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Raizel knows there is something hopelessly pathetically painful about the way he feels for Frankesnstein. The way he sometimes feels a thousand miles away when Frankesnstein lays down the regular tray of tea before him and pats not Raizel, but the arm of the couch he sits on. And the way Frankestein switches just which kind of smile he has on his face when they are alone in his home versus when the door bursts open and any one of those house companions Frankestein welcomed without hesitation saunters in. Something guarded and a little predatory too. But there is a difference between those two things. In one, it tells Raizel lengths about how close he and Frankestein are that there is a certain special smile meant only for him, only when they are alone and his guard is down. It says Raizel is special to him. The other tells him many lengths more that he is not special enough.
And perhaps that is something Raizel should be letting go by now. It has been 820 years more for Frankestein to feel a distance grow between him and his Master, but...Raizel was quite certain he felt this way even before he went to sleep. He would look at Frankenstein standing idle, awaiting any requests from Raizel and it would be endearing the way he wears the clothes Raizel once conjured for him, and smile when Raizel looked his way. But then he would spot the bandages on his body, causing the clothes to snag and make Frankenstein wince. And he would pretend they weren't there. Frankenstein never did tell Raizel about his spars with Ragar. He was sure they were interesting tales. But alas, maybe Frankenstein reserved that side to not discomfort Raizel. And he couldn't blame him. But it didn't help this feeling lingering on the tip of his tongue
A little hopeless.
—
Knowing what love is and knowing how to handle it are two very different things. And in this, Raizel has never been more lost. He knows love. He has felt it in the hearts of the people he was born to protect, and in the souls of his own kind. He knows the special kind of love that is born from respect and fear, as is possessed by the young of the Nobles for him. The kind that is infallible and unknowable as he seems to them. And yet, he knows this is not the kind of love that is spoken about in poetry and prose.
That kind of love is reserved for what – to Raizel – is spiritual. Transcending. How he has not burned himself from the inside out by now is a mystery to him for when he sees Frankenstein come to a knee and call to only him, he is sure that all the lifespan he has slaved to preserve and protect was meant for just that moment. So he could live to hear his bonded, his soul, whisper his name.
Forget all things the previous Lord pitied him for. Raizel knew what he was missing, and that was Frankenstein.
He needed more of just Frankenstein. If all the windows in his bonded's house inexplicably disappeared and the door sealed shut with only them inside, Raizel would find it difficult to be upset when the only view he ever longed for was standing right next to him.
But loathe as he is to admit, Raizel fears holding Frankenstein back. He is such a force to be reckoned with, such a natural phenomenon inexplicable to Raizel for his beauty. And he knows his bonded has wide horizons with an expanse so large it can barely fit in that wonderful mind of his. Maybe that was why Raizel felt that hopeless little tug in his gut when Frankensteins’ soul glowed so brightly with the desire for nothing more than to see Raizel happy. The desire to care for him and make him smile. And Frankensteins’ own needs were so secondary that Raizel never heard utterances from his soul over something he desires. Nevermind the bloodlust during spars and the maniacal electricity running through his veins at the prospect of utter destruction. Those were normal.
Raizel fears the silence of his bonded's mind and soul that comes when he sits with bated breath, looking at Raizel like he is the only thing that matters in the moment.
He fears it because while it is love, it is not the same kind of love that Raizel feels in his own gut, sinking further and further until he cannot tell when that ever present sensation began. It is part of him. It is something that makes him alive and awake to all the treasures he possesses. Treasures given by Frankenstein. A companion, a home, a world filled with life and ever changing norms. A world that forgets its pain and lives for the pleasure of tomorrow. People that teach him to convene with his emotions and really look at what he has denied himself since his dawn. And if Frankenstein can see nothing more than being by his side, Raizel knows that Frankenstein will never know this feeling.
He is in love with Frankenstein. And how can he forgive keeping his bonded by his side like this, ignorant of this feeling?
He is in love. And how Rai wishes Frankenstein were in love too. Just…in love with him.
—
“Master?”
There it goes again.
Raizel prepared himself for looking away from the window, a view that was endearing, but none more than the entrancing figure and soul of his bonded. He looked up as Frankenstein stepped near the couch with a tea tray. He leaned over and Raizel was awash in his golden glow, manifest in the crown upon his head. His hair brushed just near Raizel's arm and he looked down. It wasn't good to allow himself too much or he may get too used to it.
“Would you not like tea today?” Frankenstein asked softly and Raizel shook his head.
“Never.” When would he ever refuse the dedication of his bonded? He waited for Frankenstein to bestow a smile before he kneeled down to mix a perfect cup, same as every other day during tea time. Once he was done, Raizel raised it to his lips, breathed its aroma in, and then took a sip.
