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When it was lights out, the galaxy seemed incomprehensible. Thinking about it there'll never a chance for him to sit and study it in full. Not when the twenty something space sectors him and the GAR run cheek to cheek against an opps list long enough to consume Coruscant, scratch that.
What drew the void of space from the active thrum of hundreds, to thousands by the hundreds too infinite millions of transporters all for that inevitable finish line of glacial silence? What must that sound like, studying phasma matter from the safety of one’s ship its quiet, or its malevolent force tapping at windows waiting, waiting, awaiting to come in.
He doesn’t place he’d open the hatch and invite instant suction of cold space in to drag him out by the marrow in his bones and finish him off. Not at the expanse of his senses presumably shut down beyond cognitive control or worse. The skin on Wolffe’ neck prickled at the thought, slightly leaning down to withhold a yawn.
He was doing it again, meddling thoughts to pass the time. Some luck.
With absent minded gazing beyond the safety rail mere inches from the window, Wolffe caught the shadow of his reflection under semi-dimmed blue lights, scolding thoughts making his focus wane. This happens when he gets antsy with any moment of free time, his thoughts ramble. Not a beneficial trait for any serving commander in his position, not without forward demands of why's for each ticket his brain fling up. Like now, post hours of productivity thinking meaningless things to fight off nausea making room for his memories. He’d take anything to lean from the unease approaching the first weekday; it was bad enough that he didn’t have the capacity to keep his bullshit together for a couple of hours.
For the umpteenth time that night Wolffe barely shook his head, shaming the thought and grateful he’d worn his heavier turtleneck. “You were distracting yourself,”
The cold in the 212th venator ran on par with his own battalions one, undoubtedly shared experiences binding them for one sole purpose. That was irrelevant now for his wandering, not as the self-aware strategist sprucing up think pieces with back ups for back-ups, no one's paying attention to him this early in the morning. Sighting the 212th night crew carrying on their duties past the bridge he stood upon did a world of good knowing Cody’ men strove to upkeep their vows of duty while the Resolute flew on mandated rest.
He bet on all the used stitches on his kama he’s fixed himself he won't live long enough to study the galaxy, he's just rearranged his cards to get lucky. Tact was useful, charisma were a fluke when you can't bet your worth and time was forever at stake. One vague want of a dream he won't full-fill to fruition within his lifetime should've hurt his feelings.
"You ask the obvious and expect a happy go lucky answer?" Clones weren’t scavengers of forsaken galactic glory unheard; they fulfilled their days raving it down for high-level prodders claims against slavers and hive-minded political factions.
He looked again with wants of insomnia nudging his eyes on high alert, still in thought. How could he make time to consider the impossible for that as he’s drawn the worst conclusions already. Nothing worth crying over, squeezing his interlocked fingers behind him. There's no chance all these chronological notes he’s spouted would take hold of him, though maybe that relied on him unable to cross off this little feature of his insomnia he hates about himself.
Maybe that’s what he was meant to do, distract the distrust coiling inside him since he woke up letting his thoughts run. The next maybe situation might end with him trying what he purposed, tethered to the warmth of familiar and not flash shots of his dead floating past his windows, hearing Chrono’s quiet void of dark space up-close.
Another hazardous idea crossing his thoughts- he sighed more frustrated. Him drawing his tablet pen and charting variable equations for the unknown. Solution markers, cracking them apart, logically up to par by what he was trained for. The proposal sounded dreamier than it ever become reality.
No more headshakes this time, complacent staring at endorsed windows separating him beyond the Resolute safety perimeter.
“Here I was wondering where you dug out too.” Came from the latter hallway, alerting him by the give in his voice. “Kinda early to be out like this don'tcha think?”
Wolffe head turned slightly, sighting Cody blurry side eye greeting him in tandem. “Why aren’t you sleep?”
“The fuck,” Cody gave mumbling, unclenching his back by the louden pop it gave yawning into his shoulder. His sleepy nose twitch was pleasant. “You weren’t there what else was I supposed to do.”
“You turn over and go back to sleep. Maybe not send a search party?” Wolffe said looping the action still in thought. Now that wasn’t needed, normally Cody calls him that word. “No, Coco how did you find me,”
“Lucky guess.” Cody cheeks pushed outwards a yawn. “Did something happened.” Cross-armed, taking in the quiet lull of the bridge beside him. The shrills of a cleaner droid past them on duty at a snail’s pace pacing for the grey enforced blast sliding doors.
Wolffe felt his tastebuds water up at the question, chewing how to answer. “I couldn’t sleep well.”
