Your fingers slowly crawled up his chest and he let you kiss him, deeply as ever. He bit your lip and a moan escaped your throat, when Jaehyun’s fingers dug into your side. 

“I want to lie down, let’s go to my bedroom.” you whispered in his mouth and he agreed quickly, allowing for you to take the lead. You sat down with your back to your headboard and Jaehyun sat facing you. Your fingers strolled up his thighs until they got way too close to his centre and you moved them back onto his shoulders, so you could support yourself getting your body on top of one of his thighs. Jaehyun’s hand held your faces close to each other, and when you tried to reach out for him first, his lips caught you midway and crashed against yours. He roughly pressed your body against your headboard by your shoulder and you whimpered. Did he plan on taking this somewhere else too? You guessed he did, if what he said about wanting you was true. You slid fingers down his stomach and there’s a small clashing of tongues because he’s startled. His body stiffened and whatever he focused on, helped you to take full reign of the kiss. You stuck your tongue out, letting a trail of saliva still connect you as he moved his head back. Your fingers moved past the band of his jeans and you squeezed his member through thin material of the skinny’s. He gasped and you moved your lips to the column of his neck, squeezing his member rhythmically.

Jaehyun seemed to recollect himself, grabbing onto your hand and pushing it away. “So this, is how things are going to go?” you thought if he meant to ask if you really were implying on sex or not and chuckled. 

“If you have any preferences I’ll gladly take them into account.” you chuckled and tried to move his face closer to yours. 

“I didn’t mean this. I’m asking, if this is how we’re going to be, me and you. If the only connection we’re going to have is when you need me to release your stress. Starting with kisses, now sex. I kissed you because I was dying to. We kissed once more and I thought this will change you towards me but now I just cant shake the feeling off that I’m being used.”

“Speak to Taeyong.” you simply stated. 

“About us?” he asked after thinking of what you said. 

“Yes. Tell him.”

“And if he’s fine with us, what’s then?”

“Then, just love me.” you chuckled at him and leaned in to peck his lips. “I’m already thinking of you all the time, so you don’t have to worry I won’t love you back.” Jaehyun watched your face expressions change. “I hate confessions, why are you keeping quite for so long.” you chuckled and hid your face on his chest, feeling Jaehyun’s hands wrap around your body and making the two of you fall down on the bed. “Can you stay? For a while, or will you go back to talk to Taeyong?” you raised your head and looked him in the eyes, running your thumb over Jaehyun’s lower lip. 

“I’ll tell him later, okay?” you smiled happily and kissed his lips. “You’re obliged to go on a date with me now, by the way.” 

*

“What’s up?” Jaehyun picked up quickly your call “Oh, baby.” he gasped immediately after hearing your sob through the phone. 

“I’m fine.” you said as you wiped tears off your cheeks “I just called to say I won’t be able to see you before you leave. I’m probably staying at work till midnight.” 

“Please.” he sighed into the phone and you couldn’t pick up if he was mad because you couldn’t say goodbye properly. “I’ll come to your office.” 

“What? No, no. They could recognise you, Jaehyun.” 

“I’ll wait for you outside the building. I’ll be there in 40 minutes, okay? Will you be able to come down?” 

“I will no matter what.”

“Good.” he smiled as he spoke and you could hear it through the phone. “I can’t wait to see you.” 

“I, too.” you breathed into the phone loudly trying to calm down when Jaehyun hung up. Being at the office was shitty either way you looked at it and you walked outside way before the meeting time, sitting on the bench with no backrest, and hating every person who thought placing such benches was a good thing to do. 

You spotted Jaehyun’s figure out of the car immediately, his long legs, highlighted with skinny black jeans he used to wear all the time back then, ran towards the building. A cap was sitting deep on his head, running so no one could see his face. He raised it only when he reached you and you almost gasped at how teenagely innocent he looked for his age. Months later, introducing Jaehyun to your parents, your mom asked awkwardly if Jaehyun was of age and you would never forget how hardly you laughed at that question. 

“My ugly crier.” he cooed whispering, for you only to hear and squatted before your sitting figure, cupping your cheek as he sat down. You smiled but felt like crying again. Not because of the nickname, but because Jaehyun was about to leave the city for a little while, because even though the nickname ‘ugly crier’ was filled on his side with affection and humour, you knew he called you that, because no matter how many times he begged you to quit the job that made you cry, you protested. He put his own frustration in that nickname and you understood that and never held it back against him. “Why is he keeping you hostage?” Jaehyun’s hand laid on your neck and you almost slid from the bench to your knees on the ground to be on the same level as he. 

“Because I asked if I could leave 30 minutes early.” 

“Fucking ba-“ 

“Jaehyun-ah.” you placed your palm over his lips.

“I can’t ask you to quit this shitty place anymore” he sighed even more distressed than you are. You knew this gave him so much stress too that he couldn’t deal with atop of dealing with his own work problems. “Baby, I beg you. For me, for us, if you don’t want to do this for your own peace of mind, do it for mine. If you’ll quit, I’ll do everything in my power to take you with us on tour. We’ll get to travel the US, together. Please? I don’t want you to stay here, crying on your own when neither i or Taeyong can be around. Please, Y/n. I can’t leave you in this state.”

“And how are you imagine this? Where am I going to get money, if I’m going to mindlessly travel the US for a couple of months? Who’s going to pay my rent?” 

“I’ll work this all out, I promise. You’ll find a better job once we’ll be back. God knows what will happen next year. Maybe we’ll have even less time together than now. I would never ask you to drop your career for me but this place is ruining your nervous system. We’ll take this as a break, okay?” you nodded without even resisting him for a second. “You agree?” Jaehyun asked confused. “After all those months of asking you just agree with me in a minute?” he chuckled amazed. 

“You should’ve just begged earlier.” you smirked at him and Jaehyun gasped, pulling your head closer for a kiss. Your head collided with his cap, forcing for it to fall back onto the ground. You chuckled through the kiss and let go of him so he could put it back on. “And what if they’ll not allow for me to tag along?” 

“I’ll pay for your stay.” he said immediately, making you chuckle at his little, or not so little, flex. 

You felt like that year was indeed the best year of your life. You knew that quitting that job would be a pleasure, but quitting the job and getting a chance to travel with your boyfriend and best friend at the same time felt ecstatic. You felt happy and free, free of any duties and responsibilities, enjoyed your life and hadn’t had a single thought about what awaited for you back home. 

Taeyong beat into your head that being financially dependent on your boyfriend is not a crime and you are allowed to do it, especially when the boyfriend wanted to do it for you and when he did it willingly for you. At the end of the day you knew, that once you’re back home you’re looking for a job no matter what. 

But pandemic hit little before you could finally find it, and the company put hiring on pause, and you found yourself locked up in one room with Jaehyun for way too many days in a row. 

