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I missed your 21st birthday, I've been up at home
Almost tried to call you, don't know if I should
Hate to picture you half-drunk happy
Hate to think you went out without me
Lily was sitting on the kitchen floor staring at her phone that lied at her feet. The clock on the oven read 11:37 p.m. She has watched the numbers change for the past hour. With a sigh she closed her eyes. The 27th of march should be a day like any other: waking up, going to class, chatting with Mary, working her shift at the small secondhand-shop “The Valkyries”, coming home, making dinner and going to bed. But for the past 5 years the 27th of march has been so much more. James birthday was always a big occasion, as sunshine personified many people knew him and wanted to celebrate. Lily imagined that right know he was probably laughing, trying to drunkenly play darts with Sirius in some dingy bar. The entire day she has been debating if she should call. It would probably be weird to call your ex after 7 months to congratulate him on his birthday. She wonders if he wants her to.
I'm sorry if you blame me, if I were you, I would
Thought you'd see it comin', but you never could
I still haven't heard from your family
But you said your mom always loved me
After everything went up in flames at the start of last semester they haven't really talked. Remus has told her he is doing better as of late after she begged him to tell her how he actually is. Lily knows she should be happy to hear that but she can't shake the uneasy feeling. She wonders if James blames her the way she blames herself. If she could just love him the way he loved her. He could never understand her. When she closes her eyes she still sees his face when she told him they should break up. His open mouth, his glossy eyes. Him begging to give them another chance. How they have overcome so many obstacles already. She feels sorry for his parents. They were always kinder than her own. Since the break up she hasn't heard from them. She hopes they're well.
I see the look in your eye and I'm bitin' my tongue
You'll be the love of my life when I was young
When the night is over
Don't call me up, I'm already under
I get a little bit alone sometimes and I miss you again
I'll be the love of your life inside your head
Breaking up with James was one of the hardest things she has ever done. Staying would have been so easy. The perfect guy to marry. Her uni girl friends always told her how she hit the jackpot with a boyfriend like James. Sweet, kind James who is so in love with her. Her prince charming, the man of her childhood daydreams. On days like these when she feels alone at night she misses him and his arms who would hold her close. Then she remembers that she felt even more alone there. He always looked at her with so much love in his eyes but was he ever seeing her for who she was? The Lily she is today? It was like she looked in the mirror and suddenly saw someone completely different than the person James saw. He was so in love with 13-year-old Lily that he didn't realize that she didn't exist anymore and he was living with a stranger.
Just because you're hurtin' doesn't mean I'm not
If it doesn't go away by the time I turn thirty
I made a mistake and I'll tell you I'm sorry
Remus told her that Sirius was furious. How could she betray James? How could she hurt him so much? As if she didn’t cry for a week and had to call out from work because she got a migraine. It still hurts to think about them and she wonders in the darkness of her room if she made a mistake. Mary told her it would get better but what if it doesn't? What if she’s still here on her kitchen floor in nine years? Will she call him and tell him that she's sorry?