He would have continued to look out the window if not for the faltering shine of Frankensteins’ soul. He startled and looked down at the blonde only to see him sitting perfectly prim with his hands in his lap, but his eyes were glazed over and his face was absent.
«Franken.» He spoke into his soul and Frankenstein jerked to meet his eyes.
“Yes, Master?”
“You are absent.” He spoke aloud. Frankenstein was sitting in such perfect reach on the ground that Raizel could see himself just stretching a hand towards his silken crown, running his hands through his hair. And in the moment it took for him to wonder why this wouldn't be acceptable, he was already reaching out.
“Why?” He asked Frankenstein as his fingers slipped through the rivulets and Frankenstein took in a shuddering breath.
Raizel seemed to recall that Frankenstein once said he was poor with physical contact. Whether he meant that he did not like it or that he did not know how to do it comfortably, Raizel was seeing the answer to now.
Frankenstein leaned ever so slightly into his touch and Raizel felt that twist in his stomach again, shoving that sinking feeling even deeper into him. Frankensteins’ soul was practically shivering in delight, this Raizel was positive of even if Frankenstein usually kept the more profound details of his mind and soul enclosed tightly to his being.
“It's nothing Master. I'm just…comfortable.”
“Comfortable on the ground?” Raizel asked and combed his fingers through the side of Frankenstein's hair, lifting it from covering his ears and revealing his flushed skin and downcast eyelashes. Raizel's heart sank and he was quite sure this was the feeling of one's breath being taken away as the light from the window played down through Frankesteins lashes and cast a shadow on his cheeks, showing more how red they were.
“Comfortable next to you. How can I not?” Frankenstein said and his eyes fell shut completely as Raizel's hand found a mind of its own to brush over the blush on his ears. “I am at peace when I serve you, my Master.”
“At peace…” Rai rolled the idea around in his mind, wondering if he had ever been more at peace than when he was drinking tea with Frankenstein. No, he thought, not even when I was living alone with no wars, impoverished humans or violent Nobles to worry about. Never more than I am right now.
Frankensteins’ eyes flew open and he looked again at Raizel, turning enough that Raizel’s hand landed on his cheek. He must have conveyed those thoughts without intending to. “Master, it is–”
“–your greatest pleasure.” Rai completed with a smile, then released Frankenstein. “Sit, I wish to drink tea together.”
There was some emotion enshrined over Frankenstein that Raizel noticed too late to investigate before Frankenstein shut it down inside as usual. Instead, he stood from the floor and moved to sit down on the neighboring sofa, but Raizel quickly stopped him by tapping his wrist with his two forefingers. Then he nodded to the spot beside him with clear indication. Frankenstein smiled and took the space next to Rai with pleasure.
Before Frankenstein could pour himself a cup, Rai leaned forward and did so himself, following the same ritual for Frankensteins’ cup of tea that he performed every morning. One little hill of honey, the same size as the tip of one's thumb, then pour the steaming tea over top of it. He handed it to Frankenstein with care and hoped that he got it right. Frankenstein looked at the cup with shining eyes and appreciation before taking a reverent sip.
“Thank you very much, Master.” He said and Rai nodded.
He had been told many times by The Children – as Frankenstein called them – that being clear about your desires was important in a relationship. It had helped them immensely during the hard days when apparently one of them wanted nothing more than a hug, but nothing less than to be touched like glass. They had told him this when he asked about their disproportionate amount of physical contact recently compared to when they first moved in and avoided touch at all costs. And in return, Tao said something that summoned that twisted feeling in the pit of his stomach right up to his throat. The feeling that he just learned something he'd been ignorant of for a long time.
–
“Sir, haven't you and Frankenstein spent, like, an eternity together?”
“Roughly 1,000 years as bonded.” He nodded. 820 of which he spent sleeping unfortunately.
“Well then you should know. Sometimes it's easy for us to look at each other and know when we don't want to be touched or hugged or shoved. Some days, I hate myself and my past so much I get nauseous just thinking of any soft treatment. It's like, why have I been so hard and stone cold all my life if something like this was possible? But – oh no need to worry, Sir. We're working on it so I'll be fine.” Tao grinned and waved away the sorrowful look on Raizel's face that he would ever think of himself in such a way when he is nothing but a pleasure to be around. Raizel nodded his assent to continue. “– but anyway, other days I feel like I'll die if I don't hug someone for at least three hours. Or all day, haha!”
Although M-21 had long left the room before the conversation got serious, Takeo was leaning back on the couch with a serious frown while he nodded along to Tao's explanation so Raizel was seeing that this was a more common experience than he thought. Sure, some days he wished he could touch Frankenstein with the intimacy which Ragar used to have with him, where they would shove each other around or share those fiery looks full of threats and bloody promises. But he did not want to shove Frankenstein. He wanted to touch him. Just those small, light promises he often expressed through their bond. But it would hold so much more if he could touch. But it was a selfish desire.