Pandemic hit and you found yourself cling onto Jaehyun way more than you wanted yourself to, and it wasn’t even about finance. This was an emotional cling, to an extent where you called him crying, when he had to leave you completely alone for two weeks cause of quarantine. 

“Jaehyun-ah.” 

“You’re breaking my heart every time you cry.” his eyes visibly saddened at the picture he saw on his screen. 

“I love you.” 

“Baby, I do love you too. When I’m allowed to, I’m running back to you.” 

“But I need you now. Can’t I sneak in? I’ll spends those two weeks with you, I have nothing to do if you’re not around.”

“I love you and I love how attached you are to me, but I think we should be able to go through a quarantine without tears, okay?” you nodded and blinked at him. 

“You attached me to yourself completely and now you’re saying that I should be able to go through this without tears. How am I going to do that?” 

“What are my options? I have to calm you down.” he smiled lovingly and you looked away for your own good.  

“I hate you.” you sighed into the phone and dropped your head on the pillow. “Maybe I should’ve stayed on that job.”

“Don’t overthink this. It’s already been over a year.”

“Yeah, a year.” you showed your face back on the phone. “My happiest year.” 

“Mine, too. It’s not like I’m not attached to you, too, it’s not like I’m not dying to be right next to you too, you know that.”

“Maybe we’re too codependent?” you asked and Jaehyun shook his head a no. 

“We’re just deeply in love. If the feeling goes away I guess we’re going to get into routine.”

“But I can’t breathe if you’re not around.”

“Then this will be a great opportunity for the both of us to lay back a little.”

You agreed on laying back, agreed that maybe personal space was still a thing even when you were in a relationship. 

*

“Have you two considered moving together? Since you know, Jungwoo is at the dorm all the time and stuff.” Taeyong sat across you and Jaehyun, looking more like an investigator than a friend. 

“Have we?“ Jaehyun’s eyes scanned your face expression with a little smile.

“No, and we won’t.” you shook your head and dropped your back against the seat. 

“No, my little angels are in a fight?” Taeyong widened his already big eyes. 

“Not in one that I’m aware of…?” Jaehyun ran his eyes around confused and moved his hand onto your thigh, that you gladly covered with your palm. Taeyong’s phone rang and he jumped up.

“Oh, Baekhyun hyung is waiting for me on the server, I’m sorry.” you could only see the back of his head disappear before you could reply. 

“Did I upset you somehow?” Jaehyun flexed his fingers under your hold. 

“I wonder how you could do that.” you smiled at him and scrunched your nose, smooching his cheek with a loud sound. 

“Then it’s just a matter of principles?” 

“You never said before you wanted to live with me.” 

“I thought it’s an obvious next step in our relationship. We kind of been together for a while.” Jaehyun watched how you bent his fingers one by one back and forth. 

“You might need a reality check, baby.” you chuckled and finally looked back at him, biting your lower lip. 

“Huh?”

“Did you by any chance forget what you’re doing for a living?” 

“I didn’t-“

“Then why are we even talking about this?” you smiled with the smile you knew he hated so much. Getting on his nerves wasn’t something you wanted to do. 

“Should we talk about this?” 

“I maybe should go home.” Jaehyun’s gaze changed and you knew you hurt him. You stood up and walked over his stool, hugging his shoulders from the back. “I know you have a schedule tomorrow.” you pecked his cheek once again. 

“I don’t fucking care about the schedule when you’re acting like you’re my mom and I’m a clueless child.” Jaehyun grabbed your wrist and pushed you softly off his back, holding on to the stool with his other hand and turning around to face you ”Well, yeah, I am clueless why you said that we won’t consider moving in, but I’m not a child and you can talk to me if there’s something in between us that I didn’t notice.” 

“I don’t want to be like this.” you pouted and ran your finger over his shoulder. 

“Like what?” he caught your finger and held onto your palm. 

“I don’t want to live like I stand a chance…” you looked at Jaehyun’s face for a split second, catching his focused gaze on you, chewing onto his lower lip nervously. “Like I stand a chance against your job.” Jaehyun gasped loudly when you finished your sentence. 

“You know that I won’t put you-“ 

“I know, Jaehyun, I know, but I don’t want you to be like this. Once everything gets back to normal, you’re going to start travelling again, be even more busy. I’m not going to follow every one of your steps, it’s wrong. It’s like I don’t have a personality and once you’ll feel like it too we’ll fall apart. It’s inevitable, it’ll happen sooner or later anyway. If we’re moving in together I’m going to come into that place and cry, cry every time I’ll come back home and will realise that you’re not coming back too, because you’re in Tokyo or in Los Angeles, or somewhere else, I don’t know where else you could be going. It’ll be painful and I don’t want to be in any more pain than this. I already am in enough pain every time I realise we are not forever.” your fingers subconsciously squeezed Jaehyun’s. 

“No.” 

“I never said this because I knew you won’t like this reality, I don’t like it too.” 

“No.” he stood up, towering in front of you. His hand let go of yours, taking your face into his arms instead. He stood closer, not giving you a chance to look away, letting you sink in the pained look on his face. 

You swore on your own self for replying that way to Taeyong, it wasn’t really the time to have a reality check. You couldn’t remember the time you fought with Jaehyun last, usually you’d be on Cloud 9 in his presence and only get the saddening thoughts while being left alone and by the time Jaehyun was around you again, you’d get so overwhelmed there wasn’t a chance for you to feel anything except for flapping of butterflies inside of your stomach. “You’re not right and I am sure of it.” he began talking fiercely, quickly changing the manner by the end of the sentence. “Why you never told me you were hurting?” his thumb made soothing motions over your cheek. 

“Because when you’re here it’s all good, Jaehyun.” you crawled your hands onto his waist and pulled yourself closer to his warm body. “Now it’s going to be all good too.” You whispered almost into his lips, allowing for him to do that last move of his neck to lay his lips atop of yours. 

“I want a family with you.” he didn’t even kiss you properly before the words left his mouth. “Not now, in the future. We could work it all out, I know it’s not something I can do - being with you all the time right now, but at least I could try. I want to try being with you even if it seems like I can’t.”

“Not now because you know deep down you can’t drop everything?” you smirked, not in a cruel way, just as a statement of a fact. 

“Maybe that too…” he sighed. 

“I love you.” you blabbered when his words died. “That’s why I would never want you to drop the job that’s making you happy. That’s why being a family is not an option now or five years later. Maybe I’m weak or maybe I’m selfish? Or maybe you are selfish for asking me to suffer.”

“Don’t call being with me suffering, I love you.” 

“I know you do, but… I guess I never realised in what fucked up thing I got myself, and I couldn’t realise for a very long time. And now I’m left with hating you and loving you at the same time.”

“So you do for real hate me?” Jaehyun looked concerned. You couldn’t work out if he took your words seriously or not.