“You couldn’t figure out why asleep,”
“You got me beat on nocturnal problem solving so pass.” Wolffe said and there it was, Cody grumbling. Now he was looking his way again wearing his jacket over his blacks, sighting his insignia patch peering from his jacket sleeve. "Seriously you need too."
“Well your not so I don't care." Cody said groggily making Wolffe eyes look aside him. "Another nightmare?” Catching Wolffe ears again while they stood, attentive at the static noise of the late-night endeavors past the rooms bridge. "Who we fighting?"
A simple question Wolffe didn’t know to answer, half shrugging yes as Cody pressed their shoulders together. “The anniversary of the Malevolence is this week you know.” Unable to look at Cody face in favor of staring still for the static quiet of space they drifted through. He felt detached from his words, casual at the reminder that rankled tight lace terror through every vod and Admiral he's met in the aftermath. “There’s gonna be of oversight procedures and pit checks for memoriam holders.”
He kept eyes forward to the bridge windows peripheral, ignoring this feeling of off ticking between his eyes. “I’m good though. You should ah, what is it?” and there Cody was in his face.
For a second Wolffe question had Cody heard his pulse rocketing through his armor. “Was it something I said,"
“Not quite.” Cody spoke oddly strained and his hands Wolffe sought out raised to press on the sides of his face, pulling him in. Wolffe meant to ask what before he felt pressures on his face, squinting at the short kiss over his eyes. Cody touch was light, then moved up his forehead where it reached for a kov’nym; his hands automatically reached for Cody arms to pulse his warmth to himself. Cody brows came together while they stood, hands pressed over his ears.
“Your face is cold you know that?”
He hadn’t but he could place it. “Well, Boost’ talked of light lanterns for the ceremony, Rix and Ido been talking with the rest of the ARCs about supplementary supplies for memorial markers. Sinker’ mentioned we should have a weeklong call of remembrance in the works, he better not forget we’re supposed to head out for Taul soon.”
Saying that all seem pointless maybe, Cody open expression was taunt in the corners of his eyes. He still boxed his ears in their capture hold in warming them. “I know why you’re out here but you sure your okay?" Cody asked him. "You sound weird.”
“Don’t tell me that, I just,” Wolffe swallowed back cursing for antsy prickles poking the back of his neck. “Just me talking out my damn mind over things already handled. Its fine, I'm fine I just need to handle last minute authorize check offs for the boys since we won't be stationed. And then things will get on...the things." tailing off word might described this precisely.
What could he try to do overthink himself into a sicker state about his nightmares?
Burden Cody with that exactly, how, when. There wasn’t even a sophisticated holo-manual to sneak read how to talk about these things, they all made do and improvised with everything Alpha taught. Plo was a anomaly of expectations worth sticking too but he breaking that boundary might chip something off him more than his jetti. In that moment he never felt more tired staring out rallying a legitimate answer with the identical clammy feel from before resuming. On all the far-out comets he’s spot earlier telling Cody all this how exactly?
“I want to figure this out alone,” left him uneventfully yet struck Wolffe with mortification. That wasn't what he meant.
“Not like that I mean...” Stumbling too silence at the flash tick of hurt crossed Cody face. “Not where you don’t see me, I meant, I don’t. I didn’t…mean that.”
Cody devoid stare could have halt the venator to a frigid halt with no one the wiser. “I see.”
Wolffe mouth couldn’t motion right, biting into his inner cheek utterly rigid by what his sleep deprived tongue spoke; that wasn’t what he meant, no no no no no no.
“Then I best let you do that Commander.” Tacking ice directly in his veins Wolffe startled, motioning in silent unease whereas Cody took the initiative to step away.
He wouldn’t just say the damn thing-
“I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t, I can’t talk about it, well I. Just- it’s not on you I mean it,” Catching the terror in his throat how Cody eyed his hand before staring him off with enough credence to make him want to disappear.
“I got your message so let’s acts on it, we're done here.” Cody jerked to be released taking his arm back to himself and Wolffe warbled in place, heightened spirals of panic scratching his throat. God he messed up.
“We can talk later when you’re in a better mood, so sleep soon.” Cody voice came out this pointed edge while he stumbled staring at him, nineteen ways of apologizing zipping to the front of his mind like his heart wasn't quaking overtime for his actions.
“You didn't call-"
“Just leave it for earlier, I get it, now's not the time.” Cody said sinking the last bobs of Wolffe checked panic from its starter line.
So he sunk with it.