Tao watched on as if he knew what Rai was thinking – and no one but Frankenstein ever knew exactly what he was thinking – and Tao sighed.
“I'm guessing you and Frankenstein have never once talked about this?”
Rai shook his head. Frankenstein had never expressed the desire to be touched, much less hugged for several hours a day. Although Rai would oblige with delight in a heartbeat if he did.
That's when Takeo chimed in.
“The Boss would never talk about it. He's like me in that he's got these things shoved so far back to the corners of his mind, he forgets that he even wants it to begin with.”
“Why?” Raizel asked, more aimed at why Takeo would do such a thing rather than Frankenstein.
“Me? Well, before…this. Before living here, I was surrounded by heartless crooks and murderers – of course, not you Tao – so any inkling of desire I had to be kind and tender was burnt to a crisp. I actually shoved it away so quickly that I usually didn't even realize I wanted it. Like why would I need a hug? What good is that going to do for me? It won't save my sister… That kind of thing.” He seemed finished with his input as he leaned back again, muttering, “I'm sure Frankenstein is the same way. He has had a much longer lifespan to harden those habits as well.”
“The same goes for you too, Sir.” Tao said with a strange, calm look in his eyes, “I'm not saying you're like…emotionally constipated, but you and the Boss have been lifelong companions yet still stand two feet away from each other when you're in the same room. The Boss isn't actually your butler, you both know that, but acting like that is what you both are to each other is what keeps you from getting what you want. You two are literal soulmates, and I can see that you're connected in a special way, it's just that sometimes you guys don't seem to think that's a good enough reason to be close. No offense.”
And Raizel realized then that Tao knew what Raizel was feeling when he looked at Frankenstein across the room. Tao didn't have to know what he was thinking to recognize something he also felt. And when Rai took a deeper look, he finally understood that for how young Tao and the other children were, their souls expressed a different kind of love that Rai had never been privy to before. The kind that is reciprocated and compounded by experience and reliance.
–
Raizel looked over at Frankenstein beside him and watched as he sipped his tea in silence. He looked deeper in towards his soul. Perhaps…there was a reason Frankenstein always kept his mind and soul under hand. Perhaps it was a habit like Takeo said. He pried a bit deeper and for a moment could perceive something burning just beneath the surface like a river of fire but Frankenstein felt his presence there and glanced at him. Before Frankenstein could ask him what was wrong, Raizel put down his tea and…spoke his desire. Just like Tao said.
“Frankenstein,” he said and turned in his seat, “I want to touch you.”
Frankenstein froze. “You–...you want to touch me?”
“Yes. Would this displease you?” Again, like Tao instructed. If he had to tell the other children some days he did not wish to be touched, it was important that he know if Frankenstein would be displeased by physical touch right now too. Although judging by his reaction when Rai was touching his hair before, he felt that wasn't a problem currently.
“Wha–, um…of course, if you wish to touch me, I would never be displeased by this. Is there something specific you want to touch?” Frankenstein seemed most bewildered by his request and looked as if he thought it were a misunderstanding that would resolve any moment. But Raizel was trying to be very clear and thought he expressed himself quite well…
“I have heard that it is important to acknowledge when one desires physical contact instead of ignoring it. If you wish to touch me at any time, Frankenstein, you need only to ask.” He tried to reassure his bonded but this only seemed to make him more confused so he let it be and extended his hand, “Come.”
He observed as Frankenstein quickly finished the rest of his tea – because how could he let the tea his Master poured for him go cold? – and stutteringly set down the cup. He leaned forward and moved ever so close to Raizel's side, sitting thigh to thigh…and now Raizel was a bit lost on what to do next. He was ever so delighted to just be sitting next to Frankenstein for once without that 2-foot distance Tao made him aware of. And to even look up at Frankenstein sitting so close and poised right now would send his chest afloat. Did the children like to sit close like this? Raizel tried to recall how close Takeo sat by Tao during their talk, but he did not remember them being in contact with each other.
“Uh, Master?” Frankenstein muttered with sweat practically beading on his temple. “Is this not what you wanted?”
Right. Maybe the key was to just do what he wanted, not what the children do. Raizel angled himself to face more towards Frankenstein and reached up for him. Frankenstein seemed to freeze lest he disturb the plan of his master and he held still while Raizel slid his hand onto his shoulder, underneath the curtain of his hair.
“I wish to touch your hair once more.” Raizel said and Frankenstein practically shivered as his fingers ran up the back of his head, into his hair. It was a selfish wish, something he knew Frankenstein was not interpreting the same way he did because to him, he was touching Frankestein who he was deeply entrenched in emotion for. To Frankenstein, Raizel could only feel happiness underneath the confusion within his mind. If he did not respect Frankensteins’ privacy like he did, he might have tried searching for that unknown sensation deep in his soul, but of course…he didn't.