“Only a little, when you’re purposefully taking too long on making me cum.” you said loudly to put an end to that ongoing conversation. 

“What are you saying.” Jaehyun’s shy smile brought his dimples out and your heart finally began beating again, making that bad aftertaste of the previous conversation hide away. 

“Are your ears turning pink?” you chuckled and raised your arm to touch them. “They’re totally pink and warm.” you chuckled at him, feeling him drag you to his room. “I didn’t know you were shy of me.” 

“Yuta is behind that door.” he hissed and pointed at the door that was a meter away from you two. You widened your eyes and now full on laughed. “Are you possessed or something?” he kept on hissing, dragging you to his room. 

“I’m sure he heard me moan your name before.” Jaehyun’s hands finally opened the door, and he quickly locked it behind him, pushing you onto his chest. You gladly hugged his neck, when his lips suddenly began hungrily kissing yours. “He might as well hear me moan now.” you mumbled as Jaehyun’s hand traveled down your back, squeezing your butt.

“Shut up.” his lips moved onto your jaw, leaving a trail of open mouthed kisses down to the column of your neck. 

“Usually you ask for moans instead.” 

“Oh god.” he gasped annoyed, making his tongue lick through your collarbone afterwards. You whimpered and Jaehyun’s head raised up to look at you. 

“What?” you chuckled and pulled him in by his hair. 

“I can’t promise that I’ll drop my job for you. I know you wouldn’t believe me, I wouldn’t believe myself either, because it is most likely a lie. And I do realise you wouldn’t ask for that in the first place.” you nodded, caressing his cheeks. “But I’m going to ask you to give me time. Because I know with time everything I want with you is going to be more possible.” 

“Why are you so sure of it?” you shook your head in disbelief and chuckled. 

“I know my seniors and I know their secrets.” he said too seriously. 

“I trust you.” you smiled and tried your best to really trust him. Trust him that all the love you poured out won’t just go to waste one day.

*

“Fuck. Fuck. Taeyong I’m FUCKED.” you cried into the phone. 

“What?” he was confused but didn’t pay too much attention to your cries. Once in a while you called him with something similar regarding your newly found job, but you usually didn’t act that dramatic for him to get too used to it. 

“I can’t talk over the phone.”

“You committed a crime and want me to help you cover it?” he joked lamely. 

“Get up and come to the cafe we were at last week.” 

“The one where you threw up in the bathroom?” he giggled into the phone but heard no laugh in reply.  “Okay, it’s not that funny, I’m sorry.” 

“Will you come or not?” you sighed tiredly, hearing Taeyong pause his game. 

“Of course I will. When?”

“Now. I’m going to leave now.”

“Okay, but everything’s fine, right? Nothing too serious I should worry about?” he suddenly spoke quieter and slower. 

“I don’t know but nothing to be worried about for you for sure.” you hung up before he could say something back and left your place. The cafe was actually quiet far to walk to, but knowing that it’ll take a while for Taeyong to get there you just kept on walking. 

“What happened? I literally ran out in my pyjamas.” Taeyong plopped on the couch and breathed heavily. 

“Don’t shout at me, okay?” 

“You cheated on Jaehyun?”

“What?” you cackled shocked but then suddenly thought that maybe it could’ve been a better problem. 

“Thank god it’s not this.” he sighed relieved and dropped back onto the backrest.

“So you think I’m a cheating type of person?” You raised your eyebrows at Taeyong.  

“No, I don’t think that. I just thought it because you wanted to tell me and not him. Go on, tell me what happened?” 

You paused for a minute or, actually, maybe two, watching him take your glass of water to drink. You didn’t actually want him to choke, but he was being slow and you couldn’t keep your hand behind the table anymore so you just dropped it in front of him. “What? What are you trying to show me? That’s a proposal ring?” he pointed at your finger, even though it was a different hand. He gulped again, and you just moved your hand away and then he spat and attracted everyone’s attention to your table. Excusing himself multiple times at everyone who stared, he shifted his eyes blankly from you to the table in turns. “Does he know?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I just found out.” 

“Then it probably most likely is wrong?” Taeyong asked hopefully and lit up. “Take another one?” he watched you reach for your bag and hide your hand in it, roughly dropping a ridiculous amount of pregnancy tests onto the table. To be exact, 13. He mouthed an O. 

“Is that enough to be sure?” 

“Why did you take so many?” 

“Because I ordered one, but then two more because this one could’ve been wrong, and then I thought that if these two are the same I need a third one for reassurance. Then I thought that this brand sucked and I ordered a different one, but then this one was also positive so I went to the grocery store around the corner and bought everything they had.”

“Oh my god.” Taeyong simply stated. 

“E-fucking-xactly.” you were ready to hit your head on the table, but this would probably attract curious eyes you didn’t need. 

“You know, all of these could still be wrong… like, something’s in your urine or something.”

“I booked an appointment for tomorrow. Will you come with me?” you reached out your hand to hold onto Taeyong’s wrist. 

“Isn’t it better for Jaehyun to…?”

“I won’t tell him.” you shook your head vigorously and held onto Taeyong tighter. 

“Ugh… why?”

“He’s going to do stupid things.” 

“Things like what?” 

“Things like preparing himself to being a dad.”

“And what’s stupid about it?” 

“Hey, look. You’re my best friend.”

“Yeah?”

“And you’re Jaehyun’s friend too.”

“I don’t catch it.” 

 “Besides that, you two kinda work together. Think of it as a leader, not our friend.” he finally seemed to understand. 

“You know that these two things are not really related.” 

“He’s not dumb but he is at the same time capable of dumb things.”

“Elaborate.” Taeyong shifted in his seat. 

“I’m just afraid he’ll quit or do some dumb shit that will ruin his life.” 

“He could really do that.” Taeyong shook his head probably imagining. “But he’ll have to know at one point? I mean, he’ll notice.”

“Not if I’m not carrying on the pregnancy.” 

“No.”

“Taeyong-“

“If you’re doing that, I’m telling him.”

“What would be the point if it’s done?” 

“Wait, what? I’m confused. Did you do it already?”

“No, I won’t tell you now, even if I will.” you gathered the test and threw them into your bag “If Jaehyun never finds out about this, you’ll be the one thankful.”

“I’m not sure my job is winning over the fact my best friend wants to kill her baby.” 

“If I’ll do it I’ll do it only for him.” you stated and Taeyong sat deeper in his seat, thinking. 

“How did that even happen?” he asked suddenly meeting your annoyed gaze. “No, I didn’t mean physically, I mean how did that happen, like you two don’t use protection or what.” 

“I hate this conversation.”

“We’ll you gotta tell me since it’s already started.”

“I think it’s because of that time I forgot to take the pill in the morning and only took it before bed. I heard this can lower the levels of protection, but I didn’t think it’ll literally happen like that.” you dropped your forehead on your arms that were laying over the table. 