“You died alright?” Wolffe out himself, knowing how ugly that sound where anyone could overhear them. “You died like every one of them.” As Cody stopped in place in that quiet hallway Wolffe felt the cold vent air creep down his legs how Cody turned around this time clearly upset.
It seemed from the struggle of doubt across Cody face force Wolffe to breathe just so he wouldn't say more stupid osik to chase Cody away. "I had another one tonight- it's why I left earlier." biting down more catch-line of excuses that sounded dumb the longer he thought about it. His chest heaved under his armor just admitting it this loosely.
"Wait a fucking minute.” Cody held his hand out, that doubt across his features stinging Wolffe own. "That's why your pissy damn near four in the morning. Right, right." tugging particularly hard on his jacket sleeves aggressively wiping his face.
Wolffe full focus stuck over how forceful Cody actions looked, him rubbing over his face that roughly before it crossed him in sleep deprived glory how awkward he must've made things. "Did you think I'd be upset with you?" Cody asked, his voice caught on itself. "Is that why you're avoiding me?"
That kicked the lurch in Wolffe spine to stiffen and flatten out empty how with anxiety. “Of course not,”
“Your doing the opposite here Wolffe and I’m flailing here!” Cody pressed lowly, withdrawing his hand back down to reveal glassy eyes redden from the obvious. "I don't want that when you could've- osik you should've woken me up." The rise of his voice could've cause hair raises on anyone else who didn't know what to listen for between the lines.
Wolffe felt this band of fatigue pressed to the side of his head listening, nodding.
“You’ve been gone two hours, wandering my ship over nightmares. Now I find you and you won’t even look at me.” Cody voice waned, stirring from the idea seemed staring him over again eyes hazy. “I thought I could help you. I like too." He added quieter. "Now things are weird, I fucked up and your looking at me like I'm the thing that'll set you off again."
The visceral shiver down Wolffe spine at his words made him instinctually roll his shoulders back. It felt how being doused by dry shards poking all over his skin opening his mouth to try.
So Cody took his initiative not to talk to keep going.
"You left your bucket on my desk you know? When I finally woke up and realize your armor was gone," He shook off whatever he said next, clearly uncomfortable. "All of you and none of you was in my room I thought the worst had happened, kind of."
"I shouldn't assume the worse happened to you all because you want some fresh air I know. I hate pity myself so I get it, like I can't figure me plus me out." Cody hands raising up apologetic matched par to another like-minded friend Wolffe knew was aboard too. "But it's not nice to wake up too, you being gone was enough."
"I wouldn't leave without telling you goodbye." Wolffe spoke, self aware how rough he must've sound getting that out. "You know that Coco."
"But you did." Cody simply said and the next tug of his jacket covering him made Wolffe chest flare how quiet his cyare sounded. "You did and it took me too long to wake up and think why you did." If there were any proof Cody didn't divert his look towards the ships glass like a flash frame no one could testify.
They stood there at a lost of words, nothing more to say beyond simple this or here and why nots, and perhaps maybes. The bridges hallway never gave up its vigil of silence but the few night crew members heard stomping or pacing the floors around the bend felt like exposement in this voyeuristic bubble.
Wolffe founded himself sighing again, it dragging less from his nose but his throat this deeper upheave of air deflating out his mouth. This is why he hates having them in the first place, fuck these nightmares to the deepest pits of his existence.
“Enough nightmares really throws a man off his game when they worm in your head.” Wolffe hear himself say slowly opening the lid on one question he's holed up this long in. "You know I have them already, just mine amps up close to Remembrance Week. It’s annoying.” He swallowed mellow shame recalling nights gasping awake at nothing in his cabin, trying not to choke up.
“Maybe because we're passing the opposite of Abregado, or maybe deep down I get off on death but guess who’s in mine haunting me? Take that good goddamn guess.”
Cody sudden face of fatigue realizing brought him to press his hand to his forehead heaving sulfur. “Not just our brothers in my dreams. It can be anyone; Plo, Ponds, Fordo, damn anyone you slop in a checklist.”
“And now me?” Cody asked quietly to receive Wolffe stare in kind and his breath gave.
“Always.” Wolffe said quietly and the hum of silence made it impossible not to comment. “And nothing I think up tells me why everyone out to get me 'cept I deserve it. I have too I mean,” The word catching this humorous give on his end. “What Captain leaves his ship mates at the twelfth hour?”