“Then…” Frankenstein swallowed and cleared his throat, “should I lean over?? Your arm will get tired if you keep it raised for a long time.”
Raizel glanced around in thought for a good position in which he could touch Frankenstein's hair undisturbed, and while he thought briefly of his prior spot on the ground, he did not wish for Frankestein to kneel again. He wanted Frankenstein next to him. And since he was expressing his desires for touch, Raizel figured this was just the same.
“I enjoy sitting next to you,” he said and Frankensteins’ ears turned red once again, “so it is preferable for you to stay here. Yes, lay down.” He made up his mind and looked from Frankensteins’ surprised eyes down to his thigh.
“Lay down…on your thigh?” Frankenstein murmured. Raizel nodded.
“If it displeases you, you may reject it.”
“No!” Frankenstein said louder than expected, then he sighed and reached for Raizel's hand still buried in his hair to cradle it, “Of course I am very pleased by it, Master.” Then he obediently scooted over to lean down over Raizel's lap, seeming reluctant to put all his weight down as he scooped his hair over his shoulder and got comfortable.
His legs were bent up underneath him due to the insufficient size of the couch, but he stayed in place nonetheless and Raizel could think nothing more than that if he were at peace moments ago, it was long gone. He really was hopeless. There was nothing he wanted more than to stay like this all night, but would Frankenstein allow it?
If the previous Lord could see him now, so besotted, he might laugh. Raizel was under no illusions that this feeling was normal. Love wasn't new to him, having been subject to those who were in love with the idea of him, but Raizel was utterly drowning in this kind of love. What was he to do with himself? The way he wished for Frankenstein to always be by his side, but was unable to bear it when he was? Was he doomed to be overwhelmed by the one thing he wanted most? The one thing he was allowed the luxury of feeling? How did humans live smothered by emotions like this?
Raizel sank his fingers into Frankenstein's hair once again and felt his own face warm when Frankenstein's shoulders tensed up at the sensation. As he brushed back the hair from his face and repeatedly combed through it, his bonded relaxed his shoulders slowly and his eyes sank closed. Raizel was entranced.
It took hours more of just this. Just combing through his hair and gazing down at the face of his bonded. Hours just for the feeling of constantly needing to catch his breath to leave Raizel. And even then, he had a sense of ambrosia in his veins and fog in his head.
At some point, he fell into a trance knitting threads of gold between his fingers, but he was pulled out of his trance when he noticed that Frankenstein had seemingly fallen asleep. The difference was stark when his soul went from this quiet pool of energy to it being as if a net had been released from around it and the aura was overflowing into every corner of his body. And that deeply buried sensation rose to the surface within his dreams.
Raizel knew not what he was dreaming of, he knew only that once he could see this buried field of his soul, he recognized it at once.
And he couldn't bear sitting still for another moment. He yanked his hands away from Frankenstein like he was touching fire, waking the man up instantly.
“Master?” He said groggily as he awoke. “Oh! My apologies, I-...I must have fallen asleep….Master, are you alright?”
Frankenstein sat up on one arm and brushed his hair from his face in bewilderment, and Raizel, eyes wide, turned to him.
If ever there was a moment Raizel felt it most important to speak, it was now. He knew he would forever regret it if he did not.
“Frankenstein.” He said and grabbed both of his hands, forcing Frankenstein to quickly adjust his posture so he didn't fall. Rai looked him right in the eyes and said what he had been wishing to say for so long, far before he ever fell asleep.
“I am deeply, sorely in love with you.” he said, like a breeze in the wind. Like the air which carried in a new season and sprung life anew. He spoke that nagging, sinking, twisting feeling in his gut into the air and it could not be taken back.
All was quiet.
Raizel tried to identify any changes in Frankenstein's expression, anything to show that he wasn't mistaken in what he identified in his soul. He wasn't just seeing what he wanted to see.
“I am in love with you.” He whispered once more.
And lest he imagine something, Raizel stared hard. He made not a sound or a breath or thought until Frankenstein seemingly awoke at once and laughed.
He laughed and laughed until it became hard to breathe.
And then he cried.
Raizel thought for once, as he gathered Frankenstein into a trembling embrace, he was not as keen as he thought if he did not recognize his own love in the soul of his bonded. Maybe he did not know what love was. That he let it hide so long beneath the surface of Frankensteins’ soul, his soul, that Franken was brought to tears upon its uncovering.
But what he and Frankenstein had was the same and as far as he was concerned, they could learn what love was later. They shared something, and if that was not what the authors meant by love, Raizel was quite sure they could redefine it.