“At least now we know why you threw up.” Taeyong stated and ruffled your hair. “Note taken though, never do it raw.” he cackled loving his own joke. 

“First, find yourself someone who’d do it with you at all.” you bit making Taeyong even more amused. 

“Too offensive with the person that will go to the doctor with you AND keep his mouth shut before you tell him.”

“I should’ve just kept it all to myself.” you cried into your arms. 

*

“So… I guess now we can totally say that you are, in fact, pregnant?” Taeyong watched you put the papers away. 

“Yeah, except for the fact we’re not saying this to anyone.” you tried to not seem too burdened or upset. “And I mean it, Taeyong.” you threatened him with a finger. 

“Since I’m the one you granted this secret to, I feel like we need to talk everything through.” 

“Can you drive?” you tried your best to ignore him. Ignoring Taeyong was always your favourite option. 

“Yeah, sure.” you walked over your car to plop your body on the passenger seat. “You’re not feeling well?” he asked, sitting his body next to yours.” 

“I’m feeling like shit.” you snapped and dropped your hands in front of you, hiding your face in them. 

“Fuck, Y/n.” Taeyong gasped and undid the seatbelt he just put on. “It’s fine.” you felt his hand get onto your back, caressing it. “People get pregnant all the time.” 

“Yeah, they get that when they want it.” 

“It’s not true. People get pregnant when they don’t have money, and they don’t want it in general. Or when they think it’s going to ruin their life. It’s the shock, you should tell Jaehyun. He’ll give you emotional support I can’t.”

“He’ll be shocked too and then what?” you raised your head to see Taeyong.

“Okay. Let’s go from the other way around. Do you want this baby ? Do you not want it because you don’t want to mess Jaehyun’s life or because you don’t want babies in general?” 

“Because of Jaehyun.” 

“Okay, then you have to tell him and see what he has to say? What if he’s like ‘yeah, get rid of that, it’s not the time’?” you widened your eyes at Taeyong. “Well in a nicer form, obviously.”

“It’s like you don’t know that he wont say anything like that in million years.”

“If he ever finds out you had an abortion he’s going to go mad and if you’ll come to him and say that you’re pregnant but now is not the time, he’ll understand you because he loves you.” Taeyong watched your eyes expectantly but you just couldn’t form words into something reasonable. 

“Please drive me home.” you dropped your back onto the seat. 

“Okay but please think this through.”

“Yeah.” you nodded your head and extended an arm towards Taeyong. He quickly caught it with his and squeezed it. 

“I won’t tell him, I promise.” his hand pulled yours to his chest and then let go. 

*

to: Taeyong

“I think I know what I’ll do.”

“please, don’t judge.” you quickly sent the other message. 

You have thought things through, you wanted for Taeyong to know everything first. 

from: Taeyong 

“you’ll text or want to meet?”

“I actually want to see you.“

“come over”

“I’m home.”

to: Taeyong 

“k”

When you got to Taeyong’s room, you found him play his beloved computer rolling your eyes unamused. 

“When you said you wanted to see me I thought you’d at least get your butt up to open the door.”

“You know the c-. Oh, right. It changed, I’m sorry.” he pouted, standing up to get closer to you. “Who opened the door?”

“Ugh…Hae…?”

“…chan?”

“Yeah, probably, the tall one.”

“That’s Johnny.”

“I’m sorry.” you looked around awkwardly and sat down. 

“How many years has it been?” he shook his head disapprovingly. “I’m giving you an excursion to meet everyone after you tell me when we’re telling Jaehyun about the baby.” 

“Yeah, that’s the thing.”

“What?”

“I’m not telling him and you’re not allowed to fight with me about it.” you added the second part seeing Taeyong open his mouth.  

“Okay? Then just tell me the reason.” 

“I saw him yesterday, we were hanging out and then we kinda… and I said that I forgot to take the pill, and that we can’t…” You paused awkwardly. “I said that if we’re going to do anything, I might get pregnant and he said that it’s not a problem. I was like ‘stop joking’, because I most definitely felt amusement in his voice and said that yeah we can do it but then we’ll have to do something about it, you know, if something happens.” you shivered remembering his face expression afterwards. “He then suddenly turned serious and said that if I’m somehow some day getting pregnant we’ll adjust to that and that’s that and then he just went quiet after he said ‘imagine, if you’d kill our baby?’” 

“Yeah…” Taeyong nodded, somewhere in his thoughts. 

“I just can’t tell him, It’ll hurt him too much.”

“So you’re just going to do it quietly?” his loud sigh filled the room. “I’ll support you, of course. But I kind of got used to the thought we’re having a baby.”

“I can’t do that either…” 

“Huh?” Taeyong’s head lifted quickly to look at you. 

“I’m keeping the baby.” 

“Oh my god, deep down I knew you would never do that to your relationship but when you took too long to decide I kind of started doubting.” 

“I really can’t, I just imagined and I can’t. It’s not the time to have the baby, but it’s definitely not something I can do. At the end of the day, it is a child from someone I love. It’s Jaehyun’s baby.” 

“Exactly.” He nodded vigorously. 

“It’ll be difficult at first, especially if the baby’s going to resemble him so much, but I’ll get used to that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to break up with Jaehyun.” Taeyong’s eye twitched, grimacing on his face a smile that turned in confusion. 

“What the-“

“I can’t ruin his life.”

“And what will you tell him when he’ll see you walking around with a child that’s probably gonna be his copy.”

“If that ever happens, it’s going to be none of his business by the time the baby walks.”

“So you’re just going to come up to him today and go ‘let’s break up’?” Taeyong seemed sceptical about every word that left your mouth. “You are willingly making yourself a single parent?”

“I haven’t thought about how I’m going to break up with him or when, but I’ll do it.”

“Just so you know, you’re fucking crazy.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re going to break a perfectly fine relationship because you don’t want to ‘ruin’” Taeyong drew brackets in the air “his career and life? Too much self sacrifice over nothing. I could tell him, you know? As if you’re scared to upset him, I’ll tell him because I worry? He’ll come up with something and then you’ll figure it out together. I’ll be the one to blame over a problem.”

“No, it’s not needed. I’ll tell him, I can do that.” 

*

You tossed and turned in your bed through the night, felt your leg shake under the table in rhythm with some melody in your head every day you went to work. Your teeth always bit onto your lip and the way your eye twitched from time to time made it too obvious you were a ball of nerves. You had your obvious reason, but the more you postponed fulfilling what you had planned, the more it felt wrong. And no, it wasn’t the decision that felt wrong, it was the fact you let your casual relationship with Jaehyun while keeping in your mind that you had to break up with him. The thought made you sick, even so more it made you sick because this technically was all a lie. 

“I wish we could’ve went out somewhere to eat.” he sighed as his body dropped onto the floor next to you. You helped him free food boxes he brought out of the bags. 