Cody stood stuck in place by what he earnestly said, searching his words for more and if that weren't the thing Wolffe sighed about dropping his hands back down behind him. “You asked had I something prepared for this week, course I do.” Wolffe heard his voice crack. “That’s the damn bare minimum I can give them if I just get a moment of fucking. And just that! Peace.” Wolffe stripped the word out like it disgusted him. He felt his lips curl on the word. “Can’t even find it in my sleep and somehow, your in there lost in the middle of all in the dark and I have this sinking feeling each time that its you out there. You know how dark it is out there without our armor? How quiet it is?"
"Just now I fucked up and you get drag into my mess. Out there in the dark where I can't find you.” Wolffe eyed him feeling increasingly embarrassed but pitifully unable to tame his pulse. No sleep would do that to you he guess.
Cody stare with the weight of a stranger while Wolffe simply looked out to the stars again. So vast with perpetual wonder and nowhere near enough to hide his shame.
“All of them,” he felt forlorn staring back at Cody’ untraceable face from his outburst to walk back to by his spot near the window. “Sometimes your face would be missing, or you’re frozen from direct exposure,” He pointed outside. “You always see me and I'm not allowed to find you. I'm stuck.”
Footsteps he pretend not to hear moved,
Wolffe rubbed at the side of his neck awfully demure for the rough pull at his skin, his four fingers jabbing his neck muscles. “Your out there always reaching for me in the dark. And I’m stuck in that pod screaming over something I can’t control.” His eyes felt dry, blinking briefly just for his thumbs to cover his eyelids. "It feels like I'm screaming to death and no one's coming."
The idea of seeing him motionless in deep space spurned up ideas he truly didn't want to bring up. “And then I wake up knowing it’ll happen the next time I go to sleep.” He felt the full force of Cody weight leaning on him silently yawning into his shoulder, clutching him tightly. “I’m sorry Coco.”
The chill off the window tint was steeping regret onto his forehead.
Cody arms moved around his torso vaguely resembling an embrace from what he felt, like they were meant to be. “I place I should be saying that.” he gave a decimal lower and equally scratchy.
Wolffe didn’t care to look where Cody’ were facing as his breathing pressed his jaw, the end of his cold nose begging for reprieve for his more layered neck. Realizing this Wolffe closed eyes squeezed even tighter, streaked red-orangish orb dotting inside his lids.
“We’ll be okay.” Cody impromptu hugged marked Wolffe down for the count. They stood aloof in their jointed embrace, one’s grey armor overtaken by another fleece jacket in flux stasis. “You mentioned before you wanted to go somewhere quiet.” Cody spoke how he was awakening Wolffe from his silent heaving. He used his hand to pull Wolffe’ hand back, tugging.
That wasn’t a request Wolffe placed, slowly opening his eyes to find Cody’ reflected twang of regret in this grey hallway. He kept his mouth shut how Cody eyed him, clearing his throat for what seemed the umpteenth time that morning.
“I have an idea, let’s go.” Cody spoke, the tone in his voice not waiting to argue taking Wolffe hand with a turn out that hallway. He was leading him along for the ride, keen in determination seem how.
“Where you taking me?” Wolffe asked after a moment blinking the stinging feeling from his eyes.
“The quietest place I can think of without being interrupted.” Cody gave, nodding slightly as if he were pleased with his idea. “Now shut up.”
Wolffe said little more for the remainder of the walk, lost in thought while Cody led them along. More often, more of the 212th night crew passed along, members in identical greys or workman suits, eyes focused on themselves. Were it Cody influence or the show of himself, both were legible yet that hadn’t little mind to where his thoughts blotted out.
Now two Commanders tugging another along like shinies tug another for comfort after live exercises, one in their armor the other in their sleep wear like leading the trial to their pods. In pretext, ridiculous.
His eyes kept to their hands interlocked still and waited out the aftermath of whatever comes out of this; still blinking back curls of sleep. It was getting closer to the half hour the more they walked Wolffe gathered.
“Take this,” Cody interrupted his thoughts pushing that melamine mug towards him then roughly sat aside him in the mess-hall. They’d only arrived after how long, Cody practically shoving him in with his ‘wait here’ then took off, boots thumping to the floors.
The point being he stayed alright; glancing first around the empty hallway for once not stalling and made up his mind. He’ll fuss still, worming all baggage down his throat while he sits easy.
Wolffe didn’t lead on the heat emitting from the mug snagged the familiar aroma he caught blowing steam in his face. He peered over.
“You horde the stuff I give you all in your jacket pockets. Why is that?” Cody asked in the silence of the mess hall, two sentient beings at work so early that morning.
The ripple of hued amber tea snapping his reflection in the mug stopped Wolffe enough to blow off the steam, letting it cool off while reaching vaguely for Cody torso, motioning at his zipper. One unzip later with gesturing Wolffe waved a sealed miniature blueberry tea packets counting eight at best. “Don’t wanna lose em in my room so I keep them for safekeeping.”