“It’s fine, I’m tired anyway after the walk.” you took a quick glance at his focused gazed to hopefully stay unnoticed, but his eyes met yours anyway, leaning in quickly for a peck on the corner of your lips. “Good thing Jungwoo’s not home.” you noted awkwardly and thought how breaking up in front of Jungwoo would be awkward indeed. 

“He’s staying over at his parents for two nights.” 

“Did you make him leave?” you chuckled. 

“No, he wanted to go back home before the comeback.”

“Oh, when is that?” 

“On Friday.” 

“This very Friday?”

“Yeah, I told you, remember?” 

“Yeah, I’m just surprised the time passed quickly.” you could already feel Taeyong’s hands choke you if you’ll ruin Jaehyun’s mood for the comeback season. 

“It saddens me that we won’t see each other as much.” his palm landed on your thigh and you suddenly realised that the two of you forgot about the food. 

“It’s only couple of weeks.” you stretched out a smile and leaned over to pull out chopsticks from the bag. “Here.” you sighed and implied on you two eating, feeling on the verge of tears when Jaehyun’s hand began drawing small circles up your thigh. It’s the tingling feeling in your stomach that made your eyes water. Just a little more, just a couple strokes up and he’d touch your stomach, where the baby that was his began to grow. You wondered if he could get it somehow if he’d touch you, if the baby somehow gave him inner signals but you knew you were probably going crazy, so you pulled his hand off your leg and simply said. “Im hungry, let’s eat.” 

“Couple of weeks now, and then couple of weeks a bit later on and then year-end shows. You know how it is, when it starts it’s like it never finishes.” he pursed his lips apologetically and you thought that maybe it’s a good thing. Work will keep him busy and you’ll just cope with it somehow on your own. “Remember I told you about the concert?”

“Mmh.” you nodded but refused to look at him. Looking at him made your insides turn and it wasn’t the best feeling. 

“We’re going to have solo stages this time, I thought I’ll do the song I wrote for you.” 

“No.” you spoke as soon as the last sound left his mouth.

“I knew you’d say that.” he chuckled and put the chopsticks away, leaning more onto his bed. 

“You said it’s the song for my ears only, now you’re thinking of showing it to all of your fans… I want it to still be special.” you couldn’t keep your eyes on the wall anymore and turned to face him. Your heart screeched as your gaze ran over his warm smile. 

“Okay, I won’t.” he smiled knowingly, stretching out his hand towards you. You were thinking you should move away, but your body weren’t used to dodging Jaehyun’s touch, so you just froze, feeling his fingers snake over your nape, pulling your face in front of his. “But now I have zero ideas of what should I do.” he whispered before kissing you softly. He didn’t try to move away and you kissed him back - slowly and softly. 

“Didn’t you write things before that?” you pulled him back when you could feel his mood change to the one you were hoping to avoid. 

“I did but they’re not good.”

“Maybe you’ll get inspired to write something new?

“I need it by the end of next week. And I don’t feel like anything inspiring could happen to me.” you looked him in the eyes, wondering if you should tell him what you wanted to right now. A broken heart was a great inspiration to write songs, you thought. 

“And I thought I’ll forever be your muse.” you raised your eyebrows playfully and looked away. Joking would probably be better, for at least now. A little more time in peace won’t hurt anybody. 

“Now I feel bad.” he stated and dropped his head to look at the ceiling. 

“I was kidding.”

“I know, but still.” Jaehyun outstretched his hand to pull you to his side. You crawled over to him, moving the food out of the way. Your hands hugged his waist automatically, loosing your face in the crook of his neck. Jaehyun hugged your shoulders and you trembled a little in his hands. You wanted to tell him that you loved him, that he can actually take the song because you’d die to hear him sing it on stage. You wanted to tell him that you don’t want to leave, you wanted to ask him to stay together before the day of the comeback comes, but alol that left your lips was a gasp. You gasped and moved your hands from his waist onto his neck, hugging him so tightly, that if you were a little bit stronger you’d probably break his bones. I love you, I love you, you cried in your brain but couldn’t say it loud. Maybe Taeyong was right, maybe you were sacrificing too much over nothing. 

“Baby.” he cooed and it took so much in you to not cry. “I know you’re against it so much, but I talked about this with Taeyong and he says it’s okay if we’ll live together.” his hand caressed your back, he wanted to look you in the eyes, but his words only made you breathless, you didn’t want to see his face. You didn’t want him to see your face. “I’m not forcing you, but even if it’ll be the ghost of me in that apartment it’s better than not seeing you at all.” you thought how could you make him stop talking, you scrunched your nose and rubbed it against his neck. “Baby, are you glued to me?” he chuckled and forcefully pushed you off him to look at you. “Or you’re hiding from what I said?” you looked at his ears to not look at him. “At least consider it, okay?” 

“Okay.” you nodded, feeling Jaehyun get his lips on your jaw. 

“I really want you.” Jaehyun whispered into your ear, moving his body closer to yours. His hand forced you onto his lap before you could come up with something to refuse him. You couldn’t think of a thing to say even when his lips trailed a line from your jaw behind your ear. You couldn’t remember the time when you refused him at all, couldn’t remember what people could say when they didn’t want their partner back. Probably, because you wanted him back so much you couldn’t think at all since the moment his palms landed on your thighs. Jaehyun’s fingers tugged the turtle neck you wore higher and you caught his hands mid action. His eyes opened and you looked at him too. 

“Leave it on.” you mumbled quickly, hoping Jaehyun wouldn’t put too much attention to it and he didn’t, locking his lips with yours once again. He was moving his hands over your body swiftly, forcing a gasp from you as his 

hand undid your bra under your turtle neck, moving to the front, cupping your breasts. His tongue slid into your mouth as you gasped, and all the courage you built to tell him no flew out of the window. Your fingers gripped onto his nape, fidgeting your body on his lap when his fingers caressed your stomach. It made you feel like he knew and you cried into his mouth. Jaehyun took it as a cry of want, moving his hand lower, undoing the button on your jeans, slipping his fingers to caress you through your underwear. 

“Jaehyun-ah.” your lips left his in a moan. You already could feel a bubble of pleasure in your lower stomach and you couldn’t understand if this was the effect of pregnancy or you realising it’s the last time you’ll ever feel his fingers on you. His fingers moved past your underwear allowing for him to feel the swell and wetness of your heat. 

“Do you love me this much? It makes me happy to know you’re still into me as much as you were back in the day.” he chuckled satisfied, slipping a finger inside of you. Your hips began their paced moves to meet Jaehyun’s hand half way. You felt him get hard under you and the feeling made you even more drunk on him than before. 

“I want to go home. I’m going to cum.” you cried, squeezing your eyes tightly. “Jaehyun, please. Don’t let go, please.” you moaned on the verge of tears, mixing your words with whispering profanities. Jaehyun watched you with his eyes wide open. He couldn’t believe how vulnerable you’ve suddenly gotten, how easily you were a crying and moaning mess in his arms tonight. He wanted to pull back and feel you cum over him, extracting his hand, but you didn’t open your eyes to watch him, you just began rubbing yourself against his now hard length. Jaehyun panted as he felt the pleasure too. You slipped your tongue into his mouth and he sucked onto it, kissing you deeply. The kiss made your core throb, making you get closer to your release. Your fingers blindly found Jaehyun’s hand that now was helping you rub your thighs against his, forcing it to go back inside your underwear, to rub your clit in shaking circles instead. And he did so, sending you over the edge in minutes. Your hips stopped moving, feeling his fingers caress you through your high. You hated the feeling on your overstimulated heat, forcing his hand away from you. You dropped your body against Jaehyun’s to catch your breath. “I want to go home.” you mumbled the only thing that came to your mind. 

“Right now?” he asked confused, forcing you to raise your head at him. “What happened?” he asked softly, trailing the tears off your cheeks. “You don’t usually cry.” 

“Yeah, I want to go home right now.” your words confused Jaehyun to the extent you felt him get turned off. It was for the best, you thought to yourself. 

“That’s… you can stay, Jungwoo’s not coming back.”

“I know, but I still want to go.”

“I thought we could…ugh… I just…” he seemed to glitch for a minute and you felt more awkward with every passing second that you didn’t tell him you wanted to go before it got sexual. “You just came off my hand a second ago and want to go home immediately? I thought we could have actual sex and then see what’s up? It’s not even about sex, I just feel wrong now.”   

“I messed up the pill schedule, I’m sorry.” you slid off his legs and quickly buttoned up your jeans. 

“What are you sorry for?”

“For not having sex with you.” you mumbled thoughtless, only realising how stupid it sounded when you closed your mouth. 

“Are you… are you insane?” he tried to shout at you, probably, but the sound that came out of him was weak and hurt. You closed your eyes in pain. Things you said pained both you and him and you wanted to hit your head on the wall right then and there. ‘Let’s break up.’ three simple words couldn’t leave your mouth and you couldn’t lift your body up from the floor too. “Let’s not fight. I probably misunderstood you. No, I did misunderstand you for sure.” Jaehyun’s fingers reached out for your palm that you moved away. 

“I’ll go home, okay?”

“Y/n, come on.” he sighed breathlessly. “What are we fighting about.”

“We’re not, I said I wanted to go home even when you were touching me.” 

“Can you tell me why?”

“Because I remembered suddenly I have to get up earlier tomorrow.”

“Okay, I’ll walk you back home.” 

“I’m going to take a taxi.” 

“Okay, I’ll walk you down to the taxi.” 

“You don’t need to.” you got your lips in a thin line. “I need to see Taeyong on my way.”

“I can’t get the feeling off my chest that something’s wrong.” 

“Thank you. Thank you for everything, I’m serious.” you suddenly said, squeezing his palm that was resting over his knee. 

“What exactly are you thanking me for?” he furrowed his eyebrows again. 

“You fool, not for what you just did for sure.” you chuckled and pecked his cheek carefully. 

“I love you.” he simply said back and you hated how attentive he got at times. If he was the normal boyfriend he would’ve not noticed how weird you felt inside. Jaehyun’s hand moved under yours to hold it. “I trust you and I trust that you would tell me if anything was wrong.” he whispered and kissed your knuckles. You nodded your head not being able to lie to him verbally. He leaned in and kissed you goodbye. 

“Bye-bye.” your fingers let go of him. You stood up slowly and walked to the door. You felt your lungs starting to hyperventilate. You wanted to look back at him and send him a flying kiss but warm tears streamed silently down your face without your contest. You walked out quickly, closing the door behind you, dragging your feet to exit as quickly as you could, just in case Jaehyun would want to come out and say something else. 

“Taeyong, I couldn’t.” You cried into your phone as soon as he picked up the phone. “Are you home?” you got the unsatisfactory answer of a no. “I can’t tell him I don’t love him anymore in his face. I can’t hurt him at all. How do I do it?” 

“I can’t think right now, I’m kind of busy, I’m sorry, but if you decided on doing it, just do it. Maybe it’s better to do it now, while he’s going to be busy.” you felt warm breeze of early autumn hit your wet face as you got outside. You thought how Jaehyun talked about being busy for upcoming months. Maybe it was indeed the best timing to do it now. 

“Okay, you’re right.” you just sighed into the phone. 

“I’m here with you.” Taeyong said warmly, even though by the tone of his voice you could tell he was completely distracted. “I have to go though, text me if anything happens.”

“Yeah, yeah. Go.” you nodded and swallowed the tears you held back to be able to talk. 

You quickly found Jaehyun’s number in your phone. You didn’t realise until you dialled it that your heart was beating in your ears. You didn’t realise until you called him that your hands turned into sweaty mess, making your phone slip out of your hands. 

“Yeah?” he asked worriedly. “Did you forget something?” 

“No…” You gulped so loudly it probably was heard on the other side of Seoul. “Let’s break up.” the world began spinning around you but you still tried your best to walk forward. 

“What?” he asked and it made you feel like he couldn’t hear you the first time and you almost backed down. “Break up?” so he did hear you, you thought. “You’re still here? I’ll come down.”

“No, I’m far.” you couldn’t pretend you weren’t crying anymore, so you just let him know about it. 

“If you want to break up, why are you crying?” 

“I worry about your heart.” you whispered into the phone. 

“I want to see you. If you’re far, then I’ll just come to your place.”

“No, Jaehyun. Do you hear me? I’m breaking up with you. I don’t want to see you, hear you. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” 

“I’m going to hang up and you’ll call me tomorrow, when you’re feeling better. Let’s pretend this conversation never happened, okay?” he pleaded, you could feel the tone of his voice turn into a worried one. 

“No, there’s no need. Nothing’s going to change tomorrow.”

“Why?” he sighed painfully for your ears and you squatted in the middle of the street. 

“Nothing’s there anymore.”

“Nothing’s there anymore? Are you kidding?” you could hear him getting worked up and it actually made you feel better. You wanted him to be mad, it was a good thing he didn’t hide his feelings. You wanted him to hate you, it would be easier if he won’t reach out to you himself. “You were kissing me ten minutes ago. You were next to me, you were holding onto me so tightly because nothings there? Come back. I’m coming outside.”

“Jaehyun.” you cried tiredly. “I don’t want to fight. I’m sorry I couldn’t say this into your face. I felt bad, but breaking up over the phone is probably even worse. I’m so sorry.” 

“How can I not fight with you when you’re saying insane things? I know you love me, I love you. I don’t have any other options than to fight with you for us.”

“I…” you wanted to fall on the asphalt and lie there dead. “I don’t love you anymore and that’s the problem. I have nothing else in me to give you.” you lied with closed eyes, pushing your fist onto the ground, making it hurt with the way asphalt bits got into your skin. 