“You know I can just send you more of them, right?" Cody ask earnest now clutching his jacket in his hands. "I got two full sleeves of them in my room I can give you.”
Wolffe listened, eyes catching the give of the Republic insignia on the far back wall. “I save them for bad days when I haven’t slept well. And hm.” Wolffe eyed his beverage with upmost thanks. ‘I need reminders of you that doesn’t hurt when I get in my head like that.”
Cody eyes grew bigger than not while Wolffe sipped away, ebbing to the quiet. Again shoulder meet shoulder he believes on purpose.
“Did I say something to you that made you think I wasn’t there enough.”
The billion credit question, Wolffe taking another savory sip eyes heavy. “I didn’t want to add more to your plate when we’re packed enough as is.” He caught Cody eyes on the end of somber doubt so grab his shoulder in assurance. “We don’t want certain someone’s harassing us if we start comm-calling another in the middle of the field in our feelings, right? There’s no right call on this Coco.”
"But you always hear me out," Cody mumble grew silent afterwards. “You ever let the boys in on what’s going on when this happens?
Though distracted by the duo’s warmth claiming his taste-buds and side Wolffe tide it, thoughts hazy. Whether Cody call on a whim to bring him here to side his miniature meltdown or maybe for his office several hundreds of feet far out dug the prickle out his spine.
“You mean of why you haven’t said anything about your own?” Wolffe cracked aloud.
“No that’s different,” Cody started and Wolffe huffed in his mug to the follow up nonsense, nodding less from pity but acknowledgement. Given their clear slopes steering their lives there wasn’t a matter of shock at their misfortune displayed, it felt juvenile spite at best. End of the day their two men yoked to their titles until it ended, regardless how they’ll end up. Everything hadn’t transpired yet if he’s been allowed this correct?
“All in favor if you experienced early morning existential dread on the Resolute say I,” Cody interrupted their tied answers, raising one finger up. “And no say for how many times it’s happened?”
“I,” They spoke in unison, Wolffe scoff at his jab while Cody keened by on the call as distraction. While they were made to be the sole two in the room for now, the gnaws of something made him wonder.
All that nitpicking himself to death for solitude in the ether of dead space when he’s had the solution this whole time. Maybe that's why he loves Cody sharp edge wit he keeps close for grabs.
"No one ever told me mourning the dead was this exhausting." It wasn't much, tugging Cody close to press a kiss which felt regretful on his head. "Just know it's never on you Coco, swear on my life.
"You make things a little more warmer, course I wouldn't let you go." He mumbled the last sentence, kissing behind his ear another apology. "Keep being patient with me," weren't spoken aloud but for all the little moments of peace he's made, Cody watery smile his way made the last of the ice in his chest ebbed out.
“It’s gonna be loud in here soon. You want to keep walking around or you wanna stay?” Cody own hand motioned for his ear, swiping enough to churn odd, gutted uncertainty leaving his stomach. "I can't make everyone leave but I can order silent MRE."
Wolffe looked to his partner’s awaiting curiosity shoving his mug away to think on it.
His earlier panic receded back to sleep,
And he wasn’t left behind.
Cody wouldn’t let him live down confessing that, yet he makes up for it with enough heart to drown him.
“We can go back so best stick with me Coco.” Wolffe spoke leaning over again pressing more kisses to Cody face, uncaring where they landed reaching for his mug again. That stuck the marker on the bullseye.
“You’re really sweet Wolffe.” Cody hand not curled in his jacket reached for his outstretched one, shoving at the glove material before giving up.
“M’not.” Wolffe heard himself fussed reaching past his mug to pull off his glove, exposing his hand to the cool hum of the room and Cody equally warm one. His chest burned at the comment how Cody ears he sighted burned dark red. He needs to hold him tight enough to leave imprints the second their back. “I’m thorough.”
“Still sweet when you’re a bastard.” Cody yawned shoving himself closer to reach his side, the sleep they’ve postponed this long clearly calling him. His hand curved perfectly to match Wolffe own, completing the cycle. “Don’t think I wanna share you.”
His eyes felt misty again absolving tea steam. He was the lucky one against himself tonight and he doesn’t want to lose this. Not now, sanely never.
Wolffe first instinct were to down the rest of his tea and make way for them to sleep, he really ought too. Rather he watched Cody resting face propped in his arms and drew back at the furthest gray walls, sipping again at the bitter drink reminiscent of them both.