“I don’t believe you. There’s no way.” 

“Jaehyun, don’t be a child. I don’t love you and that’s it. I couldn’t tell you in the face because I knew you’ll throw a scene. Let’s be grown up about it and let each other live. People break up, its normal.” 

“I… I…” his breathes were so heavy in your phone, they weighed you down closer to the asphalt. You could hear doors slamming and other movement. “Don’t fucking move, I’m going outside.” he said quickly and you realised what all those sounds were. You could hear the lock of their door and you hung up on him, running away like a stupid child. You were in fact a stupid idiot, at the end of the day. You walked inside a Seven Eleven around the corner, keeping your eyes on the door. The shop was pretty close and you could see Jaehyun run out of the building, looking around. He walked forward, moving his head around unstoppably, hiding from your view as he walked, making the shiver run down your spine. You were scared because you feared he’d pop out of somewhere behind you and will force you to talk with him. You didn’t realise you were holding your breath, barely breathing when your phone vibrated. 

from: Jaehyun 

“I’ll come to your place”

“we need a conversation”

to: Jaehyun

“No.” 

You almost hid your phone in your pocket, when you realised you could text him to calm him down. 

“I’ll text you later on and we’ll talk, okay?”

“I feel like we need time to process everything and chill out.” 

from: Jaehyun 

“okay”

You didn’t want to admit this was a lie. You didn’t want to admit this to him or you, but you knew you wouldn’t want to meet him ever again.  You knew it’ll be too painful to even feel his existence somewhere not far from you. 

You saw his figure walk back to the house and sighed relieved. He squatted suddenly in front of the house, hiding his face in his arms for a minute. You suddenly remembered how you pushed your hand into the ground, laying your eyes on your hurt knuckles.

*

You knew it would be too perfect if you’d just listen to him play, leave the cake and go back into embrace of your best friend. That’s why, when your phone vibrated and made the loud noise spread through the wall you didn’t feel too surprised. You knew something was meant to happen. You still gasped, quickly moving your feet to run away, but the sound of Jaehyun opening his door was too vivid to ignore. 

“Y/n.” he said softly and you stopped on your tracks. “I can see you, just in case you think you’re invisible.” he sighed when you just froze. 

“Yeah, I know.” you suddenly spoke back, turning around. 

Yeah, that’s exactly watch you feared. Seeing Jaehyun with his hair band, a sleeping t-shirt that was too big and too stretched out, making his skinny shoulders and collarbone visible to your tired eyes. His plaid baggy pants hiding from you his legs, thankfully. 

“I brought the cake for guys to eat later.” you pointed to break the silence and stop staring, when your eyes landed on the cake still being on the table, remembering how you wanted just to eat it and leave. You should’ve definitely opted for that decision, you sighed. “I’m sorry I bothered you… I’ll go.”

“Yeah.” he nodded and you hated it and was thankful at the same time he let you go so easily. Now, and five months ago, too. You turned your back at him, walking to the exit in peace. “You still owe me a conversation. We never spoke…” he paused and you turned around at him once again. You should’ve not jinxed it. “About us… and how we broke up and things.” 

“I… I remember.” you smiled awkwardly. 

“When will you be ready to talk to me?” he asked too politely and you almost burned on the spot. 

”I am.” you suddenly said and his eyes got wider. 

“Like, now…?”

“Yeah, let’s talk now if that’s what you want.”

“Okay.” he nodded but didn’t move. You stood there in front of him not moving too. “In my room? For people not to bother us?”

“Okay.” you nodded and he turned to walk back, waiting for you to catch up with him. 

He lead you in. The room, you have actually never been to it yet. Moving to a new place, you heard from Taeyong that they finally all got personal rooms, but it was the only information you got on their new living arrangement. “Fancy.” you smiled to yourself as you walked in. The room was more spacious and was his, which already was enough for it to be perfect in your eyes. 

“Thanks.” he replied making you realise you said it out loud. 

He sat on his bed and you sat next to him awkwardly, fixing your clothes on your stomach nonchalantly. 

“I’m sorry I eavesdropped. I heard you play that song and to be honest… I got a little angry… and walked to the door to tell you to stop.” you spoke as the room felt too quiet in a stupid way. 

“Why?”

“Because you shouldn’t think about me in any way.” you admitted. 

“That’s not something you could decide for me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing.”

“No, I’m sorry for everything. For the mess I caused and spread all over your live.”

“At least you were honest, right?” he chuckled painfully. 

“Yeah… at least a great song came out of it, right…?” you raised your eyes to look at him and he caught your stare confused. “The solo stage at the concert? Isn’t it…? I’m sorry if it’s not and I put too much on my shoulders.”

“No… you’re right.” you shivered realising that all the references you made up in your head were actually completely correct. 

“It really is beautiful. Regardless, who it’s about.”

“It’s cheesy.”

“But you let the world see it anyway.”

“Because I had no other option.”

“No, because it’s good.” you smiled at him, making your lips go in a thin line. You hated how your conversation was turning into a weird battle of compliments towards Jaehyun. 

“This song doesn’t even matter.” he said and looked away from you once again. “I don’t even know what to start with.”

“I owe you so much explanation, I know.”

“So, you found out you’re pregnant, realised there wasn’t anything for me in you and broke up with me, got rid of the baby and that’s it for the history of us?”

“I don’t think I’m ready to speak about it like that.” your entire chest felt caged. 

“I can’t let you leave me for another five months. I’m in pain too. I still love you, I still think everyday about the fact you were pregnant with my baby. It wasn’t someone’s, I could’ve been a dad.” you hid your hand in the pocket of your hoodie. It helped you hold onto your stomach without Jaehyun noticing. “I need to hear you and I want to hear you. Four years, Y/n, four.” you closed your eyes hearing him speak, crying silently. I still love you too, you wanted to cry into his mouth. “I want to know what you knew about our baby, even if it’s not with us anymore, too.”

“I’m not a monster.” you whispered through tears. 

“I know, I know.” he quickly said, focusing his vision on your dropping tears. He didn’t dare to touch you and you were thankful. You couldn’t bare if he held you in his arms again. 

“I only did this for you. For you to still be here, not ruining your life because of me.” 

“How could being with you ruin my life? We were together for so long, yet you… Why did you decide this for me?” he kept his voice low, not getting worked up even if you wanted him to. 

“I… when I found out I was pregnant, I knew immediately that we can’t be parents. You’re an idol and I’m not strong enough to bare with being a mom when you’re not around.” his breathing got so heavy it almost was louder than your speaking. 

“I knew the moment I found out about the baby it all happened because of me.” 

“What?”

“I didn’t give you enough reassurance. I didn’t give you enough in general, to make you sure that I’ll take care of you and our baby. You ran away because I didn’t make you feel secure and I didn’t seem like a reliable guy for a dad, I know that.”

“That is so not true.”

“Please… just…” he spoke slowly but couldn’t seem to form a sentence. 

“I was weak and scared. It’s no one’s fault, not yours, I mean. I know you’re caring and attentive and always give your all.” 

“I was just always wondering if you broke up with me because you really didn’t love me, or because you found out you were pregnant and didn’t feel like I was right.” 

“It’s not that you weren’t right, Jaehyun, please. I didn’t want you to do something stupid for me, that’s it.” 

“But why did you get rid of the baby and me?” 

“I decided on abortion, but Taeyong said that you’ll hate me forever if you’ll find out I got rid of the baby without even telling you. I agreed, and later I realised I can’t do that at all. I’m not cruel to kill the baby in general, especially when the baby is yours. I wouldn’t be able to kill the baby of the man I loved. So I thought I’ll break up with you and that way you’ll get a chance to get over me and live your life how you should.” you suddenly spoke all the truth, instead of what you were rehearsing for the past months. 

“But then realised the baby was putting too much weight on you and decided against it?” he looked you in the eyes but you just stared back. You weren’t strong enough to talk with him about it. “When did you find out about the baby? When did it conceive?”

“I found out in the end of August. It’s due in  late April or May. I mean, it was due… I think I got pregnant when we went to Yangyang-gun. We were sleeping through the day and I didn’t take the pill and then… and then everything happened.”

“Yanyang is my favourite memory with you.” Jaehyun suddenly said and you couldn’t help but smile through tears. Yours was every single moment you spent right by his side.  “I’ve never been to Yangyang before… and I guess I won’t ever go there to keep things that way.”

“I said everything…” you concluded suddenly wishing to leave. You were slowly sinking into Jaehyun’s presence and it feared you to death. “I should probably go. I’m sorry.” you added another excuse quickly. You wanted to reminisce with him, but reminiscing would lead to even more pain. He didn’t speak back and you stood up, walking to the door. 

“Remember how everything started?” of course you did. “You were working at that shitty job. You’d ask me to come over every time you felt too pressured and stressed. I ran to you because I was so hopelessly in love with my friends best friends and I couldn’t tell anyone.” you could hear him get up and soundlessly walk towards you. His fingers landed on your shoulders and held softly. “Can I ask for a favour?” he whispered into your hair, leaning closer. You were frozen but realised you needed to give him an answer, so you gave him a nod. “Can you turn around?” his body moved a step back. You could feel it with the way his body heat left your back. Jaehyun’s fingers let go of your shoulders and you guessed he was expecting to see your face. You didn’t really want to see his face, but you didn’t want to really miss a chance to look at him up close, no matter what he’ll ask of you. You gulped and turned around, meeting his teary eyes with yours. You wondered who looked sadder out of you two: the one who was  left or the one that left. “Now, are you happy?” you squeezed your eyes to not cry out loud in his face. No, you weren’t happy, and he didn’t need to ask it out loud, because it was too obvious for your own good. You didn’t notice how his hands suddenly got onto your cheeks, being too preoccupied to not choke on your tears. You didn’t need a second to guess what he wanted to do, but you still hoped he wouldn’t. 

He leaned in, quickly killing the space between you two and locked your lips with his. You wanted not to kiss him back, to be careful about it and not sink back in, placing your hand on his waist. You wanted to push him back but somewhere between your gasps and silent cries of his name into his mouth, your hand pushed his body closer to yours. It’s when one of his hands left your cheek and crawled down your side, under your hoodie and onto your stomach to touch your body once again, when he felt it. 

“You’re pregnant.” he gasped shocked. His hand froze onto the bump and you wondered when did you lose all of your senses. “You’re pregnant.” he said once again, as if finally realising what he had said. 

“I’m not.” you said and pushed his hand off you. 

“You are. Take your hoodie off.” 

“Jaehyun.” you raised your brows at him. 

“Take it off, you’re pregnant.” 

“You’re a maniac, calm down.” you chuckled nonchalantly. 

“You didn’t kill my baby.” his brain seemed to lose all of the connection it had with reality. “It’s there, it’s in you.” he dropped onto his knees making you squeeze into the wall. His hands pulled your clothes up without your consent and before you could tell him to collect himself he wrapped his hands over your very small bump. “Is it… okay? Why is it so small?”

“This can happen.” you gulped when his lips touched the skin of your stomach. You felt like you could slide down the wall this very moment. “It’s completely fine and healthy.” 

“Hi, baby.” he whispered and peppered kisses around your belly button. “She tried to hide away the fact you were existing.”

“Jaehyun.” you mumbled feeling yourself crying once again. He raised his eyes at you expecting of what you’d say. “It’s a girl.” your heart stopped beating and instead you could hear his heart beat so loudly and quickly. She kicked your stomach and Jaehyun’s face expressed something between death and ecstasy. 

“She feels that it’s her dad.” he smiled so purely you wanted to disappear. You couldn’t believe these were the things you took from him, the memories you took from the both of you were weighing heavily on your back.

“Maybe just because she feels I’m not feeling well.” you tried to put him down on earth cruelly. 

“No, it’s because she wanted to see her dad.” 

“Jaehyun… I need to go.” you said when your phone vibrated once again in your back pocket. 

“You’re not going anywhere.” he got back up onto his feet. 

“I am… this… that you know now, it’s not meaning anything. We’re not back together all of a sudden.”

“It means everything to me. Let me do everything the way we should’ve in the first place.” his hand slid onto your palm, holding onto you tightly. 

“Let’s think this through, we both need time to think things through.” 

“I love you, you’re carrying my baby, what else is there to think through?”

“I need to think things through.” 

“You’re just running away from me, again.” 

“No, I’m not, Jaehyun-ah, I’m not.” you whispered and squeezed his hand back. 

“Promise we’ll be together again. Promise to her, that her parents will be together when it’s time for her to be born?”

“Don’t manipulate me.” you bit onto your lower lip, running your eyes over Jaehyun’s face. You could tell by a single look that he wasn’t thinking at all. Euphoria was the only thing he probably felt right now. “Didn’t you hate me? At least a little, when you found out about the baby?” 

“No, I couldn’t.” 

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not lying. How could I hate you, when I’m the reason behind all those decisions?”

“I’ll go.” you sighed disappointed with his answers. You hated yourself even more now that it turned out he was hating on himself for your leaving. “I’m going to text you next week.. we’ll see, what we can do about all of this, okay?”

“Yeah.” he nodded and found a place on your stomach for his hand. “I’m going to really wait for this text, just so you know.” 

“I know.” you nodded, reassuring him, and you, that you were very aware of his feelings. 

You let him plant a kiss on your temple and forced him to separate from you, to allow you to exit his room and he watched you go. 

Your eyes suddenly noticed Marks green hoodie and you picked it up to take back downstairs.